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Original poster

coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

OP posts:
ssd · 28/01/2024 22:19

Don't know whats wrong with me today. I feel quite lonely. It feels like everyone has something to do or someone to see except me. Dh busy yesterday with football then watching football today. Ds lives 100s miles away with his own life, other ds mainly in his room or with his gf. Which is how it should be, but its lonely. Ive texted a couple of friends this weekend and they've read it but not replied.

Just feel a bit alone and sad.

Hope tomorrow is better x

Writingonthewalls · 29/01/2024 05:52

I felt the same. OH busy with his hobby all day. I have decided to move closer to DC . Can’t go on like this. OH has friends and is more settled but prepared to move for my sake. I need a fresh start somewhere else .

Lentilweaver · 29/01/2024 07:46

I am fairly sure at least one of my DC will emigrate if he can. The other DC may move out of London given rents. I will hate that, but am preparing for that because I can't do much about it. My own mum lives in another country.

DH came on a long walk with me yesterday and out to lunch. I am grateful he doesn't have a time consuming hobby. Tried to persuade DD but she didn't want to.

I would just say that friends can often tend to be flaky this time of life, which is why I also go to hobby groups. At least someone in the group wil turn up.

SarahC50 · 29/01/2024 10:20

@ssd I hate that messages read and not acknowledged. How busy are people to not bother to reply with a few words. So rude and inconsiderate.
I sent a msg to one friend on Christmas Eve and she still hasn't replied. It is so hurtful and makes you wonder why you bother.

Sorry you are feeling lonely, that is a horrible feeling xxx

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 29/01/2024 16:43

Lentilweaver I'm finding friends flaky too. I have joined a few groups locally as DH is an extreme extrovert/homebody so can't rely on him. DC do their own thing now so I'm trying to carve out my own hobbies etc with mixed success

OP posts:
Writingonthewalls · 29/01/2024 17:48

I think the flakiness is post Covid burnout. I have noticed it too.

ssd · 29/01/2024 18:51

Thanks @SarahC50

I think a lot of women are just very self absorbed. I don't know if i come across as someone who doesn't care, but i do. I have one friend who is super busy all December and January then contacts me mid February. And I'm always looking for company so i put up with it. Which is pretty sad really.
I just hate how it makes me feel, its like being last pick at rounders..

everythingisgoingup · 29/01/2024 20:36

Flaky friends omg this has been my experience, people 'too busy' or cancelling at the last minute.

DH not bothered, one child has flown the other is teen doing GCSEs and truculent and desperate to leave home

Trying to find new friends but it is hard my longer term ones have dwindled now I am not doing the running

It has all just happened but it sounds like the pandemic has exacerbated problem Flowers

colouringindoors · 29/01/2024 20:58

@everythingisgoingup I can relate... I've had one friend of over a decade dump me, another I see rarely. Am trying to meet new people but friendships take time to establish. Separated from mad ex, one dc at home also doing gcses...

everythingisgoingup · 29/01/2024 21:32

colourindoors

Sad feeling I find, my old school friend dumped me too, I have known her longer than DH

So many sacrifices I never thought I would feel like this in my fifties but I am determined not to dwell and try and forge new friendships 😊

SarahC50 · 30/01/2024 14:13

@ssd how are you feeling as the week progresses? I wouldn't like that being ignored until so called friend has a window for you when you have to be available.

@everythingisgoingup that is really hard I too have lost a nearly 20 year friendship it is so painful and I think you have to grieve for it. I read a cheesy verse about friends for different times in your life and now the kids are away we aren't automatically meeting. I pulled her up on what I felt was bad behaviour, not attending a big silver wedding event for me.

I pointed out that she was my best friend and I would have moved the world for her. and to attend. After some msg I said we would agree to disagree and in time it would be fine. However it wasn't and over two years she has systematically dropped me and my family. I msg her on Christmas Eve and sent a card and she hasn't replied so hard as it is I think we have to accept these relationships are over.

I'm like others trying to make new friends based on this stage in my life and what we have in common. I live really rurally so opportunities are a bit limited, tiny population.

I have two good friends and lots of aquantainces. It is really hard being arsed to make the effort and make plans and try. I do feel better when I do.

Joy of menopause too, I'm 52 and have a period every 22 days FFS constantly bleeding or raging.

Thankful for this thread and everyone one of you who understands and doesn't say get a hobby,enjoy the peace or other Pollyanna statements xxx

Lentilweaver · 30/01/2024 14:15

I find that a lot of people are content with social media friendships these days, and are happy never meeting, but simply "liking" posts on Facebook or Insta. Or sharing memes. I hate those kinds of friendships.

everythingisgoingup · 30/01/2024 19:30

Sarah50
Like you I wonder whether friendships just change. Although I don't understand why people no longer want anything to do with you after so many years 🙁

It is disappointing, I am trying to be stoic about it and meet new people but I am not technically an 'empty nest' with a teen but he has other interests and will fledge soon enough.

ssd · 30/01/2024 19:31

I'm ok thanks @SarahC50 , I've been keeping busy which also helps , and i had a nice lunch and a walk in the fresh air today which was lovely Smile

everythingisgoingup · 30/01/2024 19:32

LentilWeaver
I have never bought in to the social media 'friendships' a bit too shallow/unreal for me I like to go out to do things and meet people.

Polgara2 · 30/01/2024 19:44

Complete agree with the flaky since covid effect on friendships. I used to see twice as many people as i do now. Not incredibly close but meeting up for meals or coffees etc. Now with the few I have left it's always me doing the asking it seems.

ssd · 30/01/2024 20:11

I hate social media with a passion and i think my dcs are very rarely on it too. I know a lot of people enjoy it but I'm an introvert and the thought of laying myself out there, horrifies me.
I don't really have a problem with other friends apart from the one i mentioned. I think it just makes me feel i need her a bit more than she needs me, which doesn't make me feel great.

SarahC50 · 31/01/2024 15:06

@everythingisgoingup yes you think all those years of shared experience and confidences count for something but clearly they don't. I end up feeling I am the problem and am oversensitive.

I don't think solely social media friendships are real but then I come to this thread and find lovely friends, not the same I know but I find it helpful

@ssd has it always felt like there is an imbalance in the friendship. I often feel I am a pest to my friends as I was medically retired from NHS five years ago so I have more time. I volunteer and have my own business but I am not time poor and many of them are x

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 31/01/2024 15:15

DH has the day off today and all he has done is sat on the sofa... I think some of my "mum" friends have fallen by the wayside as I'm on a different path to them now. I am finding myself becoming friends with older and/or single women as women of my age have a DH that is still wants to do things with them.

Tbh, I feel i have been a flaky friend, but the truth of it is, due to my DH becoming more and more introverted/ asleep I am forcing myself into a different friendship circle. The friends that i used to have want to meet up as couples and DH doesn't want to do that so I am left with no option to do my own thing

OP posts:
everythingisgoingup · 31/01/2024 19:15

Sarah50

I start to become slightly insecure thinking it must be me!

Sad
SarahC50 · 01/02/2024 15:07

@longpathtohappiness that sounds difficult. Maybe I've missed and not read it but is there a physical reason your DH doesn't want to do stuff or is it just him.

I fear I'm your DH and mine could write a thread about me. I loathe going out at night, gig,cinema,show whatever I loathe leaving the house at night. Hopefully when it is lighter it will be easier.

@everythingisgoingup I'm the same I think I'm the problem.

Writingonthewalls · 02/02/2024 23:28

How is everyone today? I have felt reasonably cheerful, then went for a long walk and suddenly felt incredibly bleak. I find that happens, just these black moods that come out of nowhere. Sometimes I don’t know what the trigger is.
Thinking of you all and wishing we could meet for a coffee and a chat!

ilovebrie8 · 03/02/2024 11:27

Do you work @Writingonthewalls ?

I find it has been a bit of a saviour takes my mind of stuff and keeps me busy …and learning new stuff which takes a lot longer with meno brain though 🙈

Writingonthewalls · 03/02/2024 15:12

I’m retired now. I don’t think that helps.

Lentilweaver · 03/02/2024 15:23

I am very bleak today as DD has been rejected for a few jobs. God, the economy is so shit. She has been crying, and DH is very detached as usual.