I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

I remember doing this to my poor mum aged 25 and in a job with an awful boss when I was single in a flat that was not very nice. My job was successful, I had busy social life etc but 20s can still be hard.
Felt I couldn't moan to flatmates as you don't know them that well, friends are all busy and you don't want to complain to them all the time. I saw my mum as the reliable one who I knew would be there who I could honestly talk to. Looking back I wish I'd complained less to her and just sucked it up. I just know I felt pretty lonely at times at that age before getting more settled and confident!
It must be very annoying but in your early 20s I still don't think you really appreciate your parents are people with a life! I'd send messages saying what you're up to or setting times for chats to remind them you have a life too!, eg, busy with Sheila tomorrow at book club but shall we chat on Friday night? That might help set some expectations and boundaries?

Yesterday my 22 year old said they needed new shoes and that they had needed them for the last year and a half and that I had promised to buy them.😧

I refused. I said I’ll buy them or your graduation shoes, big strop and they left the room. It’s energy sapping this. They finished uni in May, I paid for absolutely everything, and now I expect this to stop but it’s a constant battle. They are taking a year out, to decide what to do, so working in a restaurant making more than 500 € a week, no rent nor bills. Then heading off to the Far East with a friend.

It’s the constant battle that is so difficult, making me feel guilty because I won’t pay.

5 children between 19 and 40, 2 currently living at home. I am also trying really hard not to be a fixer. , I don’t mind them discussing their issues, but I try to not give advice. But I do mind that they expect 24/7 availability. We have 2 adults at home and both separately started heavy conversations with me this week after 11 pm. My dog died this week and I really needed to be alone. Ive decided that next time that happens I will be very clear that they can talk to me tomorrow, over an early breakfast.
I also resent the domestic load, still churning out family meals is a pita. They always agree that they should do more but somehow it never happens . They expect a say in household decisions, and think it’s ok to criticise how we spend our money / live. I hate that me and Dh never get our own house to ourselves. I am finding that the step back has helped a bit though.

I remember reading the saying" You are only as happy as your unhappiest child" and thinking " How pathetic!" when in my 20s. I really thought I would be able to cut the umbilical cord when they were 18 and went off to uni. Ha!

I found it really helpful - I hope you do too!

You sound lovely. I'm in my 30s and some of my friends are a bit like that now with their parents which seems both bizarre and lovely to me. There are pros and cons to it all. The parents enjoy a great relationship with their kids/lovely family holidays etc but on the flipside no 'retirement' time to chill and often roped into formal childcare which they didn't get from their own parents.

They're doormatted and they know it but also love parts of it! It's complex. I'd recommend giving them some distance (daily messaging all about someone else's problems would annoy me from anyone) but I've never parented kids that age so what do I know!

As the mother of a 50 year old I don't think it does although sometimes I think it is self inflicted, I mean they tell me something, probably don't expect me to do anything but I take the monkey and run with it.

The reason they have no resilience is they have parents who have no resilience when it comes to seeing their kids ‘fail’ or needing something. Mummy will always pick up after them. So they grow into useless young adults.

You need the old school trick ‘that’s an interesting problem dear, how are you going to solve it?’

Oh God that is so true.

Coming here to make a book recommendation.

i recently read The Explosive Child, to support a friend coming to terms with their DCs neurodiversity.

but a lot of what I read there I’m bringing into my own parenting.

there’s LOADS of guidance for parenting years 0-10. But less for after that.

Not everything in TEC is applicable to non ND kids (the ‘low demand’) approach to parenting is very tough on the parents.

but is offers a great framework for how to transition with your kids from ‘type A’ parenting where we tell them what to do and problem solve for them (as we all do when they’re little) to teach and coach them how to take apart a problem and find solutions themselves.

i was aware of the need to start that with my older DC now 10 (who also has some ADHD traits and needs support).

this book has shown me how.

my own parents stood back in the teen years and went ‘you’re old enough to figure it out’

while I found ways, A lot of them were dysfunctional and took me a long time to undo as an adult.

TEC is a guide for how to model and skills adults actually need, rather than do everything for them (so they don’t develop them) or stand back and assume they will spontaneously appear.

“She’s taking herself to Italy for a few days next month and has booked a 5.30am flight…which means I’m going to have to drive her to the airport at 2.30am on Thursday morning”

link to booking.com and a suggestion she stays at a hotel the night before :)

So interesting to read different perspectives. I don't feel so alone now that's for sure.
I think it is feeling stuck between being supportive so that you have a good relationship but knowing where to draw the line which I haven't figured out yet without making them feel I don't care. I'm definitely going to work on it over the next few months and when she returns from travelling, start new 'rules' from there as feels more natural.
The comment about caving made me laugh, one of them is quite claustrophobic so Id definitely get a bit of peace and quiet!

I hear you op. I think I need to back off offering advice and stick to nodding sympathetically too.

My (undiagnosed) ADHD son aged 20 has come home for a couple of months between flats. Despite promises, it’s the usual chaos in his bedroom again, the mess and the rushing round impulsiveness and negativity when things get a bit tough. It’s exhausting. So I’ve had to ask my DS yesterday it’s time to move out again. Any offers of help from me are wasted I realise 😞 much as I’d love to. It’s sad but I’ve got to let him go and deal with stuff again, not get involved, even though I know he struggles. He can occasionally be good company but I’m a single parent and cannot cope with the drama and what comes across as selfishness and lack of respect (even if he often can’t help it because of the chaos ADHD causes for him).

I think each generation thinks the next is failing in some way.

My parents, born in the 30s, spent their early adult life in institutions. DF was in the Navy from 16-30. DM was in service from a similar age.

Their life experience was so far removed from mine. The swinging 60s passed them by. They worried about conforming to the social rules of the 1950s long into the 1980s.

As a result I didn't really talk to them about my life at all. DF especially always seemed elderly and remote yet he was only 61 when he died.

I am happy to be available to my now adult DCs. If I have a parenting quandary my rule is think what my parents would have done then do the opposite.

Hmm I think it’s absolutely fine to be less supportive than this! To say I’m out Thursday so don’t call after work. And when the other one comes home you say kindly but firmly adults who need to recharge still need to cook a meal or be generally functional, I’m not planning on going back to wiping your bottom. You are always welcome here but you also need to either cook a meal or wash some dishes, and put on some washing or hang it out etc. you’re not 10 and i wouldn’t be doing you any favours treating you like you were.

It sounds OP like the relationship is still very one-sided in terms of support, which I can imagine is taking a huge toll.

I’m 25 and message my mum daily. I often ring her to complain about trivial, and not-so-trivial things. We’re in contact daily and I’d worry if her replies weren’t particularly prompt (although I of course don’t expect her to constantly be available 24/7).

However, the relationship has become more and more reciprocal. I like to think that I also a source of support for my mum and she often rings me up to rant about her day, ask my advice on matters or ask me for favours. I have young children myself and the one-sided nature of rearing young children is exhausting, but I certainly expect that to change somewhat in their teens.

They are probably at that stage now where your answer should be. Come on you're an adult now, get on with it.
I need to reset, well you'll have to do it during annual leave, you need to be an adult.
Nod and smile nod and smile.
I've been trying to back off with my 18 year old for a while, I've been leaving her to get herself sorted. I just remind her if she want's a ride home call us. Or if she wants to leave early, not get pressured she can say my parents are picking me up, family dinner out, whatever she wants.
Oldest goes though fazes of constant contact, then goes very quiet for ages, so I just roll with that, he doesn't really ask for much. His partner seems to be becoming his sounding board.

Also I agree with others that maybe take some of the pressure off yourself by recognising that most likely they are looking for an ear to listen, not a magic remedy to their problems.

This!

I do agree somewhat with this. Renting in particular seems to be a massive headache. When I was DS’s age it was fairly easy to move in and out of places without lots of legal and financial dramas. Also, we were less materialistic is my observation, had less stuff and lower expectations of ourselves and others. Hell, the shops were even closed on Sundays! I don’t know if others think that.

This but bear in mind the brain is not fully formed until about 25.

I would do the above but be wary of giving advice - my father gave me advice but then I must follow it - so I stopped asking.

Can I borrow this?
Mine currently doing A level exams and leaving for uni in October, so I'm on a fast learning curve, I think this is brilliant...😃

What makes it worse for me is that actually I AM a trained therapist, more than once DD has said but you are a trained counsellor...

I respond 'Yes, I have the training, however I am not YOUR counsellor'...doesn't seem to occur to them !

Especially during the pandemic a parent's role seems to have expanded! I never wanted to be a teacher as well, but due to the recruitment crisis in schools and colleges we kind of were required to be!

This but bear in mind the brain is not fully formed until about 25.

It's not so long ago that people were usually married and had their own homes at 25, how on earth did they cope with the responsibility with their not fully formed brains? By the time I was 25 I had been working for nine years!!!

I hear you @BetterCallMe , similar here.