Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Even if they were difficult to live with and had previously been involved with the police?

I think many shocked posters haven't' read all the OP's posts.

I am team dh too

I'd be shocked, hurt, etc. if my parents refused me, their adult child, a temporary home IF there were no other realistic options available for me and IF we didn't have the kind of past where police had been involved, I'd intentionally damaged their home, and I'd said awful things to them when I was clearly old enough to know better.

If I had other options and we had a troubled history, I would only ask with cap in hand, fully prepared that they might refuse. Would the relationship suffer? Perhaps, but as an adult, I'd have to acknowledge my role in the situation.

My dad died recently.

He had cancer three times in the ten years before he died.

You haven't said what his life limiting illness is. If he is dying of cancer and you are nursing him then adding your DD to the mix seems... unhelpful.

I would not have tried to move home with my mum for financial reasons while my dad was having chemo or during his final months as frankly she was busy and needed emotional support herself not U.K. be offering it to other people.

I apologise for my bluntness but if he is expected to die soon then I would also get saying no.

My parents were born when social housing was plentiful. A mortgage in my town could be obtained on 3 or 4x the salary of a male breadwinner. Some simply do not understand that the world has changed.

I think you and your husband should support your daughter but she also needs to support you. Ideally you should all agree to meet specifically to talk about how to manage things. Does she have her own shelf in the fridge? Do you share meals? Who cooks when? Who cleans what? How much does she contribute to costs? What things annoy you about each other? Good luck.

I hope that's what it is.

I'm guessing your kids haven't had the police banging on the door and been vile to you. Fuck that shit - it's very easy to say you'd always take your DC in but she's hardly in dire financial need, the DH is ill and is wanting to sub her rent elsewhere. He's not a bastard - the DD should learn that treating your parents like shit has consequences in that they won't be delighted to want to house-share with you again.

Your husband isn’t refusing to help. He’s offering her financial assistance. I’m with him, tbh.

It's a complicated situation all around, but her Dh is most definitely not a bastard.

FFS, OP, just put your husband first. Your daughter's an adult. Let her fend for herself. What's happening with this world??

Even if they'd brought the police to your door and were awful to live with? Why would you do that to yourself?

I don't see how she can save enough in a year to make much difference to her living situation.

Having read the update - why drip feed? - surely having DD home and maybe be able to provide so physical help would be of benefit, wouldn't it be nice having her home? Why does he feel so strongly? I still think he's heartless.

Please read OP's updates - the daughter is a nightmare, and the DH is dying and in pain from his life-limiting illness!

Edit: apologies, didn’t read all of OPs posts. No need for the sarky comments tho!

This would be a deal breaker for me. My children always come first, and if I can help I will.
I’d be kicking H out!

A voice of reason!!

who could possibly argue against this?!

I wondered exactly the same, and with OP's updates it's clear that there's a lot more to this

While it's understandable that the DH doesn't want to go there again, I'd certainly support DD - but I'd do it by encouraging her to live independently rather than the backward step which moving in with parents again can often be

Especially when someone who "wants everything done her own way" might well not take the opportunity to save for her own place

He wants to live peacefully with the rest of his days. He doesn't want to live with her.

@AllEars112232

have you even read all of OP’s posts?

A dying man in pain? That says a hell of a lot about you. Nothing good though.

And he hasn't said he won't help!

AllEars112232 · Today 16:15
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This would be a deal breaker for me. My children always come first, and if I can help I will.
I’d be kicking H out”

You’d kick out your dying husband, who’s offering to help the woman financially?

This.
As long as I DH and I are alive our daughters can always live with us. I am pretty shocked that your husband is saying no. For a start it is also your decision, not his alone, but also she is your daughter ! Unless she will be dealing drugs from your front room, or going on a booze binge and destroying the house, then why would you not have her back ? Parenting doesn’t end once children are adults, it lasts forever.
When my parents died, I was shocked at how much it hurt me to no longer have that little safe place of “you can always come home” .

Where ever we lived, our adult DS’ would always have a home if they needed it, for however long they needed it.