coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Thank you. Some days i feel indifferent towards my husband too. Not sure if it is the menopause or the winter months. Spring us here and get outside more

Your update explains everything @longpathtohappiness. With such a childhood, no wonder you feel the way you do. I am sorry you had to go through all that. My theory is that mums spend most of their lives parenting and too busy to think. When the kids are grown, suddenly you have time to think and breathe, and then all the past trauma of your life comes rushing back.

I had a decent childhood, but I worry greatly about my DD, for certain reasons too complex to go into. She is quite naive and doesn't always have great MH.

The terrible weather definitely makes it worse. There was some brief sunshine yesterday, and I went for a walk, which made me feel so much better. Exercise helps me much more than therapy or meds.

Man, life is complicated.

Lentilweaver thanks, it is coupled with me feeling meh towards DH. Today I don't feel like crying but Monday I did, both days I felt meh towards DH. The indifference towards him comes and goes in waves which is why I've thought it might be hormonal. Today I really cba with all his dramas, I used to care about his family but I don't do more than I have to these days, I just pay it lip service. I've gone really really worrying about my daughter especially to wondering how the hell I am going to get through the years ahead!

How is everyone doing? I've had a quiet mother's day, just hung round the house and got a chippy for tea, which was very greasy..

We don't really do Mothers' Day. I appreciate that sounds miserable! but my birthday was last week and my anniversary two days ago, so I had enough of a fuss and time with the DC. Got flowers and gifts for those.

Today, it's pissing down, so I have caught up with some paperwork, watched a box set and had a much needed evening alone with a rare drink as Dh is out.

Wishing you all a Happy Mothers Day whether or not you celebrated it. I received the obligatory texts and a nice phone call but that was my lot. as expected. This year I decided to give myself the Mothers Day I deserved so after visiting my own mum I made myself a batch of chocolate cookies and ate them all in front of a film without feeling guilty.

I started the day feeling very sorry for myself as no cards etc. However I got a lovely bouquet of flowers and card from one and a card from the other. Both phoned. My other child… nothing at all as they have gone NC with the whole family. Really upsetting and the first time that’s happened in their life. I’m trying to rise above it. I haven’t done anything to warrant it either.
I think it’s a great idea to give yourself the Mothers Day you deserve @Haffdonga . Wishing everyone else well too. I’m always glad when it’s over to be honest!

Great to find this thread, I feel less alone reading through some of the messages at the start of the thread.

I've been feeling very down recently, since my youngest reached the 'friends are top priority, parents are forgotten' stage.

DH is lovely but he is always too busy to spend time with me. I WFH full time, he works out of the house. In the evenings I need conversation but he needs quiet. At weekends his hobbies take priority and he mostly ignores me.

I tried to get into exercise but have been stopped by various issues (hip arthritis, recurring trapped nerve). I feel pissed off that I've had to stop activities that were making me feel good.

I feel lonely, sad and pessimistic about the future, all are out of character for me.

I miss the DC being around and them being interested in talking to me and spending time with me.

How is everyone doing? I'm guessing the same as me, just plodding on. I'm supposed to be going to something tonight i really can't be bothered with and I'm struggling with that. I think I'll drive and just stay an hour or so. Its really not my thing and the person i was going with is ill so i need to go alone.
Life is plodding on. We haven't booked a holiday this year...again....as its just too expensive. I sometimes read threads on here, like the how many concerts are you going to thread, and feel I'm on a different planet.
Ds still making his plans about moving out and I'm just dreading it. My parents are long dead and i keep away from my siblings as they make me feel like shit. The dcs and dh are my only family and the thought of the dcs living far away,in opposite directions, is just awful. I work beside women my age with their grown up kids all either still at home or living at most a few miles away. I dont want that for my kids...but i want it for me!! I know thats selfish and I'd never tell them that.

Its just a stage you never saw coming, isnt it☹️

I think all the talk of get a hobby, rediscover yourself, find new friends...is ok in principle but how do you even get the oomph or the energy? I sometimes can't be bothered with the friends i already have and i dont have the money to join clubs etc.
Its almost impossible to replace the thing you enjoyed the most and were the best at..raising your kids...with something you are half hearted about and doing just to go through the motions. I suppose the answer is to find something you love...well i did but they moved away and nothing else comes close..

If nothing changes, nothing will change, no? I do not find it impossible. But then I wasn't very good at raising kids!

I love this thread -as menopause hits me even more, I'm finding alone time ok. Some days I crave it. I've always hated my own company but some days really enjoy it. Other days I need to get out of the house. I don't feel the need to make friends like I once did. It is really weird. Back later

@ssd I think it's essential not to let being short of money hold us back. There are things we can get involved in that cost nothing - mainly volunteering for some cause that truly matters to us - a political party or worthwhile charity. I've done some work for a foodbank in the past and found that rewarding.

Concerts and theatre - there are ways around this. If you live in a city or town, there are often free classical concerts in churches. I look out for cheap theatre seats and sign up for seat filler agencies which only charge a booking fee. Or look for good local am dram (or join them ) In cities there are often free talks and author book readings and signings too.

Not so easy if you are out in the countryside, though.

I so agree with you here @ssd .

It really gets on my wick when well-meaning young people advise us empty nesters to get a hobby and now it's your time to do what you've always wanted. I've got the hobbies, thank you very much. I say yes to the invitations whenever possible, but that doesn't stop the hobbies feeling like a time-filler and the invitations feeling like a duty. Basically everything feels second best to my real passion in life - being mum to my family.

My approach is to admit to myself that I simply miss those days and that's ok. Then just to get the fuck on with living life the best I can.

Disclaimer: yes I know I'm so bloody lucky that my 2 have grown up to be successful, hopefully decent and most importantly happy young men living independent adult lives. I wouldn't want it any other way of course . But we're allowed to miss the days when we were the core of their lives.

Stay strong.

Yes, I totally get this. My sister for example is BUSY 24/7. She still has one at home and one about to leave for Uni but every minute is filled with activities. I just don’t want to live like that. I’m an introvert. I get exhausted by too much doing. I haven’t found anything I love doing , and maybe that’s a
comment on me. I’ve kind of lost interest in charging about meeting new people and doing stuff. I just want to be with people who get me. I love being in nature and thinking. My tolerance for bullshit is nil now and I just think ‘no, I’m not putting up with that’ .

I suppose I am lucky that I don;t want to be the core of my family, anymore. It involves too much work. I am the core of my life now, it's all about me, me, me! I will soon have to do some caregiving for mum, so I am making the most of this time.

@ssd have you ever considered fostering?

Earn money doing something you're good at. And have children in your home again.

Oh god no @BeatriceBatchelor , i admire anyone who does that but its not for me. I'm currently a strange mix of only wanting to bother with myself and craving time alone to feeling lonely and missing the kids.
I probably need a good kick up the jacksie.
The volunteering thing is similar...i don't want to be tied to anything yet there's days I'm grumpy as i have nothing to do...and I'm going to an am dram thing this weekend and honestly, HONESTLY, if i had a decent excuse I'd be using it...

I think I've turned into victor meldrew.

Remember i said i just want to be like an old cat, sitting on a cushion staring out the window? Well i still want that but I'd also want to be fed a nice plate of homemade food now and then. Like really plain and tasty.

I think I've turned into victor meldrew

I don't belieeeeve it!

Sorry, couldn't resist that.

How am I going to cope with DH when the kids leave? He has no oopmh. My divorced friend says I'm lucky as I have DH, and yes i am but no doesn't want to do anything.

Go do stuff by yourself?

Lentilweaver yes I have started to a bit as planning ahead. Feeling so overwhelmed with it all. So grateful for this thread so I can get it all out.

@longpathtohappiness snap with the difficult childhood, I had csa from a grandparent fecks you up all your life.

@Writingonthewalls that is so hurtful, you have done nothing to merit being ignored poor you x

@ssd yes yes all this get a hobby etc FFS it is so nice that this is a thread where there is none of that Pollyanna crap. And let's be honest money plays a huge factor in everything these days blooming everything.

I'm home after a month away and it is so nice to be in my own bed. Sadly arguing non stop with my whistling,singing,exercising husband FFS I am so hellish to live with. Cycle was 40 days this month please let it end soon.

Sending solidarity and love. Xxxps buying a tonne of shite on eBay, small pleasures x

SarahC50 sending hugs. It really has fecked me up. I also experienced emotional abuse from DF. There is lots more I could post, it has been ongoing. My head is all over the place, I'm like a swan, look calm from the outside but paddling underneath. I have zero self esteem, really don't understand why DH has stuck by me all these years knowing my history. I have flashbacks and don't know how I get through each day some days