Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I've not read the whole thread but I'm with dh on this,, even just based on the original post.

Your daughter is not on the streets, she's got a good job and she's capable of living independently. Why should you and he subsidise her buying a home?

The last time you all lived together she was vile. She's improved over the last few years, but is that genuinely that living with her would be different, or is it because you currently all have space (ie a buffer) between you all and you're not under each others feet? Even if she had always been a dream child, you're still not obligated to house her when she's able to house herself.

Ultimately, she doesn't NEED to come and live with you. It would be convenient for her, sure. But if she can't pay London rent she needs to look for a job outside London. Nurses are in short supply, she can rent somewhere more affordable.

Your dh isn't selfish because he wants a quiet life. You've both raised her, she's flown the nest - youre not obliged to house her for a year or more because she fancies buying a house. It's nowhere near the same as if she was out on the streets without a pot to piss in.

I can’t imagine either myself or my dh telling a dd in such circs that she could not come home.
Did your dh and dd not get on? Was there something about her behaviour that drove him mad? Or irritated him a great deal on a daily basis?

This.

OP describes her daughter as argumentative and difficult to live with, and as someone who always has to have their own way. She's also been involved with the police in the past.

HNRTFT.Crikey my children have all Boomeranged home in their 20s for various reasons.My 28 year old is coming home next month for a few months to save before going to Oz ! My children will always be welcome if ever it is ever necessary l Husband would not have the final say .

Your daughter was abusive to you both. She has improved but is still not easy - how? What does she still do that would make your husband's life miserable?

Your husband is dying and your daughter wants to make his life worse not because she is homeless, so really needs you, but to save money. She is planning to use you.

If she is to come back she needs to totally own her bad behaviour and to accept she has to change it. You need to make her face up to the need to do better.

You need to read the thread.

Agree with catelynjane above. If my DH already had to cope with pain and poor quality of life, I wouldnt expect to take away his peace of mind and change our home just because a DC doesn’t want to ‘share with strangers’. We alljust got on with that and shared bedrooms, slept on landings, behind curtains in lounges etc.

Or her DC could move to cheaper area if NHS where she can save for deposit. OP can match fund so encourage her to get on with buying. It doesn’t have to be that a DC’s choices trump parents, we can give support without them moving back. It really does change the dynamic and can damage the relationship if it turns into a difficult time. Talking and listening needed more to find out what issues are.

Eh? Part of growing up is moving out and standing on your own two feet, not clinging to mum and dad for your whole life.

Did you RTFT?

admittedly a shocking drip feed but still...

That's such a shame. I moved back home for a year when I was 30 after I'd split with my husband. I will be eternally grateful to my parents for helping me!

who died and made you the boss of him.

if you had taken even the time to read OPs very few dripfeeds posts you'd know the daughter was awful, police involvement, likes to get her own way the house is tiny, the DH has a life-limiting illness and he's offered to help the DD out with the finances.

Absolute fucker.
If you're reading, OPs DH - LTB. She earns more than you, you should do OK out of it.

This absolutely.

OP you said your DH was normally a lovely person. Talk to him to really understand where he is coming from. Try to listen to what he says and understand it and then say where you are coming from.

It feels like there is definitely a compromise on this to be had, but your circumstances are very specific to your family, so I'm not sure people's stories about very different circumstances are totally relevant.

Perhaps sit down and work out how long she would need to save up the deposit based on using all of her London rent. That is how long she can stay for as long as she pays you that amount every month to go into savings. If she misses a month or starts paying less here and there then she has to leave.

Your husband is remembering the bad years, I can sympathise. DD was a drama queen teen and a bloody nightmare at times. There was barely a day without some screaming and shouting over something. Now, at 26, she lives with her partner and is a lot different. She is also NHS although band 6, and works hard, saves hard and has a good life. But I have to admit that if she needed to come back home I would dread it. She can be bossy and doesnt compromise easily, she likes things done her way.

I would of course do it but there wouldh ave to be some very firm rules and boundaries in order for it to work.

I have not read all the comment. Realistically, you're may be be able to find a property in her price brackets. There is currently a waiting list for property.

That's so sad. At 37 I know I could go back and stay with my mum if I needed to. I haven't needed to since I was early 20s but I know I could. That kind of security is so important. Why does your husband's opinion surpass yours? You're her mother.

She is a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself at this point. Barring very exceptional circumstances I would not let my adult children move back in with me. Your husband's feelings should also be a priority as he is your spouse and partner. Life is hard that's a fact bills are expensive that's also a fact we all have to deal with it and you can be supportive as a parent without letting her move in with you for a year....children are meant to raise and release into the world to make their own way and live their own lives. I guess I was raised in a different time because nowadays kids seem to be considered "kids" until they are like 50 yrs old 🤣

I'm with DH, a bit reluctantly. It won't be just a year I expect.

Wow! When we lost our house as a child our grandparents let us all move in for a year until we got back on our feet. In fact, they did it again when my parents renovated a house too. My parents let me and our family move in for a year when we renovated our house. When my husband nearly died and ended up in a coma on life support, I knew that I could move in with my baby and young child with them if my husband didn't survive. I know that I could move in with them at any time if I needed to. I would hope that my children also felt that same sense of security when they get older.

We have currently got 3 adult DC and 2 of their partners living with us 😂😂. Completely different scenario to the OPs situation though. We are fit and healthy, they are respectful and try to be discrete. There is enough room.

I can’t imagine say no to my children, even when they are adults, unless they were a risk to the family.

She’s Not a child anymore but she is
your (your DH’s) child.

My children will alway be welcome home (bar them doing something horrific that hurts others I suppose).

I moved back home when my first marriage broke down and I found myself a single parent really struggling. Me and my 2 year old moved back in with my mum while I got my shit together. Was it stress free and easy for her? No. But she never made me feel anything other than welcome, and home. It allowed me to create stability and feel safe, and provide a safe upbringing for my son.

I could move back home now age 44 if I needed to, and I would do the same for my kids. I can't imagine it being different tbh. I think your husband is being unkind

And he's her father.

She's also argumentative, difficult to live with and has had police involvement in the past.

Your DH sounds like a complete bellend. I can't imagine ever turning my child away when they needed me. Shame on him. I agree he could set boundaries as in its a temporary arrangement, she lives there for x amount of time. Otherwise there's the risk of it going on forvever. But she's right, london rents are crazy. I own a 1 bed flat which I rent out and the rent used to be 1500 pcm and now is 2200 pcm in the space of 3 years. It's so hard finding somewhere. Just help her out for goodness sake. Life is hard enough.