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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I want my weekends back!!

162 replies

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 15:22

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

OP posts:
rexythedinosaur · 17/02/2023 16:48

I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

Well you know what you should do already.

You probably can't avoid an argument, why are you trying to? It's your space and you get to say what you want, so say it.

When I was that age I wouldn't even dream of asking my mum if my boyfriend could basically live in the house at weekends because I'd have known that the answer would be a big fat no!

catandcoffee · 17/02/2023 17:00

Your daughter is acting like a teenager. Take control of your house back OP.

If adult daughter doesn't like the rules... tell her to get her own place.
Honestly it's so disrespectful to you.

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 17:05

So what if there's a row ... is she bullying you? Are you afraid of her? She is clearly showing no respect for you or your home so a row might just clear the air.

strawberry2017 · 17/02/2023 17:06

Where does he live?

maryofthevirginkind · 17/02/2023 17:07

Explain that as much as you like him you're not prepared for him to stay every weekend and they need to alternate it. His cramped situation shouldn't impact you.

Say you need time at home without him at the weekend.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 17:13

He lives with his mum & siblings

OP posts:
BeExcellent2EachOther · 17/02/2023 17:16

Tell them you're hosting a swinging party this weekend, so they can either stay and join in or make themselves scarce.

That should sort it Grin

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 17:18

Thanks for all the messages. I’m not sure how to reply directly to comments.
I have text my daughter while we’re in different rooms 🙄 to enforce how I’m feeling and these arrangements can’t continue.
I don’t particularly like confrontation which as a result they’re walking all over me. I can see that. I just need to stand up to them without coming across as the bad person - or being made to feel like the bad person should I say. Being a single parent for 10yrs means I lay down the rules with no one to back me up.
Also, I don’t want how I’m feeling now to impact on mine & my daughters relationship in future years.
Thank you again for all your understanding. The lounging in underwear comment made me laugh!

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 17:26

Hilarious that they are yours all the time cos his house is cramped! The irony!

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 17:33

Bunce1 I know. They’ve got a more spacious house for a weekend while I’m putting up with an extra one here 😞

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 17/02/2023 17:52

You should be able to say to them- it’s lovely you’re here but you need to alternate the weekends.

bloodyshed · 17/02/2023 17:59

NO is a complete sentence.

And. What is the long term / moving out plan?

gettingalifttothestation · 17/02/2023 18:11

I just wouldn't have this. I work all week and I want to relax in my home at the weekend.

OhNoNotThatAgain · 17/02/2023 18:15

He's eating your food and using your water, electricity, broadband and whatever else for 2-3 days a week every week? And leaving the place untidy no doubt.

That's not really on, is it?

BreviloquentBastard · 17/02/2023 18:17

Start invoicing him for the food, water, heating, electricity and housekeeping every Sunday night when he leaves. Cheeky fuckers the pair of them.

Karatema · 17/02/2023 18:17

Tell your daughter you've decided to become a Naturist so will be walking around the house naked from arriving home Friday to going back to waking up Monday! 🤣

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2023 18:35

Early 20s - so earning not studying?
And DD only makes ‘a small contribution’ but she AND her BF eat your food, use your electric etc?

You need to readjust expectations. Be brave.

TheNine · 17/02/2023 18:42

You should be more like the mother in law in that recent thread, walking around the kitchen in your knickers and a t shirt that doesn’t cover your bum! Or no t shirt 😂

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/02/2023 18:45

"I just need to stand up to them without coming across as the bad person - or being made to feel like the bad person should I say."

Or by not caring about how you come across, and not caring about your daughter twisting it and saying your a bad person. I can definitely recommend this approach personally. Very freeing, and it no longer feels like confrontation IYSWIM.

'Daughter, your boyfriend is not staying here this weekend, I am fed up with him being here every weekend, I want a bit of privacy this weekend, and future weekends too'.

'OMG I can't believe you'd say that, how horrible are you, this is my home and I pay for it and you can't stop me'.

'I'm not being horrible, and this is your home only as long as I accommodate you. If you wish to move out and pay for your own place that's fine, then I'll definitely get privacy at the weekends. Your choice'.

The trick is to not care about being out to be the bad one, because you know that's bollocks.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 17/02/2023 18:48

Yeah I wouldn't like this either, I'm a single parent and know what you mean about have ng no one to back you up.

Are they saving up for their own place?

They definitely need to alternate weekends and spend the occasional night at a hotel or friends house.

Dillydollydingdong · 17/02/2023 18:51

You don't talk to her about it. You TELL her it's not happening! It's not up for debate.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/02/2023 19:02

Of course you aren’t.

But it sounds like you haven’t been clear with your daughter. She’s at the age where people do start to realise their parents are people, so just tell her that you work all week, and you need space, privacy and peace at weekends, so while she is welcome to be around you are only happy to have her boyfriend for an evening and a stay over every other Saturday. (Or whatever suits)

She may say that’s unfair, in which case you need to explain kindly but bluntly that you can see why she feels like that, but then the answer is to stay at his place more, or move out.

If you’ve been babying her or she is just young for her age she may find this hard to swallow at first, but keep reiterating both your perspective and the new house rules. And stick to them - tell her no exceptions or extensions for 3 months.

TBF to her you do sound like a pretty dreadful communicator (texting her when in different rooms) so try and work on that and generally asserting yourself.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 17/02/2023 19:06

If I was your daughter I’d be embarrassed that I was abusing my mum’s hospitality like this. She sounds very selfish.

converseandjeans · 17/02/2023 19:14

Do they work? Surely they could have weekends away in a Travelodge maybe once a month?

It's not fair & I can see why you don't want them around all weekend.

It's probably time for them to get their own place.

Shunkleisshiny · 17/02/2023 19:17

If she has a strop, let her strop. Your daughter needs you, far more than you need her.