Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Well, at 25 it's totally fine to live in a flatshare with people you don't know. I'm sure her friends are in the same boat, even if they can't live together. It's not some massive hardship, especially in London. Most young adults there don't have parents they can live with.

That's not to say I would automatically refuse to let her move back. I think it depends if you feel she will agree to the rules you set for living together. I'd like to think I would want to help her and to see more of her, but you need to discuss it properly with her and DH.

Well he obviously doesn't adore her, does he?

to not help out your own daughter is beyond me.
You would obviously need to set out some ground rules and maybe a timescale of a year, but there's no way I would say no.
why does the decision rest with him? she's your daughter too.

Another who is Team DH here. I understand OP's daughter wants to save, but with careful management, she should still be able to. I always rented privately in London in houseshares. At 28 (15 months ago) I was able to buy with my partner; it just took a little longer. 25 is very young and I am not even sure she'd get the size of mortgage she needs on a band 5 NHS wage, so she could be waiting much more than a year if she did move back in. Added to that, she does sound more difficult than OP is letting on, and her husband is ill.

If you dad had a life limiting illness and was in a lot of pain, and offered to pay some rent for you to live somewhere else, would you think your dad was a bastard?

OP I could be your daughter. By my own admission I am not easy to live with. I like my own space and routine, and things done my way. Even if it's not my own house.
I am snappy and grouchy at times but overall I think I'm a good person.

I left my ExH about 10 years ago, so I was mid 30s. My parents let me back into their house without question. For 6 months. I appreciate that makes me very lucky, but I think I'd have been heartbroken if they'd said no. And I was 10 years older than your daughter.

Unless your DH has real valid reasons (I appreciate his health position but it sounds like he's not said that's why?) please don't turn your daughter away

Your husband sounds like a really shitty parent.

Perhaps he wants to die without resenting his daughter for an avalanche of nit picking in his remaining time?

My child is free to live with me whether they are 18, 30 or 80 and any other age.

Your DH is judging her on her teenage behaviour.
The majority of us were moody teens that were difficult to live with, but we’re not like that anymore.

Of course you have to lay down the law and explain expected behaviour before she moves in etc.

She’ll probably be at her bfs half of the time anyway.

This is a no brainer and I would be giving DH an ultimatum that it’s either this or the relationship is over.

Your child needs her parents help, I’m not sure why you both wouldn’t jump at it.

The life limiting illness should have been in the first post.
When I read the first post I thought he was being unreasonable, but fortunately, before I opened my mouth I clicked on "see all" to read all of OP's posts and there was the dripfeed that he had a life-limiting illness and suffers pain.

So now we still have lots of posters calling him an arse and all the rest of it and they'd have the DD back in a heartbeat.
Yeah, sure you would, if you had a life-limiting illness, suffered pain, she was a nightmare to live with and there'd been police showing up. Like hell you'd want to go through that.

The DH has offered financial support to help her find her own place and that is a good solution. He hasn't decided to cut her off and let her become homeless.

Interesting that the OP has now decided to leave the thread once her dripfeed was revealed and she was no longer getting the answers she wanted. And wanted to avoid answering some of the quite pertinent questions - what is the illness, what's the prognosis, what exactly has DD done in the past?

Also wondering why she's so against livimg with people she doesn't know, since making new friends is a big plus for those in their twenties - and the rest of us come to that

Could it be that strangers are less likely to tolerate poor behaviour than she expects mum and dad to?

Could you have her back on a trial basis? Initially a month while she continues looking for elsewhere? Your DH is at home more and unwell and face the worst of her behaviour if she's difficult. Ultimately NHS needs staff, she could always move out of London somewhere cheaper.

Is he her father or step-father? Because I cannot imagine a biological father ever turning their back on their child. So I presume he's not her father?

You say she wants to save to get a flat with her boyfriend who also lives at home with his parents
Obviously I am commenting not knowing all the details of the situation but
Is there anyway they could find professional house share double room together that is in suitable location for both their jobs ( I am assuming they don't work at the same place ).
I have family members who live in professional houseshares in a city and they know
couples that share a room for the whole time or part of time whether officially ( arranged with landlord ) or not lol!!

I was a horrible teenager, whilst my parents loved me dearly I know it was a relief when I moved out at the age of 18.

Funnily enough, as I've aged I've also matured. I wasn't the same person aged 22 as I was at 18, and certainly a different person by the time I was 25 (in my 40s I'm unrecognisable as 18 year old me...but think that's perfectly normal!)

Based on my experience, if my daughter turns around as an adult and asks for support like this it will happen, even if she follows me and grows a second head that can swivel 360 degrees in the next year or so. How someone behaves as a young adult isn't necessarily the person they become as they mature.

In your shoes, I'd outline basic expectations and make it clear that the invitation to stay and save money is conditional on those expectations. Nothing major, just making sure they don't treat the place as a hotel. My husband would not get to veto something so important - how you handle that is your call. Best of luck.

He is wanting to help her, by paying towards her rent. There are other ways of helping her, not just letting her move back in. I understand her not wanting to live with strangers, but it’s something that lots of young people have to do.

I would say, bearing in mind that he is ill and in pain, that it’s fair that the final decision rests with the OP’s husband. Given that this is a yes/no scenario one person isn’t going to get their way.

Residential Caravan Park 🤣 only on mumsnet.

My children will always be welcomed home
in times of difficulty. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have rules to make life easier and to avoid disagreements.

@LarkspurLane I would be upset he didn't want to spend time with me in his last months etc - maybe this is on her radar and she wants to spend time with him before he dies? Make amends for being a typical teenager?

Why wouldn't someone who has a life-limiting condition want to spend time like this with their flesh and blood?

OP says she is a lovely young woman now, most 25 year olds have matured a lot since they were 18.

Why would you kick out your terminally ill husband?
If your adult DD would allow that, you'd be as bad as each other.

You can't imagine it ever?
Have you never come across a single mother?

3 adults dcs.
They have a bed with us if they ever need it.
It had nothing to do with that whatsoever.
It has to do with what kind of home and family you have and reared them in.

I think DCs should be welcome back as long as they are respectful and kind to their parents. However if the DH is unwell and doesn't want the stress of a difficult (although much adored) daughter in the house, I have a lot of sympathy with that. Perhaps the compromise is helping with rent.

Because they are living with pain and the pain infiltrates everything and what is left over doesn't have space for these Hollywood optics of dying. How old are you?

It would be great if posters like@Notanotherbloodynamechange1 and @bloodyeffinnora et al READ THE FULL THREAD before making comments like
'Your husband sounds like a really shitty parent.'

Thank you to everyone who has posted their thoughts and ideas, I will return to this thread when I feel able to.

^^Looking forward to @worriedmum64 coming back with some more dripfeed updates.

I do think that your DH is being very unkind but also understand his apprehension based on her being “difficult to live with”.

how about a written agreement about house rules, rent (I would expect her to contribute financially. If you don’t need the money you can put it in an account and return it when she moves out), chores and the agreement that the first months will have to be trial?

having an open discussion about the time frame seems necessary as well.

Because she is difficult and stress makes pain and illness worse?

She was a nightmare teen and her own mother says she's still very difficult to be around.