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In-laws wont stop being so self centred!
109

KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 17:42

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

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PyjamaFan · 29/08/2022 17:44

I'd move a very long way away from them.

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Sausagelove · 29/08/2022 17:44

How did your partner respond to that conversation?

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ScottishBeth · 29/08/2022 17:45

OP I don't think I've seen your previous posts but your in-laws are driving me crazy! They are so unreasonable! I'm so sorry for you and your partner!

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Bestcatmum · 29/08/2022 17:47

I would cut them off and not speak to them again unless they back off immediately. Did they really say tit feed? Can you move out of the area? That was the only solution with my mother. I had to get away. I moved 300 miles.

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NewIdeasToday · 29/08/2022 17:48

Honestly it’s time to stop being so polite. Just tell them exactly how you feel. And step back from them.

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MichelleScarn · 29/08/2022 17:49

Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby

Wtf?! This is actually frightening, 'he belongs to everyone'?! Does he fuck!! If your bf can't stand up to them in this insanity I don't know I'd trust them at all. I can imagine the spoiling gifting of things to entice ds to prefer them and stay with them.

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Endlesslaundry123 · 29/08/2022 17:50

Ack they are clearly toxic AF. Get distance from them, they will be toxic forces in your child's life soon enough. You need to protect your kids from people like this.

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CantFindTheBeat · 29/08/2022 17:52

OMG, OP.

Keep them far, far away,

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houseofboy · 29/08/2022 17:53

Wow just wow, I started it thinking it was going to be another thread where the in laws are unfairly treated but wowzers they are actually bonkers.

A baby is no one's possession to be shared around, it's a small person for the parents to raise as they want and others to be able to have the privilege of spending time with when/ how the parents are comfortable with. Totally think all gp should be a part of a child's life but not like this.

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KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 18:00

Bestcatmum · 29/08/2022 17:47

I would cut them off and not speak to them again unless they back off immediately. Did they really say tit feed? Can you move out of the area? That was the only solution with my mother. I had to get away. I moved 300 miles.

@Bestcatmum @PyjamaFan @Sausagelove
He sure did!
I showed my mum the conversation and her as a midwife she looked totally and utterly disgusted! She was so upset... she's told them never to come to the house again after the way they've behaved.

My partners tried and tried and he blocked them last week as he got sick of being stuck in the middle of them

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Ragwort · 29/08/2022 18:01

Why are they visiting you? Just grow a back bone & refuse to meet up with them. Your DP is also being a dick if he is allowing them to speak like this ... he should be shutting them up and making it clear there are no more visits. He sounds very weak. He doesn't need to be 'trapped in the middle' ... he needs to be firmly on your side.

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skyeisthelimit · 29/08/2022 18:02

Your DP needs to keep them blocked as they sound deranged. The baby is your child and belongs to you and DP alone.

You need to breast/bottle feed to suit yourself and nobody else.

I don't know of many people who let their baby "sleep over" at such a young age, so their demands are not realistic in any way.

Your DP needs to stand firm and have as little contact with them as possible.

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DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2022 18:06

Sounds like they don't understand how breastfeeding works - perhaps DH could explain. If MiL didn't breastfeed her babies then maybe they don't understand that you can't just do it sometimes, that success relies on supply and demand.

But are you struggling? Could you actually do with a bit more support?
Some families and cultures do think that a baby is part of the larger family, it doesn't mean they are evil or batshit, just different. They may feel disappointed that they don't get to have the baby themselves, and might not appreciate your reasons. I think this calls for more talking, more dialogue until they get where you are coming from.

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KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 18:09

Ragwort · 29/08/2022 18:01

Why are they visiting you? Just grow a back bone & refuse to meet up with them. Your DP is also being a dick if he is allowing them to speak like this ... he should be shutting them up and making it clear there are no more visits. He sounds very weak. He doesn't need to be 'trapped in the middle' ... he needs to be firmly on your side.

@Ragwort i have contemplated sharing the photo of the conversation they had but decided not to lower myself to their standards.

Its just been a nightmare, he's angry as he said he feels like he's being pulled side to side. He understands why I'm so anxious on the edge and why I find it difficult to be around not just them but anyone now as its causing a ripple effect with even my own family now! But he see's why they want to be involved but can't understand why they can't see the difference between involved and interfering. He's still got them blocked. His dad refuses to speak to me now as Ive told him he's a sexist two faced pig who thinks about nobody else but himself and his wife, he's pushed and encouraged his wife's domineering and controlling behaviour towards this baby! And his ignorance towards me breastfeeding is his problem and not mine and I will not give a bottle to his Grandma because she seems to think she is missing out on something!

Iv blocked them as I cant cope with it anymore. I cant cope with another conversation of them discussing themselves and their relationship. I seriously didn't realise that when I got with my BF and then we had this baby that it came with a second Set of parents!

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WoodlandMummy · 29/08/2022 18:10

Ugh. What bunch of odious pricks. ‘Tit feed’. Who talks like that. So much disrespect, so much misplaced entitlement.

Fuck them off for the good of your sanity. They are unhinged.

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SunshineAndFizz · 29/08/2022 18:11

I'm so annoyed for you.

Either you or your DP partner needs to tell them if they comment again in this matter then you're restricting visiting all together.

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Ponderingwindow · 29/08/2022 18:14

Your partner isn’t trapped in the middle. He is your shield and defender.

It’s his job to support you breastfeeding 100%. he should just stop entertaining any discussion from then. If they bring it up, hang up the phone or leave the room. Tell them they aren’t welcome to visit if they won’t behave .

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KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 18:17

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2022 18:06

Sounds like they don't understand how breastfeeding works - perhaps DH could explain. If MiL didn't breastfeed her babies then maybe they don't understand that you can't just do it sometimes, that success relies on supply and demand.

But are you struggling? Could you actually do with a bit more support?
Some families and cultures do think that a baby is part of the larger family, it doesn't mean they are evil or batshit, just different. They may feel disappointed that they don't get to have the baby themselves, and might not appreciate your reasons. I think this calls for more talking, more dialogue until they get where you are coming from.

@DelphiniumBlue funnily enough she did breastfeed all her children which is what I cant understand.

Why does SHE specifically need to bottle feed him? Surely HER of all people understands why I chose to breastfeed, it wasn't for me it was for my son! What is obsession with bottle feeding and having him alone? Why should I feel forced to give him to Grandma all the time we are at their house. Have a cuddle but hoarding him and trying to find reasons to not hand him back? Creepy.

I alway think about them and then think of THE HAND THE ROCKS THE CRADLE. They have made me so weary and unprepared to leave him alone with them ever as I just have a horrific feeling one of them would abscond with him. And they could call me crazy and pathetic thinking it but when they behave like they do; they should understand why I don't trust them.

My family are so disgusted by their behaviour and the fighting. They don't understand why they cant respect our rules and boundaries, when we say can you not all come as once as its too much for me and too much for the baby he doesn't enjoy being passed around (4 of them including me & my bf)

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awwbiscuits · 29/08/2022 18:19

I'd be done. Like, done, done. No way is there any coming back from that.

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KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 18:22

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2022 18:06

Sounds like they don't understand how breastfeeding works - perhaps DH could explain. If MiL didn't breastfeed her babies then maybe they don't understand that you can't just do it sometimes, that success relies on supply and demand.

But are you struggling? Could you actually do with a bit more support?
Some families and cultures do think that a baby is part of the larger family, it doesn't mean they are evil or batshit, just different. They may feel disappointed that they don't get to have the baby themselves, and might not appreciate your reasons. I think this calls for more talking, more dialogue until they get where you are coming from.

@DelphiniumBlue oh forgot to respond!

Nooo im managing beautifully, first few weeks of breast feeding were hard but anyone who's breastfed for the first time will agree those first few weeks are so hard. Iv got through them but my partner and my Mum (a midwife) was behind me the whole journey and she helped and guided me as a mum and a health care professional. And she comments and tells me regular how amazing Im doing, she admires me for pushing through at them difficult times and not giving in and that if tomorrow i became I single mum she wouldn't have a worry in the world about me as a single parent and she has no shadow of a doubt that I would manage perfectly well on my own!

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RaRaRaspoutine · 29/08/2022 18:37

Omg op they sound batshit. They’ve had their kid(s), why so weird and pushy about getting to feed yours?? Ugh and “tit feed” nooooooo I would be moving counties.

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excitingusername · 29/08/2022 18:37

Wow. They sound completely ridiculous and the lack of empathy despite having had 4 children who were breastfed is absurd. I too would have been incandescent with rage if anyone had tried to come between me and my daughter. I do not get the 'baby staying over at Grandparents' thing at all. My daughter didn't stay over anywhere without me until she was about 6 or something stupid! And she has zero attachment issues or insecurities about being without me.

Do remember however, that while this is now, things may well calm down. I was incredibly protective and neurotic with my daughter and people thought I was nutty. However, they did respect my boundaries (of which there were many!).

Perhaps a letter, written over a loooong time of reflection and editing being absolutely sure about the wording so that you don't burn any bridges to explain to them what they can't seem to understand. Maybe some reassurance that as long as they are respectful they will eventually get time with their Grandchild but absolutely this is not about them.

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Surtsey · 29/08/2022 18:38

I think you need to make it crystal clear to your DP that you are pleased he is sticking up for you and the baby, but he has to continue to back you up 100% on this, permanently. His parents are to have no access whatsoever to your dc unless you specifically say so, and are present the entire time. And unless you get a full and grovelling apology from them, is likely to be never.

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MichelleScarn · 29/08/2022 18:45

@KMoo22 I don't understand how your partner feels 'stuck in the middle' at stretch I could see this if it was something simple like you not wanting them to visit without any of their batshittery, but how can he feel that they're in the right with this?!

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KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 18:45

excitingusername · 29/08/2022 18:37

Wow. They sound completely ridiculous and the lack of empathy despite having had 4 children who were breastfed is absurd. I too would have been incandescent with rage if anyone had tried to come between me and my daughter. I do not get the 'baby staying over at Grandparents' thing at all. My daughter didn't stay over anywhere without me until she was about 6 or something stupid! And she has zero attachment issues or insecurities about being without me.

Do remember however, that while this is now, things may well calm down. I was incredibly protective and neurotic with my daughter and people thought I was nutty. However, they did respect my boundaries (of which there were many!).

Perhaps a letter, written over a loooong time of reflection and editing being absolutely sure about the wording so that you don't burn any bridges to explain to them what they can't seem to understand. Maybe some reassurance that as long as they are respectful they will eventually get time with their Grandchild but absolutely this is not about them.

@excitingusername weve tried a few approaches.

We approach his dad and we get blocked or told do one... Sad

I dont get the obsession over being alone with him, surely they know what babies do when they have had their own children? Surely they understand its not appropriate for their 2 month almost 3 month old grandson to be away from his mother.

Its like when she found he'd smiled for the first time I've never seen a look of upset and anguish so strong in my life.. 'oh Right... has he? Well I would have liked to have been there for that first smile...'. When we said he's too young for sleepovers and will be until the wedding next year, we don't need your help with him right now but when he's weaning you can spend some time with him..

We usually get "Why? Just give us a bottle, weve had kids.. dont you think we know what were doing contrary to your belief we had children we know how to look after them". I absolutely hate parenting competitions and being told how to parent!

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