Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I come from poverty, yet even now I know my 85 year old mother would sleep on the sofa if it meant my 4 kids and I had a roof over our heads in extreme times.

The difference is the lengths I'd go to not to want to return home!

My point is getting lost here. I want my kids to know that in times of extreme events they'll always have a roof over their heads. But I couldn't imagine for a single second that any of them would think it was an 'easy route/life' mainly because as they grown up I've encouraged their independence and desire to strike out and live their own lives. I 100% believe that if they had to return home it's because they had no other options (other than a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere). I suspect we kinda believe in the same things but that you're tarnishing me with the brush of "come home to mummy no matter what". I don't think that, I just want them to know that as a last resort they'll always have a roof over their head here with me. I doubt they'd like it as they already know my increasing expectations of them to behave like adults.

But your last statement is also true to an extent. I am really different to my husband who is more like you. I suspect this is because I had a very abused childhood and that this may, in your opinion, have clouded my judgement. My kids are my world, but before you twist my words, I have always wanted them to have a lovely childhood. As they grew up I've always insisted that they took on the mantle of being older so as they passed another birthday so they had to take on more chores etc. But if we were on the Titanic my husband would have forced one of the older kids off a life boat to save me and always assumed I'd have done the same for him. Erm, no, even if they were in their 20s 30s 40s etc. I would have gone down with the ship with him. It's a protracted way of saying that I prioritise my kids over myself and over him.

BUT please remember that as they get old I hold them ever more strongly to behaving in an adult way. A child returning home over the age of 22 would be expected to act in the same was as if I was renting a room out to a stranger.

As parents you need to be there for your dd. Whatever age she is. If you will not (rather than you cannot, for example due a dire personal situation of your own), then you may have to accept permanent damage to your relationship.

I have 2 teens and cannot imagine telling them they couldn't come and live at home - ever. I went back to live with my mum and stepfather for a few months when I was in my late 20s due to being ill. Lately, my db has needed digging out of serious financial problems and my mum has helped him - spending almost all her money doing so - willingly.

If you and your dh are adamant that you will not have her home, then in my opinion you will need to stump up all the cash that she plans to save over the year so that they can buy a flat now, rather than waiting a year with you whilst saving. If you don't have the cash, then get a loan or let her move back. Whichever way you look at the situation, you guys are her parents and need to help her. If you can't rely on your parents to do everything in their power to help you when you get into a dicey situation, it is a seriously miserable, frightening and lonely life.

I have a relative who lets his close family drown when there are problems and ridicules them. Nobody speaks to him.

That's so sad for her. I moved back in with my parents when I was 41 with my 2 kids. No questions asked, I knew they would be there for me. We were there 18 months. It wasn't always easy but I am beyond grateful to them. I wouldn't hesitate to welcome my kids home if they needed help.

I'm genuinely shocked by some of the attitudes of posters here. Isn't the whole point of family to support each when times are tough?
Would people really rather see the OP and her husband make a landlord rich than offer their child their spare room (with strict rules) for 6/12/18/24 months
With people saying "well what it your child was 45 and needed somewhere to live?" well yes, as a temporary step, what sort of sociopath wouldn't welcome their child/sibling back to help them get back on their feet - whether they're 20 or 50 (assuming reasonable behaviour)?
Obviously, there are circumstances where it wouldn't be appropriate (for example, if there were substance abuse issues) but generally speaking I'd always offer a home to my close family if they needed it for short period. Indeed, one of my nieces lived with me for a year. My brother and my auntie lived with my mum (separately) each for 12 to 18 months.
Yes, OP s husband has some health issues ("life-limiting condition" is a very broad brush). Yes, OP's daughter has been challenging to live with before. But none of this is a reason to not offer a home - with multiple caveats - to their daughter whose circumstances seem to have changed/improved on a few years back.

@Elfyny yes I put up my rent to cover my mortgage because my mortgage increased. I rented it out initially to a friend for mates rates but when she left I advertised it and the new tenants took it at the market rate which had increased. I did not increase their rent. Why would I rent a property at a loss to myself.

I will let my adult DC live with me in London without paying any rent. Do I win?😀

It's really crazy to me how PP think throwing money at this situation is going to help in any way at all?

If she can't afford it, she can't afford it, enabling her to stay somewhere she cannot afford will leave her trapped with no way out as she'll still be unable to save.
Prices will only keep going up, the money she will likely need will grow larger and she'll just become more reliant on the money from her parents until the money they're giving her then becomes a point of contention later on.
Then OP will be back here in however long's time making another thread about how DH doesn't want them to help DD financially anymore because they can't afford it either.

I just don't see how that's a reasonable solution?

Honestly the only genuine solution I can think of is if she asks if she can be transferred elsewhere for work to a cheaper area, and lend her the money/help her move to a cheaper area that she can afford on her own and she can work towards paying you back for the help needed in order to move etc.
I'm not familiar with nursing however and I don't know how viable of an option that is.

@RowanMayfair well you've made an assumption there haven't you. I rented to a mate for £1500. Not at market value. When she left, letting agent found new tenants who paid market rate which was significantly higher - had a stupid amount of offers, some went above, we picked the best it was £700 more. Mortgage had increased and so had property agent fees in that time. Why would I rent a property at a loss to myself. You wouldn't run a business that way.

Fingers crossed the interest rates will reduce soon so you can pass on those massive reductions to your tenants. Which will definitely happen...

I strongly recommend you find out what your husband's concerns are specifically and draw up rules to overcome any issues relating to them.

I strongly recommend you READ THE FULL THREAD!

I’m married with two kids but I know my mum and would take us all in tomorrow. I shocked that so many parents agree with your husband. You are a parent for the rest of your life it’s a massive commitment.

100% as that sounds like a depressive episode and someone who needs support - especially if this came out of the blue (had a job and lost it/lost their home.)

There would of course be boundaries and things which need to be adhered to, that’s more than fair but the first call would be come home and we will sort something out.

I can't believe what I've read. Poor you OP, you are bit stressed about the replies on this thread (although I note shockingly some people support you). I'm divorcing my H after 35 years but even he wouldn't be such an utter prick. Our DC always come first, no matter how old they are. I can't believe you are not ashamed of him and saying this is a dealbreaker.

I promise you I do understand. I was on my own at 17 because I had to be. My siblings and I were removed from our mother. I was then adopted and placed in a family where I suffer physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I am fiercely protective of my ds.

My ds is also adopted and has complex sn's. I am a single mom and his full-time carer. I also often struggle with wanting to shelter him versus push him to face his fears because ultimately it's for his own good and future independence.

I work with countless specialists and struggle a lot with boundaries at times. He can be violent, destructive, and I will always protect him no matter what.

I am daily faced with having to push him out of his comfort zone and it's ugly at times. It's for him though, and seeing him proud of himself after is amazing.

Maybe that's also why my opinions differ? My role is to help my son accomplish all he can and that involves a lot of effort and trust me I often want to say fuck it and sleep instead. I hate watching him struggle but without the struggle he won't grow and I'll be compromising his future.

I think adversity isn't all bad. My son has suffered a lot unfortunately similar to myself, and we have to work harder in some ways.

I don't think the op's daughter having to live with strangers is a huge adversity mind you, but even if it is a challenge to her that's not a bad thing.

It might even make her a more flexible person, and a better partner is when her and her bf move in together.

Growth in these circumstances seems like a good thing. DD would be safe, and housed, and learn some more skills. I see that as a positive.

Have you factored the illness into that reply? At this point in the thread,
I'm guessing yes?

Given she’s NHS does her trust offer staff accommodation?

I went home when I was 26 when I split up with my ex. I was there for 3 years while I saved up for my flat. We had 'ground rules' from the start and I really missed them when I moved out. I always knew I had a home with my parents and my own children know the same with us. I think that's the way it should be.

It wasn’t actually as it was a quote of a quote. But hey ho I don’t see what difference that makes. I technically have a life limiting illness but I don’t ban my kids from the house.

My DC would be welcome to live with me any time. I really don't understand people who think parenting ends at 18, or that you can't help a loved one out in a crisis by offering a roof over their head. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who could ve so callous towards his own daughter.

@CharlotteRumpling

yes you are the best mum

I really can't get on board with the "Your children are your children for life" tbh. Surely, at some point, parents can expect to enjoy some peace? Maybe when they are 80?

How does it feel to have your husband called names & insulted on here?

I was going to say how does it feel to have your in pain, terminally ill husband insulted on here?

I won’t lie, I hadn’t read the full post and I always get so annoyed when people comment and haven’t read the full post, apologies. I still haven’t read the full post but from the op original post she didn’t say any issues and made it sound like a husband problem hence why I gave my original reply.

note to self - always read op’s replies!

EXACTLY!!

this is the truth

END OF.

I could never have refused any of my adult dc or sdc a home. They are all parents themselves and the oldest grandchildren are 25 now. We are a family none of us could turn anyone else away.