Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Sorry I can see your DH's point. Living with a stroppy teen is one thing but living with a stroppy adult when you're frequently in pain and have limited time left is quite another. Very unfair to him just so that DD can save to buy a property more quickly. She might have to live more frugally and it might take her a few more years to save, but she'll get there eventually, especially if you're prepared to help her financially. Why should your DH's peace in his own house be shattered just so your DD can afford a property earlier? And it sounds like all of you have a much better relationship with a bit of space and distance.

I adore my dcs, however, if any of them
were awful and difficult to live with they would not be welcome back .

I would draw up a written contract with house rules and required saving rates. Address the anticipated problems before she moves back in.

I can’t imagine saying no to a child who was working hard and wanted to save. You are right that this will damage the relationship.

I understand OP's husband not wanting to live with someone (even one's own adult child) who has been so difficult in the past and continues to be "not easy" to share a home with, and that's before taking into consideration that he has a painful, life-limiting condition. He shouldn't have his life made even more difficult unless there are no other options. OP's daughter has other options; they simply aren't ones she prefers.

The backstory of the vile things said and the abusiveness of the past can't be ignored or completely forgotten. They happened and will have changed the relationship in ways that can never be fully reversed.

Man that's the most padded out emotional blackmail I've ever read on here. Bravo man.

Not the same scenario but good on your mother.

Your DH sounds like an arse. My dd moved back home last year after living away for several years with her fiancé. The relationship ended and she couldn’t afford to rent privately alone. She is not the easiest person either, but no way would I have said no to her coming home.

Would posters on this thread be ok if one or other parent moved into a shared house or a hostel? I am quite serious. I want my own space at some point in my life, and as "children are for life", they can have the family home, and I can move away from London into a houseshare!

I am 44 and could move back in with my mum today if I wanted. I can’t imagine saying no, unless of course there is a more complicated history - sometimes it would be the right choice. But this doesn’t sound like that.

@Whyohwhywyoming Op has already clarified that she does have a complicated history with her DD.

Or you're own little pad with no room for guests sounds lush.. I find this responsibility for life a bit ridiculous tbh, like a failing as a parent if you're always the fallback whenever, can't have a life of your own ever. No thankyou.

I'm pretty sure people discourage sucking at the tit early on. No idea why it's encouraged in adulthood.

I think if this was about a son who had been involved with the police and had a history of bad behavior and damaging the home the answers would be very different. Especially if it was the wife who was dying and in pain.

Could the life limiting condition have more to do with it than is coming across in your posts? That's the only reasonable explanation I can see for turning your own daughter away

Most people have snapped out of being stroppy and difficult to live with by the time they are 25, there's a very good chance she's changed. If my parents had turned me away at that age I'd have been crushed. It would have been very hard to move past.

I think police involvement and damaging the home count as complicated.

Your DH having a life limiting illness is so important here. I think his comfort and well-being is paramount, so you need to listen to him.

She’s 25, not 18. She either finds a second job or takes the offer of your money for rent. She can’t demand to move back in. Adult children moving back home can cause chaos and upset. I really feel for your DH, as he probably wants peace and quiet, not upheaval.

I am her age and have a child, and I know that if something went wrong with my living situation and I needed help me and my son could move in with my parents. If my dad said no (he wouldn’t) my mum would kick him out no question. We put our children first in my family even when they are adults. It’s bizarre to me that you wouldn’t support your daughter when she needs you. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t want much of a relationship with you after this.

I wanted to do that at 25 too. Except I broke up with said boyfriend before we ever got that point.

So it's not "silly". She has no idea what will be going on in 12 months time.

I’m not little. But I’d be aghast if my parents said no. Home isn’t just for little people when there’s a need for it.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

Having read OP's update above, you're calling her DH an arse? A dying man, in pain, living in a small house, who wants peace and quiet and not his wilful, difficult daughter moving back in?!

Team DH here, all the way.

He's not refusing to help her, he just wants to spend his remaining days in peace.

I’m so thankful for my parents who have had me back home twice as an adult and I know would have me and my children if ever required. And when my children have grown up they will always have a home with me

Are you going to serve your 'D'H notice? What an utter heartless bellend. Your poor DD.

There is no way I would ever say no to my children coming home.

Your husband is the problem here. Bastard.

Even if they paid your rent elsewhere, you had been involved with the police, and your dad had a life limiting illness?

I may well not take back a daughter who brought the police to my door and was horrific to live with when she was younger, even if they were much much nicer now. It seems like it's working so much better with her moving out and getting a good job and I wouldn't want to jeopardise that. I think offering to pay the rent increase is very generous and would leave her in the same position she is in now.

Plus she's not undergone a personality transplant, I'm not sure I'd want her and her boyfriend living there for a year. A short time to get back on their feet yes, but for a longer-term, year or more, it might not work out at all and then what will you do?

I would let her move back home having set some very firm boundaries in place first. If she doesn't want to go along with them then she's effectively ruling out living with you. If she can manage to respect your wishes it would be the most effective way for her to save

Yeah, what a dickhead - he's terminally ill and doesn't want his daughter who's argumentative, difficult to live with and who has previously had police involvement to be back living at home.

I'm with the ones that say they would let there children back no matter what age