Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

You don't understand why a man with a life-limiting illness wouldn't want his argumentative, difficult to live with adult child back living at home when there are other alternatives?

Really?

I'd be incredibly disappointed in DH if he said this - i'm not sure if view this as a good marriage as i'd feel it butted up so hard against my values and wishes

In your place I would give dh two options:

He either advances her the deposit to move out properly or he agrees for her to move back.

I doubt she will ever forgive you for not offering her a bed when she most needs it, a terrible legacy to leave. It will seriously rupture your relationship.

Even if your interpretation is more accurate, people would still be suggesting that the adult daughter needed to move out and stand on her own two feet.

Some people would. Others would think differently.

And maybe both opinions could be expressed more sensitively (ok, I know it's MN but still...)

I think there's a middle ground. I cannot imagine objecting to my DC moving home; if I did have objections, I'd sit down & say exactly what they were & discuss it, like an adult, with my adult child.

OP's DH making a unilateral decision is totally unreasonable.

OP has said she is the higher earner due to DH's illness, would you not advance her the deposit yourself?

OP's DH making a unilateral decision is totally unreasonable.

Absolutely, but the vast majority of responses are just suggesting that OP does just that - which is equally unfair.

I'm 37 and I (and all my siblings) still have a bedroom at home. My kids know Grandma's house is 'home' too and are always welcome there.

Let your DD come home but do lay down some ground rules!

Most marriages surely don’t just accept a unilateral decision of this magnitude, with the potential to blow up family relations without talking it through. Without discussions first as a couple then with their daughter to come up with a solution that they can all get behind.

her bad behaviour as a teenager should not be taken into account.

his life limiting illness doesn’t give him a card to simply say no to things.

instead his feelings should be listened to and ground rules come up with and a way through

My door would always be open, how awful that he thinks he is the sole decision maker and she feels like she has not got a home to come to in difficult times. Many have had to move home and this is just the way things are. He is selfish and unreasonable but you need to set ground rules, chores and talk to her about how she needs to act more grown up and no arguments. Tell him he can move out if it is so easy. Sad to think someone would not want their own daughter home for a while.

That’s really sad. And I am also saddened by the number of posters who agree with your dh

children are for life, they don’t just get dumped at 18 and told to get on with it, they should be able to come to family for support when needed, be it moving back in for a year, a food parcel or whatever and as long as you can afford to help then why not?

Lots of parents do help their kids out, I know mine have and I am immensely grateful to them, I know friends who are giving inheritance now to help the kids onto the housing market

it must be heartbreaking for you to have your husband ( no D in my mind here) say no to helping his child, and yes he may just damage the relationship beyond repair

Personally I would be making it very clear to her that you desperately want to help her, would have her back ina heartbeat, with some firm boundaries, but her father refuses. That way she may maintain a relationship with you but not with her father

Are they? I think I've RTFT but I don't see this.

Some say they'd kick their DH out (extreme, I agree, but a spouse so clearly rejecting our DC would certainly give me pause in my relationship).

Most aren't suggesting that OP act unilaterally?

Exactly.

They pretty much are - telling OP her husband is horrible, selfish and a dick - and that her DD must come home because DC should always be able to come back home.

They may not have explicitly said "Override your DH's wish" but that's exactly what they're suggesting!

@catelynjane

Wild leaps there!

That's not what posters are saying - I can't speak for everyone but it's clear many saying a DC should always be able to come home also agree there should be ground rules.

There is every chance that OP's DD will be completely different as a 26 yo to a teen, and some open conversations would help. Not flatly saying no.

That's not what posters are saying - I can't speak for everyone but it's clear many saying a DC should always be able to come home also agree there should be ground rules.

But that's not what he wants. So if that's what happens, it's still a unilateral decision!

perhaps she can stay with her boyfriend, i am sure she would prefer to spend time with him as she has been living with him, or at least had more freedom

I get it. Obviously you all need to have a discussion especially considering if she’s moving back in then I can imagine you will also be sharing your space with the boyfriend often too. She could find another house share, she just doesn’t want to, unfortunately thats not how the world works and sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Obviously your husband would rather pay towards her rent than have her home which I think says a lot.

Would she still want to move in if you said no boyfriend stopping over?

OP me and my then bf (now DH) had to move out of London 15 years ago due to prices/job loss. His parents let us live with them for a year and we saved up enough for a house deposit. We will always be grateful for what they did. Yeah we had our disagreements etc but ultimately we simply wouldn't have managed to buy a house without this gesture. Give your DD a start in life.

I suspect that many posters who are suggesting that her DH is awful haven’t lived with someone who’s got a life-limiting illness and is in a lot of pain.

The DD needs to be more than just mellow and less argumentative than she was as a teenager, she needs to be considerate and think about his needs.

If, for example, his illness/the pain makes it hard for him to move around or unsteady on his feet, she can’t be messy or leave stuff lying around, because he could trip and really hurt himself. If she disturbs his sleep getting in late, he might be unable to work the next day, not just abit tired.

I’m hoping that the OP returns with an update saying that her DD understands her Dad’s concerns, she’s talked to him about them, and they’ve agreed on the best way forward.

Yes I totally agree that this could be the case. The dh might need some privacy and space to accommodate his condition.

So if that's what happens, it's still a unilateral decision!

Of course it isn't 🙄

If that happened, it would be the result of discussion & compromise. Like normal adults usually use.

You're making up a whole story.

why can’t herself and her boyfriend rent a double room in a flatshare, ( cheaper than renting a room on her own)I know she said she Dosen’t want to live with strangers

if she is thinking of buying a flat with her boyfriend she should live with him for at least 9mths / 1year beforehand, as you said already that she is difficult to live with, so both she and him should be sure they can fully tolerate each other before making a big financial commitment like that

Sure. And DH could say any / all of that rather than losing it & saying no.

I don't think "standing on your own feet" is that easy for this generation. I rented for just two years in the 1980's then I was able to buy my first home as a single parent at 23. My first home cost £17,000 and I could just about do it and the childcare on my nurses salary.
My DS is 40, no kids, lived with his girlfriend for a couple of decades, neither wants marriage. They have been hard saving for 20 years to get on the housing ladder and are just about to buy their own home.
The flat they have been living in in the south east a one bedroom flat in a big block, pretty run down has cost them £1000 a month.
I offered for them to come and live with me to save money as I live alone but they couldn't really leave their jobs...we live opposite ends of the country.
But they have now found new jobs and are buying in Wales.
There is no way either of them with the best will in the world could have afforded to buy a home aged 23 and they can't afford to have kids.
This is the reality for most young people now.