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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I want my weekends back!!

162 replies

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 15:22

So it's a bit of an 'Am I Being Unreasonable' kind of scenario.

Daughters boyfriend is here all weekend every weekend. It's driving me bonkers. Friday night to late Sunday night.

Daughter doesn't seem to appreciate that I work Mon-Fri and want at least part of the weekend to have the house to ourselves. Is that too much to ask?

I feel like I'm always grumpy and moaning about the shower usage; bathroom & kitchen a mess; food consumption. I know what I should say / do, but how do I go about it without massive arguments.

It's really getting me down.
Thank you for any support and suggestions

OP posts:
JussathoB · 17/02/2023 21:03

I actually have experienced something similar with one of my 20something DC. I really understand your feelings and I think they are entirely understandable. However some posters who keep saying just put your foot down are being over simplistic. You probably want to keep a strong relationship with your daughter and you want to stay on good terms now and in future. In my case the boyfriend who was outstaying his welcome in my eyes is still around 8 years later and may well eventually be my SIL and potential father of my GC. I was so irritated by the fact he wouldn’t go home on a Sunday evening when I wanted to start readying myself for a new week at work, I could easily have said get out and stay out but I’m glad I didn’t. I didn’t want to risk losing my daughter and I’m glad I didn’t. This is a phase. It could be worse.
Try for a couple of small improvements re the clearing up. Then really the situation will likely only improve if they do take steps forward to move out. In my case we were fortunate that my DC got herself a regular income, he had a job too and we were lucky to be able to help her with a deposit for rental on a flat nearby, so they became independent and we had our house back.

ssd · 17/02/2023 21:06

I really dont get this.
Did your dd walk all over you all her life op?
You are the parent, so parent. Its that simple. If she doesn't like it she goes and rents.

Both my dcs had their partners here overnight but never taking the piss like your dd. But ive used the word no since they were little. And there's mutual respect.

2020in2020 · 17/02/2023 21:09

i came on fully prepared to say YABU, I remember basically living at my boyfriends/ he living at my mums house, young love, etc…. until I saw they were both in their early 20’s! The BF I was thinking of we were 17/18. At 21 I was living with my boyfriend in a house we rented!

I appreciate that’s not really so common, but they are both adults, so treat them like adults. Tell them to treat you with respect and you will do the same to them. They don’t get to hog your space, if they wish to they can get their own place.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:21

JussathoB · 17/02/2023 21:03

I actually have experienced something similar with one of my 20something DC. I really understand your feelings and I think they are entirely understandable. However some posters who keep saying just put your foot down are being over simplistic. You probably want to keep a strong relationship with your daughter and you want to stay on good terms now and in future. In my case the boyfriend who was outstaying his welcome in my eyes is still around 8 years later and may well eventually be my SIL and potential father of my GC. I was so irritated by the fact he wouldn’t go home on a Sunday evening when I wanted to start readying myself for a new week at work, I could easily have said get out and stay out but I’m glad I didn’t. I didn’t want to risk losing my daughter and I’m glad I didn’t. This is a phase. It could be worse.
Try for a couple of small improvements re the clearing up. Then really the situation will likely only improve if they do take steps forward to move out. In my case we were fortunate that my DC got herself a regular income, he had a job too and we were lucky to be able to help her with a deposit for rental on a flat nearby, so they became independent and we had our house back.

Thank you for your comment. You have expressed exactly how I am feeling, and it is helpful to hear someone has experienced the same as what I'm going through.

Yes you are totally right that I don't want to risk losing my DD, and that her boyfriend could potentially be my SIL.

Thank you for understanding and showing support at this challenging time

OP posts:
AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 21:22

Oh, please. If you risk ‘losing’ your adult child because you’re not willing to be a complete doormat, then you need to reassess your relationship.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 21:24

ssd · 17/02/2023 21:06

I really dont get this.
Did your dd walk all over you all her life op?
You are the parent, so parent. Its that simple. If she doesn't like it she goes and rents.

Both my dcs had their partners here overnight but never taking the piss like your dd. But ive used the word no since they were little. And there's mutual respect.

This. It’s like she’s terrified to parent because DD won’t like her anymore. Which goes some way towards explaining how this situation came about in the first place.

JussathoB · 17/02/2023 21:30

You are welcome OP. I hope the situation improves for you in the coming months. Maybe the young people need careers advice .. it’s s lesson for them really, if you want to be an independent person or couple, and leave your mothers home to have your own, you need jobs which provide you with a salary you can live in, and rent your own flat!

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:31

I am not terrified to parent. I have done a good job raising my children. Some of these comments are unfair as you don’t know the full picture.
This is just one situation I was asking for an opinion on.

OP posts:
FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/02/2023 21:33

We had zero boyfriends staying over.
Several reasons but mainly cos it's our home.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:34

JussathoB · 17/02/2023 21:30

You are welcome OP. I hope the situation improves for you in the coming months. Maybe the young people need careers advice .. it’s s lesson for them really, if you want to be an independent person or couple, and leave your mothers home to have your own, you need jobs which provide you with a salary you can live in, and rent your own flat!

Thank you.
Some of these comments on my thread have become quite harsh.
Thank you for being supportive and not judging me

OP posts:
Brefugee · 17/02/2023 21:34

why not ask your DD how she would feel if she were in your shoes?
Tell her you are going to spend the weekend in your underwear and do it. And then see how she feels.

When you live with people you have to have consideration for the others there. That means not entirely banning the BF but als the BF and your DD not overwhelming your home with their presence. Ask them to contribute financially if it is costing you more, and tell them they have to clear up. And cook at least one of the weekend evening meals. From ingredients they buy.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 21:40

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:31

I am not terrified to parent. I have done a good job raising my children. Some of these comments are unfair as you don’t know the full picture.
This is just one situation I was asking for an opinion on.

You’re not terrified to parent, but you:

  • Are somehow in a situation where your adult DC and her DP are at yours all weekend.
  • They are trashing the place.
  • You are scared to make the reasonable request that they stop doing the above.
  • Having taken to MN for support have summoned up the courage to ask that he leave…at 4pm on Sunday. So, he’ll be there most of the weekend, anyway.
  • You are so terrified of confrontation that you did this via text.

You’ve done a good job raising DC, but:

  • Your relationship is so fragile they you think standing up for yourself and not being a doormat will damage it.
  • DD is an adult who thinks it’s okay to behave like this.
  • She kicks off when she is pulled up on it.
  • She doesn’t listen to you.

I see.

Ponderingwindow · 17/02/2023 21:40

If she was paying market rent for her own place she could do whatever she wanted but would probably have a much tighter budget. .

if she was paying a shared market rent with friends as flatmates, they likely wouldn’t be putting up with a boyfriend moving in part-time. There would either be meetings or fights about the shared spaces and the utilities.

Instead she is probably paying below market rates and getting away with being inconsiderate.

Truestorypeeps · 17/02/2023 21:45

A respectful child,even when they are an adult, should be asking, Mum, do you mind if XYZ stays over on (insert day)? Seeing as it's YOUR house. If they aren't asking that, I would feel that is very disrespectful. Are they completely inconsiderate? Do they just bum around the house the whole weekend?!

You need to be giving them some home truths and setting down the rules of your home.

Out of interest, do they have FT jobs, are they in education?

I don't see her just agreeing with you and apologising for the situation and behavior up until now (even though she should), so why pussyfoot around. She might respect you more for giving her some tough love and a dose of reality! Worst case it'll toughen her up - you don't get it all your own way, fk everyone else, in the big wide world.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:48

As I said, the 4pm on Sunday is a starting point for this weekend before I talk with my Daughter in the week.
Most of the comments have helped me tonight. Some comments are not so helpful.
Thank you for bullet pointing what you have observed though

OP posts:
ukholidayseeker · 17/02/2023 21:48

You are the parent here. This is ridiculous.

AlmostaMamma · 17/02/2023 21:54

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:48

As I said, the 4pm on Sunday is a starting point for this weekend before I talk with my Daughter in the week.
Most of the comments have helped me tonight. Some comments are not so helpful.
Thank you for bullet pointing what you have observed though

I (and others) have observed that you’re terrified to parent. I broke down how and why we think this pretty clearly. ‘4pm is a starting point’ addresses nothing I said.

And, you’re most welcome.

Truestorypeeps · 17/02/2023 21:57

rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 21:48

As I said, the 4pm on Sunday is a starting point for this weekend before I talk with my Daughter in the week.
Most of the comments have helped me tonight. Some comments are not so helpful.
Thank you for bullet pointing what you have observed though

Best of luck OP. I would admit giving advice about what someone should do, is very different to someone who is actually in the situation going through with that advice. Life isn't black and white. It's particularly hard if you are trying to deal with someone who is a stronger, more confident character than yourself, which seems like it could be the case here. I'm sure if you have a good relationship, it wouldn't ruin your long term relationship to deal with these issues, just cause some short term pain perhaps. Maybe she has quite a bit of growing up to do and one day will realise where you are coming from. You have to remember though, you only get one life too, working all weekend and dreading your weekends is not the way to live it, so try and not let this drag on.

Maybe don't go down the route about taking food, using electricity, etc, come at it from the, I'm busy all week working, I need my own space, time and peace. That you work hard for this all week.

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 22:02

truestorypeeps
Thank you for being diplomatic. Yes I agree I need my Daughter to understand it from my point of view. Clearing up after themselves would certainly be a start.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 17/02/2023 22:07

I know that looking in from the outside people can say the young adults are being selfish, inconsiderate, greedy etc. The reality is that the young adults are interested in each other, they are old enough to want to be in a couple, and they probably genuinely can’t see that they are doing anything wrong. Posters can insist as much as they want that they are in the wrong, but the young couple won’t understand that.
So I think OP, proceed calmly. You are the mother and householder here. Your DD lives here as well and she’s not a child. Try and get her to do something / maybe just one thing- which would improve things for you all - clean the shower on a specific day of the week , or clean the kitchen, whatever. Then talk about them working towards getting more independent in terms of living arrangements- what would that involve? After all I’m sure it’s not their ideal plan to remain living with you for the next ten years etc. Approach it from this point of view rather than a massive row about how annoying they are or what’s wrong with DD or the BF.
Good luck. I was relieved that my DD was able to move out before we fell out.
incidentally when COVID came along and the lockdowns I know many parents who had their twenty something kids back home with their partners for months at a time. Most of them seemed to make it work.

JussathoB · 17/02/2023 22:12

Ponderingwindow · 17/02/2023 21:40

If she was paying market rent for her own place she could do whatever she wanted but would probably have a much tighter budget. .

if she was paying a shared market rent with friends as flatmates, they likely wouldn’t be putting up with a boyfriend moving in part-time. There would either be meetings or fights about the shared spaces and the utilities.

Instead she is probably paying below market rates and getting away with being inconsiderate.

I think you will find that people sharing a house don’t have much say over whether flatmates have Bf or Gf staying over

Original poster
rain2sunshine · 17/02/2023 22:14

Thank you

OP posts:
frostyfeb · 17/02/2023 22:26

I'm sorry no advice but my sympathy. I've always wanted to have a home my children feel comfortable bringing friends over too. Always happier knowing my son in home than wondering where he is. But he has his first girlfriend now at 16 and whilst she is absolutely lovely, my heart sinks when I finish work on a Friday, and he's texts me to say can she come over.
Dh & I both work full time in busy jobs, the house is usually a complete mess by Friday. I batch cook a lot so maybe get a frozen curry I've made that's enough for the three of us plus another meal for younger children, so it usually means having to shop for another dinner for her which means we cook three different meals those evenings which is crazy. Son is helpful and will cook etc, but honestly I just want to slob out in some old pjs and not have to make polite conversation

blippyissilly · 17/02/2023 22:27

4:00pm Sunday?

The weekend is pretty much over by then so he's going to be over for the whole weekend again

This is you putting your foot down?

They sound like two fifteen year olds, you will need to get much tougher with your daughter if you want your house back

They need to start going to his house too and if that doesn't work, they need to rent somewhere

Ragwort · 17/02/2023 22:30

Do they actually go out and about or are they just sitting around in your home all weekend? I would be disappointed if my adult DS just spent the whole weekend cooped up at home with a girlfriend... don't they have other friends to meet? Hobbies? Sports?