Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Oh god not again ... maybe read the OP's posts?

@thing47 You're right, I think many of us have been assuming cancer or something that will be terminal fairly soon, but it could be something like rheumatoid arthritis or MS that are also extremely painful and require plenty of rest.

Still, I think that their DD needs to take her Dad’s condition into consideration and reassure him that she won’t behave as she previously did.

I think this is really sad, my parents have always said I’m welcome back there to live whenever (obviously paying rent to them) but I’d be so sad if my parents said no.

I left home at a very young age, even when faced with stages of my life with homelessness (and with a child) I was not welcomed back, it means you feel completely and utterly alone, abandoned and unloved (bad childhood in my case).

I’d never want anyone to have to feel like that so after times at uni and living elsewhere my adult son (30s) is back living with me and my DP.

It was not planned as we had moved to a small house for just two of us and is very stressful. Been a few years of living like this now, my son now has FT work low paid so not enough to even rent a 1bed flat where we live.

If my DH decided to make that decision for both of us I’d move out and live with my child without him.

I wonder what pp would say if their child had been a proper horror growing up? Bringing police round due to her relationship etc? She doesn’t sound easy and I empathise with your Dh not wanting her back. If he’s in pain with his illness and obviously remembers the traumas she put you through, I can totally understand him not wanting her back. Will it/did it put a strain on your relationship with him? He was probably ecstatic when she moved out. (Sorry!)

OP honestly speaking you’ve asked for advice but you are withholding facts /examples not allowing people to give an educated opinion.

Prior to this post, you’ve kept saying “she was difficult to live with”.
This can mean a million things into people’s minds based on personal experiences. For some it can be she had a messy bedroom for others it could be she will have dinner at 9pm every day without exception and have a shower at 1am.
For all we know “she liked things done in a certain way” may mean DD is neurodivergent/has OCD and is very peculiar with a,b,c or d or something completely different.

Withholding examples or explanation About exact behaviours skews perception towards your POV and completely makes it look like DH is unreasonable. But is he?
you just mentioned a lot of behaviours that sound very problematic all the while your husband is unwell.
Maybe he doesn’t want to deal with that crap while I’ll or maybe he doesn’t want DD to see him like that for an extended period realising truly “how bad things are” This letting his self Perth down in her eyes (a few weeks of holiday vs 1yr at home are different).

My advice would be to try a further conversation with the premise of “DH I truly would like to understand what’s your reasoning with your opinion on the matter”.
and then, let him talk, don’t get argumentative or defensive.

This is true.

But if my dad had any of those conditions, I would want him to have as much rest, peace and space as possible. I would never even think about running back home at the age of 25 just because I didn't want to pay for a flat share.

But Op says he's in pain and the house is small.

It could be an embarrassing and undignified condition that he doesn't want to play out in front of his daughter. He may think another adult in the space is detrimental to his health. I think he sounds like he has a good reason and not many options.

The daughter has no reasons other than wanting to save up for herself.

My 41 friend is temporarily living with her mum. Your dh sounds heartless! It's a year.

And what happens if she's no closer to moving out in a year than she is now?

Does he give her another year? Two years? Five years?

At 25 and working I would charge my child a rent that balanced out their cost to us as their parents. But my kids have always known that if they're not in education but still living at home they would be expected to pay rent. Until they've bought their own home I would still say their bedroom and our house represented their home regardless where else they've been.

I think your DH might lose his relationship with his daughter and that's an awful shame. Some kids just have a tougher time growing up.

Has she ever lived with her boyfriend I wonder?

Might be an idea to rent together if not!

This is excellent advice.

The only thing I would add is regarding "Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way." You will have to make it crystal clear to her that there is no question of things being done "her way". Your and DH's house, your and DH's rules, your and DH's 'ways'. No ifs, no buts.

Yes. If they're paying rent and behaving in a respectful manner. That's part of growing up!

@bakewellbride But I expect that your friend is kind and considerate towards her Mum. The OP’s DD has a history of being “vile” as she puts it. Her ill DH can’t tolerate that behavior atm-so it’s on their DD to reassure him that she’s changed.

Our DC will always be welcome to live in our home, providing they are considerate of others. Still have DC24 and DC22 at home, and they are under no pressure to move out.

Same for me, my girl will ALWAYS be able to come home. My mum taught me this, when times got hard she promised me I would never not have a roof over my head and was welcome home no matter what went wrong.

OPs DH sounds like an arse. Kids are a lifelong commitment - they will always be our babies.

Our DC will always be welcome to live in our home, providing they are considerate of others

I expect that that applies to a lot of posters.

Does it to Op's daughter?

I'm not sure if this is mostly a "cancel the cheque" situation

just in case - CANCEL THE CHEQUE!

But I am really saddened to think that so little consideration is being given to someone with a life limiting illness, by so many posters. It might not be terminal, but that isn't the point.

An adult, who has been offered money to help them out, should not be making life harder for a parent with a life limiting illness. That person's life is hard enough.

Such a hard situation to be in.

Maybe broach the subject again , with your husband, but agree to lay down some boundaries that you tell your daughter prior to coming back.
Reiterate to her your husbands health needs as well.
I'd find it very hard to say no but given what you've hinted at about your daughter's prior behaviour I feel that boundaries, beforehand, might be a way to move forward as a family.

I can’t believe you would even consider rejecting your own flesh and blood. My daughter will always have a roof over her head. Her father and I don’t care if she’s 25 or 45. We love her and will always take care of her. Set some sensible ground rules, help her save and be there for her. You’re her mum!

Absolutely spot on! ^^

So as long as someone pays rent and acts respectfully, they can just stay home with mum and dad forever?

Bonkers.

well that's exactly what my sister is doing, never seen any problem with it.

As I said, bonkers.