I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

and they are forever taking themselves off to bed in the middle of the day. They are permanently “EXHAUSTED “..

I can see this on the horizon for us and friends - helpful thread so I can try to head it off.

I was told gently but firmly I was on my own after university. The first time j rang from Uni about what to make for dinner how to cook something I was given short shrift “do it yourself” so quickly got the message. Dad explained two younger siblings and not huge amounts of money so I needed to pay my own way. My parents went on a gap year when the 3 of us between 19-25. They literally vanished! Good for them.

And one day they won't need you at all.
Stop enabling. Put boundaries in place. Don't be passive aggressive about it. Don't be so avaliable. X

i never forget my dm telling me to stop calling her with my indecision about where to live.
so i try very hard to be a listening ear to my adult dc
in the hope they grow out of it
dd2 in particular gives me worry when she messages about losing her bank card for example <<abroad>> then doesnt respond for hours, only to eventually say it has been resolved as she had two bank cards,! for instance.

Not the same I know but I had a needy brother - always problems, often financial, always felt hard done to, always moaning to everyone then ignoring advice. Exhausting.
So I took a step back. Just, 'aww that's a shame' or 'that's too bad' if he came with another issue. NO advice or support.
In the end we had a MUCH better relationship. He stopped his neediness. We actually had some good laughs once the self-pity had stopped.
So STEP BACK>

i also discovered that if my advice was wrong, i would be blamed.
so advice is no longer forthcoming
a listening ear, yes, but an opinion, not really.

What an interesting thread. My DDs are early 20s and have their moments but are generally pretty independent. One renting, one at home. But they still surprise me sometimes with their requests for help ….

From observing friends of mine …. I think some mums love to still feel needed and wanted and almost encourage this dependence. Obv not the OP! It’s all very interesting.

This does sound frustrating, but here’s a different perspective - coming from a 33 year old who doesn’t have children yet (one on the way). I’m very independent now and have been for years, but 21/22 is still so young!

Life is hard in your early 20s. It’s always been hard, and it’s particularly hard now. And this generation has grown up in a world where talking about your worries/anxieties/stress is encouraged (and I’d agree this is part of being resilient).

I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for emotional support from your parents - a listening ear when things are tough or a sounding board for big decisions, as long as ultimate responsibility stays with the young person. You’re there to support, not fix everything for them, that’s their job, and you have your own needs. I do think there is something wrong with expecting your parents to provide practical support (money, lifts) and clearer boundaries need to be set.

Reading all the posts here, I did chuckle a bit at complaints about lack of resilience. Surely it can’t be THAT hard to support your adult kids while also setting appropriate boundaries? Maybe I don’t understand because I’m not in your shoes, but neither are you in the shoes of young adults in 2023. I guess life is hard for all generations at the moment and we should all cut each other some slack.

The other solution for the 2.30 am trip to the airport is for her to use public transport and arrive at the airport at midnight - it is not as if she is going to get any sleep at home if you have to leave at 2,30 am!

Mine are aged 14 and 16 and aren't that needy! They need to grow up by the sound of it

It's not as simple as setting boundaries. Sometimes it can be, but mostly not. As you will find out when you are where we are.

The pace at which the world has changed is incredible. The competition out there is frightening. I pretty much got into the first uni I applied to, sailed through the course and got a job immediately I graduated. DDs uni education was disrupted by the pandemic, then strikes and even getting work experience has been incredibly tough for her. And her chosen occupation will likely be threatened by AI.

My kids are little so my advice comes from my memories of being in early 20s myself...

I definitely leaned on my mum too much at this point in hindsight. I would say it definitely backed off a bit when I met my now DH at 25.

Even though it must be absolutely exhausting I do think it's a sign that you've been a brilliant mum to them. My friends who didn't bring this big stuff to their parents had parents who honestly just didn't care as much about their lives and didn't respond with kindness. It will taper off.

In the meantime: maybe don't respond to texts so quickly, allow yourself the time to get back when you're ready, and select what you think is really important to be there for (death of a friend - yes; job whingeing without a plan of action in place - not so much)

Its because of the economy. My dad always tells me he bought his first house at 21 for 2000 he was earning 180 a week. I bought my first house for 130000( now approx 147000) earning 360 a week. How are you expected to do what he did when wages have barely doubled in that time. Food however has doubled in the last 6 months????????
Our children are being raised with the expectations of having what their parents had. There is no way young people can get houses. And rent for a 1 bed flat 600-800 per month that's more than half of your wage.!!!!! No wonder younger people are feeling lost.

I would find the complaining every night very hard. Can you gently point out that she needs to find solutions - go for a run or swim, get a good nights sleep etc. Or just end the phone conversations.

I am getting to a point where i really resent being the pair of ears that people just pour every waking thought into - I'm a fairly good listener compared to most people but it's draining.

Bear in mind too that birds literally push their babies out of the nest. Parents need to do that too.

My two DS1 22 & DS2 20, will always ask me if they are unsure of anything, they always think I will know the answer. Some of the question are really funny. I agree parenting doesn’t stop.

You really don't have to do this. She can get a bus or train. If there isn't one that meets her train she can Kip at the airport. She will be very safe doing that. Who is she travelling with?

This thread scares the living hell out of me

You can listen without taking responsibility for fixing it.

Can't you just hear what they say and then say something vaguely supportive? I have adult kids myself, I do not feel overwhelmed with what they discuss with me because they are just chatting to me about their lives, on both good days and bad.

@CharlotteRumpling "two workhorses tethered to a cart"

Love it.

That's us. And our SEN child is only 10, but I can well imagine the issues she might have at 20!!

OP, I think you need a new hobby. One where there's not much phone signal and no WiFi. DH suggests caving. Narrowboats are good too and hiking.

I think part of the issue is that many parents don't let their children figure things out by themselves. Instead of offering constant solutions or getting involved in every area of their life, why not put it back to the adult child and ask what they will do to solve x, y and z problems?

There's a good book on this (the concept of overparenting) called How to Raise an Adult
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Raise-Adult-Julie-Lythcott-Haims/dp/1627791779/

You are being unfair to your DD then, as this is entirely your issue. She is trying to be an independent adult, you are stopping her, and then moaning about it!

Just accept that you are making your choices and live with them.

It is a two way relationship so you are massively enabling them. Although you are complaining at some level you actually like to be so involved and in a way keeping the emotional string alive. So I would start from you, try and understand why you are not able to let go of the kids, what do you think you will miss and work on yourself to be emotionally independent from them. Once you are mature enough you will set boundaries and also teach them to be independent and adult.
such a relationship is not only draining for you (although it obviously satisfies some other needs) but does not allow them to grow and become balanced happy adults. You are basically not finishing your job as a parent of educating them as they are really not adults yet. They will never be happy with their life if this ombelico cord is not cut and it will reflect on their relationships with partners and their own kids.
I would suggest taking with a therapist if you can not do it by yourself.

do you not offload to your parents?

i dont really because i dont really like what i hear but i do offload to DH who nods appropriately

@nadapersonal thanks. Ordered it!