Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

And how's that likely to work with someone who's "still hard (to live with)" and "likes things done her way"?

Fortunately hardly anyone's suggested turning their backs on DD, but wouldn't it be better to support her lovingly in living more independently, even to the extent of helping with rent which in fact the DH has already suggested?

I feel you there 😂

OP, I'll be honest, the original post made me upset. I moved in with my DF around that age due to a relationship breakdown and it was very helpful to both of us. We hadn't lived together since I was very small so it was nice. I have a closer relationship with him now due to that period of time.

However: 1) he has a huge house (3 story row house so we could have our own floors with a floor between us!) and 2) I'm a very quiet roommate and generally respectful of my surroundings. We didn't have to share anything other than the kitchen.

In your case, according to your subsequent comments, I can really see where your DH is coming from. If she isn't enjoyable to live with, and if you can afford to subsidise her rent elsewhere, it might be the best option here.

So your DH has a terminal illness and is frequently in pain; your DD has been and possibly still is, difficult to live with?

Hmm. I think you need to speak to your DD away from your DH and explain that her Dad’s condition means that she’ll have abide by certain house rules if she moves back in. Point out specific behaviors that your DH is simply too ill to tolerate (e.g., loud noise late at night, bickering, etc.) I imagine that he needs a lot of rest to get through each day.

Suggest two options: either she personally tells her Dad that she won’t behave the way that she used to and that she’ll be supportive of him, or she can accept the offer of help with her rent.

Unlike some PP’s, I think that your DD is ultimately responsible for her Dad’s refusal to have her back. She can probably change his mind if she takes responsibility for her past behavior though.

Given the fact that OP didn't even mentioned her DH's illness in the beginning, I very much doubt that's why the DD suddenly wants to be back home.

@HamBone you make excellent points there
(I had not read the OP's further info about how ill her H is when I posted)

She's 25! Time to be a grown up. Imagine leaving your life partner in your late middle age just to be able to shack up with your terminally teenage 'frankly awful to live with' adult DC. Couldn't be me! 😆

We had our DD back twice after uni. The second time with partner and then in addition DS with girlfriend during lockdown, although we were all working.
I loved having them all here despite doing the majority of the work.
DH and I never had any parental support and therefore could never turn our two away, especially when they're trying to save for flats or a house.
Our home will always be their home.

Nah, he's really not.

He's terminally unwell and doesn't want his daughter back home when she's previously been "argumentative", "difficult to live with" and has had the police at his door.

And despite all that, he's still offering her financial support. He sounds like a bloody good egg to me.

London rents are brutal, and it's no fun at all to be living with strangers in your twenties. You are right that renting makes no financial sense. In my view, it is better to support her in the short term so that she can save for a deposit.

'Should you continue to support your children after they become adults?'

My parents divorced when I was young. My mother kicked me out when I was a teenager. Later, aged 28, after living and supporting myself for 10 years, I had to flee an abusive relationship. I couldn't afford to rent in London and had nowhere to go. I was also pregnant. My dad was there for me, no questions asked. I will be eternally grateful. We get on so well. I contribute, so he is financially better off. Our relationship is the best it has ever been. On the other hand, I haven't spoken to my mother for years.

Now, I don't think an adult should be living with their parents with no job and no plan without some kind of extenuating circumstances but for someone who has a good job, trying hard to save, for your daughter who has plans and wants to make something of herself, I see no problem with letting her stay with you. That's what love is.

So you were working too, but did the majority of the work looking after DD and partner and DS and partner and DH too.

Martyr of the year award - what's wrong with sharing chores in a shared household?

Why are people saying he is terminal? OP didn't say that at all. She said life-limiting, which doesn't necessarily mean terminal.

Now, I don't think an adult should be living with their parents with no job and no plan without some kind of extenuating circumstances but for someone who has a good job, trying hard to save, for your daughter who has plans and wants to make something of herself, I see no problem with letting her stay with you. That's what love is.

Have you read all of OP's updates, including the fact that her DD has been involved with the police and is argumentative and difficult to live with?

No I don’t suspect it is. But I was answering a question about how I would feel in the circumstances.

Not what you asked, but buying a place with a boyfriend rarely goes well in the long run, especially if one of them is "difficult to live with"

If your daughter will be so upset & heartbroken maybe she should have learned how to live with others without bickering & causing stress by now.

How does it feel to have your husband called names & insulted on here?

Haven't read the whole thread but can she not move in with her boyfriend at his parents home ?

Really none of your business. You know nothing of our work professions or shift patterns so fuck off 😉

I would want my kids to know they'd always be welcome home if they needed it, and I know I'd be able to go to my parents too if needed.

Why on earth would they want their adult son's girlfriend moving in with them?!

This thread has been so educative on what people believe parents should be doing for their DC. Nothing is good enough, it seems.

I am planning to move my mum into my home at some point; my small London house may end up being like Noah's Ark!

DH has just come in and said he may move to a hostel too, when he retires.😊

How does it feel to have your husband called names & insulted on here?

I thought that.

Children should always be welcome back home, no matter at what age!

Wherever I am there would always be space for my children no matter the circumstances or disruption, they'll always have a home with me and if DH doesn't like that he's free to live elsewhere 🤷‍♀️

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this.

I was fully on board with your husband being a twat until I read this (and usually strongly advocate for children moving back in to save for a house).

‘REASONABLE human being’ not exactly the compliment of the century, OP.

I think your husband needs to come first. If she’s honestly been that awful in the past it’s not surprising he doesn’t want to live with her and if you try and force the issue, it’ll make it worse.

No words of wisdom but perhaps helping her flatshare somewhere is the best option for all.