I want my weekends back!!

[rain2sunshine]

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

YANBU!
I know it’s 30 years ago, but I was in a serious (ended up marrying him) relationship at 16 and the rule from my parents was one night per weekend only. I remember thinking that was totally fair at the time. It had got to a similar point with him there all the time and my mum just sat me down and explained exactly as you have - we are a family and need some time to rest and relax at weekends. So he can do Friday OR Saturday - but not both. I think giving the reasons, as you’ve laid out in your post, will be enough.

This. OP, are you seriously suggesting your daughter would cut you out of her life forever because you didn't do exactly what she wanted? What sort of person does that make her? And you?

@rain2sunshine

this! 👆

Absolutely this!

Are you providing food? Surely you can stop,that straight away. Also, do you get them to help do chores? If not, then maybe you can start?

Just came back on the thread…

@rain2sunshine did you have a more substantial conversation with your Dd today?

hope you’ve been able to set so more substantial boundaries. I don’t doubt your Dd will strop for a bit which would be normal and it’s good to let her air that out- but change must happen.

I can relate to your dd, I used to stay at my bfs house all the time and we would use her car. We were 17/18 and so selfish and she eventually told us to step it up or bugger off. I was so upset as bf had me under the illusion that his mum loved having me there! I think if I had thought about her for one second I would have seen I was overstaying my welcome. I cringe now. But I was young and stupidly selfish.

Yes, I totally agree.
I gave an example of how it works for us. It's not having a BF and GF in the house that's the issue, it's the lack of respect that OPs DD has for her parent.

I would absolutely hate that, YANBU at all. I can completely understand you just want to relax after working all week not worry about keeping up appearances.

I think you need to spell it out to her. Your house is your sanctuary and you need to be able to relax and unwind after working all week. Tell her he can stay for every other weekend for one or two nights, or one night a week whatever you feel you can put up with. They can spend the other weekends at his, or not if it’s not suitable, that’s up to them but they can’t trample all over your free time.

Start walking around in various states of undress. It's your house, if you want to walk around in just your pants, that's your right. If he/they don't like it they can stay in her room, or go elsewhere.

I get it.

This is both yours and your daughters home so you both should feel comfortable there. But it’s also your house. But you don’t want the daughter to feel like it’s no longer her home. The problem is it actually no longer feels like your home.

I think this probably could have been avoided by setting firmer boundaries earlier on so they’ve kinda developed an expectation now. But it’s absolutely not a reason why this can’t be changed

I think you just have to be honest about why this doesn’t work for you. You don’t feel comfortable and relaxed, and the extra cost/mess is also an issue

A compromise needs reaching. Ultimately what you decide on is what you feel comfortable with in your house that makes it feel like your home again.

For me this would be alternate weekends. Boyfriend at yours one, the daughter and him at his parents the next. I don’t think this warrants an increase in board as you are gaining a body one weekend but losing one the next. But it does go without saying they should respect the house and clean up after themselves.

If there isn’t an option of them staying at his parents at the weekend then tough shit. It’s still only every other weekend he can stay at yours. You could compromise by letting him stay a few nights in the week of the weekend he doesn’t stay. Eg Monday/Tuesday where it’s not impacting on your weekend time.

this would justify a board increase as he’s staying at yours 2/3 nights per week. On top of the respecting of house rules re: tidying. If he says he’s paying board at home then his mum should recognise your actually boarding him nestle half a week so some of that should go to you

they both need to be functioning adults contributing to the household. If he’s staying in the week they can do things like cooking dinner etc.

good luck

OP I am living the same nightmare as you. This text is perfect. I wish I had seen this last month. Basically we, too, have been putting up with BF moving in every weekend. Way longer than we should have. Last month it all came to a head when the weekend turned into a week, and then two.

I totally lost my rag with them both. I’m ashamed that I handled it so badly. DH is retired. I’m not in great health and had to give up my job as my illness is very unpredictable. So, in effect, we are living day to day on DH pension. We also care for our 2 grandchildren twice a week while their parents work. That’s our eldest DD’s children.

DD and BF have full time jobs. She pays £180 a month lodge - which basically covers her phone rental, car tax, insurance and MOT. This was decided between herself and DH. I would have doubled that amount to cover her food, washing (which she has never done and always causes arguments whenever I have dumped her dirty laundry in her room for her to wash herself), heating, WiFi and everything else we all have to pay for.

We are both so extremely tired. BF is ok(ish) but expects everything to be handed to him on a plate. DD was never selfish but has now taken on his stance. Just having that one extra person to pussyfoot around and clean after has tipped me over the edge.

I now find myself in a hostile situation. DD refuses to speak to me. She is extremely defensive of BF. Mine and DH relationship is strained. I wish she would just move out! However, this is her home. She can’t afford a deposit or rent on her own. He spends his wages on eating out and alcohol. See where his priorities lie?

That text says everything I have tried to get across to DD except it’s taken me a month of both of us screaming at each other and we are still at loggerheads.

I have suggested he stays here one night a week and they stay at his parents one night a week. He has the hump with me and doesn’t want to stay here again. Now all I’m getting from her is how wonderful his parents are that they allow her to spend two nights a week at theirs. It won’t last. Everyone needs their own space. I felt that my home, personal space, finances, MY LIFE had been invaded. DD sees it as spending quality time with her chosen partner in HER home. No matter what I have suggested it obviously doesn’t sit well with DD and her BF. Except them spending time at his. There will be a blow up at his very soon. Only then will they realise its their actions that cause problems and distress to others. Nobody can expect to Free load forever. To cap it all last weekend they booked a holiday to America for themselves! Because they need space from everyone and time to themselves 🤷🏻‍♀️🤬

You have my sympathy OP. Hope you deal with it a lot better than I did 💐

For gods sake tell them they need to rent their own place - no way would I tolerate that!!!

but you offer her a roof over her head, electricity, water etc, and in return she gives you money. Not enough to cover her entire portion i guess, and it's your house so you get to set the rules.

Interesting
im in the same situation,feeling frustrated as well

Stop doing anything for anyone, especially shopping, including for your husband who doesn't have your back.

Women will largely be given as much crap as they will tolerate by their family.

I certainly would say that is a possibility of my 4 children.

I love them dearly and they are great but would they walk all over me if I didn't have firm boundaries.....I definitely think it's a possibility if they were reared to think the world revolves around them.
They weren't.

Your daughter is awful and she has clearly brought a mean selfish man into your lives.

He's giving YOU attitude?

I would not tolerate that for a second.

I truly love my children but if being used and abused is a part of the deal they want, I would be giving them a leaving date and wishing them well.

A relationship built on me accepting abuse and selfishness is not one I need in my life at nearly 60.

My childrens friends are very welcome, they stay over regularly BUT I am asked if it is OK, and I usually say yes as it is respectful.

The teens buy food and will ask to throw it on, again ok.

But moving friends of either sex in for every weekend?

Not a bloody chance.

And if that means I'm awful, selfish, lack understanding...so be it.

I can take that, but no way will I give up control of our home to anyone.

Ignore the people who are being too stern and calling you a mug, they can hide behind their keyboards and say anything. Realistically, OF COURSE you want to stay on good terms with your daughter and potential SIL, so of course the situation needs to be handled in a certain way, not like a bull in a china shop. Your curfew is a great idea, how about next weekend he has to leave by 7pm on a Sat night, then if they want to hang out they can spend the rest of the weekend at his. Flat is the best solution though if feasible 👌

P.S. I would have gone bonkers by now. As a proud introvert I HAVE to slob around at the weekend in my own space 😂

I'd have the row me. So much wiping of arses of adult kids these days.

I think you need to speak to them both together and say look you're a great guy and I'm really glad you're going out with my daughter but bloody hell the two of you together are so messy. My house is a tip every time you come and I don't get any time to myself. I'm having to clean up all your mess when I want to relax and enjoy my weekend. If you were living in a flat, would you be happy with me coming to stay every weekend and making your place a mess?

@billy1966 DD isn’t my only child. She is the last of 5. All of them have brought friends and partners home to stay on occasion. I have no problem at all with DD asking if her partner can stay every now and again.

When he started to stay one night, then two every weekend I had words with the then and it stopped for a while. Neither were happy and I was the wicked witch of the west - until they wanted something. Thats par for the course as parents.

My other 4 have moved out with their partners. They didn’t expect to move their partners in, indefinitely, and expect me to put up with it.

These two are a completely different kettle of fish. Selfish? Oh absolutely! When they left my laundry basket overflowing with 2 weeks worth of dirty clothes EACH he was given his marching orders.

I won’t be throwing my daughter out though. She has a home for however long she needs. It has created a very difficult relationship between me and her though and I’m very sorry about that. It was unnecessary. I handled it wrong. I should have sat down, calmed down, worked out what I needed to say and handled it rationally. Unfortunately in the heat of the moment I saw red and exploded.

They took the piss and I took the bait.
There’s not a lot I can do about it now until DD rationalises it for herself.

Whatever happens I won’t be throwing my daughter out. I take responsibility for her. He is not my responsibility. I owe him nothing

It is quite hard to put into words the really extraordinary fundamental disrespect she has for you, that they both have for you, to leave two weeks of laundry for you, the house skivvy.

That you are beating yourself up for exploding is really sad, as you sound so extremely tolerant of them.

Unbelievably so.

In your place I would be very sad to have raised someone so spectacularly unreasonable and so uncaring of a no longer young set of parents, with health issues.

She is an adult and you do her no favours by taking full responsibility for the relationship you have with her.

Infantilising her has brought you to this place.

No doubt it has played a part in her awful choice of a mean selfish disrespectful partner too.

Leaving his laundry for YOU to do.🙄
Only on MN.

I wish you the best honestly, but modeling a strong woman with boundaries is a good example to our daughters.

With all you do for everyone, with so little thanks, what do you think she is being modelled?

She clearly believes a mother should shup up, suck it up and clean up, do her laundry and that of her awful boyfriend.

This is NOT normal behaviour.

Most women would have exploded LONG before you did.

Mind yourself, no one else appears to be.

Thank you for your words of wisdom @billy1966. I’m sure your young DC won’t cause you any angst as they grow 😂 It’s very different parenting young children than adults.

DD is home. She lasted a whole 2 weekends at her wonderful in laws. All I hope is that toxic relationship is over for good. My DD became a very different person when she met BF. I don’t expect you to understand that seeing as you have never experienced parenting adult DC. Your time will come. Only then will you be able to offer advice. Until then…. You know nothing!

Hope you are doing ok OP. Sorry for the distraction 😏

I have 4 children, late teens early 20's so not young.

..and I am heading for 60.

So I certainly know how self absorbed children can be IF you tolerate it.

I wrote that clealy in my earlier post.

I clearly wrote they will often dish as much guff as you will tolerate as a parent.

Mine are very normal young adults in all that they do.

However, berating me for not allowing friends to half move in, leaving a mess for ME to clean up, or the washing of their friends? Nope they have not done that...but there is definitely some way to go so you never know what they might chance!

But I stand by the message I want to send to my sons and daughters.

I am not the house skivvy to them and their friends just because I am a woman.

I won't tolerate them having friends stay over without the courtesy of checking with us that it suits.

I may be their mother and love them dearly, but that doesn't mean that I don't have feelings and having a good relationship with me involves respect and courtesy and a bit of appreciation for all I do.

Sometimes they need firm reminding of the above and I have absolutely no difficulty in doing it.

Good luck.

Is your DD your first born OP? I’m the eldest and the thing I most regret is standing toe to toe with my mum about having my partner stay over against mums wishes. I knew it all and, with hindsight, I knew nothing. My mum didn’t trust my partner (when I was early 20’s) but couldn’t put her finger on why she didn’t trust him.

Anyway, long story short DP dumped me because mum refused to house him. He used me to get a clean place to live in, rent free. At the time I was in teacher training college. He told me he was too. As it turns out he wasn’t.

Look out for your DD. If you don’t like her partner it’s for good reason. Don’t allow your DD to ask for anything you wouldn’t ask for yourself. I do regret the shit I put my dear mother through. I wish I could turn back time 🥲

I raised my siblings from the time the eldest was 16. I didn’t allow them to bring a partner into my home to stay. Only because I got burnt. My mother was wonderful and committed to us. I failed her and nothing will ease my guilt that I tried to dupe her. I was duped too.

Speak to your DD. Communication is key. Adult DC are tricky! My eldest is coming up 18. Im dreading the next few years but I’m prepared because I have experience of what can happen.

Good luck OP. The toddler years are easy in comparison eh?

Your daughter is awful and she has clearly brought a mean selfish man into your lives.
He's giving YOU attitude?
I would not tolerate that for a second.
I truly love my children but if being used and abused is a part of the deal they want, I would be giving them a leaving date and wishing them well

Wow! How many DD’s have you thrown out? There is no way on
this earth would I throw my DD out, no matter what she’d done. OPs DD is infatuated with a young man. That’s not an unusual scenario at her age. I’m sure her mother will come up with a more rational conclusion than throwing her DD out. Just like most parents. What experience do have to be doling out advice?? I’m gobsmacked tbh!

Both my DD’s (and DS) have bent boundaries re partners staying over against our “rules”. They all survived. We all survived.

You sound very controlling.