coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

I looked in the mirror this morning snd thought I look tired 😩

Going away tomorrow to see DC but want to lie in bed for four days in peace and quiet 😂

How is everyone doing. I'm adapting to my empty nest with less laundry and cooking but it is so quiet. Looking at old photos and I can't shift the mindset that the best of my life is over. It is so negative and I need to change it as I might live another thirty years, I'm 52.

Sex life dwindling and I swear everyday my face ages more and my chin grows more wiry hairs. I think the answer is to just not look in the mirror and definitely avoid looking down onto my phone for a video call, horrific!

Now the kids are out of school and various sports/dancing a number of friendships have fallen away probably lack of effort on both sides.

One positive is I've started an adult ballet class that I enjoy and a fab Zumba class. Very hard to drag myself out in the cold dark nights,I live in northern highlands, but once out I do enjoy it. Has anyone else any small positives x

I'm feeling really down as one DC was due to come home for xmas and we have had a row so told them not to come. I'm relieved in some ways and just so incredibly sad in others. I feel devastated, and yes, so uncared for. I just feel that everything in my life is just so shit.

I wish there was a way we could all meet up. Just so incredibly lonely

@Writingonthewalls oh I'm sorry, that sounds really tough x.

God, how you all resonate with me! I’m 20-odd years further down the road than you and my life is dull. DH sits sleeping on the settee or glued to his phone (don’t ask what he’s watching), how I long for affection and attention!
I honestly wish I’d made changes many years ago, the thought of doing it now when it’s me who would lose out big time, stops me from doing it.
Hugs to you all 🤗

This sounds so sad. I think the only answer is just to get out and do your own thing. Leave him to his phone and perhaps he might look up and notice you aren’t there.

This is what female friends are for op. Get out there. Join some clubs. Stop wallowing.

Following. A dog does help get me out as I too relate to all said. I’m a little stressed and lonely today and this thread helps, thank you for it 😀🌺

I really think we need to just DO stuff. I was listening to some self-help guru yesterday and he said something that really stopped me in my tracks as I'd never heard it before. he said most people never achieve what they want to do with their lives because they go around solving problems instead of creating.

I was so taken aback. That's me. Trailing around after DC and DH, solving any issues that occur. Using all my energy and time on their emotional crises, academic issues, housing problems etc etc. instead of letting them sort all that stuff for themselves. Even here on MN I trawl the messages for ones where I might have some advice that could come in handy. This self-help man was really scathing of that way of living. He said, 'Stop problem-solving. Instead, make something. Do something. Create something. Don't try to solve the problem of your weight/health/marriage/mental attitude first either. Just DO.

What do you all think of that? It really shook me up.

Also, even though we don't have loads of spare money, I've started spending it. Booking tickets to gigs, concerts, shows. It gives me plenty to look forward to, and since I work from home and have no dog, if I didn;t do this, I could go for weeks in winter without leaving the house!

Love to you all, this thread is lovely and kind and supportive. Please don't respond to the "wallowing" comment from that unkind poster.

Christmas always puts a magnifying glass on family relationships doesn't it. The huge pressure is on us as mothers to make sure everyone has a fabulous time. It is exhausting.

I wish we all could meet up too.

I think it is a huge transition from 20 years of parenting to suddenly they are away. I totally get the solving problems that is all women do constantly for husbands and children. I never thought of creating instead.

Hope everyone has a nice Sunday xx

I feel for us all too. I wish it was easier. I don't know what it was like for my mum, nothing seemed to bother her. I'm the opposite, every last bloody thing annoys me. Dh especially. Why does he leave the shower window open when its freezing outside and the heating is on?? I could see people maybe being more relaxed but we're a low income family and money is bloody tight. I do all the finances and hes like a housewife married to someone who sorts it all out for her. Why does he just look after his needs and not bother with the rest of the world?? I would bloody love to be like him. He just sails through life and im the angry/resentful/anxious one. Im fed up with it. And dont say leave him to it. My energy bills would be sky high and we're just getting by as it is. Why doesn't he bloody think???

@TotalOverhaul, I'm so jaded i thought 'bet that bastard has a woman trailing after him sorting it all for him so he can do his own thing in peace'

I get what hes saying but find it almost impossible to do.

Oh God that made me laugh . Mine is exactly the same.

FFS. So after me moaning at dh for leaving the bathroom window wide open, i close it. Ds comes in from the gym and has a loooong shower, with the window still shut of course. No extractor fan in there. The condensation is dripping from the ceiling, pools of water on the ledges.

I fucking give up. Id take to drink but anything more than one small sweet sherry gives me a hangover for 2 days. I've turned into Emily Bishop.

I have 3 dogs and have never felt the empty nest syndrome, although two of them were my daughters. I’m home all day, can’t work due to M.S. The dogs are my personal trainers, if I need a cuddle they’re always there, even just stroking them is good for me.

My husband is busy with work and sport, but because I have the company of the dogs I really don’t notice it that much.

I am menopausal too, but HRT is a godsend, estrogen make’s such a difference, so does the testosterone. I feel like me again and can cope with most shit that life throws at me. Without the HRT I know I wouldn’t be coping nearly as well as I am doing 🤗

@ssd I hear you. Nothing fazes my husband he's very laid back. Doesn't lie awake catastrophising and overanalyzing like I do every night.
Yes to the children having looong showers FFS ours is an electric shower I knock on the door every time!

I think its a weary worn out feeling. I feel jaded and done. Don't feel excited by anything really.

I already have a dog and hobbies it just doesn't feel enough.

@Snippit Im glad the hrt has helped xc

Funnily enough, i tried hrt patches and omg the first couple of months were a revelation. I turned into my dh. Nothing bothered me. I totally understood the world from his point of view. It was incredible. Then it started to wain and i was offered double the hrt. But i didn't like the side effects and didn't fancy doubling them up so i quit it. I dont miss it but i do know there's something missing in me that allows me to be like dh.

LOL. That didn't occur to me. And you are probably right! That's how come he doesn't need to problem solve. Leave it to women others. But to be fair, part of what he was saying was: don't try to 'fix' yourself before you get on and do what you want to do. You don't have to be slim/in perfect mental health/have ADHD meds/ loads of savings for financial security etc. You just have to choose one thing you really want to do and crack on with it, because it will give you massive satisfaction - far more than all the problem solving which he said was a kind of procrastination.

He's not necessarily right - certainly not for everyone, and he was a bit of a plonker salesman type, but it still made me pause and reflect and there was some truth in it, for me.

I have to say though, it’s essential to open the window if there is no extractor. We are in the same situation.

I just think the world has become a very different place in the last decade or so. Smart phones, economic instability, Brexit, Covid, useless politicians and constant never ending catastrophic news events that are hyped up to the max. ‘Woke’ culture and thought speak. Many people working from home so isolated from colleagues and creating stress for themselves and their families.
No access to GPS and shockingly bad healthcare.

The strain of all this impacts everyone and is often mostly shouldered by women I feel.

Yep. 13 years of useless self serving tory bastards haven't helped.
Everything has been decimated whilst them and their pals have got richer.

Could not agree more.

Can I join? Only just found this thread but it really resonates with me.
Both dc left home. Eldest feels so disinterested and too busy for me. Youngest I'm much closer to thankfully but also busy and a bit intolerant. They both live 5 minutes away and I naively envisaged them dropping in for a chat or a cuppa and me to them but sadly I was clearly deluded! They are both flying high and I'm so, so proud of them but do feel a bit discarded.
No one tells you about this stage do they!

No they really don’t. I just wish all the time I had appreciated it all more when they were all home. I would give anything to rewind time.