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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

OP posts:
Laburnam · 17/02/2024 15:45

I think we do lose ourselves and the purpose and drive that we used to have, now we are able to re pursue what was once our purpose and find it’s no longer going to work, a sense of missing the boat and wondering what our new purpose should be?

Writingonthewalls · 17/02/2024 16:33

Haffdonga · 17/02/2024 10:54

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. 🙂
It's a funny sort of mixed bag of emotions, isn't it? Because we should be (and are) so happy that our dc have launched and become happy successful adults. Dh and I tell each other often how lucky we are and we wouldn't want it any other way.
But I'm struggling stupidly to make my mindset match these facts. I'm making the efforts people mention - HRT, hobbies, holidays. But can't stop myself thinking 'I'm doing this to keep occupied while they're away' instead of 'I'm doing this for ME'. Frankly ds1 and 2 are better company than dh (or me) and I enjoy them being around for their conversation and humour, so daily 'life' and even holidays all feels a bit drab without them. I can't stop myself counting down the weeks/ months until they might pop back for a quick visit.
No wonder their eyes glaze over when they ask about home and I tell them about grandpa's new Zimmer frame or how the window cleaner keeps missing bits!!

All so true. I really relate to all of this.

Haffdonga · 17/02/2024 18:17

everythingisgoingup · 17/02/2024 14:38

It is like you should be free and can do anything but have forgotten how to be you 🙁

My parents are now becoming more like children but I don't have the energy!

Those of you taking HRT has it helped?

I believe HRT has made a big difference to me. I think I feel physically and mentally better than I did before, but the changes are subtle and of course it could all be placebo effect. I have no idea how I'd be feeling if I wasn't on it!

ssd · 17/02/2024 21:55

I tried HRT, I found it was amazing the first couple of months, then i went back to feeling the same as always and i started having side effects i didn't like at all so i came off it. Going by my friends, its a bit hit and miss. Certainly worth a try though.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 18/02/2024 07:38

DH has bought a new set of brushes especially to wash his car wheels..... meanwhile DC are in 20s and growing up quickly... my mood swings are all over place, my mum is poorly. Virtual hugs needed

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 18/02/2024 08:25

You have to start doing things for yourself. Hobbies, volunteering, anything!

Are you just used to acts of service for others and now no one to serve?

Go have fun!

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 18/02/2024 09:09

SwordToFlamethrower trying to have fun, but grief hits me in waves

OP posts:
ilovebrie8 · 18/02/2024 10:08

@longpathtohappiness do you have a job?

It keeps you engaged with others and something to think about etc find something part time if you are not in work or volunteer?

ssd · 18/02/2024 10:22

Are you just used to acts of service for others and now no one to serve?

Oohh, that sort of sums me up a bit. I'm trying to serve myself more, but it doesn't fulfill me as much. Not sure why.

ssd · 18/02/2024 10:22

Hugs to you @longpathtohappiness 🌺

Lentilweaver · 18/02/2024 12:00

To be perfectly honest-and I know I may be out of step with the thread- I am not that keen on serving anyone else in my family any more. I have done my time. My oestrogen has disappeard, and the nurturing gene has dwindled.

DH is a workaholic in a very busy job, so he is working this Sunday. DS and DD are frantically busy with uni assignments over Reading Week. It's raining. So I am off to the pub with some virtual strangers ( people from my book club). Would I prefer to be with my family? Yes, perhaps, but they aren't available, so I am not going to hang around waiting for them. At least one of my DC can be quite grumpy when stressed, so I guess they aren't as good company as some of yours!

SirChenjins · 18/02/2024 14:21

I am not that keen on serving anyone else in my family any more. I have done my time. My oestrogen has disappeard, and the nurturing gene has dwindled

Absolutely this. I struggle to care about their dramas, cba with housework or cooking, and really just to fuck off to a remote cottage with my dog.

Haffdonga · 18/02/2024 14:59

To be perfectly honest-and I know I may be out of step with the thread- I am not that keen on serving anyone else in my family any more

I don't think that's too far out of step with me anyway. I'm perfectly happy not to 'service' my family any more. If fact I agree with someone up thread (sorry, can't find you now) who said they'd like to be looked after a bit themselves now. Me too. I always get ridiculously over-invested in Mothers Day fantasising that someone will give me a big Man hug and say Put your feet up , Mum. I'll make you a cup of tea. In fact I usually count myself lucky to get a text saying Happy Mothers Day (No kiss. My boys don't do demonstrations of affection!). I want to be appreciated! (I recognise this should be read in a pathetic whiny me-me-me voice)

@ssd said you mentioned being jealous of the families who have the type of adult dc that live round the corner and pop in. Me too, especially those with grandchildren. But both my ds live hours away and likely will be moving to Australia in the next few years so it really does feel like I need to pull my socks up and follow all the sensible advice to do stuff for me. I must stop basing my future plans around Waltons style fantasies.

Off for a walk with dh now. It's a nice sunny day and I know I'll feel better for it.

FrenchandSaunders · 18/02/2024 16:15

Is anyone else drinking rather too much during this phase of life? My wine drinking has crept up and seems to have got worse since both DDs have left home. Not sure if it’s boredom, although I work and have friends/hobbies or just habit. Unfortunately DH is the same.

I suggested a walk earlier as it’s a nice day but just knew it would involve a pub … it shouldn't have to.

Writingonthewalls · 18/02/2024 16:24

SirChenjins · 18/02/2024 14:21

I am not that keen on serving anyone else in my family any more. I have done my time. My oestrogen has disappeard, and the nurturing gene has dwindled

Absolutely this. I struggle to care about their dramas, cba with housework or cooking, and really just to fuck off to a remote cottage with my dog.

Another one with the remote cottage fantasy!! I also couldn’t care less about housework and cooking anymore. I really struggle to do the basics.

ilovebrie8 · 18/02/2024 17:49

Lol that’s me I cba with housework , cooking etc v hard to get motivated i thinks it’s age too…my get up and go has got up and gone 😳

Haffdonga · 18/02/2024 18:19

@llongpathtohappiness
Sorry to hear about your mum's cancer. That must be really tough to deal with. You know it's vital to keep looking after yourself when looking after someone else, I hope. Otherwise you end up running on empty.
Easier said than done though. My dad is currently nearing end of life but I'm ashamed to say it hasn't stopped me giving him a proper tongue lashing when he started spouting some unacceptable comments the other day. It's a complicated bag of emotions and not helped by the post menopausal symptom of giving less of a fuck about what other people think.
Solidarity sister.

ssd · 18/02/2024 19:11

I swing between wanting to look after the dcs and being upset they don't need me, to not wanting to do a bloody thing for any bugger. I'm never the same 2 days in a row. Thankfully dh doesn't seem to notice.
As for drink, i can't handle it anymore, especially wine. 2 drinks is my limit, I'm a total lightweight now. Even like half a glass of wine gives me a headache the next day. Its pathetic.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 19/02/2024 09:44

Yes yes yes to all if the above. DH said to me that he can't handle my mood swings, ha ha you should try being me love!! I feel very indifferent towards him at the moment, not sure if it is menopause, I certainly cba with all his dramas. I used to be the dutiful wife, sorting out birthday and Christmas presents for his side of the family. Seriously cba anymore. His mum was nagging him for something, I stayed right out of it where as before i would have made an effort to make sure it gets done. I don't even bother keeping in touch with his sisters now, and we were quite close before.

ssd my mum is end of life, I've started the grieving process, saw her yesterday with the intention of trying to rebuild bridges before it is too late but ended up with her giving me a tongue lashing and me sobbing quietly in her kitchen where she couldn't see me due to the feelings towards DH at the moment.

OP posts:
ssd · 19/02/2024 09:59

@longpathtohappiness , its a lot to cope with at once. You have my sympathy. Have you tried posting on the elderly parents board yet, its good to find like minded souls.

Does anyone else here have health anxiety? I seem to have had it since mum started going downhill. And that was years ago. I constantly fixate on something going wrong with my body and immediately catastrophise. My dad was a real worrier about his health and told me too much (I was the youngest and still at home) and i seem to have become like him. I've looked into the reasons but i can't seem to stop it. I looked after mum for years and i think i seen too much and now panic about myself getting ill and going downhill and my life being all about being ill. Its like I've shifted the worry about dad, then mum, onto me. I don't know why. I've had cbt, therapy, god knows what else but nothing seems to make a difference to me.

Its just shit.

Writingonthewalls · 19/02/2024 10:08

I think as you get older you feel more vulnerable. We see elderly parents struggling , our kids distance themselves, our partners become more closed off and preoccupied with their own concerns. We don’t have work to distract us when retired. We have less energy and the world seems an increasingly scary place. Add in moving house or to a different area, losing friends because we no longer have anything in common etc, it’s hard.

My mother visited at the weekend and I ended up leaving the room in tears too after she said something particularly nasty. I have never got on with her . I just need a hug and some kindness. Eldest child visited for a few days because here with work. Had a huge row with sibling. Sibling has ‘blocked’ the whole family. Eldest has disappeared to leave us to pick up the pieces. I feel like I’ve been run over.

TotalOverhaul · 19/02/2024 11:55

ilovebrie8 · 18/02/2024 17:49

Lol that’s me I cba with housework , cooking etc v hard to get motivated i thinks it’s age too…my get up and go has got up and gone 😳

Oh God, the cooking. I am DONE with it. DH does nearly all the cooking these days. I get hauled out for any big family celebrations, but day to day, he cooks. If he didn't, I'd rotate about 3 5-minute recipes.

TotalOverhaul · 19/02/2024 12:02

ssd · 17/02/2024 12:25

It really really does. Sometimes i get frustrated on mn by people assuming now your kids are grown you have all this spare cash. We don't and never did. It kind of makes you feel lonelier than you do. I had my mum to look after when my kids were small, ds's were 8 and 6, mum was 80. There was no help with either. Dh working shifts. Siblings far too busy and far away to care. So my career totally stalled and now there's no big pension or inheritance to back up my dreams. Both our parents were in council housing, which was handed back when they died.

It is what it is, I'm not complaining. Its just life. But some times mn just feels full of the better off and its hard to fit in.

Show quote history

This is very important. I have a big thing about ensuring my happiness is never centred around things that need a lot of cash.

But I do think, even on a zero budget, we can still re-evaluate our lives and create new projects. We should allow ourselves to use that time which used to be devoted to our children, and devote it to ourselves instead.

Free fun for me includes:

Online yoga with Adrienne
Online kettlebells with Amy
Other random weight training, bodyweight training classes I like the look of.
Walking in nature and really slowing to noticing the sky, the shifting seasons, getting a sense of awe, now that there is no child to say Mummy mummy or no teen to offload all their emotions for free mum-therapy.
Free online uni courses
Free self-help and life-coaching workbooks
TED talks and other free online lectures
Journalling
Reading in the bath or reading in bed

Does anyone else have ideas for fun and development at low or no cost?

ssd · 19/02/2024 12:30

Great suggestions there @TotalOverhaul . I also love swimming but i need the car to get there and we all share 1 car here which is frankly a pain in the arse. And outdoor swimming in the warmer weather is glorious.

Unfortunately after years of looking for free stuff with the kids i want treats nowGrin

Writingonthewalls · 19/02/2024 12:39

To be honest I just love nature. I would be quite happy pottering in the garden, walking in lovely spots with no people, wild swimming. I was really happy during lockdown to have all the traffic, noise and pollution diminish. I enjoyed cooking, I felt far more chilled. Now things are back to normal I find fighting through traffic and the endless stress overwhelming. I need to live somewhere more peaceful and plan to do so later this year.