I want my weekends back!!

[rain2sunshine]

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

Can you tell her he can only visit 2 weekends per month? Or every other weekend? Try to find a compromise if you don't want to ban him altogether.

I've bet here so I'm going to say this-

Get a grip. It's your own fault. Stop being a pushover. If you won't stop it, stop complaining.

Been.

And no, I didn't sort it and only slapped myself later.

I understand how you’re feeling. Like you I work full time and just want to slob at a weekend. it’s difficult to get the balance right

Early 20s there adults so put your foot down and enjoy some time for you

This is even trickier in a way. If they are only 16 you end up having more responsibility and they have even fewer options. I feel for you.

So what is there is more room at your house! That's got absolutely nothing to do with you.

You don't just get to pick the best house and stay there. They have options. They could pay for an air BNB or a hotel, they can stay in a hotel, they can stay with friends, they can stay at his, they can rent a flat or they can both stay in their own homes separately.

A lot of the comments on this thread are not just harsh but ridiculous

lots of parents don’t want to be hard-ass on our young adult kids

get them to help a bit more, also be less accommodating and be in the way a bit more (my 18 and 20yr old like to claim the whole of downstairs when their GFs are over, but some days that does not work for me

also when the are home they are doing their part looking after the dogs.,The dog beds are downstairs, they can’t lock the dogs in the kitchen (too small, not fair), and I nag them about cleaning up if necessary

they sigh a bit and sometimes prefer going to the park or the pub

basically they are welcome and their GFs too but don’t make it too comfortable 😁

other example: by 3pm on a Sunday any guests have to leave downstairs area, as DH needs to lesson plan then

can you exert a few small boundaries to start?

can you exert a few small boundaries to start?

to be fair, OP did say that 4 pm sunday is the start and she plans to gradually get her home back, which is fair.
But i do feel that OP needs to get an instant grip on the mess and expense.

I think maybe just put up with it rather than risk upsetting your daughter

You just have to tell her that you want to feel relaxed in your own home. Yes, it’s her home too, but it isn’t his. They need to alternate weekends at the least. Tough if his living arrangements aren’t spacious. The other alternative is that they move in together.

Are you being sarcastic? God, no wonder generations of entitled kids are becoming entitled adults. It’s ok to have boundaries as a parent and for them to be respected. Children expect this of their parents as they become adults, so it absolutely works both ways. No one should put up with something that’s unreasonable and is making them unhappy just so they don’t run the risk of upsetting the person who is doing the thing that’s making them unhappy, even if that person is their adult child. We give our lives to our children and make multiple sacrifices when they are young. When they are adults they should have the maturity to realise that their parents are people in their own right, not just mums and dads. The selfish way a 13 year old thinks shouldn’t be the way a 20 plus adult sees their parents.

You need to be able to be have honest conversation with your daughter without her being defensive. I know when we had a similar type of conversation with my daughter she used to go to the immediate defensive- we reassured her that we liked the boyfriend and this was always her home but we needed a balance. Here my daughter has her own bathroom so feels more comfortable here but it needs to be a balance across both homes.

Shes at uni now & he lives near us, they now balance fairly - so neither parent feels it’s all on them.

I genuinely don't understand. We have 3 adult DC here and there is always someone's BF or GF here. DH and I just get on with our lives around them. They don't take the piss though, they all clean up after themselves. I work FT but love having extra people to talk to.

I bet you have a lovely big house though….!!!!

Haven't read all the replies so apologies if I'm repeating things.

Firstly, they should alternate weekends at each house, it's absolutely not fair that every weekend should be at yours.

Secondly, you were right to ask him to leave by 4pm on Sunday (hopefully he will) and that should continue for the weekends he stays.

Thirdly, they need to tidy/clean up after themselves, it's basic respect and manners.

If your daughter doesn't like any of these conditions she can move out. She's in her early 20s and presumably in paid work. Alternatively if you really don't want to tell her to leave then increase her contribution to cover rent, bills (including extra food, water and electricity for her boyfriend at weekends) and a service charge for cleaning up after them.

It won't ruin your relationship with your daughter if you're more assertive. She'll probably have more respect for you in the longer run.

It's clear this is going to go on until they eventually move out of their own accord because you are unable to put your foot down. These wet lettuce posts drive me mad.

I don’t think there has even been a time when arrangements for having people around have not been discussed at this house. Both DS and I ask if the time/date is suitable before bringing people in, from the play dates after school in primary to landing here for the weekend with his university friends.

Don’t hint, just tell her. Go for the compromise, it is ok for him to be around from x to z but not every weekend or all the weekend.

OP,

You sound so lovely but what you are accepting here is NOT normal.

I have 4 children late teens/early 20's and this would not be tolerated in our home nor is it in the homes of their friends.

You are being pushed around and have a another adult moved in for nearly half the week.

Your daughter raises her voice to you when you object?

She sounds dreadful and you sound bullied and intimidated by her.

She should be utterly ashamed of herself.

You sound more than reasonable.

Your relationship with children is a two way street, but if one party are as selfish as your daughter sounds, you cannot protect it on your own.

Fear is not a good parenting position.

Leaving a mess is completely unreasonable.

I think you need to think very carefully exactly what is acceptable to you, do not be over generous.

One night would be very very generous in my view.

Have you other children?

This is not fair on them either.

This is your home and you are absolutely entitled to peaceful downtime.

Your daughter seems to lack any consideration for others, it is down to you to insist she learns some, even at this very late stage.

She is being a spoiled selfish brat here and you really should not be putting up with it.

I cannot stress strongly enough to you how this is not what other parents accept.

Wishing you well and strength.

Unless you are firm, this is your life and it won't end well with your stress levels.

She needs to move out if she wants to half live with someone, it really is that simple.

You could have years and years of this if you are not careful.

Don't be bullied in your own home, while you slog to pay for it all.

She needs a dose of reality. Fast.

I'd decide in advance where I wanted to set my boundaries: him staying one night a week once a month, a full weekend once a month, a £50 a night financial contribution in recompense for you losing the quiet enjoyment of your home or whatever. I would then wait for them to make a mess in the kitchen or bathroom or empty the fridge and then draw their attention to it and calmly tell them you've had enough and there will have to be changes. Don't argue about it: tell them what you want and suggest that if it doesn't suit them they need to make their own arrangements or get a flat together. Some people need to actually see the problem in front of them — the dirty kitchen, the wet towels and puddles all over the bathroom floor — before they can appreciate there's a real problem. No need for shouting on your part. You just say that you want your home back at the weekends and keep repeating it calmly. And you stick to whatever offer you've decided on.

'I need some time and space to myself' said in a polite way won't register with 20-somethings, they'll think that's just you having a menopausal moment. But when confronted with mess and waste it's more difficult to argue with.

You need to learn to deal with confrontation, OP. Are you a doormat at work and in other areas of your life? Imagine how your life could be transformed by gaining the ability to say clearly and firmly what you want. There are lots of assertiveness books available. Learning to be more assertive might transform other areas of your life too. Good luck.

Op my dd in her very early 20s would hover between being a very reasonable adult and a stroppy selfish teenager. I definitely understand the texting thing - it gave both of us a chance to think about what we wanted to really say.

Even if this boy does end up as your son in law, so what? You will have shown him (and her) from an early stage that you have boundaries. I bet she doesn't think badly of her bf's family that she can't stay round their home all the time!

Your dd needs to realise that there are negative things to her living at home still, and decide whether it is worth it for her. One of these things is that her bf can't stay all the time because it doesn't work for you.

Good luck.

Good on you!!

I have done a good job raising my children

Except she is in her early 20s, still living at home, won't clean up after herself and you can't even talk to her!? She is totally taking the P and you are letting her. Wake up!

Sorry if this is 'harsh' but this is not reasonable at all. Of course you should be allowed to 'slob around' at home at the weekend. She should stay at his 50% of the time or move out and get a flat.

@SoShallINever

you like it, fine.
op doesnt.
therefore she needs to put her foot down and tell her daughter.
i doubt she will though. Sounds too scared to.

Interesting that you say giving you a small amount of money made her entitled. Recently I mentioned to my daughter that I would prefer she heated up the leftover lasagne rather than putting the oven on AGAIN for something else she wanted to make. I pointed out that it was expensive to have the oven on repeatedly. But she was trying to calculate how much the oven would cost for 45 minutes and then she sent me 59 cent by revolut. I stood my ground and told her that it was my house and if I wanted to make a comment about the central heating or the oven or the dishwasher it was my prerogative to make that comment without getting a ton of attitude back. But grrrrr, it's why I don't ask for money from my 19 year old. She could afford to give me a small amount of money but it would make her feel she had some ownership, she'd feel she could could change everything.

If she ever brings it up again I'll tell her she can take over the electricity bill