coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

I really feel for everyone on this thread. I had never expected the empty nest thing to be so complex. I also switch between boredom of meal planning and cooking when ds is with me, to feeling lost when he's not. I'm drinking too much which isn't helping. Feel like I want to hibernate.

Sounds like conversations with DHs are needed. I found it almost lonelier when I was with ex but we lived separate lives, than being on my own.

Zero motivation today.

SarahC50 absolutely agree!!!!

I have said to my dh;there is nothing to look forward to.

It is like I have gone from busy to nothing overnight ☹️

Ds is still @ home, studying for GCSEs, however he is very 'teenage' in behaviour.

I mentioned to dh today about the future and all he said was we have to get him through GCSEs and then A'Levels. He does not see what I mean.

Just celebrated 20 yrs of marriage and nothing special to mark it (nice gift) but no celebration as such.

I am sooooo bored 🥱

And lonely 😩

I really feel for you. I have a very dysfunctional birth family and am very low contact. Siblings are hopeless. I’ve moved a lot in my life so friendships have often not lasted the distance. The only friend I have living locally has become seriously strange. I just feel I have no one and nothing. I worry a lot about OH dying and illness as we get older. The future just seems to bleak. Hobbies aren’t enough. They just stop me completely losing it.
I am also drinking too much but can’t seem to do anything about it.

I long for a close loving happy family as I didn’t have one growing up. That’s all I really want.

How is everyone doing? I've come to the conclusion to say yes to as many invitations as I can!

@longpathtohappiness that sounds a plan. I'm stuck in a rut and feel I have no purpose. I hate cooking for just me and DH it seems so pointless. I miss the kids terribly now they are at uni but when I do see them my DD is so difficult.

I'm currently in my bedroom sulking. Just had another fight with DH over bloody mil. I swear in 30 years he's not listened to a word I've said to him about it then acts surprised when I state my feelings for the millionth time. I just feel so done and weary.

How are others feeling this week?Much love to everyone xx

I feel the same about cooking for two. We have stopped eating at the table and live on very simplified meals now! The house is just a house, not a home and I feel very sad about it. My DD is also very difficult when she comes back . She was living with us during lockdown and it was a very unhappy and difficult time for her. I feel like I’ve lost her really .
The problem is also that we have got used to our pared down life in some ways and it’s a struggle when anyone stays with us now. Even family. I feel like I’m losing out on all fronts.

I hate cooking full stop now and would happily live on beans on toast. I am trying to do more and go out more.

@Writingonthewalls I hear you. I can't be bothered cooking or I make something and it's far far too much as I'm used to making family sized portions.

I feel for you with your DD mine is 19 but I think due to lockdown is really immature. I'm getting all the atmospheres and moods now instead of at 16. I had a very trying summer with her home for uni. I love her so much but she can't tolerate me at all. It's horrible isn't it.

Yes I loathe people staying now and generating work for me. Laundry,cooking,cleaning,dishes. Feel like a workhorse that is the discarded.

I don't know how to get my mojo back. I'm 52 I could have 30 years of life left. I need to get used to it and start enjoying things x

SarahC50 my DD is 21 and I still get all the moods!! Meanwhile DH is still sitting on the sofa and sleeping, sigh. I'm getting so used to now it's not even winding me up anymore 😕 I know what you mean about losing out on all fronts, mine doesn't want to do anything (other than dose on the sofa). I'm consciously trying to carve out a life of my own, who knew that aqua aerobics would be the highlight of my week!!

Totally agree with being bored of cooking. On the weeks my ds isnt herr I pretty much live on stuff from the freezer and yellow stickered pre prepped/ready meals...
Another week of wiping myself out with work, coming home, collapsing and drinking wine.
Def turning/turned into a grumpy woman - even Christmas is making me think "more work"...

I have been thinking today that I need to make some new friends as mine have started to fall by the wayside since turning 50. ☹️

My DS said today I should have made more effort 😳

How do you make friends at my age?

I think I need to start making a life for me, one DC has moved to Uni and the last one will be going in three years.

DH does not seem to care 😩

YY to cooking - I cba at all now. Still have the teen to cook for but he’d be happy with pizza every night so not sure why I bother really. House is definitely not cleaned as much these days - it’s not manky but it’s not spotless either.

@everythingisgoingup I got a dog! I work hybrid as does DH so between us and day care he has someone at home with him. I joined some dog walking groups and I now have 4 brilliant new friends who I go dog walking with and we’re starting to do more social things. Keeps me fit too.

SirChenjins YY I've got a dog too. Met loads of people but not found any groups 😕

sorely tempted to get a dog actually.

@Writingonthewalls I have 2 dogs, I'm not in any groups but I love walking them.

Have you looked on Facebook? I searched for my town or region plus dog a few came up - there are regular posts from women looking for dog walking buddies. I contacted one and met her at a local park, and then the three others in our gang contacted her too. It’s been great. There are also some organised breed group walks but I’ve not been on any yet.

Try meet-up as well or Next Door

Feeling really low today. Suspect, well I know, I'm drinking too much.

I’m sorry @colouringindoors . I’ve had a really bad day too. Awful weather, feeling cold all the time, no energy. Life just feels shit. I’m getting very anxious about Xmas too as it’s all up to me to make it marvellous for everyone else.

Making it marvellous for everyone else strikes a chord with me too. I do everything. Dh writes 2 cards and makes a big deal of that. I work in retail and pick things up as i go along. I yearn for someone to do it for me.

I want to be mothered, looked after, cosseted. Its been so long I've forgotten. In fact i don't know if I've ever felt the way i want to feel. Maybe thats why I'm always chasing it.

Oh SSD you are so right ☹️

Caring has been a full time job I have forgotten who/what I want!

Oh ssd I wish I could give you a hug. I also long to be cared for. Doesn't have to be much but a little bit of tlc would go a long way...

thanks @Writingonthewalls sorry to hear you're struggling too. I'm wishing I didn't have to do Christmas at all tbh. It's complicated by a weird ex and mum with dementia...

I honestly think the way to get through this is to mother ourselves. Some women are really good at self care and I keep meaning to copy them. Just this morning I looked at my exhausted face and thought: I need a facial. Even if I can;t justify a salon one, I'm going to pick up some good face masks and get out the old steamer used for DC's colds when little, and find a gentle exfoliant.

I'm going to start buying really soft cosy sweater and scarves, thick socks, good boots. Make sure that there's a small stock of up to date medicines and supplements I regularly need or want.

We all deserve to spend an hour a day - broken into 20 minute sections if need ed, on ourselves, whether that's yoga, meditation, online affirmations, journalling, a long hot bath with nurturing oils and salts and an uplifting book - anything where we can focus on our own physical and emotional needs - notice them and respond kindly to them.

Way easier said than done, but better than just wanting something that won't come.

@TotalOverhaul
I think you are absolutely right.