coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

@longpathtohappiness - I've realised I'm a rubbish friend too. It comes as quite a surprise as I love my friends a lot. But my head is never fully on them. I never prioritise them. I don't remember their birthdays unless they are actively celebrating. I want to get better at being a good friend but am not sure how to make a start.

Too many years of the DC occupying pretty much my every waking thought. And they still do, in their early 20s, but I am forcing myself to stop. I have at least realised that I am the problem here, so I need to solve it. I want to leap into action if they have a cold or a problem at work. But they are adults and these are their small problems to deal with and solve. I'm still doing it - batch cooking food for DS2 starting a new job, so he doesn't have to cook. Amazon-priming cold remedies to DS1, as if he is incapable of finding Sudafed in his local chemist. It's ridiculous. It's like a compulsion.

How do we clear our brains of this and start to focus on and prioritise our own lives? (Serious question - does anyone have the answers?)

TotalOverhaul yes yes same. My DC are 20s, spent yesterday writing helping them to write CVs. Evening spent with DD kicking off about fluff on her clean duvet cover. Today so far has been diffuse argument with DS and DD and trying to get other DS laptop to work. I am supposed to be working!! Meanwhile I forgot to ask my friend about her tough time, not intentional just so much going on in my head! I am such a sh*t friend

Again, i can relate to so much here. I try to parent too much when they don't need it and its really to their detriment. But I've realised I'm actually over parenting as I'm parenting the young girl i was who is still inside me wanting to be looked after. My dcs are capable and mature and sensible and they are fine if left to look after themselves. So i know its not them desperately needing looked after, its me. I'm projecting myself onto them. I've got a need in me that's always been there. My parents were born over 100 years ago and my dad was in the war. I was the youngest and was sort of left to my own devices a lot, as kids were in the 70s. So i feel I've had to be strong and independent from a young age. And I'm still very independent and organised and in control. And the thought of losing that control absolutely terrifies me, i think that's what's behind my health anxiety. I just feel I've never had anything to fall back on. Which is stupid, as i had my parents and now dh. But ive always been the one in control and dh sorts of expects me to organise everything. Its how we are.
Your post @Haffdonga resonated too, as although i have older siblings, they left when i was younger and i grew up like an only child, i never ever felt they had my back, or were very interested in me, although i was very close to my nieces and nephews, now my kids are grown my siblings have no interest in them at all. All the love i poured into my siblings and their families has never been returned and I'm very bitter about that. I cared for mum too and they just didn't see it as their problem. Yet since mum died their lives have gone from strength to strength, especially my sister who has her dcs running round after her, whilst she ignored my mum..and I'm the one feeling alone and fucked up.

Strange how life turns out.

I defnitely overparent a bit- which I am trying to reduce- but I still try to keep time for my friends- the ones I have left- and for myself. There are many solitary and free/cheap pursuits I enjoy- walking, swimming, listening to podcasts, reading, writingm playing board games- and I intend to continue those.

Lentilweaver I love to walk, swim and listen to podcasts too.

I don't know whether it was because I was an only child but DM had a lot of problems letting me go. I'm trying to ensure i have some of my own interests/hobbies to keep me busy for myself. This coupled with DH not wanting to move off the sofa is the only way I'm keeping going. I think you started a "make new friends" thread on another forum, I'm also trying to do that with limited sucess

So much that resonates with me again. The thing about trying to look after the little girl through our kids in particular. I wasn’t nurtured or looked after as a child. I was the eldest with two younger siblings who were very close in age, so all the attention went to them. It felt like being an only child. I brought myself up, and I don’t want my kids to feel there is no one there for them.

Writingonthewalls same here, in hindsight I brought myself up too.

That's precisely my anxiety too. My parents were neglectful. They never noticed if our clothes were dirty or shoes too small or we had no gloves or coat for winter. I was never bought correct school uniform, a fitting bra, shoes or even sanitary protection. And I got into trouble for all of this from my teachers - how could they think a child has any agency over this stuff? And my parents didn't spot emotional problems either, like being bullied, truancy etc.

In adulthood, they weren't there for me either. When I left uni because I had a nervous breakdown, my mother told me I was pretending, to get attention. And during the hellish early years of DS2's SEN and physical ailments - heart trouble, spinal issues, hydrocephalus we were in and out of hospital. They were a few minutes away but too wrapped up in their little social clubs to help out.

I decided to be the opposite. I thought I was being a brilliant parent in comparison, but on reflection, I know I have been and still am, too hyper-vigilant to their every needs. I rush at them and meet their needs, whether they want me to or not. I really want to take a step back, but I don't know how far. I don't want to end up as indifferent to their adult wellbeing as my parents were to mine. How do we find the balance? I don't want to get so wrapped up in my own social life that they feel ignored.

I totally get this. I really do. The trouble is my kids tend to dump their toxic waste on me with little thought to how it’s affecting ME. I just give and give and I’m burnt out. They accuse me of being controlling and offering too much advice. I’m consciously stepping back now. I’m trying to think of us as equals. It’s give and take. I’m not good at boundaries because my own parents were so neglectful . I don’t actually know what good parenting looks like. When they were young I was firm but fair. I think it all went wrong in their teenage years.

The trouble is my kids tend to dump their toxic waste on me with little thought to how it’s affecting ME. I just give and give and I’m burnt out.

One of mine- DD- does this. She suffers from anxiety anyway, but I am trying to distance myself because she needs to figure out her own solutions. The other does everything on his own, Go figure! People are very different.

I am trying to think of us as equals.

This is a hard lesson for parent and child, but I am trying to do this.

@ssd I relate to that re siblings children. I am the youngest and was very excited when my sister's had children. I loved spending time with them and building a relationship with them. Sadly like you not reciprocated,my sister is utterly uninterested in both of mine and gosh it hurts.

With lots of things recently I have given up pushing and pushing to maintain relationships. At the moment I am down ten miles from one of my siblings and normally I'd arrange a meet up and push to see them. I've done that 25 plus years,not anymore I'm not forcing one sided relationships anymore. It is amazing when you stop the effort on your side it all just grinds to a halt. Same with grandparents I was obsessed with having a big happy family and pushed for the kids to regularly see their grandparents. I burnt myself out and in reality neither side cared.

I think I am the opposite re friendships. I always remember birthdays and try to be a good and supportive friend. However I am frequently hurt and disappointed when so little effort is made on their side probably just busy with their own lives like some of you say.

I know I sound a nightmare and I probably am oversensitive. I'm just stepping back with my effort with alot of people. It is just all so bloody disappointing isn't it.

@Writingonthewalls my kids dump all their worries on me too and I get very stressed unlike my DH who says to leave them to it. The kids dump it on me then get irritated if I make suggestions. How do we turn off a switch that is so used to going into sort out the problem mode?

I’ve done this with my sister . I’ve flogged myself for years trying to work out what is wrong and how to fix it. A couple of things happened. I read some old letters and emails she wrote to me years ago. I suddenly realised she’s always been quite nasty and self absorbed. The scales fell from my eyes. Somehow I just don’t care anymore. Oddly enough, she suggested a phone call recently. She hasn’t wanted to talk to me on the phone for a very long time! It’s as if she sensed the change in me and wanted to start trying to reel me back in. She showed no interest in my kids when they were young but now makes a big show of asking how one or another is ( when it suits her). I just can’t be arsed with her anymore and think after my mother dies I will quietly fade away.

I’ve really been evaluating my relationships generally in the past few months. If we aren’t on a level playing field I don’t want to put in the effort any longer. I am a good friend, but increasingly resent how little I get back in terms of support from them.

We all seem to have similar sisters here. Completely uninterested sums up mine too. She's too used to everyone kissing her arse to be bothered with me or mine. Its all too toxic for me. Luckily i live far far away.

But I've realised I'm actually over parenting as I'm parenting the young girl i was who is still inside me wanting to be looked after.

@ssd - That's really insightful. What would happen if we turned all that attention and devotion and care from them to ourselves - not to neglect them but to give them the breathing space they need as young adults while we actually do what you have just expressed/

I want to chip in here and say my DSis is nice!

So much of what you are all saying really resonates with me.

Thank you for starting this thread OP and for everyone who has contributed!

It is some comfort to know others are in the same boat.

@Writingonthewalls that is it exactly, I can't make myself care anymore. Something must change within us at this age that causes this feeling or change.

I'm just not putting myself through it anymore either x

Sorry i shouldn't have said 'we all seem...'

Im glad yours is nice

Honestly how am I going to survive the years ahead with DH? I am fluctuating between resentment and indifference... I never used to feel this way... some days I feel like it is only the kids that are keeping me in this relationship... what am I going to do when they leave home?? is this normal during midlife? Is it the menopause? I've gone from worrying about the kids to wondering how on earth I'm going to get through each day.... DH had a health check at work last week and high sugar levels were detected. His DF had diabetes in later life... DH has his head in the sand, 3 chocolate bars with his lunch yesterday (yes 3!!) and an ice cream with his dinner yesterday. Ffs....

I had a good day yesterday. ( I hope it's ok to share the good times too). DD has been very anxious about job prospects in this economy, and also feels like she has made a mistake in choosing her uni course but too late to change, so quite miserable really.

Yesterday I persuaded her to take a break from her worries, and come with me to the National Gallery. We had a lovely time looking at art for 3 hours, with some pizza and bookshop browsing later. When we do connect, we have so much in common. I wish we connected more often, but there's always hope!

I had a sort of tiff with a friend on Friday- I have very few friends- so this made me feel a bit better.

@longpathtohappiness Yikes, diabetes is something to be wary of. I am Asian so diabetes runs in our family and DH is a slim-ish diabetic. But he is super careful. Never eats sugar, hardly eats carbs, does not drink. Maybe once a month he falls of the wagon a bit, but not excessively. I attempt to do the same to support him and keep my risk low.

I do not blame you for worrying. It's frustrating when you become the defacto nurse.

@Lentilweaver , that sounds like a lovely day. I think adult kids have to grow away from us before they can get close again, maybe your dd is doing that, hopefully you'll have more days like that in the future. We had a nice day too, dh and i went to the west end and wandered around and had a coffee and cake in a wee Italian place that was busy and we got a seat easily which was good. I appreciate the fact we still get on, i have so many friends like you @longpathtohappiness and they seem to throw themselves into things like amateur dramatics, choir, netball, crafting, walking groups etc, they just keep busy and don't wait for him to get himself organised and out the house. They look after themselves i feel. But i know it must be hard, i don't know the answer apart from leave him, which another friend in her mid 50s has done. She just had enough and they split up, she doesn't miss him although i think they have a cordial relationship. I think at this stage we are who we are and we're having to accept people don't change so we either lump it or leave it. I've got no relationship with my siblings as I'd lumped it too long and have had enough there and i just am better off mentally without them.
I'm meeting a friend today for coffee, we hardly meet up so I'm looking forward to that. My other friend who i mentioned earlier still hadn't contacted me and I'm not sure whether i should contact her. She's the one i feel she uses me when there's nothing else in for her. I seen her loads during covid when we couldn't travel outside 5 miles or something and i always knew she contacted me so much as she couldn't do anything else but once covid got better she was off. Its strange how folk are.

Lentilweaver he is overweight and sedatery most of the time. He has a lot of sugar and not much veg. I'm going to lead by example, that is all I can do... We walk the dog together and that is his only exercise, actually got to go DH is ready and I have to strike while the iron is hot

@ssd don't chase that friend, you deserve better. Stop making the effort and see how it pans out. Its never nice to be the back up plan.

@longpathtohappiness that sounds very frustrating your husband and eating all that sugar. What a worry as full blown diabetes is awful. I think definitely at this age we review and evaluate everything including our marriage. Especially when the kids have left and it is just the two of you. Quite a few of my peers marriages have broken up at this stage. I'm sure my husband is sick of me, I'm disabled,chronically ill and don't want to do anything. Whereas he is Uber fit and active and always wants to do things