coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

@Lentilweaver It’s extremely tough finding work it took my hundreds of applications it’s grim …your DD has to try to keep plugging away and not take it too personally but it’s hard not to 😞. I was at my wits end. It’s not her it’s the state of the country at the moment. Everything seems extra difficult at moment…life used to be easier I swear it was never this tough. Don’t know what has gone so wrong but modern life seems so blooming difficult 😞

I felt very bleak yesterday - decided I was a fat, underachieving failure who would never amount to anything and now it's too late, living vicariously through DC.

Today I feel a bit better and although there is a fair amount of painful truth in that evaluation, when I feel perkier, I know any effort I make will improve my life and that it's worth doing.

Yes, those have been my thoughts about myself too. It’s hard isn’t it? You’re right though, best to focus on what we can achieve now.

This is so true. Give your DD a big hug @Lentilweaver and tell her not to give up. I feel really sorry for young people these days. It’s a grim world . All of my DC are struggling and I feel for them so much.

Thanks both. I do feel sorry for my DC and a bit guilty too. I think I strayed from the main purpose of the thread, sorry!

I wish we could all meet for coffee too.@TotalOverhaul we are so cruel to ourselves aren't we, I often label myself a fat failure.

Shit day drove five hour round trip to see son 21 who was inconvenienced by our visit despite us being over to do a favour for him. He was sullen and disinterested and clearly wanted to be doing something else.

Discarded is the word I keep coming back to, that is how I feel no longer useful and discarded.

What about renting an air b and b for a long weekend? Or signing up for a yoga retreat?

So I have decided to try and learn how to play a musical instrument - weekly lessons and practice every day for 30 mins. I am exploring with a couple of online teachers, but hope to get going well ahead of the Summer. (Flute as I want something easily portable). Il

@Lentilweaver World events seem quite out of control. The UK is grim, all the public services seems close to collapse. It feels definitely is much more difficult to get the basics (of a place to call home and a reasonably well paying permanent job) than it was back in the 80's and 90's when I was trying to get my life sorted.

@SarahC50 young adults can be quite self centred at times. It's a long way to go to be treated like that. I know what that feels like - had a similar reception from one of mine after a very long difficult journey to help them. Felt like a slap in the face at the time. Hugs.

AHH you're all such lovely mums. My last boy flew the nest for university met a girl first week. Five years later they're living together happily. My husband retired, an arthritic hip appeared and other health issues. So I'm glad he's only a visitor now. It's exhausting hosting them both.

Seize the day while you can for yourselves.

@WmFnKdSg1234 thankyou for the hugs. He is 21 and yes at that age so self centred, horrible to be made to feel you are an inconvenience to them.

Good on you learning a new instrument. I just CBA doing anything even things I know I enjoy and feel better after doing. My attitude is woeful. I'm currently on the sofa with a flooding period. Getting them every twenty days FFS it is awful. Hoping to avoid hrt due to sister having had breast cancer.

I think I must be hell to live with I'm so stressed and irritable and hormonal. I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. My poor husband I am just horrible to him all the time.

Does anyone else feel their capacity to cope with stressful events is zilch. My car died had to be recovered and now scrapped. I feel overwhelmed with the admin and dealing with the call centres and insurance. I used to be able and capable, I just don't have the capacity to cope with anything now. Anyone else feel like this? Xx

SarahC50 sorry to hear about your car 🚗 🙁

I know what you mean about coping,sometimes even the smallest thing is too much, although having issues with your car pretty major(be kind go yourself 😊).

Periods are horrific with flooding, take it easy if you can.

I find sleep deprivation the worst makes me unable to function properly the next day 😡

You are not alone (sorry for the cliche)

Sorry for typos SarahC50 using phone 🙄

@everythingisgoingup thankyou for your kindness and understanding. It makes all the difference to know I am not alone in feeling this way xx

I can really relate Sarah. It’s tough. You aren’t alone.

@Writingonthewalls thankyou, that means do much. I'm in bed crying and I don't really know why. Just miserable and can't get going. Cancelled helping at an event, I am my own worst enemy x

SarahC50 I've been crying today too, been blaming the weather, the hormones etc etc cba to do anything. I usually have so much get and go but DH is really irritating me and I've had enough

Solidarity sisters!

My turn to be miserable this weekend after a good start to the month.
We were meant to take DS's bike and some stuff to him today, plus have dinner- so doing him a favour- but he's been very offhand about it, and apparently he has no time for dinner. Anyway, my whole day has gone in working around times when he will be in, so I just felt very much taken for granted and have now told DH to go and deliver the bike tomorrow. He's not usually self centred. DD also apparently has time to chat all day on the phone with her friends moaning about the state of the world, but no time for me.

Tomorrow I am going out on my own and leaving them all to it. I keep telling myself I don't need validation from my DC; I am enough in myself.

Hugs and many coffees to us all. I hate hearing of nice people being miserable, its so bloody unfair. We do our best!!! I wish we could all meet up too, not a big thing, just pop round for a chat or a walk between rain showers. Just to clear our heads and feel a bit of empathy and solace. Its difficult being a woman of this age...and stage. Its just difficult. We carry everything, even when we shouldn't. And sometimes it feels no one is carrying us. I just want to be hugged and fed and looked after sometimes but I'm the one who does the hugging and feeding and shoring people up....its shit being the strong one.

Yes this is exactly how I feel too.

@Lentilweaver it is such bad behaviour isn't it. That is exactly what my son was like the other weekend. You are very much an inconvenience to be slotted into his busy life. Leaves you feeling crap. Hope you managed to do something nice today.

@ssd it is a difficult time and phase in our lives. Adjusting to no longer parenting and prioritising the kids after 20 odd years of putting them first. Adjusting to hormones changing. Adjusting to the new relationship with your husband. Adjusting to the loss of lots of school mum friends.
It really is a difficult time and we shouldn't minimise it. Very thankful for this space where I can talk to like minded women. Hopefully in time we will get our mojo or purpose back x

SarahC50 it really is a hard time of life, lots of adjusting

I'm finding the adjustment hard too.

It just feels like something else I have to organise.

I want someone to come along and do it for me.

I'm sick of pulling myself up by the bootstraps.

Dh was talking about all the wellness talk you hear these days. He was saying how he doesn't understand it, how people are less resilient these days. Basically how wellness is a load of crap.

Part of me agrees with him but the bigger part of me reads everything i can about wellness and tries to apply it to myself to help my mental health. But i never tell anyone, especially him, just put on the brave face we all know.

ssd yep 100% - thank goodness for this thread 😃

Well. I actually had a very good day. Apologies if I sound smug, but just wanted to share that there is hope! I decided to visit DS after all, choking down my annoyance, and as it turned out, he was much cheerier and politer today.

He is in a shared flat, mostly visits us, so this was the first time I visited. I expected it to be a pit. But he has kept it really beautifully. It was clean, neat, and he has done it up really well. The bathroom was spotless! He is also in the top 5% of his class at uni in a very punishing course. I felt really proud at having raised a son who is adulting so well. He explained that he has been a bit distracted because he has been applying for summer internships and they are really competitive, plus frequent tests. So I forgave him. We had a nice lunch out and I didn't feel like an inconvenience. He thanked me for bringing the bike too.

Having said that, next weekend I have planned my own entertainment as can;t expect DC to hang out with us two weekends in a row. I am going to a play on Saturday with a new friend I only met a few months ago. And a pub quiz on Sunday with a bunch of mostly strangers in one of my hobby clubs. Also planning to go to the new Bob Marley movie with DH on the Friday night. That should keep me busy and not overthinking!