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Parents of adult children

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coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

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TotalOverhaul · 19/02/2024 12:47

ssd · 19/02/2024 12:30

Great suggestions there @TotalOverhaul . I also love swimming but i need the car to get there and we all share 1 car here which is frankly a pain in the arse. And outdoor swimming in the warmer weather is glorious.

Unfortunately after years of looking for free stuff with the kids i want treats nowGrin

LOL. I agree about the treats. Maybe we should set up a savings account just for ourselves and put money in that we used to spend on Dc - new shoes and uniform at start of school year, club subs etc. Otherwise - how come we managed to find the money for them but never for us?

ssd · 19/02/2024 16:30

@TotalOverhaul , i know. We still manage to find the money for the kids but scrimp on ourselves. Its a hard habit to break. My trouble is, I'd rather treat them than ourselves. Ds pays rent that absolutely skins him and we try to help him out a bit. Ds2 is still studying and we help him too.
One day they hopefully will be helping usGrin

ssd · 19/02/2024 16:33

@Writingonthewalls , i loved lockdown. I finally felt like the world was living like i live. I remember the panic about people having holidays/theatre tickets/weekends away suddenly cancelled and what they had to do. I had nothing to cancel and it was nice to see everyone slow down. Of course my ds's hated it, i would have too at their age. It was awful for them and it broke my heart. But for me, it was calm and peaceful.

Writingonthewalls · 19/02/2024 16:53

ssd · 11/02/2024 21:39

I seen this somewhere online, it sums it up

"My local paper in the US has printed this every year since 2006 at this time of year (back to college time). It sums it up for me.

"I wasn't wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn't the end of the world when first one child, then another , and then the last packed their bags and left for college.

But it was the end of something. Can you pick me up, Mom?" What's for dinner?" ``What do you think?"

I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, non stop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.

And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.

And then they were gone, one after the other.

``They'll be back," my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals -- not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars.

Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend's. Always looking at the clock mid day and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. How was school?" answered for years in too much detail. And then he said . . . and then I said to him. . . ." Then hardly answered at all.

Always, knowing his friends.

Her favorite show.

What he had for breakfast.

What she wore to school.

What he thinks.

How she feels.

My friend Beth's twin girls left for Roger Williams yesterday. They are her fourth and fifth children. She's been down this road three times before. You'd think it would get easier.

``I don't know what I'm going to do without them," she has said every day for months.

And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?

A chapter ends. Another chapter begins. One door closes and another door opens. The best thing a parent can give their child is wings. I read all these things when my children left home and thought then what I think now: What do these words mean?

Eighteen years isn't a chapter in anyone's life. It's a whole book, and that book is ending and what comes next is connected to, but different from, everything that has gone before.

Before was an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager. Before was feeding and changing and teaching and comforting and guiding and disciplining, everything hands -on. Now?

Now the kids are young adults and on their own and the parents are on the periphery, and it's not just a chapter change. It's a sea change.

As for a door closing? Would that you could close a door and forget for even a minute your children and your love for them and your fear for them, too. And would that they occupied just a single room in your head. But they're in every room in your head and in your heart.

As for the wings analogy? It's sweet. But children are not birds. Parents don't let them go and build another nest and have all new offspring next year.

Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem. Because that's what going to college is. It's goodbye.

It's not a death. And it's not a tragedy.

But it's not nothing, either.

To grow a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It rejects food it used to like. It expands and it adapts.

To let go of a child, a body changes, too. It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.

The drive home alone without them is the worst. And the first few days. But then it gets better. The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.

Life does go on.

Can you give me a ride to the mall?" Mom, make him stop!" I don't miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee. But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine."

Beautifully put.

ssd · 20/02/2024 08:46

I feel really fragile today. I woke up with a strange sore head on one side at the back. Not all the time, just like little spasms sometimes. Probably coming from my neck, i went swimming yesterday. But my anxiety is gone into overdrive and sent me down the usual route of panicking its something serious.
I need to stop this, its so bloody debilitating. I feel a complete idiot. I don't tell anyone incase they look worried for me and i worry even more. Its like a fear of being ill, its just ridiculous. I've taken propranolol but it doesn't change the thoughts.

Aaarrrggghhhh

longpathtohappiness · 20/02/2024 14:25

TotalOverhaul great ideas, I've made a note. Where do find free online degrees?

ssd sorry to hear this. Hugs

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TotalOverhaul · 20/02/2024 15:23

longpathtohappiness · 20/02/2024 14:25

TotalOverhaul great ideas, I've made a note. Where do find free online degrees?

ssd sorry to hear this. Hugs

Ah, they aren't degrees. They are more like taster courses. Most unis run them, from Harvard and Yale to the Open University. The ones I've done are mini-modules, usually pre-filmed 10 minute lectures followed by online exercises. They aren't marked - there's no tutor interaction, though you can interact with fellow students. But they give structured learning. I did one on the life of Shakespeare, one introduction to psychology and one on the science of happiness which included weekly challenges to trial some of the exercises used in scientific experiments to see if they increased your happiness. That one was fun.

Just type 'free online uni course on...' and say what you are interested in - loads of choices will come up.

SarahC50 · 20/02/2024 15:50

@Writingonthewalls what a shitty weekend you had. I too have a difficult mother who regularly upsets me. She is hyper critical and gets worse with age. After COVID I stopped doing the weekly duty phonecall and it is liberating. I email her occasionally but my two sisters who also find her difficult still phone.

No wonder you feel run over. Did you fight with your sibling or are your kids fighting? How many do you have? I have two, one of each x

@ssd poor you anxiety is vile and I too have found it occuring more frequently as I age. It is the most horrible and debilitating feeling. I too catastrophise and am really negative in my self talking. Always had poor self esteem due to difficult childhood and critical mother.

It isn't healthy anxiety I have but everything anxiety. I don't seem resilient or able to cope with anything anymore. Some of it hormonal I'm sure as on day 22 of bleeding. Hope the day has got a bit better xx

longpathtohappiness · 20/02/2024 16:06

So many of us on here with difficult mothers. I don't have any siblings so have had all the critism thrown at me and she has regularly upset me too. She has stage 4 lung cancer now and I'm supporting her through chemo.

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everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 16:09

longpathtihappiness

That sounds hard, supporting someone when they have not always supported you 🙁

I am an only child too which also adds to the pressure!

everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 16:09

Sorry longpathtohappiness

Writingonthewalls · 20/02/2024 16:10

@SarahC50 It was two of my children who fell out. Took them out for dinner as an early birthday treat for one of them and an argument ensued between them which led to one of them storming out. It’s all really upsetting. I have three kids all adults and they all have a lot on their plate at the moment. I seem to end up being the dump for their toxic waste . I’m really tired of it and things have to change. It’s so true we give everything to everyone else and not to ourselves. I will give things to them that I would never think to get for myself. It’s really crazy.
Toxic mothers do so much damage don’t they? I have been NC with mine for extended periods in the past. I find her so so draining.

everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 16:12

writingonthewalls

That sounds hard mediating between three adults, are they talking now?

I know I want my kids to get on but we become powerless to manage their interactions once they are adults 🙁

Writingonthewalls · 20/02/2024 16:16

No the one who walked out has blocked the entire family. It’s really upsetting.

everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 16:17

Blimey, was it over something serious/justified?

Have they done this before?

Hard to deal with for you, perhaps be neutral as far as possible?

Writingonthewalls · 20/02/2024 16:59

No, just doesn’t like to be challenged at all. History of mental health issues which doesn’t help. It’s so unfair. It was between the two siblings, not myself and OH yet he’s blocked everyone. Fell out with other sibling last year over nothing. So sad.

everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 19:02

writingonthewalls

That is so difficult for you, how do his siblings feel?

Writingonthewalls · 20/02/2024 19:34

Sick and tired of it all to be honest. They’ve just had enough.

everythingisgoingup · 20/02/2024 19:37

writingonthewalls

I guess it is their relationship, not yours, although this must be difficult to watch from your point of view 🙁

Writingonthewalls · 20/02/2024 19:42

He’s not talking to any of us. It’s been really upsetting . It’s a long story.

longpathtohappiness · 21/02/2024 13:11

Sigh, DH is off work today and hasn't got off the sofa yet... he is doing less and less on his days off. Just sits or naps... I don't bother ask him to remind/nag that matter to him anymore, just cba. Definitely doing my own thing as time marches on

Writingonthewalls hope you are having a better day today

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SarahC50 · 21/02/2024 19:01

@longpathtohappiness sorry about your mum, you are good supporting her, I'm guessing she isn't mellowing as she goes through her treatment.

So sorry to read so many of us have difficult mothers. I think that is why I really tried so hard to be a good and positive mum to the kids, to be the opposite of her. I do worry I have spoilt them slightly as I would go without and spend on them amounts I wouldn't dream of spending on myself. It is hard to change this mindset and start prioritising ourselves. Iwas labelled difficult from birth by my mother and to this day I am oversensitive etc, I long for the day when I don't have to deal with her and her bile.

@longpathtohappiness I too used to do all the birthdays,organise events and gifts etc. I've just stopped I CBA anymore. His mum's 80th is coming up and I'm having no part of it he can do as much or as little as he wants. Same with Christmas cards I used to send tonnes, suddenly realised most people have cut right back so I have too.

@Writingonthewalls that sounds really difficult and complicated by your ds having had mental health problems. It is really hard not to take it all on and think it is your job to sort it all out. Sorry you are having to deal with it.

My kids also dump all their crap on me and I go into mum solution mode trying to sort it all then they go mad and patronise me. It is really hard to step back, I am trying to do it more.

Had a really difficult few days with DD. I really feel due to COVID her maturity is stuck three to four years younger. She is nearly twenty and acts like a moody and entitled 16 year old. She is very difficult and scathing. Both me and my DH find her behaviour hurtful and upsetting and look forward to it improving.

It is all so bloody hard and exhausting isn't it.

Writingonthewalls · 21/02/2024 20:38

Sarah I could have written most of your post myself. I did the same with my kids, probably doing far too much, spending too much etc in an effort to compensate. It hasn’t really worked. Neglecting myself in the process. I was used to doing without!
Totally share your feelings about your mother and could have written the same things about mine.

I have gained a different perspective on things somehow today. No more desperately trying to sort out sibling issues, trying to make everyone happy, taking responsibility for everything that goes wrong. No more trying to be the Waltons! It’s eating me up and I’m going to step back. They are all old enough to take responsibility for their own lives. They phone me to sound off about their problems constantly then accuse me of being anxious or over invested in them! I can’t win. It’s all one way traffic and it’s got to stop.

Haffdonga · 21/02/2024 22:34

I'm sorry for those struggling with difficult parent relationships and/or difficult dc dynamics. My parents aren't difficult in that way - just in the being in their nineties and no longer being who they once were way. I'm an only child too and I really wish I had a sibling who could share the point of view of having known them since childhood. Dh just thinks I'm lucky because my parents are still with us just , when his no longer are.

I think being an only child myself has definitely made my empty nest syndrome more acute. I've always harboured secret fantasies of a being in a big noisy laughing house full of dogs, grandchildren and random relatives who live round the corner popping round for Sunday lunch. There is no chance of this ever happening.

People saying that now is the time of life to do things for me to make myself happy are right of course. But if what makes me really happy is being with family then it's not so simple.

longpathtohappiness · 22/02/2024 08:18

SarahC50 the problem is that the mental load of the kids is firmly with me... sigh... I'm a rubbish friend as I'm having to spin so many plates at the moment and my mind is overloaded.

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