coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Ah I'm on the app which explains why I can't see it! I was thinking I was being dense 😬
Thank you though, I'll look when I go onto the website instead!

Tears and panic attack again this morning. DH is getting more and more grumpy. Not sure I can cope 😕

Would you consider leaving him @longpathtohappiness as I know you work full time? I don't think he will change.

@longpathtohappiness you need to make changes as you’ve been saying this for a long time …

Yeah I know, I can't leave him I have 3 kids with him.

@longpathtohappiness , what do you think thats achievable that would help you? If leaving dh is a step too far just now, what do you think would help build your self esteem?

Yes you can. People do it all the time.

I'm estranged from my father, I can't do that to my kids

@longpathtohappiness
Would you and your husband consider chatting to a third party and hopefully improving communication?

Your kids can still have a nice relationship with their dad. They aren't you, you have to remember that. Couples split all the time and the kids are ok.

I've just found this thread and it's come at the right time (sorry to hear your sadness OP). In the last month or so I've just started to realise that in a year's time my DD will be preparing to leave for uni and it'll just be me and DH! He works long hours and I know I'll be lonely as we live away from family and friends (due to his work). The children have been my life. I'm taking inspiration from this thread and going to try and work on myself. Although motivation is low (peri menopause...).

I've just started to realise that in a year's time my DD will be preparing to leave for uni and it'll just be me and DH! He works long hours and I know I'll be lonely

Now is a good time to start making preparations. Two days a week I wfh and finish at 3pm. I used to love DD coming home from college at that time and us having a cup of tea and a catch up. So towards the end of 6th form, I joined an after work exercise/yoga class once a week and when DD went to uni I upped it to 2 afternoons and Saturday morning. Its done me the world of good.

My DH works long hours too but once a week I meet him from work and we go for a drink or the cinema or a meal. I told him he needs to make more time for me or I'd go round the bend!

I'm about to get stuck into a volunteering project that I'm passionate about. It's good for DD to see her mum flourishing whilst she's away at uni - even though I miss her very, very much.

NoKnickerElastic
BeatriceBatchelor

My DH works long hours too plus I work from home. The kids are in and out at work. When they are at home they are in their bedrooms these days. Has left me feeling very lonely.

DH is working today, poor man, and is not in such a great mood anyway.
DS away at uni hasn't visited in a month as he is super busy with end of year exams.
DD hasn't emerged from her room today as she was up late last night working on an assignment.

It's a beautiful day. So am going for a hastily arranged walk with a friend in the park, rather than feel sad about any of this. It's Mother's day in the US I believe, but I have never been one to worry about that bit of commercial nonsense.

Enjoy your walk @Lentilweaver . Sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves don't we. I make my own arrangements all the time. No other bugger will!!!

This is a late night rambling. I don't know if anyone else feels this. I know its stupid. And i wouldn't have it any other way. I'm proud of my independent, adventurous, brave kids who have/will strike out themselves and make their own way in the world as they've been taught to be independent and self supportive. Like i was at their age. I wouldn't have it any other way.

BUT. I'm jealous of my friends with kids who want to live at home and not go anywhere, not try anything, not want independence. They seem happy to hang about with their parents. And my friends love it. Im jealous their kids are still at home and seem to not mind.

I know its stupid its not what i want for my kids. But i want it for me.

I get this. I feel the same! It’s a lack in your own life and not having other relationships and interests. Work in that.

Mixed thoughts on that @ssd. Our eldest lives on the other side of the world and whilst I’m delighted he’s living his dream I miss him like crazy and wish he was closer. My DD lives about half an hour away and we see her about once a week which I love - I feel we’re very connected to each other in a positive way. Our youngest is still at school, but a joy to live with and I’m going to miss him loads when he goes. If DD and DS2 joined their elder brother I would be devastated, even though I have a busy life - but I know I can’t stand in their way. If that were to happen then yes, I would wish they lived at home! I’d want them to try things and go places though - life is for living.

Yes, i know you are right @SirChenjins. Its just a different feeling when the last is ready to leave and facing they will all be at least a few hours away. Its an irrational feeling.
I wish my life was fuller and busier. I work, i have friends and hobbies. I just don't have family except dh and the dcs and the last dc upping sticks and moving far away is horribly upsetting. Which is stupid. I know.

I think it is when you don’t have any wider family that it really hurts, I agree. I have very poor relationships with my family of origin so my children are doubly important .

Absolutely @Writingonthewalls. Although i realise as well i can't put my burdens on my kids. I keep my loneliness well hidden.

I need to get a grip. Struggling at the moment. Everything is getting on top of me, keep running off into the loo to splash cold water on my face.

Can I just say how much I love this thread. Just this morning I needed to be somewhere where others understand how it's a mixture of relief they're doing their own thing, missing them, then happy the school runs are over .. then back to "what now" thoughts As hard as it is to explain I take tremendous comfort from quietly scrolling through the messages feeling like I'm not the only one : thank you xx

How do i stop trying to play God?
I'm constantly stressing about sorting this and that for my kids. I don't mean day to day stuff, i mean mortgages and insurances and wills and big stuff.
Stuff dh doesn't ever think about. Stuff that goes over his head. He just says "they'll be fine".

I feel its all on me and its hard going.

Their friends all either have inheritances or in line for inheritance. Mine don't and never will. We don't earn much, there's no spare money. And life without choices is tough. Its compromise all the way. Its grinding me down.