Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

As the old saying goes, she didn't ask to be born. Wherever I am is home to my children whenever they need it, I would never refuse a request like that especially as it's not for good and only long enough for her to save for a deposit, it's a kick in the teeth.

When I was in my mid-teens, my parents had a rough patch and my mother (who would have been late 30s) moved back in with her widowed mother.

My mom had been the financial support of her mother and two younger sisters from age 17 onward; worked as a secretary and worked in pubs at night, while her mother got on her feet in a retail job after being widowed. My mum did without going to uni so that she could work. So did her other sister. (there was a big gap between the two eldest and two youngest).

The two youngest never knew the poverty (literally, hungry, often no food in the house) and privation that the older ones had experienced (even when alive, their father was an alcoholic waster). It was due to my mother's ambition and salary that they had nice clothing for school, money for activities and even once she took them on a modest holiday to the Lakes.

Even after marriage, mum continued to help out her mother. But when she asked to move back for a while, her younger sisters disparaged her, called her a user, told her she was taking advantage (keep in mind they still lived at home despite being in their mid-20s!) and otherwise made her unwelcome. Her mother was mealy-mouthed, just sat there listening to them and wouldn't take my mum's side.

I did not know of this till years later, but my mother moved back home with us and never saw or mentioned her own mother again, nor did we. Basically that entire side of the family was cut off from when I was 15. At the time I asked my da why and he was vague but (despite the marital issues, and despite him being a quiet, non-drama sort of man) said "If I were your mother I'd have told them to go to hell and never looked back." Which basically she did.

I don't blame her. Apparently the youngest sister showed up years later at a funeral of an old family friend and literally got on her knees at the mortuary and begged my mother to relent; my mum just got up and left without a word, according to a report I got from the family of the deceased.

She was justified but there is no denying that the rift cut me and my sister off from aunts, cousins and our grandmother, who apparently died about 20 years ago, right before my own mum died. And it created a big black hole of things we couldn't talk or reminisce about as a family, like the fun Christmases and such that happened before the estrangement.

Think carefully.

@Chris002

You say she has been given notice that rent is going up by 15% - does this mean 15% in total or 15% each flat mate

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣 That's exactly the same thing, mate!

And what happens if she's still not in a position to leave in a years' time? Is he meant to have her living there forever?

@CharlotteRumpling Mine are adults. HTH

I must admit I don’t get this view that the Ops house is the daughter’s home too. She’s 25, of course it’s not. I would never consider myself as anything other than a guest in my mums home - I’m a grown adult!
My view aside though - the husband is older and ill/in pain, the daughter is ‘difficult to live with’, and the house is small… I can understand husbands reticence tbh!

Why though? Why not? I moved back home at 26 and lived there until I was 29 when I bought a house with my then boyfriend (now husband). I paid them rent but lower than I would have if I’d been elsewhere. My parents love me and want to support me. I can’t imagine parents not wanting to do this for their children but I guess everyone has a different dynamic in their family.

Because she's a woman

I moved back home at 26 after a breakup and when I could no longer afford things in London. It not only enabled me to buy my first home (outside london and with a friend) but also to save enough to fund part time study later. I then retrained and made a successful career change that eventually led to much better earnings as well. Obviously every family is different but I will always be grateful that my mum (on her own) let me live in her little 2-up 2-down with her. I did behave myself and was a good house guest though.

RTFT FFS the poor bloke is dying

As I said on the other thread, I am Asian and now the whole world is turning Asian with the new multi-generational living! It's so strange to me, given I was obsessed with living on my own. DD too would prefer to live on her own but we shall have to see.

But he is offering to support her - by contributing to her rent elsewhere.

Out of interest, at what age do you think adults should be independent and not living at home with mum and dad?

Last year we as a family or 4 with 1 on the way had a house fire and my fiancées mum and dad put us up for 6 months. In which time we became 5. She didn't even think twice and my father in law didn't either. They wouldn't have seen us be put in a hotel for months on end. I feel sorry for your daughter, it will be devastating for her to learn her own father feels this way about her, she will feel like such a burden. My children will always be welcome back at my door. Life's hard as it is, then throw in the cost of living crisis and unsupportive parents, sheesh.

I can see both sides of this. I can understand why you would want your daughter to feel she will always have the option to live with you if things get difficult, and why you would want to support her. On the other hand, I can also see your husband's POV that he doesn't want her to use your support as a crutch when it impacts his own quality of life. And if he has pain issues, those can sometimes make someone be on a hair trigger for stress - they are already dipping into their emotional reserves to get through every day and then you add another stressor and it feels like you're going to implode under the pressure.

I think the thing is here that your daughter is not in a dire emergency. She does have other options for working out her living conditions, she just prefers to live with you temporarily so she can save money and not have to live with strangers. I don't think this is really enough of an emergency to overrule your husband's wishes on this, if you see what I mean.

Or the other alternative is to dig deeper into his motivations and see if there is a way to bring him around. Maybe she can agree to take over more chores or not make a mess in the bathroom, or in some other way ensure that if she moves back home, she is not stepping on his toes too much.

I am not sure why I am getting a slow handcap.

Dd was awful to live with when she was younger. She was vile to us both at times in terms of what she said and how she treated our house. She was in the most terrible relationship for a while that had police involvement. She showed no liking or respect for us - constant criticism. But she has grown up. I don't want to concentrate on how she was - she has changed but it did affect both our relationships with her for a while.

Please - I am asking for advice and support. I really don't need a slow handcap because I am not responding to everything in the way some people would like, in the timeframe that people would like. Thank you to everyone who has posted their thoughts and ideas, I will return to this thread when I feel able to.

Agree

Just details, apparently. 🤷

Please let your daughter come home to give her the opportunity to save. My adult children returned after uni and again when waiting for a move. It’s a safety net children need.

Hmm, I would say to her that she needs to change her ways and one strike and she is out. Set out exactly what made her difficult to live with before to her and tell her that she can't do any of that or she is out. So if she likes things done her way, tough shit quite frankly. 25 is pretty old to be honest and she can afford to live somewhere, especially if you sub her, she would just prefer to live at home and save.

But he is being supportive. He is offering to help pay her rent so that she can continue to live independently. Lots of parents would never be so generous.

Also, with respect, there's a big difference between someone losing their home to a fire and someone who just doesn't seem to want to find another houseshare and would rather run back home to her parents.

I moved back home when I was 25 for one year following a relationship break down. I think it was one of the best years of my life. I’m nearly fifty now and both my parents are no longer alive and I’m so glad I had a lovely year where I was polite and grateful (and not a moody teenager) and enjoyed my parents’ company very much. I didn’t really need any emotional support, but they did help practically.

I did contribute to my upkeep, but probably not enough and I absolutely did not save a dime.

Our grown-up DCs will always be able to come and live with us again if they need or want to. My eldest does this because he works abroad for 6 months every year and when he is in the UK he works locally to where we live (and where he grew up). Also currently have the youngest, who's the same age as your DD @worriedmum64, and her newborn staying with us.

Fortunately DH thinks the same as I do - if anything he is even more adamant that our DCs will always be welcome. Last year DH had a life-threatening condition - hopefully not life-limiting following a series of operations, but he was very, very seriously ill for many months. DCs were still welcome.

Having some house rules is fine, but I'd be quite disappointed if my DH took the same approach as yours has.

What a silly comment. Her daughter wants to move back in so she can save to buy a flat with her boyfriend. Of course she won’t be there forever.

In your situation I would want to let my daughter come back home and I would be shocked if her dad didn't. You have said you would offer financial help for her to live elsewhere so it seems you wouldn't need the money for rent from her. In your situation, as well as ground rules I would try to compromise with your DH in this way. Get him to agree that she comes home providing she hands over to your keeping the same rent she had in London. That way you could save it for her with a view to her having the money to leave asap.At the prices she may have been paying in London for rent this should mount up pretty quickly. You could always take a token amount for rent I'd that would sit better with you and DH but insist she hansa over to you the rest of London rent for savings. Too often adult kids come home, don't save as they intended to and fritter what they could have saved away, ending up living at home for years. If you did this might it reduce the time she needed to stay with you and make her dad a bit happier about it?