Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

OMG! I am terrified of the future now. Seriously. This thread is the scariest thing I have read in a while.

And still their daughter.

You put the rent up £700 pcm in 3 years? The OP's DH isn't the bellend in your post...

Yes, I should have RTFT - but why on earth don’t people include such very relevant and pertinent info in their original post??

@Brefugee

Is there no limit to the number of callous posts you contribute here? 🫤

And? That doesn't mean she has the right to come back home at any time, no matter how poor her behaviour.

If this thread was from a terminally unwell woman who was struggling with an argumentative 25yo who'd had the police to her door, everyone would be telling her to kick her out to stand on her own two feet.

These replies are honestly insane to me.

I can see why you’re upset, but it sounds like she burnt her bridges during COVID.

If, as a 22 year old, she was difficult to live with when you were doing her a favour by having her back with you, I can appreciate your DH’s position. If he’s more prepared to pay money towards her rent than to have her live at home, it sounds like he wants to preserve what relationship he has with her before close proximity to her attitude destroys it entirely.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to want to move home to save - that’s literally the only way anyone can save for a house deposit now. Don’t forget bigger deposits are needed now as house prices go up and up but wages stagnate.

I would also say at 25 I was a completely different person to who I was at 20, I was much much more mellow. It sounds like that might have happened to your DD too?

Would it not work the way he's suggested? You pay for her to flatshare so she can continue to save? I know you said she doesn't want to live with strangers, but if she finds a house with a few women of similar age that seems likes a much better solution for everybody.

Sadly your daughter is experiencing what a lot of young people are experiencing: rents increasing far faster than wages in an already overheated market.

I always knew I had a place at my mum's if I needed it when I was in my twenties. I never did, but my brother lived with her for about 2yrs in his late 20s while he saved a hefty deposit. It's sad that your daughter isn't offered a similar thing, especially as you say you have a bedroom available for her.

What specific reasons does your husband have for rejecting her request? Yes, it can be stressful having adult children and their parents in one home. That's to be expected. But his reaction suggests it's more than just generally a bit annoying. He needs to give specifics so you can see if you and your daughter can work out a solution. It IS your house too, I presume?!

Your husband's idea to give your daughter money towards her rent is madness. You'd be far better off either giving her the money for a deposit now or have her home while she saves AND you also save the money you'd have given her to top up her savings and your deposit.

Adults sharing a house absolutely need ground rules and your daughter - if she moves back in - absolutely needs to be paying her way (at the very least in terms of the extra energy bills and food shopping etc.). I strongly recommend you find out what your husband's concerns are specifically and draw up rules to overcome any issues relating to them.

This may be reaching but OP says everything other than the bedroom has to be shared. I had an embarassing health condition a while ago and it was terrible to share the bathroom with my teen DS ( who spends hours in there). It's fixed now, but it was hell for everyone. Perhaps her Dh feels the same. It's quite hard to be ill in a small space, and I wasn't even that ill.

There’s no way I wouldn’t have my daughter home. Just set some ground rules as to what you want it to look like and make it clear that you will regularly talk about whether it is working for you all or not and if not then she will need to seek accommodation elsewhere

@Brefugee

What's with all the angst? The OP is not your slave that has to immediately drop everything in order to answer your questions. You're coming across as a rather aggressive controlling individual.

If this thread was from a terminally unwell woman who was struggling with an argumentative 25yo who'd had the police to her door

OP didn't say this.

Her husband is not 'terminally unwell'. 'Life limiting' can refer to many conditions. I know 2 people with life-limiting conditions who are perfectly & completely healthy now, just with some additional medical needs (I appreciate OP's DH has a lot of pain).

Also the 'police to the door' part? OP said her DD had police involvement in a former relationship & didn't specify further.

OP, if you do come back to read the posts, I'm sorry you've had such a pile-on from people interpreting your posts as they wish.

Even if your interpretation is more accurate, people would still be suggesting that the adult daughter needed to move out and stand on her own two feet.

No one, and I mean no one, will stand in the way of my children coming home. DD over DH every time.

Riight.. so you as a landlord has done what the ops dd's landlord has done? If you are so concerned about London rent maybe you should sell your property to help increase the housing stock.

This would be the end of my relationship. My children will always have a home with me, just as I know (at 48!) I would still have a home at my parents house.

My grown up children know they will always have a home here if they need one.

Some of you would really end a good marriage in favour of an adult dc who is perfectly capable of independent living?

No you wouldn't.

You will be hard pressed to find many 25 year old who want to move back in with their parents. She’s not asking this of you to be difficult, it’s because she genuinely needs your support. It’s only for a year. I think your husband is being horribly unreasonable. She’s had the taste of an independent life and moving back in with Mum and Dad (bar a few circumstances) no young person really wants to do.

You could lose her forever…

can you max out all the other options first? Have your home as a safety net?

Posts like this (and there are loads) are really a sign of how bad people's marriages are that they would end it over an insistence that their adult daughter move home despite DH having a life limiting illness.
If DD was 15 and DH wanted her to leave, then I would choose DD, but I would choose my DH in this case, provided we continued to support DD, as was suggested in the OP.

But he's offering to help her maintain her independence by financially supporting her to stay in a house share.

I don’t understand this. My children will always be welcome at home! Support your daughter.