coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

@Writingonthewalls yesss

Marking. Great thread; I identify with a lot said on here. I have gone out and made new friends via Meetup and other groups, and developed new hobbies to fill the void. In fact, I have a thread on making new friends in your 50s ( must update it).

I appreciate it's not that easy for everyone, depending on money, location, jobs and so on. Though most of the stuff I do is free.

LentilWeaver can you link to your thread? 😊

Here it is. Making new friends in 2023 thread: join me? | Mumsnet I should update on my progress. I have been at least partially successful.

In 2023, I was successful in doing at least one thing per week just for myself. Like going to galleries, coffee with a friend, interesting talks, theatre, comedy, weekend break etc. Sometimes Dh or a friend came with me, sometimes I went alone. I am very used to doing stuff alone, including solo travel. I put it in the diary just like I put all the other stuff I do for the family, like shop for groceries or clean the toilets!

I don't want my DC to be my friends; they have their own friends, and busy lives. DD and I have similar interests, so she will come with me sometimes, but not often. DH is my friend, but he is also an introvert with a stressful job, so I have found my own purpose and companionship. I also write books as a side hustle in a niche area, and they are published. I try to stay busy; being idle makes me think too much.

I realise that not everyone can afford to do stuff or get new hobbies in these awful times, but as I am in London, a lot of stuff is free or very cheap, like exhibitions. Last year I asked for a Arts Pass for my birthday, which gives me free or halfprice entry to a lot of stuff. Harder if you are rural.

Thanks Lentilweaver I appreciate you taking time to answer and I will look at your thread later when work is finished 😊

@Lentilweaver I keep saying "I must sign into my Meet Up account..." but I am in a bit of a slump. The "I can't be bothereds" I can't summon up enthusiasm for anything, I just want to sit, binge watch, read and look out of the window...

Count me in on the retreat. I suspect that given what I have detailed above I would request somewhere sunny/warm 18-20°C is plenty.

Lentilweaver going to read your linked thread with interest.

I can't be bothered either. I said earlier on this thread, or another one, i can't remember, all i want to do is sit at the window and look out, like an old cat.

I've got no time or patience for anything else.

My idle retreat would be somewhere 5 star but dirt cheap, with lovely outside chairs to sit in and watch the birds in the trees and near a lake to swim in. Ideally not too sunny either.

And nice plain food i have nothing to do with.

I remember that thread @ssd and I do sympathise. I have those days myself. But overall, I am a person who needs a lot of stimulation and company. I don't get it from my DC any more, my only sibling is overseas, can't expect DH to provide it all, so if I want companionship and stimulation I need to find it myself.

I would always prefer it if my DD or DS came with me for a play or a weekend away, but their first preference would obviously be friends, as it should be. I don't recall hanging out with my mum when I was 19.

@ssd I feel the same can't be arsed with anything. Woke up this morning and instantly thought of what I can cancel eg Zumba.

I know I feel better doing things but I just can't be bothered. I am so hormonal and have horrific rage I'm amazed I'm still married.

The weather here is the Highlands is vile, I've come to bed with the cat and the dog.

I love that I can say how I really feel here and other women understand and get it xx

I know what you mean about cancelling things. I get bursts of enthusiasm when i book lots of stuff and decide to turn over a new leaf. Almost straight away I lose motivation and then try to unbook it all. It's like I've lost my nerve, or lost drive or something. I get so frustrated with myself.

I can so relate to the just wanting to sit and look out of a window. My ideal would be to live somewhere very rural and spend my life pottering around not being bothered by someone else. I find when OH is away I just sit and stare and do very little. Maybe our nervous systems are all worn out. That's how I feel anyway. On holiday now I find I sleep a lot, and then get annoyed with myself for not 'doing things'.

I loving the suggestions for a retreat. Just up my street.

@ssd - I laughed out loud at 'and nice plain food I have nothing to do with'!

I can relate to that. DH, bless his heart, loves cooking but he loves trying new recipes. Every pan in the house, loads of oil and what to me seem like really clashing flavours and cuisines. (Chicken with miso and tarragon, anyone?) He finds my cooking boring, which is sort of Delia-based. I long for lovely plain, home-cooked food, made and cleared up by someone else.

@Writingonthewalls I am the same bursts of enthusiasm then regret then I feel crap cancelling. And so the cycle continues, I frustrate myself too. You'd like where I live I'm 8 miles from nearest village, on a loch surrounded by moorland. Very quiet nobody passes. However I do better out mixing with people.

I like being left alone too my DH really irritates me just by existing. I know it is unfair. Is it all linked to our caring hormones drying up.

It is a very difficult phase of life and I'm just very thankful for other ladies who feel the same way x

I can't be arsed cooking at all. Used to love it trying recipes etc. Feels pointless for two, I'm having toast tonight x

@ssd yes! Are you me? Plain food is my manna, especially cooked by someone else. That sounds idyllic.
I totally relate to what everyone is saying. I alternate between cba to do anything, speak to anyone, sit and watch tv and generally mope. Or I am hyper sensitive, cross with everyone and everything, everything matters and very woe is me, NO ONE CARES - said very much in capitals 😬
Such a joy haha

I totally identify with the sick of cooking bit. I hate cooking. Sick of thinking about what to cook and how to cook it.

I flippin hate cooking with a passion. Luckily DH enjoys it…so I leave him to it! He doesn’t offer anything else so might as well be useful in the kitchen.

I so wish there was a ‘Like’ button on here…I can relate to so much of these posts!

Oh I can’t be arsed either. I’m sat upstairs in the room at the back of the house and em enjoying the quietness.

Me too. We rotate around about four very easy to cook meals. It's quite pathetic. I can't stand all the clearing up and faff either.

Love this thread. DH is back from an overnight conference, gah!

At the moment I'm throwing myself into as much as I can and see what sticks. Saying yes to as much as I can. Making an active effort to make new friends now that DC don't want to spend time with us

I too alternate between wanting to be alone and being pissed off and feeling sad when no one is around to meet up!! I must be bloody hard work
Sarah, where you are sounds wonderful. I'm in Glasgow and love getting out to the Highlands. How north are you?

@ssd I'm on Skye x

Amongst the cuillins ❤️

@ssd yes but not very nice just now gales and rain it is Baltic. I'm guessing it is the same in Glasgow x

Yes, unfortunately!