coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

God, I can absolutely relate to this. It’s exactly what I do too. I wish I knew the answer.

I feel its an anxiety thing for me, a need to control things and make it ok. I feel ive had to sort out everything in my life since i was young and i didn't have anyone to lean on or do it for me and now I'm over compensating my dcs by wanting to do it all for them. Even though they don't ask me to do much they are very capable. Its like I'm mothering the young me who needed mothered. I've said that before on here, I'm really being the person i needed when i was their age.

@ssd I'm guilty of this too but am making a conscious effort to step back a bit with my daughters. I don't think longer term me acting as a fixer will help them.

Totally agree @vjg13

It really doesn’t, as I have learned!

How is everyone doing? I have a lot of wider family upset and drama going on at the moment but it has given me a better perspective closer to home, that and an IBS flare up. Crunching down Buscopan like there is no tomorrow!

Stress affects my tummy too @vjg13, hope you feel better soon.

I'm trying to keep busy, feel conflicted about a lot of things just now. Plodding on though.

Book a yoga holiday to India!

I knew someone who used to do that every year actually. It was what kept her sane. I wish I’d asked her where she went. Any recommendations?

Yoga is definitely something to think about, I'm the world's most inflexible person and can't even sit cross legged comfortably!
I have started going to sound baths which I find great and would recommend and I started Tai Chi although the teacher is away until July.

DH and I had a conversation about this the other day. DS1 is moving abroad for work. A long way away. Not Europe. We both want this for him. We are both over the moon for him. It's a brilliant job opportunity in a gorgeous place. (We can't wait to visit) But we are gutted for ourselves. I think it's fine to acknowledge these are separate feelings. He already lives in a different city. We already rarely see him, but for special occasions he does get time off work and join us.

One of my close friends still has all three adult DC at home, still going on holiday with her and her DH, into their late twenties. I am a bit jealous, but that time is coming to an end too. They are all leaving. They all leave at some point, if their lives are on track, unless there are health circumstances. And tbh, if they are still at home, a different set of worries crops up. My friend worries her oldest has never had a partner, aged nearly 30. So I don't think there's ever an ideal.

And DH and I realise that we really need to get involved with new things that truly matter to us, to fill the gap. Some friends of mine do respite fostering. You are clearly very maternal @longpathtohappiness. Is that something you would consider? It interests me. Part of the grief is feeling like you have all this expertise at parenting and it is suddenly no longer needed. but it could be...

Feeling so overwhelmed, flat and listless. Can't stop crying. Anxiety and worry through the roof.

Husband is really irrating me at the moment, feel so indifferent to him. But then I burst into tears on him

I'm normally chatty but have gone really quiet. Can't be bothered to keep in touch with people.

Just feel so meh about everything

On HRT, keep going back to the Dr's. Had the dosage increased but symptoms are even worse than ever. Dr has put me on HRT tablets to try which I need to pick up from the chemist

Unbearable at the moment, started crying and had a panic attack the dog this morning. So embarrassing as strangers saw me. Just comes from nowhere

TotalOverhaul if you had suggested fostering a few weeks ago I would have considered it but I'm not in the right place mentally at the moment.

@longpathtohappiness Sorry to hear that, I wear my sunglasses always dog walking when I feel rubbish so it's less embarrassing.

vjg13 good idea. Won't I get weird looks though when it is hammering down with rain?

Yes, we do need summer to get going for this be effective!

I'm sorry you feel so down @longpathtohappiness

I don't have any good suggestions, just empathy

Husband came and rescued me from my from my tears and then later falls asleep on the sofa, again..... feeling so lonely

I know this may sound obvious but do you take a vitamin and mineral supplement and vit D? What is your diet like?

I get that. You would need to be in a strong state of mind to start fostering.

I have sent you a PM, by the way. xx

Writingonthewalls diet is pretty good, could be better though. Something for me to work on. I had some blood tests which revealed low vit D so I'm now on a high dose of those.

TotalOverhaul thanks for the private message, I've replied 👍

I was quite heartbroken when they left, for a good two years. Then, when they had established themselves in their new lives, I redecorated and rented out their rooms, using the proceeds to take myself off on a number of dreamy long haul adventures.

@Poppyg123 I love your style! 😁

Wow! That’s inspiring!

What an interesting thread. Thanks so much , I've just spent a couple hours reading all your posts. I can relate so much although am a year or two behind. Oldest doing his final exams at the moment.
It's amazing how universal things are... Husbands asleep on the couch happy with the peace and quiet, that ll be my dh lol..
I'm still at the stage when everything is so busy... But very aware how quickly things are going to change. Half looking forward to it but dreading it too.
I remember after my oldest was born (which seems like yesterday in a way) I fell into pnd after a traumatic birth and read this book about motherhood which really struck a chord. It said that amongst all the joy and drudgery, motherhood is a grief from the moment they're born as all the time they're gradually splitting away from you.
Anyhow hope you're all well. Xxxx

DH and I had another chat yesterday. He said he finds dealing with my menopause tears quite difficult and thinks "not again".. I don't blame him, it must be hard for him but as I told him it is way harder for me as I'm experiencing it. Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep on the sofa. I understand he is hitting midlife too, but I feel so unsupported.