Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

My parents had me, my sisters and even one of my cousins move back at various points, I knew they always had my back. Wasn't always easy but it has made our relationship stronger for it.

I don't know what we would have done if they had turned their backs on us. I can't imagine doing that to my children either.

Posters on MN always talk about ageism one way, but never ageism the other way for some reason....
"At 25? no way.... Betcha she isn't planning on kerbing her social life to save."
I can't imagine a band 5 nurse has much time to socialise as it is!
Even less so considering it's London and the prices are extortionate.

I've not RTFT, but a lot of posters are assuming the absolute worst of OP's DD.
She's a band 5 nurse at the age of 25! She's obviously not a layabout, or scrounger, or taking the mick otherwise she wouldn't be where she is - She's obviously worked incredibly hard to get where she is now, and frankly it's not unreasonable to ask that of your parents to be honest imo?

I certainly wouldn't be batting an eye and would have a DC back in a heartbeat.

ALL families have their amount of bickering, it comes with the whole "family" thing.
I genuinely feel like some people on MN are out of touch with the younger generation as to just how hard it actually has become over the years.
It's all well and good to say "cost of living crisis" when you own your home or have an established mortgage already and objectively don't actually have to worry about where you live.
Ageism goes both ways.

It's not exactly high up on any twenty-something's to do list to have to go back and live with their parents, it's humiliating and makes you feel like a complete failure, it's not "attractive" or conducive to forming/keeping relationships, it's a last "I don't know what else to do" resort.

What actual help is it to just send her money for rent she can't afford?
The rent will only go up after 'x' amount of time and on top of that she'll feel guilty about the money knowing she likely won't be able to pay it back any time soon seeing as she can't even save, and to a certain extent possibly resentful because you're then essentially keeping her trapped in a situation that just flatly isn't workable, AND she can't save money to get herself out of the situation...

I don't see how PP are seeing "help her out financially with her rent instead" as a more viable option?
Wouldn't you rather enable your child to save and be able to make their own way rather than relying on mum and dad to foot the bills they can't afford and force them into rent traps they'll never be able to escape?

But still wanted everything done her way and bickered?

tbh, even if she was a delight, the ill person is unhappy with the idea and has offered money to a 25 year old to solve the problem.

But at some point, you have to go and stand on your own two feet. You can't just depend on your parents forever (SEN and disabilities aside).

Even if that means a grotty house share or a tiny studio somewhere - that's just life. It's not realistic to expect to stay home for years and years just because you want to buy a house.

But he's not suggesting they "turn their backs on her".

He's suggesting financial support to enable her to continue to live independently. I would bite my hand off for that kind of support if I was her - it sounds much better than having to live back at home at 25 years of age!

Another 1 read my comment further up.🙄🤔

But I'd have hoped my kids would want to. Our rules are strict and we have 4 kids all somewhere on the autism/adhd spectrum. I wouldn't want a "I fancy an easy life and in the back ground I'll save for the future" arrival home, hence why I'd put appropriate measures such as rent and chores into place. But I wouldn't simply say no. There's so much else that could be done.

I can't see how she can pay rent and save for a place on an NHS lower end salary in London.

Could you agree she moves in on the agreement it's for a set time frame.

Also could you lay down ground rules?

Another idea is she lives with you during the working week & goes away some weekends - that would still be cheaper than rent. Just to give you space at weekends.

I would absolutely let my adult children come home to live with me (one of them already does). They're basically good people but that's not the point. They're my family. Of course I'd help them. I don't understand people on this thread that would do otherwise.
I get that your DD was difficult and you'd need to set some ground rules. Do you have any reason to think she wouldn't respect these? If so, it's time to introduce her to consequences - which might be move out again.

That leaves your DH, who seems determined to keep your DD out of your joint home. I'd really like to know his reasons. Maybe out of a good discussion can come some acceptable joint solutions. It really does have to be a joint decision you know. He can't insist she can't come any more than you can insist that she can. Please listen to each other.

@Nttttt

what if they were like 45 and in full time employment and just couldn’t be arsed with the stresses and cost of living elsewhere? When you sign up to be a parent, you sign up to be a mother - not a mug!

It really depends on what she is like to live with. If she is a nightmare that your dh has a right to say no.

your DDs happiness doesn’t trump everyone else’s.

It actually seems like most of us siding with DH did not come from privileged backgrounds. Based on the replies most of us were on our own young, and learned to survive.

Most of my friends still don't own homes. I live in Toronto. They are in their 30 and 40's and it's just not affordable.

Most people don't have parents who can afford to house them or pay their rent or house deposit.

If someone can and wants to do that for their kids that's great. But we have a 25 yo who is being handed money for a deposit eventually, offered rent money, but wants to live at home despite her Dad being sick.

How is she not being entitled? Do people really expect this much from their parents? They give her money, but she can't even live in a share because she doesn't want to live with strangers?

Maybe because I come from poverty I can't imagine being this selfish. It's mind-blowing to me. I had no idea people would regard an ill man as selfish for not wanting to live with an adult child.

I’ve always been baffled that parents think 25 is to old ? Why would you let your daughter struggle ?

sure it’s hard adults living with adults, but my god it’s hard enough these days. If you’re worried about saving get her to pay rent and save it for her.

You don't know his reasons, maybe she is the awful one, after all her mum says she really doesn't want her back.
We had my DH step daughter back to live with us 3 times, she stole from us, she lied, she caused no end of hassle, we had lads knocking on the door in the middle of the night for her, we had the police at the door, hell would freeze over before i put a roof over her head again.

"Dd was awful to live with when she was younger. She was vile to us both at times in terms of what she said and how she treated our house. She was in the most terrible relationship for a while that had police involvement. She showed no liking or respect for us - constant criticism. But she has grown up. I don't want to concentrate on how she was - she has changed but it did affect both our relationships with her for a while."

It's his home too. All those slagging the guy off are ignoring that it's not without reason. If genders were changed am sure the 'outraged' response would too.

He's not simply saying "no", though, is he? He's offering to financially contribute to her rent so that she can continue living independently.

So? My mum is my nans 60 year old child, is she responsible for her until the day she dies? Get a grip.

No matter what, no matter what age, my DD will always have the option to return home (obvs not forever!). I would never say no.

@Dramasloth

exactly!

I supposed I'd rather my kids choose to leave home rather than feeling they couldn't run home in times of awfulness. I think my focus has always been on encouraging them to want to go out there and spread their wings but know they have an ultimate backup in times of need. That said I would not be prepared to simply roll over and "play dead" so to speak. My eldest has already discovered the shock of fancying a year out and thought she'd just stay at home and lounge around. We fought and she tried to threaten to move out until I pointed out what her rent would be and what I could realistically rent her room out for given all that I was doing at the time (feeding her, washing her clothes etc). There was a lot of grumbling but she did knuckle down and 6 years on she actually agrees with what we did.

But at what point do you decide enough is enough?

You say she would always be welcome but not forever, so at some point you'd have to draw the line - maybe this is the DH's line?

@Dramasloth

the daughter wants do not get to trump the wants of her terminally ill and in chronic pain father. She sounds like she was extremely difficult to live with, there are repercussions of that 🤷‍♀️ probs a good lesson for her to learn

Exactly. A thirty per cent increase in rent. Makes the landlord of OP's daughter seem reasonable.
So long as the "haves" can guzzle the wages of the "have nots" to fund their lifestyle/retirement/"property portfolio" then the property market will continue to be fucked and people like OP's daughter will always struggle.

I supposed I'd rather my kids choose to leave home rather than feeling they couldn't run home in times of awfulness.

But this isn't a time of awfulness - she has other options. She could get another house share, she could find somewhere to rent with her boyfriend, she could rent a studio somewhere - her parents are even offering to support her financially.

She sounds incredibly privileged to me.

Not every stumbling block in life needs to see your children running back home. At some point they need to learn to cope on their own.

People need to learn how to stand on their own two feet - we did.
If parents can afford and want to help, why not. But if not, then its their choice and until you have lived in the parent's shoes, at times its easy to judge.

OP - I posted at length a post here before - please do listen to DH as your baby is no longer a bay and the fact is you are prepared to help financially, what more does your daughter and her BF want?

One of ours - pretty good child/adult - we gave them a large amount of cash to buy their first hoe together, their OH had no money but they were in love and we like her - they are on their feet a few years on, ie 3 years and hoping to pay off their 30 year mortgage in 20 now or sooner but they spend too much money on hols (4 years) and clothing - so what we have done told them and we were going to give them a cash lump sum to decrease their mortgage to 15 years come renweal we won't as they may get split - so letting your children stand on their own two feet never hurts if they are able.