coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Its true what they say 'you're only as happy as your least happy child'

I honestly think it's because we as a generation are way too available to our children, made worse by the ease of communication these days. At DDs age I was living very far away from home, and going through some tough times, but did my mum know? Nope. She was living her best life! This was partly because we didn't have mobile phones, but also partly because I kept my problems to myself rather than dump on my parents.

In 2024, I am working on being way less available to my children, and living my best life too.

This is very true. Mobile phones and FaceTime make us on tap 24/7. My parents had the attitude that once you left home their responsibility ended and it was up to us to get on with our lives. They had no support from their own parents . I don’t think that is healthy either, but there is a compromise to be made.

I had pretty decent parents, and have no complaints. They would have supported me for the big things, but the day to day grind was up to me, and I think that's fair enough. Otherwise I would never have achieved anything.

We really can't live our children's lives for them. I know that is easier said than done, but nevertheless I am trying.

Good for you!

Been lurking on this thread for a while! I thought it was time to add my tuppence worth.
I think menopause helps to clarify relationships for good or for bad. I've had a difficult few months but feel better able to deal with things than I was.
I've got one DC still at home, one at Uni and one moved out. I've been trying to concentrate on making myself happy for the last 18 months. I had a surgical menopause 18months ago so a lot to cope with.
One thing I remind myself of is to use take it one day at a time. Don't look too far ahead (unless it's planning a nice holiday/day out!)

The way people fetishize their children is unhealthy for child and parent.

Well done, @Lentilweaver, for living your best life. I'm going to work on mine, too!

Nonsense @BeatriceBatchelor.

Each to their own.

You're so dismissive of anyone who doesn't echo your feelings @ssd .

DD has just returned to uni after a long Easter break at home. I'm quite bereft but acknowledge that to wallow in my feelings would be unhealthy.

I'm going to try and emulate @Lentilweaver because the alternative would be self destructive.

I felt you saying "The way people fetishize their children is unhealthy for child and parent" was dismissive of many of us posting here @BeatriceBatchelor

I agree @ssd I thought fetishize was a harsh choice of word and came across as quite demeaning. This thread is supposed to be supportive, with all of us navigating a transitional time in our lives which comes with a range of challenges and emotions, and we’re dealing with that in our own way and in our own time.

I choose fetishize because it came up in an MN web chat with a psychologist some months ago. It's the right word for the "excessive and irrational commitment to (something)."

we’re dealing with that in our own way and in our own time

But you're not. This thread has been going for over 6 months and posters are stuck bemoaning their empty nests. Any suggestions are met with "I don't want to ..."

@BeatriceBatchelor , with all due respect, you aren't getting the vibe here. We are all delighted our kids are growing up independently and making their own way in the world. We want them to do that and we smile and wave them off and never reveal to anyone how our hearts are breaking. But this thread is a safe space to actually say how you feel without someone telling you off (well it was..). Most of us understand each other and want to support each other, especially the op who has discussed the reasons she is especially emotional. And we all have lives and jobs and friends and hobbies but sometimes thats not enough, when you're hormonal and navigating an empty house and a relationship you don't know will survive it all.

We just want empathy and to be heard. If you choose not to listen but to judge anyway, its maybe not the best thread for you.

I agree, that statement was unnecessary and absolutely felt demeaning.

So what if it has been going a long time? Who is anyone to say that's wrong?

We are supposed to be supporting each other not denigrating each other.

I am actually, and haven’t posted on here in ages - but I am well aware that others are at different stages and that’s fine. None of us need a lecture or a waggy finger, and if you find you’re getting frustrated by posters not reacting in the way you want them to or feel they should then you should probably scroll past.

I am actually, and haven’t posted on here in ages

Well now you're here @SirChenjins it might be more helpful if you shared how you've moved on and improved life for yourself rather than wagging your finger at me.

There’s that waggy finger again @BeatriceBatchelor

Do what feels right for you.

Yikes, what happened to the thread? I am sorry if I had any part in it, and I hope I don't sound like I have all the answers. I very much do not.

I think it's hard to give specifics how I have improved my life because we all have different circumstances, parents, children, finances, and so on. I have a nice, caring mum, which I have only recently realised is quite a privilege ( though my lovely mum lives in another country) I do have a workaholic DH who works very long hours, but he does come out with me on the weekend and for trips away, so that is another privilege I feel lucky to have.

The Fleetwood Mac song "Landslide" sums this difficult stage of life up very well:

Well, I have been afraid of changing
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I am getting older too

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know, but I am trying as hard as I can to build my own life apart from my family. I put in some effort towards that, daily. Like exercise.

I love that song - it’s been the soundtrack to many things in my life 😊

No, you weren’t part of it - don’t worry! None of us have the answers and we all approach things in our own way as we navigate a new chapter in our lives. I imagine that for some, this thread offers a safe space to offload or vent at the frustrations and disappointments in our lives, for others it’s a chance to share what works for us, and for others it’s a bit of a hand-hold. MN can be a lively old place sometimes and it’s nice to have a corner where we can just come to for any or all of those things.

Wish there was a like option @SirChenjins 😁 I've agreed with everything you've said in these posts!
I know I don't post a lot but this is very much a safe haven to retreat to when it's necessary.

Thank you! 😊

@BeatriceBatchelor it is entirely possible for mums to get on with their busy lives fully functioning and chipper but need a minute, a safe space, a corner - to just take stock of the change in their lives as DCs grow and leave . It is a positive step to sit for a moment and notice how one feels . Not a sign of fetishisation as you put it. This is a place of support not criticism

Wish there was a like option

There's a thanks button @Polgara2

Is there??? Where's that then? 🧐 @BeatriceBatchelor

Next to the quote button. A pair of clapping hands with thanks under them. Though it might not be on the app.