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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

I want my weekends back!!

162 replies

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 15:22

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

OP posts:
Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 19:19

I somehow find texting her easier because I have time to structure what I want to say to her. She then has time to read it and absorb the information before we then see each other face to face - usually by which time she is calmer and more adult like.

I wouldn’t have got away with her behaviour when I was living at home. And my mum keeps reminding me she wouldn’t put up with this.

I think I’ve always liked our home being somewhere safe for my kids where their friends like to come round. I haven’t got any issue with boyfriends being here, it’s the full weekend every weekend that is the problem. And also when I say NO it doesn’t get heard.

Your comments are helping me to realise I’m not being unreasonable feeling like I do. Thank you,

OP posts:
krustykittens · 17/02/2023 19:26

Sometimes you have to be the bad guy, OP, you are her parent, not her friend. She is only paying a contribution, so not half. You are providing her with a roof over her head, paying utilities and keeping her fed, so unless she wants to step up and pay for half of everything, she doesn't get a deciding vote. Her guests are imposing on YOUR house and YOUR finances and therefore her hospitality can only extend as far as YOU want it to. If she doesn't like it, she moves out. She might go ballistic, she might move out and not speak to you for awhile, but she will come around. You are Queen of your house, never forget that! You are entitled to have your home run the way you want it to.

BeeBB · 17/02/2023 19:30

I couldn’t be annoyed with that every weekend either OP and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

If he is here tonight. Tell them tonight that you would like the house to yourself tomorrow night. So could they stay at his or make other arrangements after lunch tomorrow and going forward having X staying all weekend and every weekend is too much so they can either (whatever you fancy) alternate one night at yours and one night at his on a weekend or he can just stay at yours alternate weekends (only offer them one choice, whatever you are happiest with or can tolerate best).

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 17/02/2023 19:30

Texting gives you both time to reflect, so that’s fine.

How about something along these lines:

”DD, I appreciate that you are contributing something to our household expenses. However, since doing that you seem to be treating this as a place you have an equal stake in. That’s not how it works.

“This is your home but it isn’t your boyfriend’s weekend residence. If you want him here for the occasional overnight, that’s fine. What’s not fine is a regular Friday to Sunday stay. You can spend nights apart, nights at his home. If you need to be together all the time, the two of you need to look for a place together. I am fine with <whatever you are fine with, say one night a fortnight > but I am not running a guest house.
” I have gone along with it for a lot longer than I was happy with, and we now need to address it. I love you, you have a home with me while you need it but that doesn’t extend to other people, however much I like them.”

Brefugee · 17/02/2023 19:34

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

as with so many things here - you have to articulate your thoughts not leave her to deduce it with hints or telepathy.
If you find it hard to talk, you need to write a list and read it off.

It is your home, you want to walk around all weekend in your undies and scratch, fart and burp in the living room. (maybe you don't but if she thinks you're going to do this..)

You are an adult (so is she) so behave like one. By not speaking you are also modelling bad relationship behaviour to her. She will expect her partner to read her mind because she's not used to anything else. It's a recipe for disaster.

Make it very clear how much you are prepared to put up with in terms of his presence. Think of it like haggling a price at a market, start very very low so that you can appear to give ground.

viques · 17/02/2023 19:36

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 17:13

He lives with his mum & siblings

Well unless the mum and siblings and bf are all sharing the same bed that doesn’t mean your dd can’t stay there too ! And as a poster upthread said his living conditions aren’t your responsibility, it is fairly clear that he enjoys a much more salubrious and peaceful weekend at yours than he gets at home, which is why you need to winkle him out pdq before he turns up at your door with a suitcase or two.

Beautiful3 · 17/02/2023 19:36

You'll have to tell her boyfriend directly, that he's welcome to stay on Fridays but he has to leave at 12 noon on Saturdays as you want the weekend to yourself. I moved out at 21, when I entered a relationship as my mother wouldn't allow it.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2023 19:40

This is why I never allowed the boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers

Not because of misplaced prudishness about them having a sex life. But purely because if they want to live as partners, they get their own place. The End.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 19:55

Tonight I have told her I don’t want her to feel pushed out of her home, but if she is wanting to spend all this time with and they can’t spend at least equal time at his house, then perhaps they need to get a flat together.
For this weekend I have said he needs to go home by 4pm on Sunday.

OP posts:
TenThousandSpoons · 17/02/2023 19:59

4pm Saturday don’t you mean? 😬

Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 20:04

4pm on Sunday? No surely that’s a typo???

Emmamoo89 · 17/02/2023 20:09

Yanbu x

SauteedOwl · 17/02/2023 20:10

This is just a case of being nice but firm.

'Tim is welcome round here are you know but to monopolise my home every single weekend has to stop. Please choose a night you'd like him to stay over and let me know'

Or suggest every other weekend.

I understand you don't want to come down overly hard so the above is a compromise as you start to slowly dial this back

It is not your problem that he's a bit cramped at home so your spacious house is much nicer.

If she mentions that she pays rent, it's then time to say ' OK. we can discuss Tim staying over every weekend but for that to happen, you need to pay the market rent which is £500 a month' (or whatever the going rent is round your area for a rental with full use of the home)

Just be firm but fair.

mackthepony · 17/02/2023 20:12

But she's fine with taking advantage and making you feel like this? Not exactly respectful

Upsidedownagain · 17/02/2023 20:16

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 19:55

Tonight I have told her I don’t want her to feel pushed out of her home, but if she is wanting to spend all this time with and they can’t spend at least equal time at his house, then perhaps they need to get a flat together.
For this weekend I have said he needs to go home by 4pm on Sunday.

Sounds fair to me. Think I'd stop asking for the money (so she doesn't feel entitled) and tell her to save it towards moving out.

isthewashingdryyet · 17/02/2023 20:18

Not tough enough my lovely, text again to say, sorry, 4 pm Saturday not Sunday.

Brefugee · 17/02/2023 20:24

4pm Sunday? pull on your big girl pants and say he must be gone by mid afternoon tomorrow. And that next weekend he is not welcome at all

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 20:26

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 19:55

Tonight I have told her I don’t want her to feel pushed out of her home, but if she is wanting to spend all this time with and they can’t spend at least equal time at his house, then perhaps they need to get a flat together.
For this weekend I have said he needs to go home by 4pm on Sunday.

Omg, op, you are an absolute doormat. Honestly, this is ridiculous. Tell her he isn't welcome this weekend AT ALL. They can see each other somewhere else.

bellsbuss · 17/02/2023 20:29

We had this and I put my foot down , it was twice in the week and then all weekend. I said it could only be one weekend night and twice in the week. There was a lot grumbling but I said we as her parents need couple time too.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 20:40

4pm on Sunday is a relief for this weekend as a starting point. Usually it’s midnight, so at least I’ll get a few hours to myself on Sunday night. And now I have expressed how I’m feeling we can have a proper chat this week.
Thank you everyone. He is nice enough as a boyfriend for her, and he makes her happy. It’s just the extra person; expense and mess I’m not coping with.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/02/2023 20:44

4pm on Sunday ?

Deary me

closingscore · 17/02/2023 20:44

I wouldn't bother with negotiations - it's your house and you're entitled to enjoy some peace. If you're ok with him staying one night, tell her he can stay one night and that's that.

Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 20:45

youve made a start in the right direction. Give them a shelf in the fridge for their grub too- they buy their own!

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2023 20:47

Don't have a "chat." This isn't a negotiation or a debate. Tell her he can stay two nights a month, that's it. Get your home back.

Brefugee · 17/02/2023 20:55

It’s just the extra person; expense and mess I’m not coping with.

there should be no expense and mess. Tell them to buck their ideas up. They can spend the weekend cleaning up.