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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

OP posts:
ssd · 11/02/2024 21:39

I seen this somewhere online, it sums it up

"My local paper in the US has printed this every year since 2006 at this time of year (back to college time). It sums it up for me.

"I wasn't wrong about their leaving. My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn't the end of the world when first one child, then another , and then the last packed their bags and left for college.

But it was the end of something. Can you pick me up, Mom?" What's for dinner?" ``What do you think?"

I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, non stop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.

And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.

And then they were gone, one after the other.

``They'll be back," my husband said. And he was right. They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals -- not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars.

Always is what you miss. Always knowing where they are. At school. At play practice. At a ballgame. At a friend's. Always looking at the clock mid day and anticipating the door opening, the sigh, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. How was school?" answered for years in too much detail. And then he said . . . and then I said to him. . . ." Then hardly answered at all.

Always, knowing his friends.

Her favorite show.

What he had for breakfast.

What she wore to school.

What he thinks.

How she feels.

My friend Beth's twin girls left for Roger Williams yesterday. They are her fourth and fifth children. She's been down this road three times before. You'd think it would get easier.

``I don't know what I'm going to do without them," she has said every day for months.

And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?

A chapter ends. Another chapter begins. One door closes and another door opens. The best thing a parent can give their child is wings. I read all these things when my children left home and thought then what I think now: What do these words mean?

Eighteen years isn't a chapter in anyone's life. It's a whole book, and that book is ending and what comes next is connected to, but different from, everything that has gone before.

Before was an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager. Before was feeding and changing and teaching and comforting and guiding and disciplining, everything hands -on. Now?

Now the kids are young adults and on their own and the parents are on the periphery, and it's not just a chapter change. It's a sea change.

As for a door closing? Would that you could close a door and forget for even a minute your children and your love for them and your fear for them, too. And would that they occupied just a single room in your head. But they're in every room in your head and in your heart.

As for the wings analogy? It's sweet. But children are not birds. Parents don't let them go and build another nest and have all new offspring next year.

Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem. Because that's what going to college is. It's goodbye.

It's not a death. And it's not a tragedy.

But it's not nothing, either.

To grow a child, a body changes. It needs more sleep. It rejects food it used to like. It expands and it adapts.

To let go of a child, a body changes, too. It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.

The drive home alone without them is the worst. And the first few days. But then it gets better. The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.

Life does go on.

Can you give me a ride to the mall?" Mom, make him stop!" I don't miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee. But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine."

Writingonthewalls · 11/02/2024 21:42

Aw! That’s lovely to read. I haven’t seen my son in weeks. He doesn’t seem to want to visit much and often cancels at the last minute. I have been thinking i should take him for lunch but he’s often rude and dismissive. Maybe I should just do it.
Hope you have a lovely time coming up.
I’ve felt very very low and demotivated. A long walk is the only thing that’s made me feel better this week. I need to do more exercise.

ssd · 11/02/2024 21:42

He sounds like he's doing great @Lentilweaver ..glad you had a good visit. And it sounds like you have a nice weekend to look forward to. I have a few days out coming up in the next few weeks, these keep us going don't they.

TotalOverhaul · 12/02/2024 06:07

@ssd, that gave me a lump in my throat and my eyes are stinging, even though my youngest graduated this year, so they haven't been living at home full time for over three years. But they are now gone in some fundamental way. And despite all the new free time, all the 'fun' things we can choose to do to fill it will never feel as purposeful, as valuable, as central in our lives.

Lentilweaver · 12/02/2024 08:14

And sometimes it feels no one is carrying us. I just want to be hugged and fed and looked after sometimes but I'm the one who does the hugging and feeding and shoring people up....its shit being the strong one.

Totally get this. And feel like this often. My solution is to look after myself and arrange little treats for myself. Obviously this is tougher if you are skint, but even a bar of good chocolate perhaps. Or a long bubble bath ( I finally have time for these). My main focus is to distance myself from the DC and focus on myself and what I would like.

I am also very vocal with Dh about what I need. Like my birthday is coming up and I have told him I expect to be spoilt. Not materially, but I expect him to remember and arrange a nice dinner out with the Dc. He is not much of a one for birthdays, so I need to tell him clearly that they are important for me.

ssd · 12/02/2024 11:38

I'm sitting somewhere having a nice tea and cake. Its the sort of thing you dream about when the kids were small and you didn't get a minute to yourself. Now I've got all these minutes and i don't know how to fill them.
I'm jealous of women my age who's kids still live at home or live nearby them. Especially daughters that seem to pop home all the time. I was one of those daughters, i went home every week. No one made me, i just wanted to. Now i have sons making their own way in the world and i rarely hear from them. Its just so different to how i was. Yet I'm glad they are so independent. My friends all seem to have daughters to visit or go out with and I'm always wandering alone, like today. I know the grass is always greener, i shouldn't complain. My boys are both doing great and they are both lovely. I guess they just aren't needy like me. Thank god.

longpathtohappiness · 12/02/2024 17:05

ssd it is soo bleak this age and stage. After 20 years of putting DC first.... sigh... pretty sure my DD won't keep in touch as she hates me... 😒 🙄 I would walk over hot coals for her.

Time to focus on ourselves 😄

OP posts:
AnotherdayinMay · 14/02/2024 21:40

Writingonthewalls · 11/02/2024 21:42

Aw! That’s lovely to read. I haven’t seen my son in weeks. He doesn’t seem to want to visit much and often cancels at the last minute. I have been thinking i should take him for lunch but he’s often rude and dismissive. Maybe I should just do it.
Hope you have a lovely time coming up.
I’ve felt very very low and demotivated. A long walk is the only thing that’s made me feel better this week. I need to do more exercise.

My son is exactly the same. It’s been like this for a few years now. I always thought we’d we close, yeah I got that wrong!
My daughter is still at home (well, sometimes) we hardly chat, has her own life.
I was so very different, always nipping back to see my parents. I guess I assumed I’d get the same. I’m working on getting myself out with the dog nowadays. It’s nice to chat to folk as I walk along.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 14/02/2024 22:26

Yes, I had visions of a close relationship with my adult children - lots of visits, birthdays, Christmas holidays together. Not yet. Maybe things will change in the future.

Writingonthewalls · 14/02/2024 22:56

longpathtohappiness · 12/02/2024 17:05

ssd it is soo bleak this age and stage. After 20 years of putting DC first.... sigh... pretty sure my DD won't keep in touch as she hates me... 😒 🙄 I would walk over hot coals for her.

Time to focus on ourselves 😄

I feel your pain. I have had a very difficult relationship with mine. It made me very sad. However in the past few months things have turned around, so don’t give up hope. Life happens and they see things differently sometimes.

Writingonthewalls · 14/02/2024 22:58

AnotherdayinMay · 14/02/2024 21:40

My son is exactly the same. It’s been like this for a few years now. I always thought we’d we close, yeah I got that wrong!
My daughter is still at home (well, sometimes) we hardly chat, has her own life.
I was so very different, always nipping back to see my parents. I guess I assumed I’d get the same. I’m working on getting myself out with the dog nowadays. It’s nice to chat to folk as I walk along.

It hurts doesn’t it?

Lentilweaver · 15/02/2024 15:17

My DD is still at home, but hardly speaks to me and spends most days in her room talking to friends online. We have a bumpy relationship. Sometimes she's lovely, sometimes not. We have many common interests though.

I adore my mum, after having a bumpy relationship in my teens and early twenties. I now realise how hard it is to be a parent.

Haffdonga · 15/02/2024 23:41

Hello, can I join you? I read through this thread this morning and so much of it resonated. I can tick so many boxes you've mentioned - 2 ds in their twenties living full exciting lives with apparently very little interest in parents and 'home' - tick. Menopause 'blues' - tick. An introverted dh spending time on his solitary hobbies - tick. Crumbling very elderly parents - tick. Even losing much loved old family dog - tick. Sad

I look at my life now and every single aspect of it is entirely based around being mum to those two. Where we live (the type of house in the right catchment but actually we're stuck in a house bigger than we need in a boring suburb); the job I do (part-time, flexible, local but actually boring and I stagnated in my career and missed out on opportunities to keep the family friendly aspect); even the car we drive (economical but boot big enough for helping with uni trips and house moves).

And then after 25 odd years of building this life, brutally suddenly it's all completely needless, and I'm finding myself floundering a bit trying to re-structure my life around myself and dh instead of them.

So good to hear from others who understand.

Writingonthewalls · 16/02/2024 00:14

@Haffdonga welcome to the club!
I’ve just been having a conversation with my eldest. Impressing upon me the need to ‘get a life’ for myself and stop basing my identity around them.

I laughed at what you said about your car. We need a new one and rather than get a smaller more economical car, I still feel the need to have the space for helping the offspring move flats and take things to them on long car journeys! It’s mad isn’t it!!

everythingisgoingup · 16/02/2024 07:18

Haffdonga
Welcome, so much you have said is familiar, just bought a new car and (like you) went for one that fits the family 😂

Even the house, good catchment, but dull ,dull, dull and even the job flexible but lacking in opportunity 🙁

ssd · 16/02/2024 07:40

Welcome @Haffdonga ..so much of what you wrote resonates with me too. Almost everything really. I dont have my parents now, i went through the elderly parents stage when mine were small and i had 2 siblings older than me who had no interest and friends who had parents who helped out and babysat. I was so alone i started the elderly parents section on mn, which is still going strong. Its a whole other thing in itself without everything else thrown in.
So many of us seem to feel the same here, i appreciate this thread so much too.

Lentilweaver · 16/02/2024 09:59

Oh god elderly parents. I am going to be there in a couple of years with my mum. Whole other challenge.

toomuchlaundry · 16/02/2024 10:15

@Haffdonga your post really resonates. Have an elderly parent, who requires a bag load of medication from the pharmacist every month although at the moment is reasonably independent but is in their 90s. DB hasn’t been seen for dust when it comes to any caring duties. Also have an elderly dog who has health issues and is very much on borrowed time 😔

DC at university and enjoying, so can’t ask for anything more where he is concerned. But I am struggling with the thought of the next few years

Lentilweaver · 16/02/2024 10:51

I think perhaps this stage is very different for those who have spare money and those who do not. I am lucky enough to have some spare money to go out, travel and do hobbies; not a great deal but I spend very little on clothes, shoes or makeup as I am more interested in experiences. And as I said, there is lots to do free in London.

Polgara2 · 16/02/2024 10:59

I wish there was a like option for posts! Just yes to everything you are all saying still 🫤
I actually can't believe this is so hard and how, as I have said before, unimportant and invisible I feel.

SarahC50 · 16/02/2024 12:46

Welcome @Haffdonga I love your username. I agree and feel everything you have said. Everything in my life is geared up and around the kids, suddenly they are both at uni and bang I am floundering.
It is a really difficult time of change xx

Haffdonga · 17/02/2024 10:54

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. 🙂
It's a funny sort of mixed bag of emotions, isn't it? Because we should be (and are) so happy that our dc have launched and become happy successful adults. Dh and I tell each other often how lucky we are and we wouldn't want it any other way.
But I'm struggling stupidly to make my mindset match these facts. I'm making the efforts people mention - HRT, hobbies, holidays. But can't stop myself thinking 'I'm doing this to keep occupied while they're away' instead of 'I'm doing this for ME'. Frankly ds1 and 2 are better company than dh (or me) and I enjoy them being around for their conversation and humour, so daily 'life' and even holidays all feels a bit drab without them. I can't stop myself counting down the weeks/ months until they might pop back for a quick visit.
No wonder their eyes glaze over when they ask about home and I tell them about grandpa's new Zimmer frame or how the window cleaner keeps missing bits!!

ssd · 17/02/2024 12:25

Lentilweaver · 16/02/2024 10:51

I think perhaps this stage is very different for those who have spare money and those who do not. I am lucky enough to have some spare money to go out, travel and do hobbies; not a great deal but I spend very little on clothes, shoes or makeup as I am more interested in experiences. And as I said, there is lots to do free in London.

It really really does. Sometimes i get frustrated on mn by people assuming now your kids are grown you have all this spare cash. We don't and never did. It kind of makes you feel lonelier than you do. I had my mum to look after when my kids were small, ds's were 8 and 6, mum was 80. There was no help with either. Dh working shifts. Siblings far too busy and far away to care. So my career totally stalled and now there's no big pension or inheritance to back up my dreams. Both our parents were in council housing, which was handed back when they died.

It is what it is, I'm not complaining. Its just life. But some times mn just feels full of the better off and its hard to fit in.

longpathtohappiness · 17/02/2024 13:53

Feeling guilty that I gave DM a hard time when I was in my 20s, obviously didn't understand at that age how hard this stage was. Married DH in late 20s, she hated DH and made things difficult for me. She is very poorly with cancer now and looks worse every time I see her. I'm feeling a bit meh about DH at the moment, so guilt is really stacking up

OP posts:
everythingisgoingup · 17/02/2024 14:38

It is like you should be free and can do anything but have forgotten how to be you 🙁

My parents are now becoming more like children but I don't have the energy!

Those of you taking HRT has it helped?

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