Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.
Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”
THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.
I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.
(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).
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In-laws wont stop being so self centred!
KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 17:42
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FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2022 22:51
TIT FEED???!
They want to “enjoy” your baby?
He “belongs to everyone”?
Nope, that outburst would be the last straw for me. Goodbye in-laws, you could have had a relationship with your grandchild but you blew it.
Ihaveamagicwand · 04/09/2022 14:25
Hope you got and are enjoying your weekend OP!
Calphurnia88 · 01/09/2022 20:40
Your Health Visitor sounds great!
So after his dressing down, what is your partner going to do to support you on this?
KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 10:27
@Blackmetalmama we must do!!! Mine blows hot and cold. One minute understands the next its 'THIS IS HEART BREAKING I WANT TO BE A GOOD GRANDMA AND BUILD A SPECIAL BOND'
My Health visitor cam yesterday to do a weight check as I'd arranged and asked for one; she dressed down my partner quite a lot she just said "right young man, we need to discuss these eager beaver grandparents on your side meaning your lovely mum and dad. Now as much as they mean well and we know it comes from a good place, Grandparents need to know their places on the family tree where it comes to grandchildren and spending time alone and BONDING. Grandparents do the fun bits much later down the line, atm grandma as much as she wants to be involved she needs to stop this obsession with her own special bond. Its going to cause issues gor your partners mental health, Grandma's bond is bottom of the list in priorities atm in time and your mum needs to stop pushing so heavily for it as its simply not important right now. Also these first 4 months are so important as mums milk continues to grow, shes well established now with her feeding BUT her supply will keep building the more he grows so its important your mum and dad understand WHY baby cant be alone with them right now. Its also the understand whilst I know they mean well, his Grandma is not the most important person in the room and she shouldn't be making songs and dances out of things, what mum says goes! End of no arguments. They should be glad to be Grandparents and clap eyes on their grandchild not sit about sulking, making orders and demands and filling your mums head with the thoughts that she is as important as mum because she simply just isn't. Unfortunately the truth DOES hurt and its going to be upsetting but it will have to hurt them initially and they will have to accept that you are here at her parents through no fault of your own for the time being so jealousy isn't acceptable and they need to learn to live with the fact that your lovely partner here cant just spend her weekends and extra days with them because they feel left out. It is what it is and theres nobody more or less entitled.
Blackmetalmama · 31/08/2022 16:32
@KMoo22 oh my goodness, do we have the same MIL?? I had to hide my pump as "well if you're pumping why can't I give him the milk in a bottle". I also had some bottles which have been hidden at the back of a cupboard as she spotted them and couldn't shut up about them. She also wanted to give him dummies as then at least other people could settle him if he cried, "it doesnt just have to be your boobs". Everytime DP speaks to her "is she letting him have a bottle yet so then we can all feed him".
Also standing over me while I'm breastfeeding. I go to the bedroom and feed him now as she would be staring and stood over me. Normally I have no problem getting him to latch but each time she was here, I think because I was so on edge, it could take a few times and I didn't want it to look like I was struggling and give any ammunition. It's just so much unnecessary stress. People may think it seems extreme to lock yourself in the bathroom to feed him but I totally get why you would do it, just get away from the judgement and scrutiny and be able to feed your baby without having somebody watching your every move!
I know that feeling of feeling ill with the possessive language and talking about taking him away. I don't get it as she has had four kids, as your MIL has, so surely they must understand how you feel about your own baby. It's something they have experienced themselves. So why would they not see understand how unwanted it is and just back off.
I don't think its PFB as honestly I have no issue with her holding him, or normal visits, normal cuddles from his gran. It's constantly having to justify BF, having to defend why I don't want to bottle feed him while we have established bf and it's going well. How every little niggle is because he doesn't have a bottle. How much better it would be if he did have one. And knowing that it's all rooted in a selfish desire to just get him on her own, nothing about what's best for his development!
oneOff12 · 01/09/2022 14:04
Somebody give that health visitor a medal
StolenWillowTree · 01/09/2022 11:05
Don't write them a letter.
Don't engage.
There is nothing you could put in a letter that would make them see sense or see your point of view, and the fact you took the time to write a letter, and any emotions expressed in it, will be used to gaslight you and paint you as emotional, upset, hysterical, possessive, etc.
Maybe send one very short unemotional text saying "We've decided no one will be alone with the baby except his parents until he's older, your behaviour is upsetting so we're going to take a break, will be in touch."
Then BLOCK. Just block them on everything. Ignore any attempts at contact.
If they come round don't answer the door (and if there's any option to move further away, take it).
These people thrive on contact and want to goad you into a reaction. The only way to deal with them is to ignore ignore ignore and give them nothing.
Blackmetalmama · 31/08/2022 16:32
@KMoo22 oh my goodness, do we have the same MIL?? I had to hide my pump as "well if you're pumping why can't I give him the milk in a bottle". I also had some bottles which have been hidden at the back of a cupboard as she spotted them and couldn't shut up about them. She also wanted to give him dummies as then at least other people could settle him if he cried, "it doesnt just have to be your boobs". Everytime DP speaks to her "is she letting him have a bottle yet so then we can all feed him".
Also standing over me while I'm breastfeeding. I go to the bedroom and feed him now as she would be staring and stood over me. Normally I have no problem getting him to latch but each time she was here, I think because I was so on edge, it could take a few times and I didn't want it to look like I was struggling and give any ammunition. It's just so much unnecessary stress. People may think it seems extreme to lock yourself in the bathroom to feed him but I totally get why you would do it, just get away from the judgement and scrutiny and be able to feed your baby without having somebody watching your every move!
I know that feeling of feeling ill with the possessive language and talking about taking him away. I don't get it as she has had four kids, as your MIL has, so surely they must understand how you feel about your own baby. It's something they have experienced themselves. So why would they not see understand how unwanted it is and just back off.
I don't think its PFB as honestly I have no issue with her holding him, or normal visits, normal cuddles from his gran. It's constantly having to justify BF, having to defend why I don't want to bottle feed him while we have established bf and it's going well. How every little niggle is because he doesn't have a bottle. How much better it would be if he did have one. And knowing that it's all rooted in a selfish desire to just get him on her own, nothing about what's best for his development!
Blackmetalmama · 30/08/2022 22:53
Arrghh you're not the only one. MiL is obsessed with me giving DS a bottle so that she can feed him. Has been since he was born. How incredibly selfish. I don't understand why they would want to interrupt, potentially ruin breastfeeding all for the sake of them having a little bonding time.
Everything that happens, "ohh he needs a bottle". Slight cry, rubs his ear, under the weather after his jabs "he needs a bottle". He's doing perfectly well weight-loss "he'd be chubby if you would give him a bottle". From 3 months the bottle obsession expanded to "he's ready for baby porridge/rusks. Mix some with some formula". "Can't mix baby rice with breast milk, has to be formula, breast milk gets too hot". WTH?! All so she can feed him, and she has said as much. That it takes away from her being able to feed him and she's fed all her other GC.
I've just had to distance myself as much as possible. At first I tried to put up with her, I politely responded each time she said she would have him overnight (at 2 weeks, and every week thereafter). I grinned and accepted it when she stayed for 10 hours the day I came out of hospital after difficult c-section, and then an average of 8 hours every day for the next week (didn'toffer any help, just wanted to hold the baby). I was an idiot. I shouldn't have put up with her, and DP should have put his foot down and had my back. It sounds like your DP has your back so that's something, but don't let them make you feel guilty or taint this special time with your baby. You are his mum and are doing your best to give him the best start in life, he isn't there for their entertainment.
Good luck! It's tough in those first weeks, but it gets easier the more you advocate for yourself and your little one.
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 22:33
If she’s been allowed to carry on like this with her family then no wonder she’s putting up a big stink. It’s the first time she’s been challenged and not only will she kick up a fuss bit so will her other family because they have enabled her to contribute acting in this unreasonable manner.
you are absolutely right to stand your ground. If any it’s very important you don’t back down and hold firm boundaries. People like this aren’t reasonable and it’s give an inch take a mile with people like that.
better to do it now early in that let it go and get in a weird routine of her over stepping throughout your child’s childhood.
I feel for your partner though. I wonder if he needs to do some reflecting about the dynamics in his family and how overly intertwined they all seem to be. Might be painful for him to realise the behaviour and reflect on his past in light of a new understanding.
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oneOff12 · 30/08/2022 20:31
Can I ask what your relationship is like now? I had a very similar instance of MIL running away with the pram, I found it absolutely traumatising. Interestingly I now have a ds on the way and she had a ds so I’d like to see if the interest levels are the same!
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