Page 7 | coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

longpathtohappiness · 2023-08-07T09:43:03+00:00

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping! I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Writingonthewalls · 06/10/2023 23:05

longpathtohappiness · 06/10/2023 17:05

Would love a support thread. DH has been away for a few days and for the first time in our marriage I didn't miss him. Is that awful? He has rolled in from work tonight and had a go at me for nothing. Had a light bulb moment this week and decided that I'm only going to look after myself and DC now as he doesn't care about me

This has been happening to me too. Husband goes away and all I feel is overwhelming relief. I’m surprised. I love him but I’ve realised I feel very suffocated by him . I long for peace and quiet above all else. He really stresses me out because I either need to direct him or I find him very irritating.

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 07/10/2023 07:59

Writingonthewalls when DH is not at work, talking about work, having a go at me for something trivial, he is asleep. Used to irrate me but now I am grateful for the peace. My love for him is dwindling every day, it scares me when I think of the future with him when DC have gone so I'm trying not to think about it which is easier said than done

OP posts:

vjg13 · 07/10/2023 08:41

@Highlighta Hope you are feeling a bit better and the dog is behaving himself!

TotalOverhaul · 07/10/2023 10:30

I too would be up for a support thread. I posted a couple of months ago suggesting one and got not a single reply, as sometimes happens on MN. I felt so billy-no-mates and like the only empty-nest struggler and shuffled off feeling sorry for myself. But sounds like there are a few of us in the same boat.

igivein · 07/10/2023 10:43

A support thread would be good. My DS will hopefully be off to uni next year, then it will be just me and ‘d’h rattling round at home. He’s so self-absorbed I don’t think he’s noticed we don’t have any sort of marriage anymore. We don’t argue - we don’t anything! It’s like we’re in a house share.
Once DS is gone I don’t know whether to sell up and split up or just carry on as we are. We’ve been together over 30 years and I don’t think I even know who I am as an individual anymore, but I do wonder if it might be interesting to find out, or whether I’d just be condemning myself to a poorer and lonelier old age.

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 07/10/2023 11:27

igivein snap my DH is self absorbed too, exactly how it feels, a houseshare. I'm trying not to think about when DC are gone

OP posts:

TotalOverhaul · 07/10/2023 14:33

igivein · 07/10/2023 10:43

A support thread would be good. My DS will hopefully be off to uni next year, then it will be just me and ‘d’h rattling round at home. He’s so self-absorbed I don’t think he’s noticed we don’t have any sort of marriage anymore. We don’t argue - we don’t anything! It’s like we’re in a house share.
Once DS is gone I don’t know whether to sell up and split up or just carry on as we are. We’ve been together over 30 years and I don’t think I even know who I am as an individual anymore, but I do wonder if it might be interesting to find out, or whether I’d just be condemning myself to a poorer and lonelier old age.

I think a lot of us feel like this.

To be fair to DH, I do have a good relationship with him and he makes an effort. We are off on holiday together, we go to see shows together at least once a month. But in between times, he zones out. Yet another gorgeous sunny weekend when I;d love to go for a long hike but he wants to watch footie and I need to sort my head out and join a walking group then leave him to his own devices at weekends.

ssd · 07/10/2023 15:16

I'd love a support thread, I'm enjoying reading about everyone's experiences and nodding my head along.

SirChenjins · 07/10/2023 17:22

TotalOverhaul · 07/10/2023 10:30

I too would be up for a support thread. I posted a couple of months ago suggesting one and got not a single reply, as sometimes happens on MN. I felt so billy-no-mates and like the only empty-nest struggler and shuffled off feeling sorry for myself. But sounds like there are a few of us in the same boat.

I didn’t see that or I definitely would have joined 😊

I’ve also got an absent husband in the house. We do get on well but it feels like a bit of a battle to get him to do much - we both work f/t and between that, ferrying our teenage son to various things and dealing with house/dog stuff it’s pretty full on. Id like to do more at the weekend but he’s always got “stuff to sort out” so I tend to arrange things with my friends to get out of the house. It’s all a bit meh - I feel like we’re just existing really.

Writingonthewalls · 07/10/2023 21:33

TotalOverhaul · 07/10/2023 10:30

I too would be up for a support thread. I posted a couple of months ago suggesting one and got not a single reply, as sometimes happens on MN. I felt so billy-no-mates and like the only empty-nest struggler and shuffled off feeling sorry for myself. But sounds like there are a few of us in the same boat.

Oh dear! I would definitely have joined too. I’ve often had that experience of posting and not receiving a single reply. It’s very demotivating.

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 08/10/2023 07:52

wow so many of us feeling the same way. I'll keep my location vague by saying Oxfordshire

OP posts:

NohusbandThankfully · 08/10/2023 10:57

I’d like to join too, please. Username gives some of my situation, I’m menopausal too and coming up to an empty nest in the next year. One DC at uni, the second starting next year or maybe the year after, she’s not sure right now.

I’ve just been reading the thread and am struck by how many of you appear very ambivalent or even unhappy in your marriages. In that context I feel really fortunate not to have such a situation. Somewhere here a poster has said that the choice for her is to stick with it or face a poor and lonely old age. Just putting it out there that I don’t see my future this way at all, not meaning that I am well off - very far from it - but this isn’t how I feel at all. It’s a time for me to build on existing friendships and make new ones, continue doing more of what I love (walking, pottery, films) and finding new activities. Are any of you able to end your marriages if you are feeling so bored by them?

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 08/10/2023 11:12

NohusbandThankfully at the moment, I'm doing the best of both worlds. Doing all the activities I enjoy plus some new ones while having a husband. Not ideal, I know but hey ho

OP posts:

DuvetDayPleasee · 09/10/2023 21:37

I’d like to join in too please. I have no friends currently, am married and whilst it’s ok ish I’m going through the menopause and struggling so get along with DD who can be challenging in her own way.

DuvetDayPleasee · 09/10/2023 21:39

I always thought I’d be close to my two kids but one of them lives away and rarely contacts. If I contact I’m left feeling like I’m bothering them. It can be hard emotionally as it’s like I’m not needed anymore. ☹️

crew2022 · 14/10/2023 20:38

I would like to join. It's very lonely

Writingonthewalls · 14/10/2023 20:40

DuvetDayPleasee · 09/10/2023 21:39

I always thought I’d be close to my two kids but one of them lives away and rarely contacts. If I contact I’m left feeling like I’m bothering them. It can be hard emotionally as it’s like I’m not needed anymore. ☹️

I’m in this situation too. It’s horrible.

ssd · 16/10/2023 19:27

How are we all doing?

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 17/10/2023 14:39

ssd I couldn't stop crying last Sunday, DS has an interview to join the army. I'm a hyper worrier in any case let alone this. Meanwhile DH just sleeps

OP posts:

DuvetDayPleasee · 17/10/2023 16:42

@Writingonthewalls I'm sorry you can relate. It's tough isn't it.

DuvetDayPleasee · 17/10/2023 16:45

The younger one has had come back from her partners (she stays there here and there in between Uni). They've both had tattoos done over the weekend. I have to pretend all is ok when I hate the look of the one on her arm! She's already got another tattoo so it's not like I've not been through before.
The older one hasn't bothered to text (no surprise) and he never does, well only very very occasionally.
That said, they're both doing ok so hey ho.

Original poster

longpathtohappiness · 17/10/2023 17:04

DuvetDayPleasee finding this stage so much harder than I realised. My heart is literally breaking and DH no support whatsoever

OP posts:

vjg13 · 17/10/2023 18:21

@longpathtohappiness That sounds really hard, is it a career your son has been considering for a while?

ssd · 17/10/2023 19:42

longpathtohappiness · 17/10/2023 14:39

ssd I couldn't stop crying last Sunday, DS has an interview to join the army. I'm a hyper worrier in any case let alone this. Meanwhile DH just sleeps

I can totally understand your worries, I'd be exactly the same. Why do the men never worry!!

Millybob · 17/10/2023 20:03

You - literally - need to get yourself a life that's your own. You have money of your own so could you book an adventurous trip with a group, something like Explore or Exodus - and leave Ripvanwinkle on the sofa? Don't ask permission or discuss it - just do it. I think you'd find stimulation in a group and it would help you rediscover who you are. No doubt this would shake snoring husband to the core - but that's his problem. Even a weekend somewhere interesting would give you a boost. And if you're close to Oxford, there must be any number of courses and events happening around the university. How about doing Open University? All you need is a kickstart - if husband wakes up one day and finds you've outgrown him, that's his problem.