I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

@minmooch so sorry to hear about your loss. Of course your surviving DS needs support. I really hope things get better for you.

This has been a fascinating thread, and I have picked up some ideas to set boundaries.

In my experience this is more about needy parents than needy adult children. They infantilize their kids because they want to be needed and can't let go of the parent/child dynamic. Yes, it is harmful to the child, but the parent is focused on her own needs.

i dont think it is necessarily needy parents.
i have so much worry from dd when at uni abroad.
and there was absolutely nothing i could do about it! apart from fret.
it took me some time to realise i was a sounding board, and still am to some extent

Minimooch so poignant to hear from you again, my two eldest ds are the similar ages yours and I remember your posts when your ds was ill and his courage and dignity, I have often wondered how you were all getting on. Of course your ds will need extra support but you will too, my own moans feel very self indulgent and trite in comparison.

That said I am now going to have a moan. This mornings drama included someone being stranded in a foreign airport with an unreliable phone due to booking the wrong flights. I get its not good I get they feel stupid, I get their friends are annoyed, what I really struggle with is the catastophising and the constant awareness of their mental health which frankly scares the pants off me. The whole 'and I have been struggling anyway' thing is so difficult , if I had had a less than good holiday at the same age I would probably have thought 'that wasn't so good, I wasn't in the mood' or 'I didn't really enjoy that' (and I was an anxious teen and still am). Now it's taken as symptomatic of something more serious or worthy of attention, finding things tough seems to be regarded as a failure in some way whereas I expected life to be tough. I have however helped google alternative flights , and sent money as a short term loan so they are not stranded without funds , and screen shotted google maps of routes from the unfamiliar airport. I toyed with picking up but will resist that after reminding myself of this thread. I feel wrung out though by the tears and trauma, I did tell them at one point that they needed to stop panicking and also this would be a lesson in reading the small print but this just triggers angry responses such as ' of course i am useless I know it ' etc etc

Maybe it’s a bit of a weird thing to say - as I think my own mother was selfish and neglectful (but that’s another story). But can you be too close to your (adult) kids? Even if it seems to be in a good way can it just be too much?

General distance and independence may often be better for both parties for the most part? Of course a good place to go as final help and someone has your back, but apart from that?

Maybe water finds its own level if you drop the rope? Sorry for the two metaphors! But our views do tend to be skewed because of our own experience with family so I may be wrong here. Just a thought.

This is all very familar to me. Everything is a catastrophe for DD, even a wrong phone card. To be fair, she has been diagnosed with anxiety. BUT that often seems to be a blanket get-out-of-jail free card for this generation. It's all "I am so unlucky" and " my life is shit". In my time we had no mobile phones, so I just would not even have told my parents.

Is it so weird that I would never have worried my mother with my problems? She was a worrier at the best of times. I would never have added fuel to her worrying fire.

mimimooch so sorry for your loss.

Re: abroad - trip coming up first time abroad - for DD - on the one hand I'm seeing this as a step towards greater confidence and independence.

My own mother died in the past two years (and yes that is another story) - but one of the hardest things about parenting is that it forces me to to revisit how I experienced growing up, particularly the teenage years.

And I find that very complicated. As far as preparation for uni and leaving home was concerned, I came from a small town, hit a bit city at uni and miserably didn't know what to do - at my course - or anything. Failed exams at first year and got a job and left the country (had been abroad for language course at sixteen). In some ways it was the making of me - I was forced to find my own way, so I did (no internet) - yes this was 1980s. And there were many hard and difficult times in there. Social media and the internet somehow nowadays by sharing the minutiae of events in their lives...I don't know about this.

If I had had a problem whilst abroad on my own, I would have found a means of solving it, and in fact did often.

Later on in life, there were times when I would have really welcomed a safety net - in emotional terms at my parents - but it wasn't there - so there is that experience. I'm not sure the school of hard knocks ever works...

If I compare my DD's run up to uni - compared to the support I had (how to fill in ucas form, talks about uni, advice which is out there...) - really there couldn't be more preparation for them - but at the same time this creates a pressure for them (and us?) to get everything 'right' - which I have found unbearable at times. Kind of like a very twisted type of performance pressure.

I also think that being a lone/single parent is a different kind of pressure. I've got a sneaking feeling that that whole thing about 'empty-nesting' is experienced differently by everyone anyway and households with two parents experience it very differently to single parent households. (Not saying that is right or wrong, but when I hear people talking about feeling bereft when they go off to uni - I don't identify - all I can think is 'oh, less washing up to do...less this, less that..'...

Think the pandemic has led to feeling as if it is three steps forward two steps back with independence - during the A level exams and run up for example I feel most things have gone backwards - as they seem to need a lot more support and that has been exhausting. Totally draining. I've hated it. it seemed that on every front I was losing albeit temporarily - that foundation of independence i had tried to carefully build up. But then the same happened in the pandemic too as so many things for teenagers got shut down.

Came across a book called 'The Maturity Myth' - author talks about thresholders rather than teenagers and tries to spell out which things teens need from their parents to become adults. I'm in two minds about this book - it may be of interest to some - a lot of American examples in it. It is an attempt to describe how the media and perhaps society pushes us to believe in the 'school of hard knocks' for want of a better phrase.

I'm not sure how successful I feel the author's attempt to write about this have been. I do know though from what I know about attachment theory - a person has various important attachments throughout their life - not just a parent's attachment - and that if something goes wrong with these it can impact a person deeply.

Attachment patterns are complicated.

Finally I feel being a year younger (DD is seventeen) most of her friends are eighteen already - makes a big difference. She is nearly a year younger than some in her cohort and I feel a lot of learning takes place in that year. So many practical things she is not allowed to do yet, not being eighteen whereas they can.

Don't know what the answers are at all - apart from every relationship is different. It feels very fast moving at this end - this week end of A levels (and that kind of interdependence and teamwork in a house coaching them through this difficult time) - then a day after that and she starts a new job, few weeks after that and she is off abroad for two weeks (which I encouraged her to do) - so there are so many milestones in there...

The Myth of Maturity: What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults: Amazon.co.uk: Apter, Terri: 9780393323177: Books

😂 okay we are all needy apparently! You obviously do not have teens!

You raised them. If they still need you so much then why dont you look at yourself for the answer

As I have said, one of mine is needy; the other not. I raised them both the same way. It's really easy to be judgey when your kids are young. Up until 18, DD was incredibly independent. Then the pandemic hit when she was in uni, and now her papers are being marked because of uni strikes.

I've read about that CR and feel for you. That cohort has had a really rough time and so have their parents.

Perhaps regarding the 'needy' thing more helpful that we agree that EVERYONE has needs...(which is not the same as labelling someone as 'needy')...

The pandemic has impacted on teens and their parents massively. I was prepared for G.C.S.E year being stressful in 2020 but certainly not prepared for a pandemic and the schools closing down...it has been a rocky road since...

We have all had to deal with much uncertainty and show extraordinary resilience.

A friend of mine once said - no one is truly independent - we are all interdependent...on each other.

Papers unmarked, I mean!

That said, the pandemic is over and it is time to move on.

This is a fascinating thread and I do think kids are often less resilient, although definitely not all of them.

If you look at the trend in publishing for Sad Girl Novels there is some kind of currency in mental health issues/abusive relationships etc that I don't remember growing up. Is it due to internet pornography? Or so much time online self diagnosing with personality disorders...?

What I would love to see is a trend for healthy, strong young adults having functional relationships and feeling hopeful - a bit more humour, perhaps....

I think technology has caused this. As a young adult I was in a stressful situation abroad while working - natural disaster had to evacuate passport stolen etc. I kept ringing my parents to update them but they happened to be on holiday and it was pre mobiles. I dealt with the situation myself with help from my office and my now Dh then a boyfriend and a few weeks later my parents finally got the messages “oh dear bad luck never mind”. They were blissfully unaware at the time and their holiday was unaffected. Nowadays that wouldn’t happen.

Very good point.
Travelling when younger was in my experience very much about finding safe spaces where I was - i.e. going to the same cafe every day so that people would know me...

You notice it on trains a lot. Previous to mobiles people actually talked on trains - helped each other even, now most are on mobiles. Which in some ways is very isolating.

Funnily enough, I noticed the exact same thing when I was scrolling through all the shows in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year - so many are focused on young people and their 'issues' and the problems they have navigating the world. I found it quite concerning really.

I think generally it's probably better to think of support for our young adult children as 'coaching' rather than 'parenting'. I'm happy to support and help them through doing certain things maybe the first and second time they do it, but if it continues I try to take a step back.

On a positive note, DS2 has just come back from uni and I have seen such a massive change in his independence and confidence in navigating life this year. It's so heartening as he also has some learning difficulties which tend to make life a bit harder for him.

It’s too easy to message for an answer rather than solve the problem yourself. It’s not their fault that phones have provided too much security.

That sounds hopeful fluffy hamster.
I haven't enjoyed the 'coaching' around A levels at all.
Looking forward to DD getting some independence back.

So many interesting, thought-provoking and helpful posts on this thread. It's really useful to get wider perspective on the set of circumstances - both personal and global - that might have led each of us to where we are and how best to deal with challenges we didn't anticipate at this stage of parenthood.

Minmooch I'm so sorry to read your story and my heart goes out to you and your DS.

(So many unhelpful 'it's your own fault, deal with it' posts too. Ho hum. That's MN I guess.)

Forestfriendly I meant to add, thanks for the book mention (and caveats around it!) I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. (Another thing that can really pull the rug out from under us at this stage of life and bring up lots of complicated, unexpected stuff.)

Thank you CTA

Your post made me cry. It's been beyond SHIT dealing with aftermath of it, plus A level stress etc. Usually I'm upbeat but today I'm exhausted with it all. Better times when exams finish Wed I hope.

@FluffyHamster That is great about your son. I have a primary aged son with dyslexia and it really belts their confidence. I just know though that when he's out of school and can make his own luck rather than following rules and obeying commands he will be so much happier.

ForestFriendly, you're so nearly there! Hopefully you'll get a chance to rest and recoup when exams are over. It might be an opportunity to talk to DD about what you're both looking forward to in the future and the changes ahead that you're excited about, with some gentle messages about how you're looking forward to watching her spread her wings and experience the world for herself. Whether you share it with her or not, I hope you get some time to focus on yourself and process the load you've been carrying.