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I want my weekends back!!

162 replies

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 15:22

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

OP posts:
elephantmarchingin · 18/02/2023 23:42

I'm a bit confused. If they are both that age why can't you just go about your weekend as normal? Why is it impacting you that they are in the house.

The mess just don't clean it up and ask them too, I'm not sure what you can't do when they are there??

rain2sunshine · 19/02/2023 00:13

I’ve had time to rise above the judgemental and hurtful comments. I am certainly not terrified to parent, nor am I worried about losing my DD as a friend (or whatever was said). Those accusations say more about the handful of Mumsnetters than they do about me.

Some of you must be very dictating with your children. You lay the rules and the children must obey. I like to think I offer reason & compromise with my DDs.

Admittedly if I had got this situation in hand I wouldn’t have reached out for suggestions, which I why I started saying it was more of an ‘Am I being Unreasonable’ sort of post.

I have had a chat with my DD about why I’m feeling as I do. I have assured her I'm not pushing her out, however if she wants to spend so much time with her DP then perhaps they should consider getting their own place. I also said about the cleaning up after themselves. So far this weekend is better.

Thank you for those of you that showed empathy towards me. Your approach to parenting sounds similar to mine, and I appreciate your suggestions.

I have also realised that being a single parent for 10yrs it could also be that I'm struggling adjusting to having another adult in the house.

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
rain2sunshine · 19/02/2023 00:31

Bunce1 · 18/02/2023 10:25

Just came back on the thread…

@rain2sunshine did you have a more substantial conversation with your Dd today?

hope you’ve been able to set so more substantial boundaries. I don’t doubt your Dd will strop for a bit which would be normal and it’s good to let her air that out- but change must happen.

I can relate to your dd, I used to stay at my bfs house all the time and we would use her car. We were 17/18 and so selfish and she eventually told us to step it up or bugger off. I was so upset as bf had me under the illusion that his mum loved having me there! I think if I had thought about her for one second I would have seen I was overstaying my welcome. I cringe now. But I was young and stupidly selfish.

After my chat with DD yesterday, today has been a much better day. They are shopping for their own food & clearing up after themselves. Requesting the earlier home time for Sunday is a start for me too. Thanks,

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 19/02/2023 00:33

rain2sunshine · 19/02/2023 00:13

I’ve had time to rise above the judgemental and hurtful comments. I am certainly not terrified to parent, nor am I worried about losing my DD as a friend (or whatever was said). Those accusations say more about the handful of Mumsnetters than they do about me.

Some of you must be very dictating with your children. You lay the rules and the children must obey. I like to think I offer reason & compromise with my DDs.

Admittedly if I had got this situation in hand I wouldn’t have reached out for suggestions, which I why I started saying it was more of an ‘Am I being Unreasonable’ sort of post.

I have had a chat with my DD about why I’m feeling as I do. I have assured her I'm not pushing her out, however if she wants to spend so much time with her DP then perhaps they should consider getting their own place. I also said about the cleaning up after themselves. So far this weekend is better.

Thank you for those of you that showed empathy towards me. Your approach to parenting sounds similar to mine, and I appreciate your suggestions.

I have also realised that being a single parent for 10yrs it could also be that I'm struggling adjusting to having another adult in the house.

Thank you ❤️

Did her boyfriend leave after this chat or is he still there?

2023a · 19/02/2023 00:45

Some of you must be very dictating with your children. You lay the rules and the children must obey.

Yes, people have rules in their homes and expect privacy and for their (adult, in this case) children to clean up after themselves. This is a very normal expectation. If you consider that dictatorial, your bar is very low. Or you will basically perform any and all mental gymnastics to avoid having to stand up for yourself in your own home.

You say:

I like to think I offer reason & compromise with my DDs.

But also:

I know I’m being taken for a mug.

I’ve tried to talk to her but it ends up being a row.

I don’t particularly like confrontation which as a result they’re walking all over me. I can see that. I just need to stand up to them without coming across as the bad person - or being made to feel like the bad person should I say.

And also when I say NO it doesn’t get heard

So, your approach isn’t working, is it, OP?

You say:
I am certainly not terrified to parent, nor am I worried about losing my DD as a friend (or whatever was said). Those accusations say more about the handful of Mumsnetters than they do about me.

But also:

I don't want to risk losing my DD, and that her boyfriend could potentially be my SIL.

Which is it?

rain2sunshine · 19/02/2023 00:57

Yes thank you for pointing out those quotes of mine. My last summary was regarding how I parent in general - not just this specific situation.

The ‘not wanting to risk Losing my Daughter’ was in reference when someone suggested ‘if she doesn’t like it tell her to leave’. In my first paragraph I was pointing out the incorrect assumption I am allegedly terrified to parent and worried about losing my daughter as a friend.

I hope that clarifies things

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/02/2023 00:59

RandomSunday · 18/02/2023 23:37

Your daughter is awful and she has clearly brought a mean selfish man into your lives.
He's giving YOU attitude?
I would not tolerate that for a second.
I truly love my children but if being used and abused is a part of the deal they want, I would be giving them a leaving date and wishing them well

Wow! How many DD’s have you thrown out? There is no way on
this earth would I throw my DD out, no matter what she’d done. OPs DD is infatuated with a young man. That’s not an unusual scenario at her age. I’m sure her mother will come up with a more rational conclusion than throwing her DD out. Just like most parents. What experience do have to be doling out advice?? I’m gobsmacked tbh!

Both my DD’s (and DS) have bent boundaries re partners staying over against our “rules”. They all survived. We all survived.

You sound very controlling.

I haven't thrown any child out and don't expect to ever have to, but then the idea that any of my children would be in their 20's, as some actually are, and think that treating me as a skivvy, being rude and bad tempered, leaving me 2 weeks of laundry for them AND a boyfriend would actually fly in this house, is unthinkable.

I most definitely wouldn't be allowing MY home to be used by selfish partners that think they can treat me poorly in MY home.

Lots of women on MN accept very poor treatment from men in general, and I suppose for some it might extend to their childrens boyfriends, who knows.

They also allow themselves to be treated very poorly for an extended period of time until they are finally, understandably, at breaking point.

Unfortunately as is often the case, people who have boundaries often get accused of being controlling or worse🙄.
Funny how people without boundaries absolutely hate them in others.

Far better IMO to be clear and calm about your boundaries in your home and what is acceptable.

Parents that do this don't have this drama because it is far less likely to happen, and if it reared its head it would be quickly checked.

It is possible to have a calm welcoming house where your childrens friends are welcome, without it ending up that you have the type of imposition that has been described here.

Early intervention being key.

But that takes boundaries.

2023a · 19/02/2023 01:25

rain2sunshine · 19/02/2023 00:57

Yes thank you for pointing out those quotes of mine. My last summary was regarding how I parent in general - not just this specific situation.

The ‘not wanting to risk Losing my Daughter’ was in reference when someone suggested ‘if she doesn’t like it tell her to leave’. In my first paragraph I was pointing out the incorrect assumption I am allegedly terrified to parent and worried about losing my daughter as a friend.

I hope that clarifies things

So, them walking all over you, disregarding your ‘no’ and you being unable to stand up for yourself apply only to this situation? In all other instances, you speak up and they listen?

Bunce1 · 19/02/2023 08:39

Nice to see you back on your thread. Sounds like some really positive change had happened. Well done xx

JussathoB · 19/02/2023 09:04

Hi OP it sounds like you raised the issue with your DD in a sensible way and I hope things move forward in a positive way for you all.

LaDamaDeElche · 19/02/2023 15:27

Good that you talked to your DD and hopefully things will change and not change for a while and slip back. I think you need to see boundaries as healthy, as opposed to a thing which could make you lose a relationship. Everyone should have boundaries in any relationship and have them respected, or ultimately the lack of feeling respected is what will damage the relationship. I think your daughter has hers - that she's an adult in a committed relationship and that should be respected, which is sounds like you more than do. You are an adult, who works all week and wants some space and to feel comfortable in their own home at the weekend, which you absolutely have a right to. I think an earlier Sunday leaving time isn't really addressing what you need to be honest. The cleaning up after themselves is addressing the extra work you have to do, but the issue of space still needs some work - you really should insist on just one night a week and the other night at his or every other weekend. Cleaning up after a guest and yourself is the very minimum an adult should be doing, so not really a massive breakthrough tbh.

viques · 19/02/2023 17:04

It is 5.00 pm on Sunday. I hope the OP has her feet up, a glass of wine to hand and is enjoying the peace and quiet of her own home.

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