Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Well your children are your children for life. Newsflash!

Oh my lord, I forgot about blended families. Now even your stepchildren are your children for life.

This is a really difficult one. I would always have been in the ‘you’ve always got a room’ position, and if my Dcs really were in dire straits then that would still hold, but when one of my Dcs moved back early 20s it wrecked my mental health, they reverted back to teenagers and it was v v stressful, and they weren’t a child who’d previously been exceptionally difficult. There’s no way I could have coped with that and a life limiting illness and constant pain. she’s since grown up and is lovely btw
the red flag here is that she’s decided what she’s doing and told you, rather than asked whether that’s an option. That still implies a level of entitlement which doesn’t bode well.
dh is not throwing her out on the streets or not acknowledging she needs support, he’s offering to help her maintain independence which seems a good compromise.

I think in your position I’d suggest three months, with clear rules and boundaries and an extension if it works. If she doesn’t want to accept the boundaries then she can take a financial help for 12 months. Any arguing on the boundaries and I’d also go straight to no. She’s not acknowledging you as separate people with your own needs and wants.

there is a question though, given the financial inputs, is there an element that he’s offering for you to fund her without the consideration that you’re the one who’ll be doing the extra work? It’s not necessarily the wrong decision but in your situation I think I’d be slightly aggrieved that he’s not acknowledging that possibly this is the difference between you working full time and dropping to 4 days per week (obviously don’t know the amounts so not sure if that’s relevant)

Lately, my db has needed digging out of serious financial problems and my mum has helped him - spending almost all her money doing so - willingly.

Wow, @Klcak . Do you think that accepting nearly all of your Mum’s money was the right thing for your brother to do? How will she manage going forward?

@Newchapterbeckons

What does that mean though? Letting them live with you forever? Not charging them any rent even if they earn more than you? Prioritising their wants over your own for ever? Putting yourself and your relationship with your husband last and them first until the day you die?

I know right!

is he not full of guilt @Klcak

I wouldn't allow it either based on what you've said about your experience of living with her previously. Lots of people don't get to live with people they know or stay at home till they save for a deposit. Can she stay at her partners' parents?

Fair enough

I couldn't tolerate everything the OP DH seems to have on his plate and a returning adult child who is described the way she has been, with alternatives available, money offered, a small home, a shared bathroom etc

Great if you can cope but it doesn't sit well with me to criticise someone who can't.

There's a difference between a genuine crisis and a 25 year old who just doesn't want to flat share with strangers.

Well your children are your children for life. Newsflash!

Yes, but that doesn't mean you have to house them and support them for their rest of their days no matter what.

I can't see how she can pay rent and save for a place on an NHS lower end salary in London

Slight change of subject, but what are Londoners going to do when all the people in lower paid work leave?

She's terminally ill so it is not a worry for her.

Your DH is ridiculous. She is your daughter. Of course she should call yours her home. Unless she has been a disruptive terrible person or something. I am from a different culture, and this question would not even have been asked. Your daughter does not stop being so when she leaves home. Family should be there for each other in times of difficulty. Otherwise what even is a family. A gathering of acquaintances at Christmas?

Meant to add, as well as it not being a worry for her as she's terminally ill, if she gets into financial difficulty then I said that I will help her. As will my other 2 siblings. Point is, family sticking together to sort problems together.

I wonder though what happens to people like this who get bailed out.

What happens when he does this again but your mom isn't around to give him money?

Is it kinder to bail someone out or to let them have to suffer so they don't do it again.

My aunt stopped bailing my mom out of jail because jail was the best place for my mom to learn. Bailing her out wasn't teaching her consequences.

Op, I understand where you are coming from. My dd lived with us for 6 months. I really felt it was an extra load of work i didnt need. I had to get a response to whether she was going to be eating at home that night every day. In the end , i just said the default was no. She used to order takeaways almost every day for lunch. She went out most evenings, arriving back home at midnight sozzled, she ordered clothes and make up online, sometimes we had 3 deliveries a day. Her room was a disgusting mess with clothes knee high on the floor. She ate takeaways in her room, leaving her plates and sonetimes up to several mugs, never taking them downstairs. She ate takeaways, sitting on the sofa. She never lifted a finger around the house, never unloaded the dish washer, did any cleaning or tidying up after herself. Was surly, and uncommunicative. Had a very wasteful attitude. Never offered to get groceries on the way back home from the station. Also, nowadays, with wfh, you find yourself getting under each others feet.

My point is, you need rules from the getgo about respectful moderate behaviour, otherwise you will feel stressed and taken for granted. Definitely, take rent on a standing order, which she can use towards her deposit.

It won't happen again. It was a one off problem for a specific reason. He has a job and a house. Shit happens - my point is, family are the only people going to help you.

What a ridiculous way to think. At what age does your child stop being your child? Think it’s you that needs to get a grip. You must be a cold-blooded person

So you only love and care about your kids up until they reach a certain age? You’re mad mate

There's a difference between loving and caring and being responsible for.

@Dramasloth

you love and care for your kids without having to house and subsidise them their whole lives.

This thread is about would you let your adult child stay with you short term if the need arose. I’ve said of course. Maybe I’ve raised two young men who wouldn’t take advantage of my home and disrupt things and who aren’t lazy, demanding or difficult so I can see things differently from those who don’t have easy-going children. I had a privileged upbringing. I was welcomed back to my parents with a kid of my own. It’s just how we are. Some aren’t.

I think it's pretty mean to not allow a child to shelter with the family for a year when they have struck a tricky time.

I had to move home at age 24 for 6 months after leaving home at 16. The business I worked in after uni was sold, all staff laid off, and I needed to retrain in different skills.
My parents were cool about it and although I felt really depressed like I'd taken a huge step back, I was back on my feet and moved out after 6 months.

Your daughter has a plan. Why can't you give her a break?
It's a very expensive world out there at the moment.

I wonder what sort of houses all these 'my kids can come back any time' posters have.
We've already had the poster who said that she and all her siblings still have rooms at their parents though they left long ago. So, I don't know. A nice 4 or 5 bedroomed property?

OP has explained that her house is very small. So her DH who is sick and in pain will not have any quiet space for a year. The still very difficult and bickery daughter who likes things her own way, is going to be impossible to ignore. I'm assuming the two bedroomed house only has one living space. No wonder he's struggling with the idea of a whole year of this.

If they had four bedrooms and two reception rooms, it might be a slightly different story. And given the Mumsnet demographic, I'm going to guess that most of those saying that they'd absolutely take their kids back have homes closer to that description than OP's home.

My daughter came back home for a while in her late 20s when her relationship ended. It was fine. I have plenty of room and we weren't in each others space all the time. And of course I was well and she wasn't difficult it hard to live with.

Had I had a small two bed house and was unwell, I suspect that my heart would have sunk a little

OP has explained that her house is very small. So her DH who is sick and in pain will not have any quiet space for a year. The still very difficult and bickery daughter who likes things her own way, is going to be impossible to ignore. I'm assuming the two bedroomed house only has one living space. No wonder he's struggling with the idea of a whole year of this.

They have a small house and a DD who will be out at work most of the day. Weekends she may be seeing her bf. It takes 2 to bicker and OP is clear that it is she and her DD who do it. The issue is as big or as small as you want to make it.