coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

Welcome @Polgara2. Yes nobody tells you how hard this stage is and "discarded" is the perfect word. I feel totally cast aside and of no use anymore.
The children now often sneer at me and ridicule me which is meant in jest but I find hurtful.
It is a very hard stage. @Polgara2 will you be hosting them for Christmas? X

Welcome @Polgara2 It's so tough, isn't it? You want them to thrive but not to the point where you feel absolutely unnecessary anymore. And yet, that probably is a good sign.

I realise my heart jumps when I am seeing them these days - I get all excited. It's a bit ridiculous. I really need to start focusing o my own life and prioritising stuff I want to do and achieve before I'm too decrepit and forgetful to do anything!

YY to all of the above, now I understand how my mum felt when I left home! I have a dog and he always knows when I'm feeling down so I get a cuddle from him. I'm immersing myself in cleaning, cooking and hobbies for me! Burst into tears on DH again this I think the penny might be starting to drop how lonely I've been feeling.

Thank you a very warm welcome!

Yes @Writingonthewalls I often wish to rewind time, back to when the house was noisy and busy and I felt, you know, actually wanted!

@SarahC50 Ones coming for Christmas, the others calling in. I feel sad because it's the first time they're not both going to be here.

Yes @TotalOverhaul that's exactly how I feel. Then I feel silly for thinking it but 🤷🏼‍♀️

@longpathtohappiness oh I think I would like a dog. Currently have a cat who is lovely but not quite as cuddly! DH doesn't want one though sadly - I may have to choose between him and a dog 🤣

Hi @Polgara2 , welcome and i totally agree with you and all the other posters. Can i add in, ds is leaving home next year and we'll have the empty nest. I'm absolutely dreading it, whilst also being annoyed if I'm asked to do anything here... I'm just twisted. But anyway, whilst I'm dreading it, dh is cheery and matter of fact, as always. I feel my life has revolved around the ds's for so long that im now clinging to hold onto them, not physically of course, but in my head im trying to teach them cooking etc etc and they just want to get on with it and do everything themselves. I need to get my head into the next phase but im still preoccupied with getting the dinner ready and doing the washing.
Think im just nuts.

ssd exactly the same here, DH wondering what my problem as I keep bursting into tears and he cheerily cares on. Men!

Who knew the aqua aerobics Christmas nibbles would be the highlight of my Christmas !!

Following as I can relate, it’s just nice to know I’m not the only one. 🌺

Hello Ladies, I couldn't find this thread for ages. I've been needing to speak to you all. How was the festive season? I've had both my uni kids home for two weeks and they leave tomorrow.

I've cooked and cleaned non stop as I wanted them to have a rest. We went to a family ceilidh for hogmanay, I was the driver. It was a crap ceilidh and I stayed till one to bring them home. All three inc DH were drunk. Kids decided to go onto an after party till 630am.I told DH to tell them to come to the car he wouldn't,said they were adults and could do as they liked.

I was so angry I'd have gone home at eight were it not for giving them a lift. They've apologised but I feel like shit and am still really annoyed with DH. He has a long history of being passive esp re in-laws and not speaking up esp when I've wanted him to. He is painted as laid back but I think he gives a shit about very little, nothing is worth it to him.

I loathe this time of year it lacks any structure. I feel utterly flat and miserable with nothing to look forward to. Honestly life is pointless I can't bear the prospect of another thirty years of this. Kids have their own lives, DH just annoys me.

Does anyone else feel so low/lacking purpose.

Much Love to all struggling. I'd love to hear from you xxxxx

Honestly @SarahC50 that might have been the nudge you needed to realise now is the time to start focusing on yourself, your life, your needs, desires, priorities, interests etc.

I made myself do stuff last year - I went on holiday on my own, went on a retreat on my own, DH wasn't interested and DC were at uni. I didn't exactly enjoy either of those experiences at the time but they definitely helped shift my mindset away from 'how can I endlessly serve DC' to 'They don't need me as much any more. I need to think what I want to do with my life.'

You could do worse than make a list of things you want to do - a bucket list if you like - of anything from tiny things to huge ones and make a pledge to check off at least one a week for the next 52 weeks!

I am getting better at putting myself first. I had agonising shoulder tension before Christmas. Before, I'd just have taken painkillers and carried on, but I started a Christmas shopping expedition by spontaneously walking into a massage place and got a 1 hour hot stone and shoulder massage. I'd never before have given myself that amount of time or money, unplanned. It was instinctive too. I just thought, do it now instead of wanting it but ignoring my own wants, like a martyr, as I usually do.

No one asks us to be martyrs and no one appreciates it either. We end up resentful. They end up bemused or annoyed.

It sounds from your post like you really do deserve to do some things for yourself. What would you like to do?

I agree. Its definitely time to try to get a bit of a life back. I realised this xmas that no one really cared if i had all the extra bits i wanted to get on dec 24th. The bits that were important to me. So i just thought feck it and went swimming instead.

Life goes on if you don't do it all. Sad but true. No one but us really notices anymore anyway. Sometimes i feel like what will i do with myself if im not running round after everyone? That's been the thing ive been good at all these years...organising, sorting out, multi tasking....
But really, the sky doesn't fall in if i give it a rest for a while.

And i guess a less present and less stressed mum is quite nice for a change..

It’s so reassuring to know others feel the same as I do. My Christmas was ok, husband, DD and DM. There’s our DS but he lives away and came a weekend before Christmas instead. I’ve managed to keep myself busy since with moments of loneliness thinking back to when the kids were young, etc. I enjoy my job but the Manager is intent on changing the role creating so much more stress. I know I need to move in, so there’s another project for me.
The husband is annoying me so I’m upstairs tidying!
I can relate to so much here, so pleased this thread is still here.

Dear @TotalOverhaul you are totally right. Good on you getting the massage. I do make lots of plans but cancel them instantaneously is a child or DH needs me. Men are so much better at prioritising themselves,always have been. I like the sound of your retreat, I've just joined a women and travel FB page my sister invited me to.

Yes to reviewing what I actually want and like, I like the idea of a bucket list, thankyou for the idea.

@ssd yes we do need to carve a life for ourselves and it does take some adjusting. For twenty two years nearly I've prioritised the kids. I wish there were more books about this difficult stage. The kids are doing well studying,socialising etc and I am happy for them but I feel like a cast aside husk. I don't know what to do with myself or what to aim for in this next stage of life.

@AnotherdayinMay I'm so glad this thread is here too and thankful for other women that can relate to the complicated feelings we are having.

I've found it hard that friendships have ended now we no longer have the children's activities in common. I'm talking about friendships that have lasted around 17 years and the friends seem quite content that they are over. I am sad and hoped it would be friendships for life. I'm maybe overly sentimental.

I've decided this year to really make an effort to build new friendships. I met a vague friend for coffee today and it was nice. Xx

Thats nice you met a friend for coffee today, hope you can meet them again @SarahC50. I have no family apart from dh and the dc and i find parts of the xmas and new year break a bit lonely. I do have friends though but some of them are busy this time of year. I find the ones with big extended families dump me at the beginning of December and then get in contact the middle of February when its all over, i can almost pin point the dates it happens. Pisses me off but i haven't that big a social circle i can tell them to do one. Thankfully its really only 1 friend who does this.

But its hard making friends at my age, late 50s. Im not a great join-er.

Anyway just to say i agree with everyone here. I wish there was a book for this stage. My dcs are the first to move out so i dont really have anyone to share how bleak i feel. And dh says well at least they're not in Australia! That's his take on it.

Oh to be a man!!!

I had a good Xmas with all the adult children at home. It was utterly exhausting though. They are all struggling in their lives and desperately needed a break, so I too ran around ministering to their needs , cooking and cleaning. I did enjoy it and feel closer to them, but they’ve all gone now and it’s just me and OH getting on each others nerves again. I want to move as I’m not particularly happy living where I am. I haven’t made any real friends and have no motivation . Two of the DC live at the other end of the country . The one who does live here sees us very infrequently and is quite challenging. I would like to move closer to the others. OH is content with life as it is and doesn’t see the need. He has hobbies and friends. If we do anything or go anywhere it’s always me who organises it. Me who books holidays. Me who tried to think of different things to shake us up. He spends a lot of time online which makes me feel even more alienated. Like someone else said, I think ‘is this it till I die?’
Ive tried joining things etc but just can’t be bothered with going alone and trying to ‘make friends ’so I’m my own worst enemy.
In the past I would go to a retreat alone or do a workshop.
I want to be needed and see more of my DC. OH drives me up the wall at times and I long for some other company.

I hear you @Writingonthewalls , i really do

@Writingonthewalls I hear you and agree with you too. It is the loss of purpose for me and what do I do now. I really feel the best of my life is over. Like your DH mine is content,likes the quiet house with the kids away and mistakenly thinks we can revamp and spice up our sex life. FFS I'm 52 periods all over the place and constant PMT,I've told him this but still he stupidly and annoyingly suggests this. Like your DH I find mine so irritating, I know I'm not being fair but I just want to be left alone not listen to him going on or trying to fecking touch me.

@ssd thankyou it was nice and I will keep trying to make the effort. If I don't suggest anything nobody does,do people find that at this age?
I too loathe the festive season I just have always found it really depressing and I'm glad it is over. That is annoying the friend dropping you then picking you up mid Feb, nobody is that busy.

Yes oh to be a man not ruled by hormones and worry.

How are you doing today? X

Feel so lonely and worthless today 😞

DS says he might be moving out, obviously we are still a way off that but I'm painting a smile on while feeling like my heart is being ripped out. The pain is unbearable and I can not stop crying.

This really made me laugh! (In sympathy).

@Writingonthewalls if we don't laugh about it we would cry. I have this vile virus in bed he came in from work disappointed we couldn't have sex as I was ill. I said to him you'd try and feel my breast as I lay dying wouldn't you and he said yes, in all bloody seriousness.

I feel like I am speaking Chinese or living with an alien how can he be so so misguided.Hes a nurse he knows about menopause and mental health. Is your DH similarly harassing in this way.

@longpathtohappiness has anything in particular made you feel so bad today or are you feeling low and flat most days. I am feeling flat and worthless most of the time.

The pain of them leaving is awful and the first few months the anxiety and worry is awful. When will he be going? Is it for job or study. Post on here you aren't alone. It is a very difficult time as a mum xxx thinking of you xx

SarahC50

DH and I had a massive argument that ended in tears. It had been brewing for a while but my self esteem feels rock bottom

@longpathtohappiness - would it help to say what the row was about? DH and I had a MASSIVE row on holiday this year but it cleared the air in the end.

TotalOverhaul it was so stupid but here goes..... DH has two sisters, one has a rescue dog that was a stray from abroad. We also have a dog but bought from a breeder in the UK. The two dogs do not get on at all. Sisters dog kept trying to bite our dog. Last time we met up, we took the dogs for a walk, let them off the lead, they played together and got on a bit better. My DS and I took our dog with brother-in-law for a walk, went to the park, his dog bundled our dog over and got him muddy. I knew DH would hit the roof, I was trying to clean our dog using water from puddles and long grass!!!! Didn't work and sure enough, DH did hit the roof in front of everyone when we got back to his sisters house. Not sure how many people heard as lots of chat. My DS let our dog off the lead but I wasn't going to throw him under the bus so took the flak. When we got home, I called DH out over his behaviour as I didn't appreciate being shouted at in public over something so trivial and ended up in a massive row!!

@longpathtohappiness So you stood up for yourself and refused to be put down by a grumpy old man. Funny, that's exactly what our massive row on holiday boiled down to, too.

See it as empowerment. You took steps not to be the downtrodden amenable one. I'm not playing that role any longer, either.