coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

I'm so sorry. I would feel the same. DS loved cadets and the army seriously appealed to him for a time. I absolutely begged him not to join. have you spoken to him about it? Normally I'd say don't interfere with choices an adult child makes in life, but a career which involves a genuine risk of threat to life is different - his own, his friends', a stranger's death on his conscience, or permanent injury or PTSD - I think they just don't think this through when they are young and it's not unreasonable to speak out about your concerns.

vjg13 he wanted to join the marines when he was younger and his College course after GCSE was about uniformed roles. While at College he decided he wanted to try the Police instead, he has applied twice but not got in. He has a job working in the local pub and getting a bit fed up with that, so googled driving jobs and the army came up! Although he has been thinking about a job along the uniformed roles for a while, he hasn't thought it through, but I've got to let him go to the interview and decide for himself.

ssd cried on DHs shoulder and he said i needed counselling - grrr

Millybob not heard of Exodus or Explore but will google - at the moment I'm filling my evenings doing my own thing. Havent really started doing my own thing to much at weekends, I am trying to break DH in gently so he doesn't realise, ha ha ! Not considered OU but I'm only qualified up to CSE so not sure I'm up to it...

TotalOverhaul DH will have a go at me if I say anything. I'll talk to DS when DH is out (DH had a go at me for cuddling DC when they were little!!. Firstly that's what you do with your own young children and secondly they actually came to me for a cuddle)

Been there. done that - I joined a couple of groups (very daunting to go alone, but I managed), and started going to aqua aerobics a couple of times a week, where I got to know a few regulars. I see a friend once a week, for lunch.

Have you got hobbies? Friends?

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp yes I do to several things on my own. Feeling a bit happier this week, I'm sure it is menopause related too. Told DH it would good to spend some time together as I feel like his housemate rather than his wife. I realise that he and I don't want to do the same things that we did in our 20s but I'm not ready for pipe and slippers yet (and told him so!!)

Please can I join

One dc left for uni this year

Other dc teen doing GCSEs

Feeling lonely and not wanted/needed

I feel a bit lonely tonight, its horrible isn't it

Good for you telling him @longpathtohappiness

Mine comes in waves

Doing ok all week but not today you ssd?

It sort of comes in waves too. Ds talking about when he moves out next yr too. Just me and dh left. I have no family. Its just sad.

Do you have other things ssd, job, friends?

All this talk of its your time. Get a hobby etc etc. I dont want a hobby, im late 50s i have stuff to do. What i want i cant have, a big extended living family to emphasise and make up for the ds's leaving. Instead of a big empty space. I have siblings but am nc due to needing to protect my mental health. It would be easier if id been an only child, i wouldn't be looking for something that isnt there then.

ssd I am an only child, not easier just different!

How many children?

Sorry @everythingisgoingup , i didn't see your last post, that wasn't trying to be a snippy post to you.

2 great kids thanks

I think it is a big change, parenting happens over so many years it is difficult to adjust to the change.

I could have written this post :(

I think this whole living as a coiple actually doesn’t work for most women once the children have moved ok. It’s all so unnatural. Women need a lot of chat and men seem to need a lot of snoozing.

Can I join too please? Dd went off to uni in Sept. I miss her company but she's struggling at university and calling/texting loads and I'm becoming less patient. Ds with me every other week. Working nearly f/t and finding it exhausting. Sat alone on a Saturday night as per usual. Feels bleak.

Agree with these posts Totally

Is anyone else finding their relationship with the dh/p a bit challenging at the moment? DH is 7 years older than me and seems to be perpetually grumpy - everything and everyone annoys him. Doesn’t want to do anything at the weekends because he has “stuff to do” - which seems to consist of watching sport on the TV and poring over our budget spreadsheets complaining about how much money we’re spending (we don’t, it’s just the cost of living in 2023). We both work f/t so it would be nice to do things together at the weekend - especially things he’s suggested rather than me having to.

I’m just looking for some solidarity here - no ltb thanks.

I suppose im lucky dh still wants to do stuff but i think this is the result of me crying my eyes out a few years ago and telling him how lonely i felt in a family full of males who just want to watch and talk football.

Could you have an honest row discussion @SirChenjins ?

Its just so hard sometimes. The poster below who said women like to chat and men like to snooze wasn't kidding.

I think a serious row/discussion is needed - I have raised it with him but it just reverts to the same old, same old. DD is moving out soon and it’s just going to be me, grumpy DH and teenage DS who’s lovely but only interested in football and his Xbox. Thank goodness for work and friends.

Yes and we had a MASSIVE row on holiday about it. I said, without being dramatic, that I was seriously considering my options because I had no intention of spending the next twenty years living like this. And I don't. I'll happily stay with DH for his numerous good points and because I love him, if we have a relationship. But if he just grunts, watches wall to wall sport at weekends and can't hear me speak because of my ladyvoice we won't last another 5 years.

To be fair to him, we do things together, often (recent shift in behaviour) instigated by him - theatres, concerts, exhibitions, walks etc - and I love all that.

I've just read this whole thread and I'm sitting in tears. I have found my women and you all sound amazing. What a lovely supportive thread.

I'm 52, both kids are at uni and myself and my DH are over in the city visiting them. I struggle to relate to them they are so sneery of me and DH. Yesterday at lunch I swear my DD rolled her eyes 20 times at me.

Does anyone worry that the best times of their life is over, as in having a lovely,bustling full family life? I am struggling to find purpose and things to look forward to. I guess it's adjusting to change as for 20years the children and parenting has come first.

Thankyou for starting this supportive thread where we can post honestly xx

I sort of flip between loving the odd day to myself and resenting the never ending food shopping/planning/cooking , and bursts of utter dread when i realise next year it'll just be me and dh and all the shopping and planning will be over and there's no one left to care for. I mean mother, every day, even though ds is out and about all the time, he still lives here and comes home and the fridge is full of his food and the basket is full of his washing and as much as i moan about it when he moves out and its gone i honestly have no idea what i will do with myself. I really have no idea.