Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

you got the slow handclap because the info about how vile she was, what she did and how you can be sure she won't make your ill husband's life unbearable. But whizzed in, consolidated your position and left out the really useful thing that you could have told us.

How do you know now that she will be ok to live with? you literally don't. As you know DCs can be utterly vile "at home" because they feel safe there. Why are you prepared to take this chance over your DHs reaction? You don't sound lovely and supportive of your DH, although you do sound lovely and supportive of your DD.

I think you're going to have to put your foot down, with both your husband and daughter.

With your husband - this is not a decision that is down to him alone, this has to be a joint decision. You mentioned "DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this". I'd say it almost certainly is. I spent a couple of years in near-constant pain and it really affected how I saw everything. Effectively I became a pessimist, always expecting the worst; your husband may well be anticipating your daughter to replay the worst of the times you had with her before. So, I'd be pointing out both these things to him - it's not just his decision it's your's too, and that your daughter now is a different person from your daughter then, and you should both consider giving her the chance to prove that.

And maybe - I don't know how limiting his illness is, but maybe, wouldn't he like in his last years to enjoy a harmonious relationship with her rather than the wary acceptance I suspect he has now?

With your daughter - a serious and honest conversation, nothing ignored, nothing minimised. You cannot, will not accept a rerun of the bad old days - she has to behave better. Ground rules need to be set out and agreed - and stuck to. She breaches agreed rules, she's out. And she has to know that you really mean that.

It is so common now to have a returner. My DS, also 25, is back for now, under almost identical circumstances. Rent went up, couldn't be afforded, he's back with us and applying for new jobs. It's not what we expected, it's not what he expected. It's a little unsettling having him around again.

The thing to watch out for is that it's easy to slip back into how it once was. I actually know this from both sides - being the parent now, and the daughter in the past. I had a good relationship with both my parents, but oh how I struggled! Five years on my own, you'd think I'd have held on to my independent ways, but no, I think after a fortnight I'd slipped back into daughter-mode and my mum asking me what I fancied for tea tonight (because the kitchen was hers to command). As well as putting your foot down with your husband and daughter, you may find you also have to put your foot down with yourself!

It's the same thing, except that terminal usually means less than a year to live, while life-limiting means you have a little longer left but will get progressively worse until you reach the terminal stage.

Basically, you are going to die sooner than you ought to.

St Clare Hospice says:

Terminal illness is usually used to describe a life-limiting illness that is thought to have progressed to the final or terminal stage. There is no precise definition for this terminal stage, but it is typically used for a person considered to be within the last 12 months of life.#

I think not great. Which is why she states she is giving the thread a rest.

Honestly, why can’t people state their view politely and leave others alone if they disagree? Op asked how others would feel for the range of perspectives People can say how they personally would feel without denigrating those who feel differently. He doesn’t have to be an arse and those who would want their dd home don’t have to be martyrs. It’s a world of people and we all feel differently.

If you bow to his commands then he is the one to tell her, no “we agree” . What a shit father, would he have the same attitude if she was fleeing domestic violence? Would she be on her own then, your answer to that will tell you all you need to know about your husband as a father.
I thought parents ( well mine anyway and me as one) are a bit like dogs, for life.

Has your daughter ever acknowledged her previous bad behaviour? If she refuses to do that, I would not let her move in.

So you'd kick your DH (with a life limiting illness) out of his home and potentially end your marriage so that your adult child could move back in for a year?

Even though that adult child is argumentative, difficult to live with and has previously brought the police to your door?

Is he your dd's dad? He sounds very mean. My four kids will always know there is a place for them should they need to come home and their partners too. A year is nothing. What on earth is wrong with him?

I would have mine back-but I'd want to make sure that they had looked at all options as well, not just assumed that they could move back.

It can be hard to readjust when you are used to doing what you want when you want & not considering others.

He's dying.

He's dying and in pain and the daughter was a nightmare to live with. THAT'S what's wrong with him.

In a small house with a shared bathroom and kitchen it may be a recipe for disaster, so I do agree with your husband.

Posting on an open forum makes it everyone's business.

Clearly I know nothing of your situation, only what you posted. You should have posted more than the 'I had everyone move back and I did most of the work' that you stated.

And you can tell me off in a less rude way - manners, please!

for everyone who CBA to read beyond the fact that a man dared to say "no" here are the pertinent points:

• DD was difficult to live with, likes things done her way and in the past has had police involvement
• DH has a life limiting illness, and works part time, he has offered to contribute to DDs living costs but would prefer not to have her back in their small house

yeah. he is an utter fucking bastard who should be kicked to the kerb and never ever mentioned again.

Am ill which is the only reason I'm still here waiting for OPs next dripfeed.

You'd put a healthy 25 year old whose dad has offered money to help with her increased rent, before your terminally ill husband, and walk out on him?

@catelynjane

So that they can save up to buy a property (with the bonus of finding out if the get on well in close quarters !) ?

I know several parents who had their child's partner living with them temporarily.

Your husband is massively unreasonable ... to be polite.

I know several parents who had their child's partner living with them temporarily.

Oh good lord. We need to do this now too, to be good parents! I draw the line at my DC partner's ever living with me.

There's no way I would have my 25 year old child and their boyfriend moving in with me to "find out if they get on well" lol.

If they want to test the waters, they can rent a flat like everyone else!

In her first post the OP says It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker. Note the 'would be'. That rather says that the DD, although she might have matured to some degree, is still going to cause issues .

The OP says in a follow up post: Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. Confirming that the DD is still no angel, still likes things her way, is still hard to live with. So how do you think setting out ground rules is going to make any difference?

The DH has said he would find it too stressful. That's his call to make. He's not washing his hands of her, he's more than willing to help her pay an increased rent. It feels like the OP is seeing the DD through rose coloured glasses. DD likes things done her way, she's hard to live with...but she's a 'lovely person'. OP can you give us examples of her being a lovely person? That would help to support the case for her coming home. (Though just because someone can be a lovely person in other settings doesn't automatically mean they're a lovely person to live with.)

If there is a choice between DH and DC. DC will come first. I would be asking him to move out for a year.

Even though he's terminally ill? Really?

Yeah good idea. He can die on his own…..

I think some of the "you'll always have a home" posters are being disingenuous. There's no reason she can't find a new house share, move a bit further out etc. Dads said he would contribute financially he could cover the 15% and get new flatmates Its just convenient to move home now its got expensive and she wants to save to buy.

Its 3 adults in a small house who have had issues previously. And one is ill. That's hard work.

I would also be wary of the boyfriend living at his parents. He's saved money he could help her out short term as they are buying together anyway. Why is it all down to mum?

I think you should fight her corner.
I would feel so so hurt if my parents refused help like this and I don’t think I’d forgive it tbh. I don’t get the mn thing of kicking kids out and not helping them once they’re adults. I’d be trying to find a way dd and DH can compromise. Weekends away for example. strong ground rules. Set chores. A fixed time period. If you say no, she will remember it for life. You’d be better for DH to explain his true worries and all address them x