I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

I would also talk to them about it, explaining that you want them to have the chance to start solving problems on their own.

Not least because one day they will have to.

Parents get ill and die. Some of them young, and some will need far more support than they can provide, long before they get old

Childhood is a 20 year opportunity to teach and practise resilience, independence, the practical social skills they will need in adult life to handle a home, job, partners, employers, clients, bureaucracy, arguments with friends, loss and hurt.

Don't miss the life bus, Mums. It's your kid who'll be left walking home alone in the dark.

Oldest is 13 and tbh I have really cracked down this year. I had way more responsibilities at his age than he does. He considers me mean as his friends don’t have to the things he does. I am talking about putting a wash on changing his bed, hoovering and dusting his room etc. I am not sending him up any chimneys. I had a Saturday job at 15 but so many don’t as they have to study so parents just hand out money. Prom dresses and suits, limos I honestly feel it is all out of control kids don’t need all this stuff and honesty I don’t actually see it helping their mental health. The fun has gone as they have to look a certain way, behave a certain way, ‘live their best life’ what even is that just live life have fun make a fool of yourself occasionally and get over it. All of this builds character so you can deal with a work environment when you get there. Probably going to be very unpopular opinion but they are my thoughts.

This. Sums it up perfectly.

This is a nice post.
So often on MN the attitude seems to be "my parents behaved harshly and I had to cope so my DC will be treated the same".
I know the world is different but surely we can learn lessons from our own parents failings.
My parents neither knew nor cared what I was up to. I got neither financial nor emotional support. I hope I've done better with my DC. I posted earlier that they were very needy up to mid 20s but not any more. They will ask for advice or opinion on some decisions - financial, career etc. but not daily dumping of problems.

Oldest is 13 and tbh I have really cracked down this year. I had way more responsibilities at his age than he does

This is exactly what I mean. At 13 I had to come home from school and do housework and cook dinner for my parents when they got home from work. I had a Saturday job at 13 (1970s). All this made me determeined it would be different for my DC. They have grown up into independant, lovely, thoughtful adults with good careers who are perfectly capable of running a house even though they were not made to do chores as children.

@IrisGold i agree. And the parents on this thread need to take responsibility for this things they’ve not taught their adult children, and their own participation (creation?) of the co dependency.

my mum would maybe have said similar to the above to me in my early 20s. Shortly after 25 I went to therapy, realised how codependent we were and how she was participating and extending my failures rather than giving me calm support and belief in myself.

i backed off and lent on her much less. Before she would have said it was what she wanted. After she didn’t like it.

we have a cordial but more distant relationship now. I offer her more and better emotional support than she ever did me.

but that’s down to her own emotional immaturity not mine.

At what point do they eventually stand on their own two feet! Kids these days can be such snowflakes! During WW2 people of their age were caught up in
a war - they couldn’t run home to mum when the going got tough!

They need to learn to get their act together and start acting like adults. You’ll be doing them a huge favour by not pandering to their whims in the long run

Oh Gosh. Mums are yet again to blame for the entirety of the planet's woes...

Can we hear from your mum?

I don’t understand why parents have become like this. We absolutely need to give our children independence (and yes it is scary), bit by bit, so that they can grow. Our job is to prepare them for life, not baby them.

On Mumsnet that would be considered abuse of a 50 year old "child".

+1000

No I don't and I never have...they were very much the get on with it, figure it out yourself types, which I think has helped us hugely in terms.lf resilience and independence

TBH I think that life is unbelievably more complicated than it was a generation ago and that this has had two effects. One, that anxious parents of small children have helicoptered them more than ever before, in large part due to legitimate concerns about their children's safety and education. Two, that adult children are therefore both less well equipped to work things out for themselves and faced with an extraordinarily complex and demanding world. It's just no good comparing today's 20 somethings with those of the 1990s. They are navigating a wildly different world and will need more, not less, help to understand what they are facing.

The Germans have a saying that applies to this: Kleine kinder, kleine problem, grosse Kinder, grosse Problem.

I often think about that!

I think may be us Mums need to learn the difference between being a crutch to lean on and a P.A, housekeeper, skivvy, driver etc. Yes, listen to the worries, concerns and moans, offer advice when asked and the very occasional practical and financial help but we need to stop running adults to work , dropping everything because they neeeed us, stop letting them rot in a room instead of working, getting out of bed to drop them off because they have booked a terrible flight. We need to make them be adults and stop molly coddling them. We are the problem.

Post 18 they are baby adults and still need guidance IMHO.

School does not prepare kids for real life at all and it is hella scary out there!

Happy to be guiding my 19 year old. I want him to do well in life.

TBH I ring my mum daily. The same way I ring my best friend daily. They both help me out and I help them out. Aren't you supposed to talk to your Mum about getting a parking ticket and being pissed off? Or you're selling your home and don't know what to do about xyz? Or you've got school options coming up and you're panicking?

That is very different from what the OP described in her first post, with constant "emergencies" and being expected to answer texts quickly. Of course there is nothing wrong with being in daily contact with parents and chatting but that is not the same as being expected to be on tap to sort out every problem.

I WhatsApp my mum daily but not to tell her my troubles unless very severe. Just send her happy stuff. Pix of what I am doing or seeing or cooking

Mine are DS22 living away and in year 4 of 5 year uni course and DS20 living at home and working/uni. Eldest is very self sufficient. Comes home regularly but asks for nothing. FaceTimes every week but just for a chat. Youngest only bothers me when he’s worried about something or needs my advice about car insurance/work every now and again / other than that does his own thing. Maybe it’s a girl thing needing that constant parental advice because although I class us as a close family they are both quite independent young men. My DH and I are living our best life and enjoying just the two of us again with bits of family time thrown in when we want it.

I cried reading this thread. The idea of decades more of this would break me.

I have organised my own counsellor to help me deal with the onslaught. I am a good parent kind and will do whatever I can. But it is relentless because they can reach me 247 I feel like it never stops. The messages, requests, problems, issues, set backs, demands. It’s a whole new level of parenting that makes every other stage pale into insignificance. Some of it is pandemic related.

I am glad they can talk to me. If I turn my phone off I worry, so I don’t really know what the answer is.

A combination of turning your phone off for a bit every day and telling them that you are busy and you'll get back to them when you can helps. I've told mine now that sometimes I feel overwhelmed by life (I said life not them specifically) and need some me time. They were very supportive and unbothered!

Mine would have said what a great idea. Send me the links to the ones you’re interested in. End of their active involvement. With my first house I asked them about solicitors and they gave me the contact details of one they had used. They were very supportive of all my efforts, but it was all my effort. They came with me to viewings when asked, and provided opinions when asked, but they didn’t try to fix things, didn’t smooth the path, didn’t preempt things I might need. They left me to make decisions. I got the school start date wrong and arrived a day early to school at about 13, no harm done, I learnt to check the dates. .

I would definitely help a child in looking to buy property - it's such a huge amount of money and something they can't afford to get wrong. And it's beneficial to have someone with a first time buyer who noticed potential pitfalls.
I went with DS1 to his viewings and advised on the issues which cropped up/discussed mortgages etc.
But DS did do a lot of the searching and leg work involved - it's not fair for them to decide to buy a house and delegate all the work to their mums.

Not directed specifically at you op but i see so often parents babying their kids instead of teaching them to be independent.

I've seen Grown adults doing a shop for the first time. Grown adults picked up and dropped off everywhere etcetera

I mean come on if u baby them all their lives you cannot honestly be surprised they cannot do anything for themselves?

One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is independence. That they'll be ok when you're no longer around.

But we have no way of distinguishing in this thread for most people who has the adult children with mental health difficulties who needs more continued support and whose adult children are far more likely to be happy if their parents had said oh yes dear, I’m sure you’ll make the right choice. That’s my walking group buzzing the door, I had better go. Are you able to take the dog next weekend while we are away? You know where all their things are. Thanks so much. Remember if you grab a snack while collecting dog DO NOT leave my kitchen a mess for me to come home to! Bye!