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Parents of adult children

In-laws wont stop being so self centred!

114 replies

KMoo22 · 29/08/2022 17:42

Iv posted before about my in-laws and how demanding the have been with me and the baby. He’s 10 weeks this week and 1000% exclusively breastfed and has been since day 1.

Multiple arguments have gone on quite regular, WEEKLY to be precise as they seemed to be in denial and refusing to accept home truths or boundaries we put in place. It goes quite for a few days then next visit it starts all over again and I’m a person who stands my ground firmly!
We had quite a large argument this weekend as the in-laws became pushy with the baby again, demanding to see him at x-time until x-time. I accidentally caught on a phone call between my FIL and my Boyfriend to which the FIL said
“ she needs to stop being so selfish and psychotic with this baby. She is clearly struggling and breastfeeding is not working she needs to stop being so selfish and let us help feed the baby and take care of him. Mums fed up as she feels shes not allowed to be involved with caring for him. She would love to give him bottles when you visit and to be able to feed him. Why cant she just tit feed when she’s at home and then give him a bottle then we can all help and feel more involved with this baby, she could let him sleep over then and everyone else can enjoy him too. We don't see why we need to ask for permission to see or spend time with this baby, he belongs to everybody not just her. Mum feels she is being left out with the caring for this baby”

THE RAGE
The absolute RAGE that filled my body within is indescribable. I feel so pressured into giving up breastfeeding for someone else's selfish, self centred satisfaction. How many times do they have to be told that they are being incredibly SELFISH and CONTROLLING. Why so much pressure to make me change how the baby is fed!!! Why should I stop when the MIL exclusively breast fed all of her children!!!! I feel horrible as my partner is trapped in the middle, he’s tried talking to them, reasoning and it goes back to square one every single time. Grandma this, Grandma that, Grandmas upset, Grandma wants this or that. I hate it. Im so fed up and anxious. I can’t tolerate the outbursts anymore as its just pushed me to feel like I gave birth too a baby that was intended for them and their pleasure and not for me. I feel like I’m just the wet nurse. I waited for so many years to have a baby, I lost one in 2017 to my ex and then promised myself I would wait until the time was right and I met the right man. 2018 I met my current partner. I never realised when I became a parent with my partner; that his parents also automatically decided that they had a right to be the babies parents too. Its gone from excited first time grandparents to overbearing annoying people who dont like the word NO.

I have never known a more RUDE, selfish bunch as them in my life. The say we want to be good Grandparents. BACK OFF THEN, BACK OFF AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE GROWN UP AND HAD THEIR OWN, BUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN ARE NOT YOUR OWN CHILDREN TO TAKE CHARGE OF SO STOP TRYING TO TAKE OVER. IT IS YOUR SONS BABY NOT YOURS.

(In my dreams id love to scream that at them but I wouldn’t dream of it as I'm too polite).

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KMoo22 · 19/10/2022 12:48

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MightyOaks · 19/10/2022 12:38

@KMoo22 I restricted them seeing him to 10 minutes only

WTH??? You have no right to do this. Your child is not an object, he is not your possession! Wow. I gave you the benefit of the doubt before I saw this, now I'm gobsmacked. Your DH must be mortified. That's appalling behaviour. You need to approach some kind of counselling or something because this isn't right. That poor child

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MightyOaks · 19/10/2022 12:34

FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2022 22:51

TIT FEED???!
They want to “enjoy” your baby?
He “belongs to everyone”?
Nope, that outburst would be the last straw for me. Goodbye in-laws, you could have had a relationship with your grandchild but you blew it.

You wouldn't have any right to stop them seeing them unless your husband also felt the same. The father is 50% parent, Geez.

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MightyOaks · 19/10/2022 12:28

@KMoo22 I was with you at first OP but the more I read the more I'm seeing them as only part of the problem here.
I get you're anxious - I had PNA as well but I was never this neurotic or possessive and I never stood in the way of my child spending time with her grandparents without me there to 'supervise' them.
It's not about them being alone with your son, it's about them being trusted to care for their Grandson unsupervised. You say you don't trust them but you fail to give any good reason as to why your child would come to any harm in their care?

Yes, they've been a bit OTT but we're only hearing your side of this and your side seems to be all about you with barely any mention of your husband. This might be hard to hear but your child is not just yours, he is just as much your DH's child as he is yours. So if your husband decides to allow your son to be with his parents alone then you have no say in the matter. Same would apply vice versa.
Do you not think that the way things stand between you & them has perhaps made you hyper critical of them? For example, you complained about MIL commenting how your DS looks like your DH when he was a baby - which I'd say is a perfectly normal, non-offensive (& almost expected) thing for a paternal Grandmother to say? It would (& very much did & still does, make me smile when my DD's grandmother says it about my DD as her father has passed away). Yet it seemed to really anger you. So it sounds like it's reached the stage where anything she says, annoys & angers you?

My husband died when our child was very small and it turned me inside out having to travel to see his parents (they're too frail to travel), but I did it because my DD had every right to see her Grandparents, despite their flaws & their overbearing nature.

Re: your DH's conversation with his father which you overheard, if your DH didn't immediately leap to your defence then I'd say it's pretty clear that he agrees, at least in part, with the overall point his DF was trying to make (not how it was rudely said, of course). I would imagine DH probably feels torn but is frightened of going against you as he knows you'll push him out as well.

I guess what I'm saying, is that nobody is going to harm your baby! You & them are on the same page (or at least the same chapter), love the same child and only want what is best for him. They're just not going about it in a respectful way and dare I say it, neither are you?

Anyway, I hope you don't take offence at this as it's just my observation. Either way I hope it sorts itself out one way or another

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KMoo22 · 19/10/2022 09:38

Soooo it appears all has gone quiet!
Well for now anyways, we seem to have gotten past all the selfish behaviour thank god.

Next step is to tackle next year, my sisters wedding original plan was for him to sleep over at my partners mum and dads for the night but if he's still breast feeding which he will be he'll need to come back in the evening after he's spent a day with them. Im dreading telling them 😩😩

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KMoo22 · 04/09/2022 14:54

Ihaveamagicwand · 04/09/2022 14:25

Hope you got and are enjoying your weekend OP!

@Ihaveamagicwand yeaaa i enjoyed it for the most part.

I actually dropped my partner off at his parents today for football and I restricted them seeing him to 10 minutes only and I sat in the car.
His dad came out to try flag me down and I totally ignored him, I want nothing to do with him until he apologises.

His mum for the better part made a conscious effort to come to the car when I was leaving and said she's apologised and said shes never really said how proud of me for continuing to breastfeed as he's thriving and healthy. And shes proud of how well were doing as parents. Id say I BELIEVE her, but frankly im yet to see further action from them both

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Ihaveamagicwand · 04/09/2022 14:25

Hope you got and are enjoying your weekend OP!

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FictionalCharacter · 01/09/2022 22:51

TIT FEED???!
They want to “enjoy” your baby?
He “belongs to everyone”?
Nope, that outburst would be the last straw for me. Goodbye in-laws, you could have had a relationship with your grandchild but you blew it.

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coffeealmondcroissant · 01/09/2022 22:11

Bloody hell. And I thought my in-laws were bad. Whatever you do, do not give up breastfeeding your baby because of them. This sort of thing would actually encourage me to continue bf just out of pure pettiness!

I really feel for you but try to focus on you and your baby and if they won't respect your rules and boundaries then cut off contact for now completely.

These weeks are precious and go by so quickly. Don't let them ruin this for you.

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KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 22:00

Calphurnia88 · 01/09/2022 20:40

Your Health Visitor sounds great!

So after his dressing down, what is your partner going to do to support you on this?

@Calphurnia88 @iRun2eatCake

My partner was quite taken back. Then said if my mum says anything this weekend I'll tell her, I just said best get letting her know then that I was a weekend to myself!

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Calphurnia88 · 01/09/2022 20:40

Your Health Visitor sounds great!

So after his dressing down, what is your partner going to do to support you on this?

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iRun2eatCake · 01/09/2022 20:09

KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 10:27

@Blackmetalmama we must do!!! Mine blows hot and cold. One minute understands the next its 'THIS IS HEART BREAKING I WANT TO BE A GOOD GRANDMA AND BUILD A SPECIAL BOND'

My Health visitor cam yesterday to do a weight check as I'd arranged and asked for one; she dressed down my partner quite a lot she just said "right young man, we need to discuss these eager beaver grandparents on your side meaning your lovely mum and dad. Now as much as they mean well and we know it comes from a good place, Grandparents need to know their places on the family tree where it comes to grandchildren and spending time alone and BONDING. Grandparents do the fun bits much later down the line, atm grandma as much as she wants to be involved she needs to stop this obsession with her own special bond. Its going to cause issues gor your partners mental health, Grandma's bond is bottom of the list in priorities atm in time and your mum needs to stop pushing so heavily for it as its simply not important right now. Also these first 4 months are so important as mums milk continues to grow, shes well established now with her feeding BUT her supply will keep building the more he grows so its important your mum and dad understand WHY baby cant be alone with them right now. Its also the understand whilst I know they mean well, his Grandma is not the most important person in the room and she shouldn't be making songs and dances out of things, what mum says goes! End of no arguments. They should be glad to be Grandparents and clap eyes on their grandchild not sit about sulking, making orders and demands and filling your mums head with the thoughts that she is as important as mum because she simply just isn't. Unfortunately the truth DOES hurt and its going to be upsetting but it will have to hurt them initially and they will have to accept that you are here at her parents through no fault of your own for the time being so jealousy isn't acceptable and they need to learn to live with the fact that your lovely partner here cant just spend her weekends and extra days with them because they feel left out. It is what it is and theres nobody more or less entitled.

And what did your partner respond?

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Lsquiggles · 01/09/2022 17:08

Why are you entertaining this at all? I would never see these people again and not let them within 5ft of my child. It's all about them and they have no respect for you as your child's mother, let alone as a person. Your child is only 10 weeks old and they've already got a massive list of demands and things they want you to compromise on against your better judgment. This will only get worse as your child gets older and hits more milestones that they want to overshadow to feed their egos.

You sound like you're doing a great job and I really hope they haven't put a dampener on your experience of motherhood so far.

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KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 16:39

oneOff12 · 01/09/2022 14:04

Somebody give that health visitor a medal

@oneOff12 shes brilliant, she said last time I saw her that if things were still ropey between us all she would speak to him providing he was here. I think coming from a health care professional it should sink it better

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oneOff12 · 01/09/2022 14:04

Somebody give that health visitor a medal

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KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 12:04

StolenWillowTree · 01/09/2022 11:05

Don't write them a letter.

Don't engage.

There is nothing you could put in a letter that would make them see sense or see your point of view, and the fact you took the time to write a letter, and any emotions expressed in it, will be used to gaslight you and paint you as emotional, upset, hysterical, possessive, etc.


Maybe send one very short unemotional text saying "We've decided no one will be alone with the baby except his parents until he's older, your behaviour is upsetting so we're going to take a break, will be in touch."

Then BLOCK. Just block them on everything. Ignore any attempts at contact.

If they come round don't answer the door (and if there's any option to move further away, take it).

These people thrive on contact and want to goad you into a reaction. The only way to deal with them is to ignore ignore ignore and give them nothing.

@StolenWillowTree iv said this weekend no visits and im not going anywhere im all visitor'd out now.
Sooo if he goes to football Sunday with his family he's on his own as I'm not entertaining them and having another argument...

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StolenWillowTree · 01/09/2022 11:05

Don't write them a letter.

Don't engage.

There is nothing you could put in a letter that would make them see sense or see your point of view, and the fact you took the time to write a letter, and any emotions expressed in it, will be used to gaslight you and paint you as emotional, upset, hysterical, possessive, etc.


Maybe send one very short unemotional text saying "We've decided no one will be alone with the baby except his parents until he's older, your behaviour is upsetting so we're going to take a break, will be in touch."

Then BLOCK. Just block them on everything. Ignore any attempts at contact.

If they come round don't answer the door (and if there's any option to move further away, take it).

These people thrive on contact and want to goad you into a reaction. The only way to deal with them is to ignore ignore ignore and give them nothing.

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KMoo22 · 01/09/2022 10:27

Blackmetalmama · 31/08/2022 16:32

@KMoo22 oh my goodness, do we have the same MIL?? I had to hide my pump as "well if you're pumping why can't I give him the milk in a bottle". I also had some bottles which have been hidden at the back of a cupboard as she spotted them and couldn't shut up about them. She also wanted to give him dummies as then at least other people could settle him if he cried, "it doesnt just have to be your boobs". Everytime DP speaks to her "is she letting him have a bottle yet so then we can all feed him".

Also standing over me while I'm breastfeeding. I go to the bedroom and feed him now as she would be staring and stood over me. Normally I have no problem getting him to latch but each time she was here, I think because I was so on edge, it could take a few times and I didn't want it to look like I was struggling and give any ammunition. It's just so much unnecessary stress. People may think it seems extreme to lock yourself in the bathroom to feed him but I totally get why you would do it, just get away from the judgement and scrutiny and be able to feed your baby without having somebody watching your every move!

I know that feeling of feeling ill with the possessive language and talking about taking him away. I don't get it as she has had four kids, as your MIL has, so surely they must understand how you feel about your own baby. It's something they have experienced themselves. So why would they not see understand how unwanted it is and just back off.

I don't think its PFB as honestly I have no issue with her holding him, or normal visits, normal cuddles from his gran. It's constantly having to justify BF, having to defend why I don't want to bottle feed him while we have established bf and it's going well. How every little niggle is because he doesn't have a bottle. How much better it would be if he did have one. And knowing that it's all rooted in a selfish desire to just get him on her own, nothing about what's best for his development!

@Blackmetalmama we must do!!! Mine blows hot and cold. One minute understands the next its 'THIS IS HEART BREAKING I WANT TO BE A GOOD GRANDMA AND BUILD A SPECIAL BOND'

My Health visitor cam yesterday to do a weight check as I'd arranged and asked for one; she dressed down my partner quite a lot she just said "right young man, we need to discuss these eager beaver grandparents on your side meaning your lovely mum and dad. Now as much as they mean well and we know it comes from a good place, Grandparents need to know their places on the family tree where it comes to grandchildren and spending time alone and BONDING. Grandparents do the fun bits much later down the line, atm grandma as much as she wants to be involved she needs to stop this obsession with her own special bond. Its going to cause issues gor your partners mental health, Grandma's bond is bottom of the list in priorities atm in time and your mum needs to stop pushing so heavily for it as its simply not important right now. Also these first 4 months are so important as mums milk continues to grow, shes well established now with her feeding BUT her supply will keep building the more he grows so its important your mum and dad understand WHY baby cant be alone with them right now. Its also the understand whilst I know they mean well, his Grandma is not the most important person in the room and she shouldn't be making songs and dances out of things, what mum says goes! End of no arguments. They should be glad to be Grandparents and clap eyes on their grandchild not sit about sulking, making orders and demands and filling your mums head with the thoughts that she is as important as mum because she simply just isn't. Unfortunately the truth DOES hurt and its going to be upsetting but it will have to hurt them initially and they will have to accept that you are here at her parents through no fault of your own for the time being so jealousy isn't acceptable and they need to learn to live with the fact that your lovely partner here cant just spend her weekends and extra days with them because they feel left out. It is what it is and theres nobody more or less entitled.

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Blackmetalmama · 31/08/2022 16:32

@KMoo22 oh my goodness, do we have the same MIL?? I had to hide my pump as "well if you're pumping why can't I give him the milk in a bottle". I also had some bottles which have been hidden at the back of a cupboard as she spotted them and couldn't shut up about them. She also wanted to give him dummies as then at least other people could settle him if he cried, "it doesnt just have to be your boobs". Everytime DP speaks to her "is she letting him have a bottle yet so then we can all feed him".

Also standing over me while I'm breastfeeding. I go to the bedroom and feed him now as she would be staring and stood over me. Normally I have no problem getting him to latch but each time she was here, I think because I was so on edge, it could take a few times and I didn't want it to look like I was struggling and give any ammunition. It's just so much unnecessary stress. People may think it seems extreme to lock yourself in the bathroom to feed him but I totally get why you would do it, just get away from the judgement and scrutiny and be able to feed your baby without having somebody watching your every move!

I know that feeling of feeling ill with the possessive language and talking about taking him away. I don't get it as she has had four kids, as your MIL has, so surely they must understand how you feel about your own baby. It's something they have experienced themselves. So why would they not see understand how unwanted it is and just back off.

I don't think its PFB as honestly I have no issue with her holding him, or normal visits, normal cuddles from his gran. It's constantly having to justify BF, having to defend why I don't want to bottle feed him while we have established bf and it's going well. How every little niggle is because he doesn't have a bottle. How much better it would be if he did have one. And knowing that it's all rooted in a selfish desire to just get him on her own, nothing about what's best for his development!

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HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 31/08/2022 08:54

Don't give up breastfeeding for them no matter the pressure they put on you. My mum tells me that one of her biggest regrets was that she only breastfed me for 6 weeks because of the pressure my dads parents put her under. Apparently breastfeeding was disgusting and dirty etc etc. She and my dad moved far away and when she had my brother had a much more positive experience and happily breastfed him for years. Both my parents were, in turn, incredibly supportive when I had DD and breastfed her for years too. Support makes all the difference and if they cant be therefore you you need to restrict time with them as much as possible and changing location is a great way to do that if you can afford it.

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KMoo22 · 31/08/2022 08:52

Blackmetalmama · 30/08/2022 22:53

Arrghh you're not the only one. MiL is obsessed with me giving DS a bottle so that she can feed him. Has been since he was born. How incredibly selfish. I don't understand why they would want to interrupt, potentially ruin breastfeeding all for the sake of them having a little bonding time.

Everything that happens, "ohh he needs a bottle". Slight cry, rubs his ear, under the weather after his jabs "he needs a bottle". He's doing perfectly well weight-loss "he'd be chubby if you would give him a bottle". From 3 months the bottle obsession expanded to "he's ready for baby porridge/rusks. Mix some with some formula". "Can't mix baby rice with breast milk, has to be formula, breast milk gets too hot". WTH?! All so she can feed him, and she has said as much. That it takes away from her being able to feed him and she's fed all her other GC.

I've just had to distance myself as much as possible. At first I tried to put up with her, I politely responded each time she said she would have him overnight (at 2 weeks, and every week thereafter). I grinned and accepted it when she stayed for 10 hours the day I came out of hospital after difficult c-section, and then an average of 8 hours every day for the next week (didn'toffer any help, just wanted to hold the baby). I was an idiot. I shouldn't have put up with her, and DP should have put his foot down and had my back. It sounds like your DP has your back so that's something, but don't let them make you feel guilty or taint this special time with your baby. You are his mum and are doing your best to give him the best start in life, he isn't there for their entertainment.

Good luck! It's tough in those first weeks, but it gets easier the more you advocate for yourself and your little one.

@Blackmetalmama
I feel for you :/ im glad im not alone with this situation.

Honestly if it were just wanting a cuddle I'd be fine with her. But its the possessive and obsessive body language with him. If we go visit stipulating how long we have to stay for so Grandma gets her "special time". If he cries the hints about giving her a bottle. When we go their house 'how about we go for a little walk and Grandma enjoys pushing the pram, were going to get a cot soon so we can have sleepovers, were looking forward to get to bond with him alone...'

The word alone makes me feel ILL. I feel so sick and so weird about it.

I remember once I had ONE bottle incase as he was running up to cluster feeding and she spotted it "how many bottles is he on now?".. HE ISNT, its there for if I; AS IN ME THE MOTHER feels he needs a top and I will give him that top up as I did not bring it for Grandmas weird cradle snatching behaviours. I had to get into a habit of taking him to different rooms to feed him or lock myself in the bathroom as she stood over the top of me watching him feed. Iv completely stopped expressing now and kept bottles away so she cant moan, we went away and she spotted my pump got an idea I was going to express for her to feed and I was like nah i only use it when I get a bit too full and he's fast asleep, i either save it for his next feed or freeze it..

Its the hinting and obsessions to mother him and pretend to be alike his mother that is driving me to insanity!

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KMoo22 · 31/08/2022 08:42

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 22:33

If she’s been allowed to carry on like this with her family then no wonder she’s putting up a big stink. It’s the first time she’s been challenged and not only will she kick up a fuss bit so will her other family because they have enabled her to contribute acting in this unreasonable manner.

you are absolutely right to stand your ground. If any it’s very important you don’t back down and hold firm boundaries. People like this aren’t reasonable and it’s give an inch take a mile with people like that.

better to do it now early in that let it go and get in a weird routine of her over stepping throughout your child’s childhood.

I feel for your partner though. I wonder if he needs to do some reflecting about the dynamics in his family and how overly intertwined they all seem to be. Might be painful for him to realise the behaviour and reflect on his past in light of a new understanding.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow
Iv always said that!! If I gave her an inch she'd take a mile.

I allowed her to change one nappy once, then we visited theirs for that first time ever. We got there and he was crying before id even picked him to sort him she grabbed him from underneath me, turned her back on me deliberately clutched him as close as possible she pissed off to the kitchen with him grabbed all his changing stuff and did it herself, then when i said can you fasten his vest up and put them dungarees back on him please she responded 'oh he doesn't need them on....' she had him bare skin on her exposed chest! I was like omg NO absolutely not, theres only one person who does skin to skin and that is ME.

Shes always been strange with the breastfeeding (she breastfed all 3 of hers), everytime i feed she stands over me like the boob police, then sits down to stare and starts asking 'how long do i let him fred for?' Well MIL dearest much to your disappointed As long as he choses and wants?

Its just skin crawling i dont get the obsession of grandmas special time or bonding? Shes had 3 babies of her own, why does she need special time alone with mine? :/

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Blackmetalmama · 30/08/2022 22:53

Arrghh you're not the only one. MiL is obsessed with me giving DS a bottle so that she can feed him. Has been since he was born. How incredibly selfish. I don't understand why they would want to interrupt, potentially ruin breastfeeding all for the sake of them having a little bonding time.

Everything that happens, "ohh he needs a bottle". Slight cry, rubs his ear, under the weather after his jabs "he needs a bottle". He's doing perfectly well weight-loss "he'd be chubby if you would give him a bottle". From 3 months the bottle obsession expanded to "he's ready for baby porridge/rusks. Mix some with some formula". "Can't mix baby rice with breast milk, has to be formula, breast milk gets too hot". WTH?! All so she can feed him, and she has said as much. That it takes away from her being able to feed him and she's fed all her other GC.

I've just had to distance myself as much as possible. At first I tried to put up with her, I politely responded each time she said she would have him overnight (at 2 weeks, and every week thereafter). I grinned and accepted it when she stayed for 10 hours the day I came out of hospital after difficult c-section, and then an average of 8 hours every day for the next week (didn'toffer any help, just wanted to hold the baby). I was an idiot. I shouldn't have put up with her, and DP should have put his foot down and had my back. It sounds like your DP has your back so that's something, but don't let them make you feel guilty or taint this special time with your baby. You are his mum and are doing your best to give him the best start in life, he isn't there for their entertainment.

Good luck! It's tough in those first weeks, but it gets easier the more you advocate for yourself and your little one.

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Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/08/2022 22:33

If she’s been allowed to carry on like this with her family then no wonder she’s putting up a big stink. It’s the first time she’s been challenged and not only will she kick up a fuss bit so will her other family because they have enabled her to contribute acting in this unreasonable manner.

you are absolutely right to stand your ground. If any it’s very important you don’t back down and hold firm boundaries. People like this aren’t reasonable and it’s give an inch take a mile with people like that.

better to do it now early in that let it go and get in a weird routine of her over stepping throughout your child’s childhood.

I feel for your partner though. I wonder if he needs to do some reflecting about the dynamics in his family and how overly intertwined they all seem to be. Might be painful for him to realise the behaviour and reflect on his past in light of a new understanding.

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KMoo22 · 30/08/2022 22:25

oneOff12 · 30/08/2022 20:31

Can I ask what your relationship is like now? I had a very similar instance of MIL running away with the pram, I found it absolutely traumatising. Interestingly I now have a ds on the way and she had a ds so I’d like to see if the interest levels are the same!

@oneOff12 its very disrupted and broken!

We got on well prior to his arrival and she ruined it. I say she THEY both ruined it for themselves :/

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