Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Dreams of having 4 bedrooms and 2 reception rooms...

How big or small the issue becomes is unfortunately not down to the father. He's clearly endured the mother and daughter bickering in his presence for long enough to know what it's going to be like.
Their behaviour is not under his control, and another a year of this with no escape space is going to add to his pain and stress.

Bickering, really? C’mon.

And I don’t think this is about size of house, it’s about attitude to family.

In so many cultures extended family piles into small accommodation. This is a 2 bed house not a one room flat.

I am from one of those cultures. Believe me, there is a LOT of bickering in those loving multi generational families.

Yes, my extended family are one of these "cultures" - overseas - and if they could afford bigger homes or separate living, they'd do it.

@saraclara So true - listening to people bicker is awful. My parents found it amusing but as soon as I moved out, I set the ground rules that

a) bickering was not permitted in my home

b) if I visited theirs and they started bickering, I'd leave.

Imagine being ill, in pain, still working, and listening to people bicker. Good grief.

I'll sure if the dd was in distress, even her ill father would take her in, but she isn't. She has a job and a boyfriend, but just wants to save money.

Yes, it's a different time. People our age walked into jobs. 100% mortgages, mortgages 3x salary usually.
Secure jobs. Good pensions, good schools for kids, able to afford to leave home and get a flat, get married/have kids.

That is absolutely not the case anymore. I cannot bear this type of smug statement.

It is absolutely a different time for young adults. Horrifically so.

Yes, it's a different time. People our age walked into jobs. 100% mortgages, mortgages 3x salary usually.
Secure jobs. Good pensions, good schools for kids, able to afford to leave home and get a flat, get married/have kids

That wasn't how it was for me. And the fact is that the hard times set me up for the good times.

How bad was the daughter's behaviour that a father doesn't want his own child living under his roof?

Furthermore, how bad was the daughter's behaviour that a terminally ill man doesn't want his nurse daughter living under his roof?

No question that the OP is omitting large chunks of backstory, as evident in the first post and subsequent dripfeed.

saying that she was going to have to move back in with us

The "saying" not "asking" is telling.

Mumsnet is a funny old place... if this was a lad giving his mum grief, posters would be falling over themselves saying to kick him out.
When it's a DD though, children of any age should always have a bed waiting for them.

Mumsnet is a funny old place... if this was a lad giving his mum grief, posters would be falling over themselves saying to kick him out. When it's a DD though, children of any age shouldalways have a bed waiting for them.

Yes. Even into the late forties, apparently. It's bonkers.

The "saying" not "asking" is telling.

And this. It absolutely is.

https://www.peabody.org.uk/find-a-home/rent-a-home/key-worker-accommodation/

@Klcak Yours is definitely a family sticking together to sort out problems and it relates well to the OP, as her DD needs to accept that being mutually supportive is the way forward if she wants to move back in with her parents. Her Dad is ill and sharing a house with him will only work if she doesn’t repeat her past behavior.

They need to talk as you have with your family and sort out the best solution for everyone.

@worriedmum64

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It must be very upsetting.

My advice in the first instance is to not discuss this with your daughter until you and your DH have properly talked the matter through.

You are a couple so he doesn't automatically get to cast a unilateral "no" vote here especially when he has not explained his rationale properly.

That said it's still not overly clear on how difficult your daughter was to live with and the impact this had/would have on your husband's health.

In this respect part of being a good parent isn't always giving children everything they ask for. Sometimes the best parenting is a lesson in consequences.

There will always be posters who will say their child would always have a home with them. I'm actually one of them - but my DS (at Uni) is by no means difficult to live with whatsoever. When thats the situation it's easier to be holier than thou.

It's a very different prospect when your adult child returning to the family home may result in significant tension/stress (caused by their prior behaviour), especially if they have never reflected on past actions or acknowledged/apologised for poor behaviour.

So if I was you I'd sit down with your DH and say you need to talk this through and be clear he doesn't have a casting vote.

He needs to explain his decision and you need to put forward the rationale for yours.

I'd suggest from what you've posted the weakness in your position is that you say she has matured/changed but I'd suggest kindly that if this was the case, when requesting to move back in she would have addressed the issue of being "difficult to live with" herself and explained why that would no longer be an issue.

Personally I'd be inclined to take a position (as pp's have suggested) of agreeing some ground rules with your DH and telling your child she can move back for a trial period of 2 months.

She breaks the ground rules then you will give her a months notice to find somewhere else to live. This will be non negotiable. You will not back down on this (and if you want your DH to compromise then you will need to do this).

Good luck

This reply is amazingly worded and put.

this 1,000,000% 👏🏻

Yes, it's a different time. People our age walked into jobs. 100% mortgages, mortgages 3x salary usually. Secure jobs. Good pensions, good schools for kids, able to afford to leave home and get a flat, get married/have kids.

That certainly wasn't the case when I left home - I moved out into a shitty rental flat above a funeral parlour with my then-boyfriend and another couple as it was the only way we could afford the rent. The flat was ancient and in huge need of repair.

Couldn't afford any kind of mortgage and certainly couldn't afford to have children!

This

It is interesting how we have evolved as a society, and I am not quite sure I like it, maybe because I am getting older, although I think this site is especially bad.

People willingly put aged parents in homes rather than have them live with them, whereas healthy able young adults are pampered to the max.

I am all for my home being insurance for my children when they become adults, but only as a very last resort. Adults are not meant to be treated as children or rely on their parents, they are meant to forge their way in the world, and most do. There is a very middle class kind of codependency where children of all ages come back home and are, at least in some respects, treated as children again, and the family dynamic regresses.

Yes, it is probably harder to get on the housing ‘ladder’ (another weird concept, no guarantee it won’t become a housing ‘snake’ at some point), but, especially where parents have spare funds, one off financial help (as OP’s husband has proposed) is far healthier than sharing living space for a year.

Now let me guess, you sound like an out of touch boomer/Dad that thinks job done at 18….

It’s impossible to buy a house in some areas. In others it can take decades to save for a deposit due to the cost of living. Rentals are becoming scarce.

But as long as the young keep carrying the burden of the wealthy old that is all that seems to matter you. It’s mind blowing and utterly selfish.

My uncle moved out at 18 to get a job working at sea. He came back intermittently to live at my nans in between contracts until the age of about 30, whereupon he just moved back in permanently. It was meant to be short term until he bought a place. He just never moved out, once he got his feet under the table. He was working full time, didn't contribute to the household, did no housework, and was a mardy arse most of the time. fuck knows what he did with all his money but he just never moved out, until my nan died when she was 80 and he was 55. He didn't bother providing any care in her old age either.

I'm curious, what age should a Mumsnet child be made to stand on their own two feet?

@Newchapterbeckons

a lot of young people now just want to move into their own place straight off and it be a nice place in a nice area etc. a lot won’t houseshare. A lot won’t houseshare with people they don’t know. They don’t want to settle for something not so nice cos that’s all they can afford. So they stay home enjoying the home comforts of their parent house. Most of us will have had to rough it in our earlier years, why shouldn’t they?!

“I'm curious, what age should a Mumsnet child be made to stand on their own two feet?”

never according to a lot of mumsnetters. They didn’t ask to be born and parenting doesn’t end at 18.

@Newchapterbeckons ,

Not quite a boomer and not out of touch. Just have a different view to you!

How are the Young carrying the ‘burden’ of the wealthy old? By definition, if you are wealthy you support yourself and pay tax.

Don’t put words in my mouth. The family needs to discuss and reach a considered agreement.

I have come back to this thread to update.

DH and I spoke about this at length last night. He has changed his mind. He didn't need me to try and persuade him, his initial reaction was just that, and he had been thinking about it all day. So we are both on the same page (which is really important as lots of people have pointed out) and DD can come home and live with us.

We are taking the advice of some of the fantastic posts on this thread and going to sit down with DD and set out some rules and conditions. If she either doesn't stick to them or agree with them in the first place we will ask her to leave. DH and I are comfortable with that - DD is an adult and needs to respect us and our home. She is our DD but DH and I deserve to be happy and relaxed in our own home. I am hoping that both our initial reactions are a throw back to the extended time when she was awful to live with. She had grown up since then, spent a lot of time with flatmates, holds a good job down and has close friends. We see DD on a regular basis and she is great company. But we have often joked about how her coming home would be awful for all of us.

As a FYI - DD has no idea that we have had these conversations. She has spoken to DH and I both separately yesterday and when I said things would be hard if she moved back she acknowledged that she would be behaving differently to before.

The reason why DD thinks that it will be a year that she is living with us is because as well as her savings (she has some already) and her boyfriend's we have said that we will give her a lump sum towards a flat. So in fact a year of them both saving could realistically lead to them having enough money to buy. One of the conditions of her moving home is that it is a year.

Some of the posts on this thread have been difficult to read but have been useful. Some of the posts have been unpleasant and some of the assumptions made incorrect. DH is not dying. He is also not a prick. DD is not a nurse. Her behaviour as a teenager and young adult went beyond being the normal stroppiness and rudeness. We do not have a 2 bedroomed house. She has not been in trouble with the police. I have a right not to provide all the info that some people were yelling for. I have never tried to drip feed. Sometimes when a poster starts a thread they are confused and aren't seeing the bigger picture themselves. I think that I was in shock when I started this thread.

I was particularly upset with the poster who suggested that DD and I may not be concerned about DH's illness. We live with it everyday, all 3 of us. Mine and DH's lives and plans have changed as a result of it. DD has phoned the ambulance for my DH when he was unable to. We have sat together outside the HDU when DH has been resuscitated. Neither of us ever forget DH's health situation, believe me and we both love and support him through it.

I have found this thread useful and thank you to everyone who posted considered replies, even those I didn't agree with. They really helped me think more in-depth about the whole situation.

To those who seemed to enjoy the pile on, and the criticism of me not responding in either the way that they approved of or the timeframe they wanted - I expect you'll find another thread to be keyboard warriors on, if you haven't already.