Thread 39 - Covid Cohort - Our Adult Children Now Post 18

[CinnamonOrangeCremeBrulee]

This is a support thread for our young adults post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting, and their results ( or life updates for those who went into work or have had results earlier). It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, uni vs employment please don't within this thread.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue. We were previously on the secondary board and then further education, now we shall be here in 'Parents of Adult Children' gulp

Our DS/DD may continue down various pathways ( employment, apprenticeships, higher ed). Be warned there might be lots of 'Uni Freshers' chat this time of year. My experience is that everyone is welcomed wherever, whatever their child is doing we have some in work, gap years , apprenticeships etc too. Lots of contributors with different experiences and always sympathy and support to be had !

Ds1 just had his loan to live on, about £9,000 (ds2 won't get as much) we paid Ds1's car insurance and mobile phone (£6 month) He paid everything else. Worked out about £53 left weekly for bills, fuel and food etc. after rent, he said it was enough. This was second and third year in private accommodation. He worked full time in the summer so had extra money if he wanted. The cost of private rental will be more for ds2 plus his loan is less. So will need topping up.

I have suggested Ds sees a gp about all the sleep he needs. But I was shouted at. He said he just likes sleeping.

Someone on Facebook said prescriptions are free until the last day of august for their final year. So maybe that was wrong. Ds2 didn't need to pay for the dentist in his first year at university, I can't remember why...either because he's a May born or is it free until 19?

Wow, double bass really IS huge!

I assume it's only the actual instrument he'll have to transport but you're right, he bloomin well needs to learn how to fold the folding stands!

What's the largest instrument you're expected to lug round rather than letting the venue provide (eg piano, organ)?
The school where I work had a student harpist once. That was insane! Any advance on that?
(Glad that my DS plays guitar and piano.)

Late to the thread. @icanbewhatiwant I do think that’s worth having bloods just to be on safe side .

@Tomnooktoldmeto I think her blood tests included the possibility of coeliac disease - I know there was something that made think ‘oh god I really hope not’ (she is made up mostly of bagel and marguerita pizza). She does seem okay at the moment, but goodness knows what university nutrition will do to her.

Money-wise … DD has basic loan only, which almost covers uncatered accommodation (about £30 short). We are going to give her the equivalent of her pocket money to date, rounded up a little. The amount needed to take it up to the full loan amount, she will fund. She hasn’t really worked to date, but has considerable savings thanks to family (she’s the only grandchild mom both sides). My parents are giving her £100 a month as well.

It’s a cheaper location (Preston) so she ought to be fine. If not she can either dig further into the savings, or prove to us she needs more. We can afford it, but I don’t want to give her more money cos she’s been profligate. I do very much expect her to work at least in the summer, less for the money than not driving me mad (I mostly WFH so I’d know if she was in bed till 2 everyday) and the experience.

We have a conversation yet to come about what we’re paying for in terms of stuff for her flat. I paid for the Ikea shop, she’s spent a load since. I will e.g. pay for the bread knife Ikea couldn’t provide, I will not pay for the illuminated mirror with makeup caddy …

DS will get the minimum loan that we will then top up to the tune of about £5,200 to get to the full loan.
we still don’t know what accommodation he’s been allocated yet but the minimum loan won’t cover any of the options.

If he gets the ones he wanted (s/c) he should be left with about £4,500 which if you divide it by term time is about £100 per week, if you divide it over the year is £86.

We said we would pay his basic living but not his alcohol so that seems about right. He has savings to top up with and has worked hard all summer. We do not want him to work term time as he has a full on course.

We can’t make plans though until we know what room he has. We did say if he picked sensible room and got allocated an expensive one we could cover the difference. there could be a £3k difference in room rates depending on what he gets!!

@Volterra with Ds saying there's nothing wrong, there's not much I can do. I shall just worry instead.

I feel like I was tight leaving ds1 with £53 a week for everything now after reading everyone's posts. I did offer more. But he said it was enough. I never gave the older 2 dc's pocket money either. They used to have to tidy their bedrooms for weekly inspection (not a thorough clean) they were about 8 and 10 years old and I'd give them pocket money. But 4 weeks in they both decided they'd rather have messy rooms and no money. So that was that. They never had any pocket money again. Ds3 just gets £3 a week age 13 when he's tidied his room. So I'm obviously tight there too.

@icanbewhatiwant it’s difficult at this age isn’t it as nothing you can do if they won’t go. My friend is really worried about one of hers who has lost loads of weight, really tired and going to the toilet loads but refusing to have tests.

Not sure how much DS will be getting for student loan yet as they messed up and not sure how much his accommodation will be yet.

@Volterra Ds is super skinny. But he always has been. He came home from work the other day saying he was going to die soon as he can see blood pumping in his chest...it was pumping presumably down the aorta towards his stomach. I told him it was because he's so thin. But then I doubted myself afterwards and started to worry about that too. Now he'd go to the dr about that as he says he's never noticed before.

I'm amazed that I'm not completely grey all the worry they cause and the arguing between them. Ds1 hit ds2 a few nights ago. Last night everyone got annoyed at ds1 at the dinner table for kicking the dog because she was under the table when he was eating. Not a hard kick. But he's never liked her. Now ds1 thinks we are all against him and is refusing to speak to anyone. He's refused to come for dinner to this eve. I feel like moving out! I'm no good at sitting and talking to them all.

Oh that’s tough ican. I know we joke about the runaround your boys give you, but it does sound tough at times, and I winced reading about your poor dog 😌

@icanbewhatiwant I think you've got to remember you don't get the full picture on MN and may end up kicking yourself over nothing. Over the years the subject of pocket for dc money has come up before and at first glance I felt like you, that we were being tight etc to be honest the whole concept of 'pocket money from a cultural point for us is quite alien. Then people described what it was for, some even included what I would consider 'essentials e.g school lunch money, toothbrushes/paste, gifts/cards for friends, sanitary items etc. These are things we would normally pay for, we've never given pocket money and that's how dh and I were raised. I just put it down to different families have different ways of meeting their dc's needs and as long as you're dc are having their needs met I wouldn't compare.

University weekly maintenance is also along similar lines. Some factor in phone bills and essentials food items, Netflix etc some don't. We always ask DS1 if he has enough (£100 weekly and he always says he has more than enough, although he's not a good example because he doesn't eat! doesn't shop and is as thin as a rake!) so we worry and leave his weekly maintenance at that amount to encourage him to buy food). If your DC is saying they have enough then be kind to yourself and don't worry about what anyone else is doing.

@Shimy Ive had chronic fatigue and Fibro for 20 years, finally after 10 years in a wheelchair for quite some time it was found that it was due to hidden coeliac disease(1:9 don’t produce antibodies) and I was profoundly deficient in most vitamins and minerals

I actually see a private physio/nutritionist who specialises in Fibro, she got me walking again and 10 years on I no longer use a stick but the deficiencies have caused permanent damage to my nerves and spine which compound the chronic pain

As to the prescription, the pharmacy even insist on yearly copies of our prepaid certificates for proof of entitlement and insisted on DD having one as soon as she reached 19 even though she was still taking A levels

@278newnames sounds like we are working on similar budgets and plans with minimum loan and top up.

As you say the self catering accommodation seems to exceed the minimum loan everywhere we’ve looked across 3DCs uni open days except Bradford was more than £4600.

Unless he’s a heavy drinker he’ll manage to drink on that budget too! 😂

I see it as a maintenance payment rather than pocket money as it’s for everyday expenses and fun:

Food
Cleaning materials
Toiletries and makeup
Going out
Clubs and societies stuff
Laundry costs
stationery and folders etc
Prescriptions
Haircuts
Clothes
Presents for friends etc
fancy dress

we also pay:

freshers tickets in 1st year
Mobile phone
spotify family plan
travel home in term time
course core equipment - core texts, trips and large pieces of equipment (DS1 geology tools etc)

DSA pays:

printing costs

@Tomnooktoldmeto The two together sound really hard. So glad to hear you are now out of the wheel chair! i was at the point of needing a walking aid (and had used one when I had flare ups) when I finally went back to the GP to be seen again and was finally diagnosed. The lack of understanding about it is causing so many to live in awful pain and discomfort. I know if I had been diagnosed much earlier things wouldn't have progressed to the stage they are now. Apparently, it takes an average of 12yrs for Fibro to be diagnosed.

Re- Prescription I think it's when they turn 19 that they no longer are entitled. Thanks for flagging it up so I can be prepared for ds2. I think I missed the cut off with ds1 because he wasn't on any repeats and thinking about it now, hasn't had a prescription since he was about 17 or 18.

@Shimy thanks. Yes I am sure he had enough and other people expect their dc's to spend theirs on more.

Ds2's first year accommodation is almost £7k he will get almost £1k more than that in loan. I'm not sure how much extra to give him. I think up to the max loan amount and hope it's enough. I'm expected to give the dc's any extra as dh pays the mobile phones and car insurance. So I'll struggle to find the extra but I have savings. But if Ds does a year abroad then his 4th year he will only get minimum loan as dh will get his pension next year. So the loan will drop to minimum as dh has the pension coming in. So the loan will drop by the value of half the pension. It'll be me finding the extra though. So I'm not looking forward to that.

We’ve not long been back from depositing DS at his new school.
Thanks so much for your well wishes, singing.
Its been a long day - we left home at 9.30am. We spent an hour unpacking everything and putting it away in DS’s room, which he’s going to be sharing with another boy - good practice for when DD moves into halls - and the rest of the day was a series of informal chats and formal introductions from various members of the SLT.

I managed not to cry when we said goodbye, nor in the car in the drive home…give it a few days, when it’s sunk in that he’s actually gone.

@icanbewhatiwant Universities also have grants they give to students who are in financial need so it's good to remember that. It often gets forgotten about but they really want to allocate the grant to students so please apply or rather he should apply if he meets the criteria.

Ds1 gets minimum loan. How we are going to top up to maximum loan, I really don't know! I've mentioned to Dh and if we pay part of accommodation, £6.3k, contribute an amount each month. It's tricky to know how much he'll need.

Ds1 got his re-mark back today. It didn't change.

It remains at A⭐️, A⭐️, A.
He wanted 3 x A* , but hasn't got it. Still fab.

Been so busy at work this week - I just realised that the thread moved much more quickly today than I realised!

thanks @Heifer for recommendation

Money for kids is hard ….. everyone of us in a different boat …..

Get frustrated when people say we are not giving anything but the kid is getting full loan?!?

Our monies to DD per week £95-100 fully funded by us plus find £2k rental top up

Single mum friend said to me I’m giving them nothing they need to stand on their own two feet - actually this is happening:

accommodation paid in full by loan 42 weeks and monies for 46 weeks ….

amt loan after accom per week £ 70.40

amt from grandparents £10 per week

amt from ex husband - dad £15 per week

total £95.40

So our Kids getting the same … 😜

@Fruitygal yes it seems very much so that we’re on a similar page especially after your more detailed list. We will also pay phone and travel home (not sure he’ll bother if he has to pay for it!!) as well as course costs. If he ends up with city centre accommodation then we will pay for the bus pass to uni.

It really will be a trial and error thing. We don’t want to be tight but also want him to have to budget. He’s got to realise that the comforts he was brought up with don’t just fall in your lap. That said, he is going to an expensive location so need to take that into account. it’s a tricky balance.

He actually drinks a fair bit so it’ll no doubt cost him extra!

@icanbewhatiwant as another poster said, MN is not the norm. I would describe us as comfortable in real life, but at varying times on varying threads I have felt both poor and rich.

We have overpaid for years and carefully timed our mortgage to be paid off this month so are able to contribute the full top up and extra if needed. We would struggle to do that if the mortgage was still active. But are also fortunate that DS1 did an apprenticeship instead. Everyone’s circumstances are different and people don’t know the detail. In real life only a couple of people know our mortgage is paid off.

@Alsoplayspiccolo difdixult day for you. Do you just have DS just moved to school and DD about to go to university?

We have a 21 yo at home but he works away a lot and will be abroad from mid October to Christmas so we are definitely going to feel the empty nest.

@278newnames this is our 3rd time around for this !

DSs were on £75 and then £80 and final year £85 but inflation is so bad we need to push to £95- £100.

We had our DS1 nerdy and partying was once per week with lots of societies/clubs stuff ( generally cheaper) cooked from scratch with odd takeaway.

DS2 liked partying 3-4 times per week and eating out …..plus clothes …. Mmmm so DS2 got a key worker job in lockdown when stuck at home and paid his bar bill off 😂😜

Previously we’ve battled through private halls and crazy issues with drug dealing sub letting house sharers.

Not empty nesters as DS1 working in graduate role and at home but paying us rent while saving for a deposit for a flat.