Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

That's gross.
The man is dying and in pain.
Way to teach your kids how to be selfish.

My son will always have a home for as long as I have one regardless of his age.

Is your DH your daughter's father?

babyproblems · Today 17:15
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I think you should fight her corner.
I would feel so so hurt if my parents refused help like this and I don’t think I’d forgive it tbh”

As an adult, there is nothing to “forgive”.

RTFT. He's offering plenty of help!

OP has already answered that, and he is.

Good lord.

The OP is between a rock and a hard place but I'm honestly shocked at the number of people who want the OP to totally disregard the wishes of her extremely ill husband in favour of her healthy 25-year-old dd who is known to be hard to live with.

I'd also like to think a 25 yo would have enough empathy to realize it would be too much for her Dad, and find an alternative.

I was on my own at 17. I get what it's like to be homeless. We are talking about an adult who is difficult and being offered money though.

This isn't a dire situation. She can live with others or her and her bf can live together. If she can't afford London then she moves.

Isn't that what most of us do?

Giving your kids whatever they want just because they are your kids isn't doing them any favors.

At least the hag bit of that poster's handle is accurate

This is a really difficult one. I think the clues are in the later part of your first post and your subsequent posts that your DD can be difficult and likes to do things her own way. She may have mellowed but has she mellowed enough? Clearly your DH fears she hasn't. Mentally he may be more scarred from recent exchanges than he's let on in the past. If he fears there will be future run-ins (ie she hasn't changed as much as you think) and he has a life limiting condition you can understand his attitude (plus once she's back then that year could easily become two or three). It's not like he hasn't offered an alternative solution (although he certainly needs to be the one who "owns" the decision).

Ask him to move out for a year? Ditch him to live with daughter? Really? Daughter has a boyfriend she's buying with in a year. Why suggest OP wreck a decent marriage irrevocably for daughter to swan off in a year (as she should) and leave mum alone without a backward glance. OP said he's ill not necessarily dying anytime soon - he's her partner who whe loves and is with her for life. She should be prioritising that relationship where possible. Her DH not wanting their difficult child to move back in (and offering to pay rent, not letting her end up on the streets!) is not a dealbreaker!

What do you want to happen.

It may have been a tough decision for your daughter to make, moving back home after living independently. Securing a career that unforutnately doesn't allow her to live independetly. I'm band 6 NHS and couldn't afford to rent in my home town.

If you want to support her to move home for a while, the best solution is probably discussing this with your DH. Ask him to be specific as to why and what annoys him. Then work on plan to avoid this don't allow him to be generic about it.

Set clear boundaries and expectations of both whilst living together.

I know I'd have my DD back if you needed it but with strong boundaries in place. To avoid conflict.

Or have a trail period (3 months for example) to see how it goes.

good luck.

I’ve lived with an extremely ill parent at a similar age (my Mum died when I was mid-20’s after several years of illness) and you have to accommodate their needs. They need peace, good food, no drama and plenty of love. It doesn’t mean that you need to be a carer (although it would be nice if your DD supports her Dad in small ways, like offering to make him drinks and snacks) just that you need to be compassionate and not cause them stress.

If your DD isn’t prepared to be considerate of your DH’s needs, she really could do damage. I’m sorry to be so blunt.

I'd also like to think a 25 yo would have enough empathy to realize it would be too much for her Dad, and find an alternative.

Well, exactly. If my dad was terminally ill and struggling, the last thing I would do is foist myself on him and my mum and expect them to house me!

^^ very good advice this!

The BIGGEST drip feed I've ever seen.

If this scenario you should be welcoming her back home !
she has more than likely grown up a fair bit as well !
children should always be welcome home x

What are you planning to do about your own behaviour OP, if your daughter moves back in?

I’m sure you agree that it’s not fair that your DH (with a life limiting condition that means he is often in pain) should have to put up with you and your DD constantly bickering, so how do you plan to address that?

How will you do better this time?

Can I just point out that we don't know OP's DH is dying, or terminally ill. 'Life-limiting' can refer to any number of conditions including MS, heart disease, major organ transplant, kidney failure, stroke etc with which somebody could live for many years, even decades. What it means, in its strictest sense, is having an illness or condition which will reduce your expected lifespan and is more likely than not to be the cause of your death. Without knowing exactly what is wrong with the poor man, it is impossible to describe him as dying or terminally ill.

I’d have my 30yr old son back in a heartbeat if he needed it. No it wouldn’t be my preference but my home will always be my kids home like I always have a home at my mums. I think your husband is unreasonable when it’s for a set period

Honestly, why can’t people state their view politely and leave others alone if they disagree? Op asked how others would feel for the range of perspectives People can say how they personally would feel without denigrating those who feel differently. He doesn’t have to be an arse and those who would want their dd home don’t have to be martyrs. It’s a world of people and we all feel differently

Wise words @Calliopespa
Unfortunately these sort of threads attract a lot of one-liners about how "the DCs will always have a home here", often without taking into account the context or even bothering to read the OP's posts

I'm never quite sure what the point is beyond a bit of enjoyable virtue signalling, but it doesn't appear to be to help OP with what's a difficult decision

@Prelapsarianhag

lol, no you wouldn’t

Yuck! I would eat my husband, if he said that🤣 It's not like there isn't a plan to work towards. I would always suggest a conversation about how it could work. What I do I think the challenges would be? What does my kid think the challenges will be? A review date. Ongoing ability to say "this is annoying"

@AxolotlEars

you would eat your husband?