In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

[KMoo22]

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

I'd go fucking nuclear if I heard somebody say that.

They are being ridiculous. I hope your partner challenged them back after that text message (did he show you what he wrote?) as it's really his job to manage the relationship with his family otherwise they won't be having much of a relationship with any of you.

The ironic thing is that the way they're behaving is not in the best interests of the baby whatsoever, it's entirely for themselves.

This ^

Do NOT give ip breast feeding. Never let them see your child. They are nasty and deranged. They think your baby is a thing.

Yes, but you also need to respect other people's culture. If you were overbearing towards my babies I'd have told you to back off too- your culture or not, it's my child.

This happens a lot in my culture, fake concern about baby when it’s really a patriarchial power thing, they want to separate mum from baby and devalue her status/position as mother to incubator. Not saying this is the case here but I would go low contact, your partner needs to do the dirty work and you should spend your time on baby, not stressing about this but I understand it won’t be easy for him but it really is important he steps out of his comfort zone and stands up to them

I feel the RAGE on your behalf! They are being ridiculous!

Yup and often these cultures are toxic to the mother! Definitely not something a mother needs to try to understand and I say this coming from the culture. It’s not cute it’s damaging to mothers’ mental health especially if she can’t assert herself and nobody else is advocating for her.

Fuck em! Assholes. Tell them if this continues then you will go no contact, they have no legal rights to their grandchild if you are in the UK. Do not give up breastfeeding and do not give in to their ridiculous demands.

@Puffalicious @Ihaveanoldiphone

I think my partner scared of his dad, his friend said as A kid it was always his dads way or the highway. My I tell him straight..
Early mother hood, my mental is incredibly vulnerable at this crucial stage and they keep going trying to take over. I feel like when our hormones are so sensitive atm its actually a good thing as it allows women to be open and vulnerable and allows us yo learn to love in a different nature. Thats my thoughts as before pregnancy I was always quite detached from feelings and I wasn't the most open to talk, kept to myself and never opened up too any man or woman apart from my own family. Having a baby has allowed me to be vulnerable with the baby, its taught me love on a very different level and a new kind of love I never knew existed! But its left some emotions exposed and some quite sensitive.

I think his parents don't really care about that or respect that. His mum I always got along with her before and I never saw bad in her. Shes not BAD person but shes over bearing and cant accept that she's not longer the alpha mum anymore!

I had very similar. I am still getting over it now over 2 years later. Amongst many other stressors that were going on at the time, it has been the worst experience of my adult life, broken my trust in my in laws, and affected my relationship with my husband deeply.

you absolutely need to have your husband on side and it is really good your family support you (mine wanted to stay neutral and not rock the boat, which still hurts to this day,)

Sit down as calmly as you can alongside your husband and in laws and explain to them how their behaviour is affecting you mentally and the toll it is taking on your relationship. Give specific examples, say the most 5 hurtful experience s that you have gone through because of them.

You both will need to stand your ground on how you wish to go forward with them. Ie you will contact to arrange meet ups.

The relationship can be salvaged, it has (just about) for us but still has taken such a toll on me. I am now at the stage of trying to reconnect and repair with my husband.

@Maka21 identical to me and my partner then 😭😭 its causing so much strain on our relationship, we argue SO MUCH, we dont see eye to eye much now, his dad is forever getting in the middle and runs to my partner calls me all sorts of names and says I deny them a basic right when I say fine 'sod you, dont bother coming to see him if you wanna start that controlling and taking over bullshit you can stay away if you cant behave' and i think they do it on purpose to cause a split as they know if my parter was a co-parent that he'd take the baby to them and let his mother play mummy and daddy...i think the 'empty nest' thing below is definitely a factor in my MIL's life she is hollow and has an empty nest she wants to fill but knows she cant!

I remember once saying no to something and they looked at me like id just kicked their dog!

Is this the situation where the inlaws said they wanted to co sleep with baby?

In any case, you say you are too polite to respond with what you want to say.

The time for being polite is over

You need to write a carefully crafted letter, let your anger show but dont be rude or offensive. Set out the complete inappropriateness/control that comes from his mentality (does the wife share the view?) and refuse to have anything more to do with them

Fair enough if someone had these views or expectations and then in the early fe days of the babys life came to understand that this is now inappropriate and they shifted their thinking perhaps. But youve said this is now 10 weeks with rows frequently about this

This isnt good for you and your partner, not good for baby.

Time to say goodbye to them

@bellac11 noooo mine was about them overstepping boundaries set in place and just ignoring my wishes. Its was atleast 2/3 weeks ago i'd say! Where she kept planning to visit as and when she felt, as often as she felt.

My situations been going on since he was 2 weeks old she's been relentless. She visited on her own Sunday my MIL and whilst she was quite that bit better and she showed more willingness to try and be respectful and she seemed to be more understanding, my FIL took his bat and ball home dropped her off and buggered off to the pub in a strop and refused to come in the house so I just thought sod you then! We saw the great-grandparents today they've obviously been talking and it turned to basically why not let his Grandparents take him for a walk in the pram alone for an hour whilst you sleep or do something in the house you need too? I had to just brush it off and nod and agree, I cba even saying anything as I really really like my partners grandparents, his grandma reminds me of my grandma so much that I lost in 2013 so I hold her very dearly and shes been very supportive!

My grandma and Grandad again both brilliant very respectful and supportive, very attentive towards me and the baby AND my partner. Iv only got one set of grandparents left now; so I don't like anyone (the FIL has mentioned them before taking shots that I see them more than them) saying anything to me about me seeing them regular with the baby as I only have them left. My grandad was always super close with me growing up and I absolutely adore him, I absolutely dread loosing him as he's my best friend and great-grandparents are bloody lucky if they see their GGC arrive! So I'd always pick my time to be spent with his or mine as they won't be here forever and my partners yet too experience that kind of a loss!

Well yours sound as mad as the one I remember reading about too!

Ultimately you cant carry on like this, you're not going to get anywhere trying to justify yourself each time, you'll be tired, or in shock, not articulate yourself properly and lose momentum

Write them a letter telling them how unreasonable they are, how inappropriate, how controlling, how un child centred they are, that no one dictates to you how you bring your child up, how stalkery and harrassing they are and this is not normal behaviour

@bellac11 this is what I find thr hardest. Having to Justify myself.
I dont care what Culture/age group/religion anybody comes from NOONE has the right to tell a Mother what they do with their child.

Nor should they have been assuming I was struggling. I think for me as well I hate the constant hints and pointing towards the MIL. Its every time we plan to visit or when were there with them we get 'oh grandma wants to do this, Grandma wants to do that, Grandma cant wait to spend some time alone with him. Its like forcing me to hand him to them.. personally I think I would struggle to get him back, I hate the fact they go to the pub a lot so I don't want them taking him too a pub. And the last time we met them at a cafe the MIL was a PAIN, I didn't take his pram as he hates his pram atm and prefers his sling. We got there and she burst into tears and said it was unfair on her for me not to bring the pram as she wanted to take him and push him around. The constant 'ohhh really reminds me of his daddy when he was a baby. He looks so a like him, brings back my memories of breast feeding and being a mummy'.

The first thing she ever said was 'hows the bottle feeding going?' And when I replied im not I'm breast feeding exclusively, her face hit the floor and she started welling up and I could see and feel the anxiety in her building. The FIL then started with bottle feeding talks and saying that they could help being having him on their own, I KNEW from that first point of contact when she cried and he started they had been planning things for themselves with the baby and it put me right on the edge of my seat

The more they or anyone else hints the further in that I dig my heels. Or the more someone in their family suggests what I could do the more angry and upset I get!

I seriously think there's empty nest syndrome and some jealousy that they can't do the parenting. Then they wonder why every time the make plans for themselves and disappearing for an hour or two on their own excluding me I go into a panic mode and think nahh you can sod right off...

They sound completely unhinged OP. This is far from normal behaviour.

Putting myself in your shoes, I think I would have to go no contact. All communication through DP, but very clear that any visits are at your house only, at specified times and never unsupervised.

He needs to reinforce your JOINT stance AS PARENTS (because you as MUM are being unfairly demonised) on bottle feeding and unsupervised visits/overnight stays. If they continue to ask, then visits stop. I don't see any other way.

Don’t you give that up until you feel ready / can’t physically cope / are advised to by someone with you and the baby only in mind. And I don’t know what to advise you here, these people are being outrageous. The baby is your dependent if you are breast-feeding, and for them not to understand that - and for your OH to even allow this nonsense to be said - is incredible. It should be obvious that for both the baby AND you, these weeks are precious, vital, precarious. If you think the pressure is likely to continue and you think it will affect your mental health, it might be worthwhile to talk to your midwife to get some support/ an opinion you can bank on.

Solidarity and respect to you. Standing up against this sort of thing is difficult with family & extended family, but if you can maintain your position safe in the knowledge that it’s best for the two of you, then they’ll have to realise another approach is better eventually.

My side of the family has lots of strong histrionic personality types (male and female), so I understand how someone can feel powerless to object when the behaviour starts up, so you have to work with your OH to make him understand that you have to have the freedom to make these decisions. Do you get home visits? If he could stay for one and you could mention this to a MW it might help him understand too.

The baby is your dependent if you are breast-feeding.

@Akmc

I know this won't have been your intention, but just to say that babies are dependent on their mothers even if they are not breastfed. Obviously there is a more literal dependancy with BF, but babies need their mothers for more than just food.

Good example - my baby is BF but will have a bottle. This meant my MIL could have him for a few hours while me and DP went out this weekend. Was he fed? Yes. Would he settle? No. We came home to an extremely exhausted, crying baby who hadn't slept for 6 hours, but fell asleep as soon as he was in my arms.

@KMoo22 this also is a good example of why bottle feeding isn't some magical solution to FIL/MIL having alone time. Babies are more than just a digestive system.

Not overbearing. But when my only role seemed to be to spend lots of money buying presents and occasionally say aren't they gorgeous as they slept in their mum's arms, they did not seem much point in engaging at all. I ended up just feeling a cash machine.

😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵😵 OMFG!!!! What did you do???? I'd have called the Police

@Calphurnia88 yep, having been able to bf with one and bottle fed the other, totally agree in both circumstances. Definitely just a food source! 😂👍 Clumsy wording as written in indignant haste!