I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

My mum regularly tells my sister and I that the children need to do more and have more freedom or they won’t be able to stand on their own two feet.

Thanks. Yes, nearly there.

You can ask them to help you, so it won't feel so one sided. But it's the one possible model of family life - multigenerational. Many cultures have that interdependence. Being loving towards your children have brought it back. It's hard for you to give what you haven't recieved in your childhood and youth.

We are in the same boat and it makes me cross when people just bang on about neediness!

My dd was 15 when her friend killed himself during the pandemic.
In school once returned she had to deal with another attempting suicide. Nearly all had developed painful coping strategies.

She worked and worked for her GCSEs and they were cancelled.

They were unprepared for this level of disruption and chaos, as were most parents. Most teens need or are waiting for therapy in this bracket, it’s been a very very tough ride.

Neediness might be a natural result of your world turning upside down no?

So sorry you expereinced this. yes we need to move on from pandemic but what they and their parents have expereinced also needs acknowledging. Yes, it was a tough journey. Beyond tough.

Yes it’s most certainly not ‘over’ by a long stretch. I work in MH coincidentally and the impact will last for years, in some cases life times. To say teens will just bounce back and carry on is to entirely misunderstand the gravity, severity and complexity of the situation. It is worth noting it is also global. At some point in the near future we will see the first studies and reports and it’s going to make for grim reading.

As for us as parents we are also struggling to recover fully. Managing such turmoil on the outside and inside of our teens for anyone properly involved is strenuous and mentally exhausting. Ask anyone you know how they really are, and you can quickly see the scale of the problem.

I hope things get easier for you 🙏🏻

My DD is nearly 22 and to echo an earlier poster (I'm banking this phrase), is like a millstone round my neck. She's neuro diverse, yes, but oh my oh my waiting for the penny to drop that work (ANY job) = money/independence is like waiting for the second coming of Christ. What I want to say to her is to get a grip and GET A JOB (she's more than capable of cleaning, for example, but won't do it because she doesn't like it). Instead she sits around and complains that everyone hates her and moves from one crappy situation to another. She doesn't live with us any more and is sofa surfing with family.

This makes me sound like an awful parent , BUT over the years I have literally run myself into the ground trying to come up with solutions and now am at the point where she HAS to start figuring it out for herself , and after all she is nearly 22. So now I only hear from her when she goes off on some rant or another , to which I try to give a non committal reply. I can't bear it any more and I need to keep her at arm's length for my own sanity.

Stop giving her money, she will wise up very quickly.

And how do you react to that?

Oh we have, quite some time ago in fact! I did send her some money to buy clothes for an interview a couple of weeks ago but that's it, she doesn't get a penny! I've actually got no idea where she gets any money from although I think she may be claiming universal credit...

yeah, I need to have the talk with mine about being considerate of other people's time and explain that they are not infants anymore. They have actually gotten worse than when they were teens. They have turned into their father, frankly.

I completely agree with you. Super needy generation. Important though to try and put you first xx

Mine is older, but I hear you, I'm always at end of phone, for calls, texts etc, runs stuff past me, doesn't really want me to give solutions as he knows what he is going to do anyway. So I'm just a sounding board. That's fine, however when I disagree, I get, " it would be nice if you were supportive and not negative", "you are never supportive". Personally I feel I've been nothing but.... my feelings are hurt, but this isn't acknowledged. I'm 60, never had this with my parents. Our DC will always be our DC, but yes they can be hard work.... wine is the answer

Lol. No it never stops 😊. Mine are in their 40s and 50s and they still phone me and offload/rant for up to an hour about all kinds of stuff. I say things like - what a pain/ that’s terrible/ why the hell did he say that/I u deerstalker d what you’re saying/ you’re right etc etc.
They usually end with Well I have to go now, see you later. 🤣🤣🤣

U deerstalker.,???? I meant - I understand 😂

I am so with you on this. If I raise it I get ‘you don’t understand/you know I am emotional/you are so unkind. DD moved out at the weekend - I should be pleased but Lord knows how she will afford the rent (and taken one year lease on the flat). I can’t describe the filth in ‘her’ bedroom and bathroom. Like an earlier post, I know I wasn’t like this.

I could have written this myself . It's awful isn't it. I went to hell and back to support my DD we all did . I'm sick to death of being accused of being the worst parent and being the reason for all her fuck ups . She just used and abused us . I only hear from her if she wants to have a verbal attack . So she's at arm's length and that is where she's staying I no longer care what happens to her !.
Ridegirl You're correct your sanity is worth more.

Doesn't get any better , mine are

Oops !! way older red wine helps !!

Yes!! Tbh I never thought of this but I think you have hit the nail on the head @Biscuitburglar

A lot of adults learn not to tell their parents things because they don’t like their parents’ reactions. Their parents hassle them, give out of touch opinions, make them feel guilty etc … It sounds like the OP is too good!

Yes op you need to transform into a nagging, judgemental trunchball that should send them scurrying!! 😇

Mixed bag here (x4)
But 25-30 seems to be the change.
I (and OH) both left home <16 and had very little help (until we met).
Just the youngest to be independent (13yrs if 30)
I do have a couple of suggestions

1. Ask them for advice, or at least what would you do if questions...penny may drop that they're adults.
2. Stop being infallible....make a few mistakes they can correct (even little ones on purpose 👀).

Just added 13rs onto my age....maybe I should have started earlier (or stopped earlier)🙄🙄🙄

@notatherapist
Mine is 34 with 3 children. There is always a crisis. Of course I have to drop everything to pick her up.
I lost my mum when I was 22 years old, although I had my aunties. I just thought that was the reason I was more self sufficient. Obviously it's this generation, needy, demanding and self entitled 🙄.
Who knew the terrible twos were such a walk in the park compared to the adult version.

No advice but just wanted to say OP you sound a wonderful Mum. It sounds emotionally draining but they depend on you because you are there for them. It will end or lessen up one day and at least you and they can say you were always there.