coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

You're right @SarahC50

@ssd you do deserve better and if your gut is telling you that she is using you or you are filling a gap then sadly it is true. If and when she does contact you don't jump and be available just take a step back and see what happens.

I speak from bitter experience and recently have stepped away from an 18 year friendship,yes it hurts but in reality it was me doing all the running and pushing the friendship. When I stopped the relationship stopped.

Not easy but place value on yourself,neither of us are worth being somebody's back up friend xx

Thanks @SarahC50 , i know you are absolutely right. The funny thing is, this happened last year at this time too and i did step back and not jump when she contacted me, and because i didn't jump she asked me if anything was wrong, she was used to me jumping, which I'm not doing anymore. She is a nice person but pretty self serving, which i recognise now.

Feeling indifferent towards DH again today, have zero interest in anything to do with his family these days. DH and his sisters are arguing over something to do with their mum, I am honestly not even interested. In the past I would have supported DH but now...

DH may have diabetes, suggested he goes down to the Dr while he is off today as he got nowhere when he phoned them. He has ignored me and sat in front of me scoffing a packet of crisps and a chocolate bar. Ffs.

Your DH sounds incredibly difficult @longpathtohappiness. My Dh was just showing me his glucose levels the other day with his CGM, and they are almost normal, thanks to him completely cutting out sugar and nearly all carbs. I would find it hard to be nice to anyone who didn't take care of their health.

Lentilweaver I am finding it hard to be nice to him. He had a health check at work, conclusion was possible high sugar levels and get checked out at the Dr's.... His DF had diabetes in life so high risk he may have it. He just carries on eating chocolate and ice creams!! Ffs, I've had enough

That sounds really frustrating @longpathtohappiness ..he doesn't want to take any responsibility for himself, does he? And I'm presuming when/if he feels ill he will turn to you to be looked after?

Those of you who believe most of your problems stem from your relationship with your mother might really benefit from listening to Dr Dorothy Rowe's audiobook Breaking the Bonds which is free on You Tube.

She had a toxic mother and guides you through making peace with this and with yourself.

It's never too late.

Can't stop crying again today. Hiding it from DH as he will tut at me. My kids are growing up and I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

@BeatriceBatchelor thankyou I'll have a look

@longpathtohappiness I'm so sorry, it is just horrible isn't it, so upsetting and sore. Would he really tut,if so that is so shitty

@ssd I'm in your patch having a salubrious stay in gartnavel x

SarahC50 yes he would tut or eye roll.

@SarahC50 , hope everything goes ok for you in there, I've never been in Gartnavel, I'm on the southside.

@longpathtohappiness , i mean this kindly. I've read you are crying a lot and your kids are still at home. I'm guessing they are teenagers. I'm just wondering if there's something else going on. You said your dh isn't supportive, that always makes life harder. Are you around mid 40s? I'm guessing you are perimenopausal, i think it might be worth you trying hrt. I'm not one of the 'hrt solves everything' brigade, i tried it and came off it myself. But i had a friend who said she just cried all the time before going on it and i wondered if it would help you, your posts remind me of her. I'm not saying there's anything wrong in being sad your kids are growing up, it hits us all at times, but I've read your other thread and i just think it might be worth trying hrt. How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking?

Yes, I think there are a lot of things going on with you @longpathtohappiness.Can you access some therapy? HRT hasn;t worked much for me either.

I seem to be on the opposite end from you. My DC are moaning about the tough job market and how they have applied for dozens of internships but not heard back, and I just want to stop being anxious about them for a change. I am really fed up of having to worry about their health/uni/ job prospects/boyfriends/girlfriends endlessly. When does it end even?

I never needed this much help from my parents, but then those seem to be completely different times when everybody was much more resilient/ we weren;t in a recession.

Lentilweaver
ssd

I'm 53 and already on HRT. Kids are 20s!! - the crying comes in waves, I'm okay for a few days then bang, back again

God yes! I pitch from one crisis to another. They aren’t my problems but my adult kids problems. There is always some drama, some stress, something they need moral support with. I’m utterly drained. My parents never knew anything about what was going on in my life. I would never have dreamed of going to them with problems or confiding in them. I just coped.

Oh, I thought I was the only one with DC who lurch from one crisis to another. I think it is the times. My parents knew nothing of what was going on with me. Even when I had tough times, I soldiered on.

I have this vision of DD still asking me what to do about her boyfriend when I am 90!

😂😂

@longpathtohappiness , have you tried tweaking your hrt? I dont mean to bang on about it, as i said i tried it and gave it up, so i know its not a one size fits all, but your symptoms sound just like my friends were, a few years ago...and she's such NOT a crier...are your kids talking about moving out and that's whats upsetting you?

@Lentilweaver. You saying your parents knew nothing of what was going on with you was exactly what i was like....yet I'm constantly feeling unneeded and a bit unloved cos ds1 keeps things very close to his chest...I'd like to be more involved but he does it great himself and rarely needs me...just like i did at his age...but now I'm the parent it kind of upsets me..

Its nuts!!!

Your son knows you’re there for him and love him. If he prefers to keep things to himself it’s because he wants to work things out for himself. I didn’t have that option because my parents really didn’t care. You care, and that’s the important thing. They know you have their back.

Thanks @Writingonthewalls

I have been to the Dr so many times about HRT, seems I am on the highest dose. I've had CBT talking therapy which did help.

In a nutshell, I suffered sexual and emotional abuse in my childhood and early teens and I have flashbacks to these events. I didn't want to have children for a long time as i was so worried that if i had a daughter, history would repeat itself and she would get hurt like i did. The tears start when i think about it, and it feels like a knife to the heart. She is now passed the age when this happened to me and when i have my nightmares/flashbacks they never go passed the age she is now. She is now 22 and when i was her age i had met my now DH. My mum had kittens when i started dating DH, of course when i was 20 i didn't understand.. But now i am older and wiser, I understand, as far as i know DD hasnt stated dating yet but I know i will be having kittens myself when and if she does start!!

All the mums i talk to say you never stop worrying about your kids but no one has the same worry that I have about their kids... I dont know what the answer is, I have to fight these thoughts every day. Logically when i take a step back, I can see that she is happy and she keeps things to herself. In some ways that makes it easier for me as the less I know, the less i can worry about !

So to summarise, the tears are a combination of me feeling hormonal, worrying about my DD (I have sons too but dont worry about them in nearly the same way) and my Mum having terminal cancer... Midlife eh!

Well then your tears are understandable. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I'm finding now I'm 50 something that my past is coming back to bite me but its making me understand my anxieties a bit better.
The fear of seeing your daughter as yourself must just take you over sometimes. I've got no experience of this but i totally sympathise with your dilemma. And throwing your ill mum into the mix is doubly hard. You must feel like you have the world on your shoulders. You poor soul, I'm so sorry.