coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

@longpathtohappiness I feel the same I suffered CSA then a physically and emotionally abusive mother who still lives. It does wreck your life.

I can deal with and block my flashbacks most of the time. If you are drowning in them would you consider psychology? I had PTSD from something else and NHS psychology cured me in about eight sessions.

I don't mean to sound glib or patronising just maybe if it is overwhelming you look into help. Absolutely awful what these bastards do to us. Thinking of you and sending love xxxx

SarahC50 I had NHS CBT which helped a little with the anxiety but not the really deep rooted stuff. I asked, but they said they were unable to help with trauma based anxiety.

This may sound stupid but I started going to Church when DC were first born, I converted to Christianity. I was so desperate for a magic wand to ensure that DD didn't suffer how I did.

Gtg, back later

SarahC50 how do you block out the flashbacks?

@longpathtohappiness I am a Christian too. I too was very triggered when my daughter reached a certain age and have been overprotective throughout her childhood.

I've had NHS CBT before from a CBT therapist however the psychologist again NHS who worked specifically on PTSD for a certain traumatic event was different. Lots of desensitisation etc v supportive.

I have daily flashbacks and intrusive thoughts re csa. Often triggered if I sit down a certain way. I sort of say STOP to myself and visualise batting it away. I am driven by not allowing that paedophile to wreck another minute of my life. I guess I recognise what it is that is happening IE a flashback and try to halt it.

I've by no means got it sorted and I struggle more some times than others. Certain things my husband does,music,words,smells etc can all trigger me.

It's not easy it really is a life sentence. Pm me if you like as so much of this is difficult.

How was everyones weekend. I am struggling to keep on top of my wiry beard despite daily plucking and an IPL machine FFS x

SarahC50 have PM you

@longpathtohappiness got it thankyou xxxc

Depression and anxiety have set in. Already on antidepressants and HRT.. any advice for getting through this?

I do two things:

1. Wash. Don’t laugh 😂. But when I’m depressed I don’t really feel like washing.
2. Set a time to write all my worries down. So when anxiety rears its head, I go: not now, I do this at 7 am every morning, now it’s not the time to worry about that, it’s not my allocated time 😊.

It works for me.

BuddhaAtSea

I've had CBT, and worry time is a coping strategy 😁

I had cbt too, but it didn't help much.
I don't think i really believed in it.

How do you stop worrying and keep it for worry time? Worrying is my default setting.

I have a journal. At the back of it and the wrong way around, I make lists with what worries me/negative stuff. So I just set a timer and give myself 15 min to write down what was bugging me. Half the time I don’t even remember what I was worried about 😂 by the time I get to it.
This morning I woke up at 4 am thinking about the fact that the soap in the kitchen ran out, the spare one I have doesn’t fit in the brush/washing up/soap holder I have. I just told myself: ffs, you’re being bloody ridiculous, go back to bed, write it in the morning. Because I didn’t just stop there, I picked up the phone and tried to buy it there and then. So yeah. 🤯

I wish I could contain my worry into a certain time each day, but that would be like asking a fish not to swim.

You can’t contain it, that’s the thing. But when it pops into your head, leave it, tell yourself I’m worry about it at 6 pm or something.

I'll try it

My body seems to work in the opposite way, I wake up anxious and worried and then have to think about which particular things are making me feel like that! It seems to wear off as the day goes on.

I've been like this recently @vjg13 , i take a 40mg propranolol and it calms me down. I dont seem to need it later on in the day. I dont know what causes this.

@ssd I think it may be to do with a surge in Cortisol overnight.

I'm trying to decrease daily stresses (I have a daughter with learning difficulties and it has been full on lately dealing with social care) and hope this helps. I'm planning on trying Tai Chi and have a sound bath booked for the end of the month too.

That sounds interesting, let me know how it goes. I've never heard of a sound bath. Hope it helps.
Im feeling very emotional just now. Ds left to go back to where he lives, i don't want to write "go home" its too final, but for just now it is his home.
I always feel bereft when he goes, like ive lost something i cant get back. And it brings losing my mum and dad to my mind again.
Its strange how emotions can floor you. I wish i was less emotional, less sensitive, more like dh. I keep reading on mn how women my age, lates 50s, dont have any fucks to give. Well maybe they gave them all to me cos ive got too many!!! I wish i had the breezy dont care attitude to life now that i keep reading about in other sections of mn. I dont think I'll ever be like that. I wish i could be though, it must make life more straightforward.

How is everyone?
I have spelt it out with DH how I am feeling. He leaves at 6am for work and doesn't get home until 6pm ish, sometimes later. I work from home, some days I don't see or speak to anyone until he gets home. When he does get home all he wants to talk about is his work, he eats his tea and either falls asleep or is asleep on the sofa. I have tried explaining to him how lonely I feel day after day but I may as well talk to the wall.

Menopause, ill mother and kids getting older really hit me, burst into tears, panic attack. DH just looked at me like I had two heads. I understand that he doesn't understand the effect of menopause, but ffs.

Most days I'm now just plodding along doing my own thing. I have zero interest in his family these days. I've always been the one to do anything regarding his sisters and mum, birthday presents etc, but now I can't be bothered.

Told DH that I felt like his housemate rather than his wife. We do nothing together, zero intimacy.

My mindset at the moment is to do what I can for myself. DC are still at home,although in their 20s now so I guess it won't be long until they leave. I really don't know what I will do then

Weekends are the worse, I don't have my own thing to do yet. Trying to get him to do anything is like pushing water uphill.

This sounds awful for you. Can I ask why you stay in the marriage? It sounds like a living death. You don’t have to put up with this.

To be honest i thought the same thing @longpathtohappiness. It really does sound like you're getting nothing from your marriage, have you considered leaving?

@longpathtohappiness I'm sorry to hear how you are struggling so much at the moment. Do you think dealing with your Mum's illness could be affecting how you feel about everything? It's the holy trinity of midlife, aging parents, kids leaving/relationship changes and menopause.

My mother died 5 years ago, we had a dreadful relationship but I still found it so difficult. It was a very different grief to when I lost my lovely dad but still hard.

At some future point do you think you and your husband could try some joint counselling? I think my own relationship would benefit from this as I feel unheard at times.

How is everyone doing? I'm disappointed this thread has sort of stopped, i hope you are ok @longpathtohappiness ..let us know how you are doing.

I'm dreading ds moving out. I know he has to go and its the right thing blah blah blah but I'm dreading it. I cant imagine none of them here. I haven't got much extended family at all and the ds's being gone will kill me. I know i should be thinking of my own life and i do,but my god ill be in bits when he goes.

I am feeling very anxious today. All my children seem to be struggling with life. The one who is most settled is really struggling at the moment. It’s so hard to help them and it all seems overwhelming at times. I can’t bear them to be unhappy.

I haven't posted lately because I am out of step with the general sentiment on this thread😐I am very much in the "no fucks left to give" category and have been focusing on myself rather than anyone else.

Not that my DC don't have their struggles. But I am not keen on letting their struggles take over my life.