In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

[KMoo22]

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

I have absolutely no sympathy with your PIL and would be sorely tempted to get your MIL a Reborn baby, maybe one that looks rather like your baby, and hand it over to her as if it was her sleeping grandchild, and then leave her to it.

@BangaloreLulu all this! This sounds like a nightmare

@antelopevalley if you chose to spend that money that was your choice entirely. But I absolutely REFUSE to allow someone in my close family life to think that she can just waltz in an assume the position of parent for the duration of a visit or that she feels she is entitled to tell me when she is having my less than 3 month old child.

NOONE has a right to tell me what to do or when ti hand him over. Its women like her who cause Postnatal depression and she in on the verge of causing it for me. I enjoyed breast feeding and her constant demands for me to give her a bottle so she can enjoy feeding a baby and bonding makes me feel physically SICK. Why the obsessiveness of wanting to feed and bond alone? Shes had her babies, she needs to stop trying to take over this one!

Oh goodness they sound awful and entitled!!

If I were you I’d step back from them completely and let your partner manage the situation with his parents. He needs to back you 100% and be firm with his boundaries. They’ll either get the message that their interaction with the baby is determined by what you are comfortable or they won’t and they won’t have any relationship at all.

were they overly intense in your partners life before this or has this behaviour just sprung up since the baby.

my parents were always (still are) over bearing and when I was pregnant I really set strong boundaries from the beginning as I knew without that they’d over step. Mean blocking them on everything for 6 weeks and then frequently reminding them if they start to get too intense, which is rare now because their ability to interfere is not so high due to their own needs now.

@Calphurnia88 i think his mother is just missing the point completely.
I wanted a baby as Id lost 2 prior, I didnt bring a baby to earth for her amusement and satisfaction only. The whole time he's been born its just been about her, her bond, her time, her memories, her role, her purpose.

I am not a milk factory. I am not changing to formula or mix feeding like they suggested, I am not expressing so his deluded hormonal mess of a Mother can start getting broodier and more possessive. If i start giving her inch she will take a mile! She will take the piss, i let her change and dress him ONCE and guess what? The minute she'd done it every-time we visited or she came here she would just take the baby without even saying hello, she'd have her head and hands in the moses basket pestering him whilst he was fast asleep. If he screamed for me to feed she'd go 'get a bottle of expressed made up, ill do it...' no... just no. Learn your place in the damned pecking order you deranged woman! Your son and daughters of 25,27 and 30 may still allow you to wipe their arses but I am more the capable and dont need you, my mum or ANYONE for that matter to wipe mine for me!! Let your children be adults and get a grip.

Id love to say these things too her, but what do I get in return? A mouthful of abuse off the sexist pig of a father in law who supported his beloved wife to breastfeed them 3 but where im concerned im selfish and im not being fair on them for not letting them feed him ??

Do you see where this is going? Me me me me me me me. All about them, their bonds, their way of caring..
Basically I dont exist and I have no feelings.

I don't struggle AT ALL, I have bad days like every parents but I dont go running to my family or his. Rest assured my partner is always there for me on all good and bad days; he picks me up when its bad, he praises me daily at how well im doing; so I don't need her intrusive pushy help or unsolicited advice. I dont care that she birthed my partner and her 2 daughters. That was then and this is NOW. They are her children, this baby is not!

I am going to play devil's advocate here.

Are they worried about you not coping?

You overheard a private conversation between them and your DH

Maybe you aren't t coping? Maybe they are offering to help and offering solutions ?

Has your partner, his siblings and father all enabled her behaviour before this? Is this the first time what she wants has been challenged?

@maddy68...

Thats very presumptuous. And my short and blunt answer is NO. My mother is a midwife. If I weren't coping she would have mentioned this 10 weeks back. I surprised myself with how well i slotted into being a mum, From day one I just seem to have gotten on with it, we have night where he's hard work but they are few and far between but it doesn't mean I need them? I get through it.

They have an expectation that I should just hand over a baby and its been made to be all about his Grandma. We dont see my parents behaving like this.

They are being unrealistic. They are being selfish. They have always been like this, over intensive and living in their childrens pockets.
Its rare his parents ever go and do things separately or alone, if they go anywhere even just a trip down to the park they all have to go. If they go shopping they all go! It does not promote independence of any shape or form.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow from the last four years of being with him.

YES. Shes always been allowed to just do it without asking and do as she pleases. Absolutely not boundaries with her children, my partners only one who's left home. But literally anything they do the whole family has to do it as well.

We've had a few tears over days out alone and us not inviting them. We went away on a mini break 2 weeks back for my 30th and we got a dig about us not inviting them for a day to spend time with their grandchild. I could have cried, it was like why? Why do you feel you should be invited to EVERYTHING? Where is our privacy and time spent alone?

Dont get me started on the fact when we finally get our house back as its currently being renovated after a flood, shes already planned how many days a week shes coming and how long shes staying having him for. Its so intrusive and not mention RUDE

Being less available is the way to go.
And never give her a spare key op.

You are absolutely in the right OP, just let them whinge. I wouldn’t even respond.

Can I ask what your relationship is like now? I had a very similar instance of MIL running away with the pram, I found it absolutely traumatising. Interestingly I now have a ds on the way and she had a ds so I’d like to see if the interest levels are the same!

@oneOff12 its very disrupted and broken!

We got on well prior to his arrival and she ruined it. I say she THEY both ruined it for themselves :/

If she’s been allowed to carry on like this with her family then no wonder she’s putting up a big stink. It’s the first time she’s been challenged and not only will she kick up a fuss bit so will her other family because they have enabled her to contribute acting in this unreasonable manner.

you are absolutely right to stand your ground. If any it’s very important you don’t back down and hold firm boundaries. People like this aren’t reasonable and it’s give an inch take a mile with people like that.

better to do it now early in that let it go and get in a weird routine of her over stepping throughout your child’s childhood.

I feel for your partner though. I wonder if he needs to do some reflecting about the dynamics in his family and how overly intertwined they all seem to be. Might be painful for him to realise the behaviour and reflect on his past in light of a new understanding.

Arrghh you're not the only one. MiL is obsessed with me giving DS a bottle so that she can feed him. Has been since he was born. How incredibly selfish. I don't understand why they would want to interrupt, potentially ruin breastfeeding all for the sake of them having a little bonding time.

Everything that happens, "ohh he needs a bottle". Slight cry, rubs his ear, under the weather after his jabs "he needs a bottle". He's doing perfectly well weight-loss "he'd be chubby if you would give him a bottle". From 3 months the bottle obsession expanded to "he's ready for baby porridge/rusks. Mix some with some formula". "Can't mix baby rice with breast milk, has to be formula, breast milk gets too hot". WTH?! All so she can feed him, and she has said as much. That it takes away from her being able to feed him and she's fed all her other GC.

I've just had to distance myself as much as possible. At first I tried to put up with her, I politely responded each time she said she would have him overnight (at 2 weeks, and every week thereafter). I grinned and accepted it when she stayed for 10 hours the day I came out of hospital after difficult c-section, and then an average of 8 hours every day for the next week (didn'toffer any help, just wanted to hold the baby). I was an idiot. I shouldn't have put up with her, and DP should have put his foot down and had my back. It sounds like your DP has your back so that's something, but don't let them make you feel guilty or taint this special time with your baby. You are his mum and are doing your best to give him the best start in life, he isn't there for their entertainment.

Good luck! It's tough in those first weeks, but it gets easier the more you advocate for yourself and your little one.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow
Iv always said that!! If I gave her an inch she'd take a mile.

I allowed her to change one nappy once, then we visited theirs for that first time ever. We got there and he was crying before id even picked him to sort him she grabbed him from underneath me, turned her back on me deliberately clutched him as close as possible she pissed off to the kitchen with him grabbed all his changing stuff and did it herself, then when i said can you fasten his vest up and put them dungarees back on him please she responded 'oh he doesn't need them on....' she had him bare skin on her exposed chest! I was like omg NO absolutely not, theres only one person who does skin to skin and that is ME.

Shes always been strange with the breastfeeding (she breastfed all 3 of hers), everytime i feed she stands over me like the boob police, then sits down to stare and starts asking 'how long do i let him fred for?' Well MIL dearest much to your disappointed As long as he choses and wants?

Its just skin crawling i dont get the obsession of grandmas special time or bonding? Shes had 3 babies of her own, why does she need special time alone with mine? :/

@Blackmetalmama
I feel for you :/ im glad im not alone with this situation.

Honestly if it were just wanting a cuddle I'd be fine with her. But its the possessive and obsessive body language with him. If we go visit stipulating how long we have to stay for so Grandma gets her "special time". If he cries the hints about giving her a bottle. When we go their house 'how about we go for a little walk and Grandma enjoys pushing the pram, were going to get a cot soon so we can have sleepovers, were looking forward to get to bond with him alone...'

The word alone makes me feel ILL. I feel so sick and so weird about it.

I remember once I had ONE bottle incase as he was running up to cluster feeding and she spotted it "how many bottles is he on now?".. HE ISNT, its there for if I; AS IN ME THE MOTHER feels he needs a top and I will give him that top up as I did not bring it for Grandmas weird cradle snatching behaviours. I had to get into a habit of taking him to different rooms to feed him or lock myself in the bathroom as she stood over the top of me watching him feed. Iv completely stopped expressing now and kept bottles away so she cant moan, we went away and she spotted my pump got an idea I was going to express for her to feed and I was like nah i only use it when I get a bit too full and he's fast asleep, i either save it for his next feed or freeze it..

Its the hinting and obsessions to mother him and pretend to be alike his mother that is driving me to insanity!

Don't give up breastfeeding for them no matter the pressure they put on you. My mum tells me that one of her biggest regrets was that she only breastfed me for 6 weeks because of the pressure my dads parents put her under. Apparently breastfeeding was disgusting and dirty etc etc. She and my dad moved far away and when she had my brother had a much more positive experience and happily breastfed him for years. Both my parents were, in turn, incredibly supportive when I had DD and breastfed her for years too. Support makes all the difference and if they cant be therefore you you need to restrict time with them as much as possible and changing location is a great way to do that if you can afford it.

@KMoo22 oh my goodness, do we have the same MIL?? I had to hide my pump as "well if you're pumping why can't I give him the milk in a bottle". I also had some bottles which have been hidden at the back of a cupboard as she spotted them and couldn't shut up about them. She also wanted to give him dummies as then at least other people could settle him if he cried, "it doesnt just have to be your boobs". Everytime DP speaks to her "is she letting him have a bottle yet so then we can all feed him".

Also standing over me while I'm breastfeeding. I go to the bedroom and feed him now as she would be staring and stood over me. Normally I have no problem getting him to latch but each time she was here, I think because I was so on edge, it could take a few times and I didn't want it to look like I was struggling and give any ammunition. It's just so much unnecessary stress. People may think it seems extreme to lock yourself in the bathroom to feed him but I totally get why you would do it, just get away from the judgement and scrutiny and be able to feed your baby without having somebody watching your every move!

I know that feeling of feeling ill with the possessive language and talking about taking him away. I don't get it as she has had four kids, as your MIL has, so surely they must understand how you feel about your own baby. It's something they have experienced themselves. So why would they not see understand how unwanted it is and just back off.

I don't think its PFB as honestly I have no issue with her holding him, or normal visits, normal cuddles from his gran. It's constantly having to justify BF, having to defend why I don't want to bottle feed him while we have established bf and it's going well. How every little niggle is because he doesn't have a bottle. How much better it would be if he did have one. And knowing that it's all rooted in a selfish desire to just get him on her own, nothing about what's best for his development!

@Blackmetalmama we must do!!! Mine blows hot and cold. One minute understands the next its 'THIS IS HEART BREAKING I WANT TO BE A GOOD GRANDMA AND BUILD A SPECIAL BOND'

My Health visitor cam yesterday to do a weight check as I'd arranged and asked for one; she dressed down my partner quite a lot she just said "right young man, we need to discuss these eager beaver grandparents on your side meaning your lovely mum and dad. Now as much as they mean well and we know it comes from a good place, Grandparents need to know their places on the family tree where it comes to grandchildren and spending time alone and BONDING. Grandparents do the fun bits much later down the line, atm grandma as much as she wants to be involved she needs to stop this obsession with her own special bond. Its going to cause issues gor your partners mental health, Grandma's bond is bottom of the list in priorities atm in time and your mum needs to stop pushing so heavily for it as its simply not important right now. Also these first 4 months are so important as mums milk continues to grow, shes well established now with her feeding BUT her supply will keep building the more he grows so its important your mum and dad understand WHY baby cant be alone with them right now. Its also the understand whilst I know they mean well, his Grandma is not the most important person in the room and she shouldn't be making songs and dances out of things, what mum says goes! End of no arguments. They should be glad to be Grandparents and clap eyes on their grandchild not sit about sulking, making orders and demands and filling your mums head with the thoughts that she is as important as mum because she simply just isn't. Unfortunately the truth DOES hurt and its going to be upsetting but it will have to hurt them initially and they will have to accept that you are here at her parents through no fault of your own for the time being so jealousy isn't acceptable and they need to learn to live with the fact that your lovely partner here cant just spend her weekends and extra days with them because they feel left out. It is what it is and theres nobody more or less entitled.

Don't write them a letter.

Don't engage.

There is nothing you could put in a letter that would make them see sense or see your point of view, and the fact you took the time to write a letter, and any emotions expressed in it, will be used to gaslight you and paint you as emotional, upset, hysterical, possessive, etc.

Maybe send one very short unemotional text saying "We've decided no one will be alone with the baby except his parents until he's older, your behaviour is upsetting so we're going to take a break, will be in touch."

Then BLOCK. Just block them on everything. Ignore any attempts at contact.

If they come round don't answer the door (and if there's any option to move further away, take it).

These people thrive on contact and want to goad you into a reaction. The only way to deal with them is to ignore ignore ignore and give them nothing.

@StolenWillowTree iv said this weekend no visits and im not going anywhere im all visitor'd out now.
Sooo if he goes to football Sunday with his family he's on his own as I'm not entertaining them and having another argument...

Somebody give that health visitor a medal