Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

I never understand this argument! None of us asked to be born did we?

Of course we all want to do the best for our dc if we possibly can but I don’t think we should totally ignore the strain on parents nowadays who are often older and perhaps not in the best of health but having to work longer and pay the mortgage for longer.

Not only are they required to pay a fortune in university fees and accommodation, ditto post-grad studies, and fund the gap between school and uni, or uni and first job, or both, they are now also expected to provide a deposit for a flat or actually accommodate grown up dc for two to five years (no YAs of my acquaintance have saved up enough for a deposit in only one year) all after two decades of juggling work with parenting and working ft for much longer than previous generations while often looking after elderly parents too.

It’s a lot. My dh and I are able to do this but I don’t think it’s fair to classify other parents who can’t as lacking in love for their dc. It’s far more to do with people’s limits imho either in terms of health or finances.

The DD here brought police to the door and the DH is seriously ill, perhaps dying. Does that have something to do with the family?

The pious responses on here!

My dad did it to me. I never really got over it.
I hope I never make it so that my DC don't have a place to go.

@Desecratedcoconut my age has nothing to do with this. I have been a palliative care nurse in the past and seen how something like this can really pull a family together. Nothing to do with Hollywood, just reality.

There is nothing wrong with house sharing with people you don’t know. Lots of people do it.
she needs to get over herself!

Jesus

And what exactly was the police involvement? It could just be a matter of her being bought home by them or shoplifted - it doesn't sound like she has an extensive criminal record ffs.

No one is questioning whether people should go if they want to; it’s whether they should be able to come back . So yes, if you wanted to, I’d say off you go.

I think you have to respect your DH’s views if he had such a strong reaction to her coming back she must have been pretty bad and actions do have consequences do they not. The fact he has a life limiting illness and in pain means his tolerance levels will not be as high as they might have been. Plus if she is that awful to live with she will be back asking to come home again when her relationship breaks down.

In this case I think the husband's need is greater.

Yes, even then if I wanted to be home - which if someone in my family was that ill, I might want to be. The police is a red herring: it was years ago.

My kids will always be welcome back in my home even if we bicker, yes with rules but always whether she is 20 or 60. I didn't bring children into this world on the thought process of i only have to deal with them for the first 18 years and then they are on there own!

Ditch your husband and get a place with your daughter.

Problem solved.

How someone behaves as a young adult isn't necessarily the person they become as they mature

Absolutely, and I imagine the DH has thought of that

So bearing in mind the dripfeed that's already happened, I have to wonder what else is informing his decision

The dying husband?

yes, I know I am way too invested. It's my day off today and i am trying to avoid cooking dinner.

There’s nothing to say her parents can’t put rules around the arrangement. In fact, it’s best they do.

@RedToothBrush

have you actually read OP’s posts?

I wouldn’t entertaining living in London on a band 5. I wouldn’t even contemplate it on an 8a.

For me
This would be a redline. I'd rather move in with my adult kid

I'm afraid it would be DH looking for a new house (even with illness) if it came down to it.
Put your foot firmly down OP

Think you need to understand the reasons your dh doesn’t want her home. My kids are always welcome home. No question.

When my DH and I were between houses after he started a new job with a relocation package (plus nightmare buyer, even bigger nightmare vendor, and we had a 4mo DD), I moved into the inLaws for nearly 6m while he worked down south.

My own adoptive dad also moved my mum, me and their baby back into his parents’ place for over a year while they saved. Family is always family and your kids are always your kids.

Am trying NOT to say that your DH is being an ass but…

Your dh is horrible.
My kids will always have a home if they need it.

You'd really leave your terminally ill husband over this?

I am honestly shocked that so many people are saying this.

I was paying rent aged 16 & made to leave home aged 18.
I have told my kids that if I have a roof, they always will too.

Who makes your H the lord & master of this decision?
It's only for a year & for very good reasons.
She may forgive you for saying No but she will never forget it.

Going against the grain I would not want my 25 year old DC who has been 'frankly awful to live with' back for a year even leaving aside the illness and pain. Can you afford to give her the extra she would save if with you for a year? Presumably it would be around £1.5k a month?

Depending on how ill DH is, this year might just be too much for him.